Chapter Text
ness returned to blue lock. that itself didn’t sound like anything magnificent, but to ness it was. he’d finally been admitted out the hospital after 2 weeks.
“alexis? are you ready?” a woman spoke out as she peered inside ness’ room. blonde front hair swept over clear blue eyes lined with black eyeliner beneath. she gave ness a small yet warm smile. her pale slender fingers gripped the doorframe elegantly yet firm. ness always assumed that she was a model.
“almost dr. nachtnebel!” he grinned, pulling the tiny luggage he had with him over him, the bag looped around his body. he beamed at her direction. him and dr. nachtnebel had grown very close during the 2 weeks he was there for.
they walked down the sterile hallway of the hospital. ness had grown quite bored of the whiteness of the hospital, but he’d also grown fond of it. it was calming and inviting and easy on the eyes when he was first admitted. the walls basically gleamed under the equally bright light as he traversed the prolonged path with the woman.
his eyes scanned briefly on each poster that they passed. posters of hygiene, sanitation and the importance of it, some about the dangers of drug usage durning pregnancy, especially cocaine. ness’ eager eyes took in all the printed lettering on the page.
“babies can experience withdrawal symptoms?” ness was baffled, jaw dropping as he looked to his doctor noticing a solemn look swallowing her face.
she nodded.
”that really is awful!” he brought his hands to his lips, bowing his head down thoughtfully. he felt bad for not even knowing about that.
“but thanks to research we now can educate others about it.” dr. nachtnebel chuckled, rubbing ness’ shoulder with such delicacy, like he was valuable china that would break under any other touch. her accent was very clear.
ness was so glad to have a german doctor care for him. he had nothing against japanese doctors, they seemed great but he didn’t want to use those airbuds during that time and being able to talk to someone in japan without having to use them was so refreshing. he was so happy such a wonderful doctor who shared his mother’s language.
he saw dr. nachtnebel as a mother he never really had. he didn’t want to think about his family’s complex history after he was about to leave the hospital.
they shared a nice conversation, discussing whatever came to mind.
even though he was only 19 and she was in her mid-thirties, they spoke as if they shared similar experiences. they were an unexpected pairing but still a great one.
as they got into the car, her voice emerged, filling the space around them.
“promise me you won’t do that again.”
alexis huffed out a laugh, nodding earnestly.
“i promise!”
“say it.”
what worth would saying it have?
“i promise i won’t try kill myself again.”
it actually felt quite reassuring really, he took his previous thought back.
“again!”
“i promise i won’t try kill myself again!”
“who’s i?”
“i, alexis ness of won’t attempt to commit suicide again!”
she let one hand off the wheel and rubbed the younger man’s hair.
“wunderbar!” she exclaimed.
they moved into idle chatter before ness immersed himself into the scenery of japan.
those tourists were right and it was such a shame they barely got to see the country. the blur of cherry blossoms as they based a temple on the way, a grand torii gate painted in a pure scarlet hue as if unveiled a massive temple behind it. ness was now really eager to visit it one day.
the hum of the aux filled the car, the melody instantly hitting ness’ mind. he knew this song.
“you like arctic monkeys ?” the magenta-haired murmured, fingers tapping lazily against the window.
“of course!”
ness was taken by reasonable surprise, i mean dr. nachtnebel didn’t come off as a britrock fan, especially an arctic monkeys one.
”never thought you’d like banging bri’sh boy bands.” ness snickered.
”quatsch!” she hissed as she raised her slender hands to hit ness’ head, flattening his curls as her fingers rubbed against him.
”ack!” ness hissed, battering her hand away.
dr. nachtnebel cursed something under her breath in an exasperated tone before they both erupted into laughter, the mutual amusement filling the space around them. it even overlapped the song.
”this song..i like it.” ness breathed, exhaling a sigh as the laughter shimmered out.
the journey back was a blur. ness was in a battle with himself to stay awake, fighting an urge to fall into a realm of slumber as his eyelids tried resisting.
only when his consciousness started slipping was then ness felt the weights that pressed against his heart. it wasn’t even a piercing stab of agonising sadness that ness believed his depressive state was supposed to feel like. it was numbing and persistent. a happiness tainted with sadness after its peak, like the aftermath of a drug high.
he still felt the tang of medicine, its wretched flavour always lingering on his tongue no matter what he ate. the sweet heaven of a cake or the tenderness of smoked salmon, the metallic taste of the pills were stubborn to ever leave ness.
ness was cursed with the memory of his overdose and his body refused to let him move on.
even during that time, he never felt sad in the way he thought he’d be. the sadness that brought ugly tears every night and a struggle to put on a mask but instead it was silent. a heavy weight, squeezing out every ounce of ness he had in him. he was perfectly fine in front of his team - brilliant even!
for gods sake he had football, fame, friends. how selfish did ness have to be.
they finally pulled up in front of blue lock. dr. nachtnebel was holding ness’ bag, putting the strap over him. she really was gorgeous. the sun made her glow even more, emitting an aura that was described by every holy book. an aura angels had. her presence alone lifted a small weight off him.
ness pulled her into a tight embrace, his forehead pressed on his shoulder. they were almost equal height so hugging wasn’t awkward.
her chest vibrated as he chuckled softly, patting his head.
