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This man haunts me like an enigma. I can never just be alone, he has to entangle himself into my life every which way he can. I thought I could never get sick of him, but when I have secrets to keep from him big ones at that, and I want my peace. Even now in my times of medical unrest he torments me. How he and Kunikida found the hospital I was in, who knows and how they managed to get me discharged is even more beyond me, well Dazai got me discharged. Kunikida understood and sympathized with me and wanted me to stay, but Dazai who knows what motivates him. But now he’s insisted I go back to his place to rest because neither Kunikida or Dazai would let me just go back home. I was “too weak to care for myself” or something like that, and now I have to suffer with him till I can get enough life back into me to go home.
I lay on a spare futon Dazais laid out for me, there’s food he ordered for both of us sitting on the floor next to my head but I don’t want it and explicitly told him I didn’t want it, he won’t eat it either I know him, he’ll say he’s not hungry and within a days time of not touching it he’ll leave it for me to eat. I stare out the window in his apartment I thought about escaping and just going back home to my work but I’m too physically weak to go through that much effort, lm waiting for Dazai to return back from whatever “urgent excursion” had to mean to him, till a beautifully timed click of the door knob greets my ears. With a little bit of shuffling and some silent footsteps he sits down next to me on the floor, I don’t turn to him, I've been ignoring him the whole night anyway.
“How’s my favorite secretary faring? Are you feeling alright?”
He starts off in that cheerful tone he does when he wants to antagonize me or Kunikida, I don’t say anything. I was in no mood to say a word to him, a moment later I feel something reach to my hair. It's him, he’s running his fingers through my hair? He’s so gentle it’s strange. A few minutes of silence pass between us before he speaks again.
“You’re hiding for me.”
He’s a lot more serious than before but his voice feels a lot more tender than normal. I didn’t know what to say to that. What could I say anyway? I was hiding obviously but he called me out for it.
“I am not.”
my voice was quiet as if it was the first time I’d ever spoken. He pauses his fingers running through my hair almost as if he’s fighting back doing something else, he places his hand down out and away from my hair.
“You’re hiding things I already know.”
There’s a small pause in his words like he’s debating on what to say.
“I’ve missed you y’know.”
He speaks more gently not like he’s trying to confront but like he’s trying to reassure me, it’s odd I’ve never heard him speak this way to me before. I knew what he was talking about, but what did he mean he missed me?
“What..?” I hear the floor creak as he gets up and I see him sit down in front of me blocking the window I was looking out of. I feel his hands gently brush away some of my hair. I was confused, so confused he was being so touchy more than he’s ever been.
“Keiko, I’ve missed you.”
Those simple words shot through my chest like a bullet. He’s so tender so gentle it’s sickening, I can feel my expression change. I can't hide anything anymore from him, I try to turn my face away but he flips me right back the moment I move. I can’t hide.
“She’s dead, Osamu. She has been here for 2 years.”
My voice feels foreign to me, it’s monotone lacking emotion. I’m talking to him like he’s a crazed man who sees his ex in every girl he meets. I sit up slightly but I back away from him.
“How could she be dead? When I’m looking at her right now aren’t I?”
He’s so gentle one of his hands comes to my cheek, his voice even more soft and caring. I look at him so confused, why was he being so gentle with me? Dazai was not a gentle man when I knew him. What was he trying to get out of me? Was he trying to get something out of me?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I pull his hand away from my face, i feel sick I want to cry, scream, something! anything! but all I feel is fear. Why am I so scared of someone who already knew everything I was hiding? He knew me more than anyone else could hope to, and that shouldn’t happen. I was positive I had no loose ends when I started my life as Juno, but I ended up in the one place with one loose ends.
“You’re a terrible liar, kei. You always have been.”
He takes my hand after I pulled his hand away from my face, he holds it tight, almost too tight. I don’t get him. I feel like he’s trying to use me or hurt me. It's hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth is sincere.
He’s calling me Kei. Only he’s ever called me that. I feel my heart twist in a way I’ve never felt before, soon following the tears I so desperately wanted before. While I don’t actually cry, my tears threatening to spill over. was I so emotional over a nickname, what was wrong with me? My tears were all the more conformation to him that I was her, as if he needed any conformation at all. I feel like I can’t move, i feel way too helpless i hate every second of it. I feel a set of arms pull me forward, my head rests on Dazais chest I can hear his heart it’s…fast?
Tears start to pour down my face, I feel Dazais arms tightening around me. I want to shove him away, I try to but he pulls me back even tighter; i want to fight him but it’d be no use.
“Let go…”
I muster out weakly.
“Not a chance.”
Dazai whispers to me, holding me like he’s holding together the last fragments of the girl he knew. I sort of just accept my fate in his arms, I don’t hug him back my arms stay close to my chest as if I was protecting something.
“I thought you were dead, for the longest time i thought so.”
After a long time of silence I finally say what’s been in my head for so long. I don’t know how he’ll respond and honestly I don’t care, I have nothing to lose anymore with him, I’ve lost him once I don’t think I could lose him again. Im not scared that he’ll leave because I don’t think he would,but I truly don’t think I ever got my Dazai back. this wasn’t the boy I met in the rain all those years ago, this was someone else someone I didn’t know. how could I loose someone I don’t know?
It’s quite for awhile I can’t look at him, but after a while the silence got to me I peek up at him. I see I look I’d never seen before a mixture of guilt and something akin to grief, I look away again feeling guilt set into my stomach.
“I never blamed you. I never hated you for leaving. Please don’t think I did.”
My voice is a lot quieter and strained. I didn’t want him to feel guilty because in all honesty I was happy after he disappeared I truly thought he got the one thing in life he’d wanted and I was happy for him but I was very very wrong. I take a glance back up at him and he’s looking directly at me a strangely soft look in his eyes, he takes one of his arms away from me to brush his hands against my cheek holding my face once more he doesn’t say anything to me just looking at me with that look it feels strange i feel cared for it’s odd.
“You know…this is one terrible reunion. “