“you helped me so much!” ness beamed into her shoulder.
that made her laugh more.
“you’ve helped me out too.” she responded beforing pulling away, hand flattening down her shirt.
waving their goodbyes, which wouldn’t last long as ness would harass her with countless messages later on his phone, ness entered blue lock again.
the bastard münchen wing of the facility was empty, quiet enough for the hums of birdsongs outside to be heard inside. he travelled down the corridor to noel noa’s office. the corners and turns of the journey there were feeling unfamiliar to ness. like a path his body took but without his mind. he slid past the open doors of the medical room and in front of the grand door of his coach’s office. he hit his knuckles against the oak door, flinching at the immediate response.
“come in.” he said. so ness did.
he entered, smiling like his whole overdosing hasn’t happened.
to ness’ upmost surprise, noa got up - actually got up - and pulled the midfielder into a tight hug. even coach was sad.
THE noel noa. SAD.
ness giggled, hugging the man back, arms perching against his board shoulders. imagine what the hell ness made him go through if he went to hug him at first sight (after 2 weeks at least).
well of course, imagine how it looked for the team.
that was what ness’ really was concerned about. deep deep down, he truly believed the energy of noa and the team - most likely - was as sad as it was was because of how bad the image would look for them. who would want to know that they played with a dog that killed himself? not very fun.
they were only sad because it made their image look bad. yeah.
yeah..
“i’m so incredibly sorry sir, i must’ve caused so much stress!” he muffled into noa’s chest, basically suffocating him. that was the strength that came with being the best striker in the world.
noa let him go reluctantly after a few beats later, which was honestly very out of character for such a stoic and precise man.
“is everything alright now?” he asked, his emotionless persona returning. “i got your file and…”
his voice trailed off.
“it doesn’t say for what reason though.” ness pointed out, shaking his head.
“i didn’t even tell the hospital and i don’t plan of saying anytime soon. if i have to be honest, i barely remember why myself. it’s either blacked out or blurred.” the brunette shrugged before giving noa that big puppy smile.
“i’m still recovering but im healing very quickly, mentally and physically!” he added, turning to leave.
the air was so thick. too thick. thicker than kaiser’s thighs.
shut up ness, he cursed himself mentally.
noa just stood there, nodding hesitantly as if he wanted to say anything more. yet he just let ness go. ness slipped out the room.
then noa called out behind him.
“the team is downstairs in the lobby in case you want to say hello.”
ness really needed to stop undermining this situation. he did try kill himself.
whatever, he’d still say hello.
…
pause.
the though of presenting himself to his team now felt daunting. he rummaged through his bag, grabbing his phone to text dr. nachtnebel.
alexis ness: DOC!!!! >~<
alexis ness: i’m so afraid to talk to my team!!
it didn’t take long for her to respond
lorelei nachtnebel: tough up
lorelei nachtnebel: what’s making you so afraid?
alexis ness: noa told me the team was down in the lobby since they came back from staying out and said that that i could say hello
alexis ness: but now im afraid because even noa seemed to be affected by all this and hes NEVER like that
alexis ness: so if it took a toll on him then what about my team?! 😓😓😓😓
alexis ness: and they probably hate me and don’t want to see me aswell, because i made their image bad. i mean it wouldn’t look good for anyone if they knew/played w smb who tried killing themselves yk
lorelei nachtnebel: no no, please don’t assume that. they definitely don’t hate you. i can guarantee that 10 billion percent.
lorelei nachtnebel: i would recommend just going for it and establish anything if you feel the need to.
they understand the how severe this situation is for you and they’re adults too, so they’re ready to support you no matter what.
alexis ness: okay! i’m going for it!
alexis ness: im adding you to my will btw
he switched off his phone and went down to the lobby. he ignored the sickening thumping of his heart. he just wanted to his team again.
he wanted to see his kaiser again. his sweet sweet kaiser..
god, kaiser barely passed his mind today and he felt so guilty. he braced himself behind the door. he’d walk in casually, like he was going to grab a cup of water and coincidentally walked into them.
aha, that would be funny.
take this seriously alexis! you almost died off medication for heavens sake!
he pulled his shirt around, getting comfortable in his clothing. it revealed a small piece of string with a safety pin hanging off it around his neck.
pushing the door, he walked into the room forcing an oblivious expression to the gawking gaze of his teammates. he hadn’t even reached the water fountain before someone screamed his name.
“ALEXIS?!”
fuck that was loud. he flinched at the outburst before turning around. his expression transformed completely to one of utter joy seeing bastard münchen, FINALLY!
“theo! ali! benedict! erik! kaiser!!” his voice basically reached a new high after saying kaiser’s name, running to collect them all into such a grand hug.
they didn’t react, faces pale as if they’d seen a ghost. a poltergeist. ness felt how cold they were under his hug and steadily dropped his hands, his once splendid smile was now gone, replaced with his lips parted into a tiny hole. guilt ate him up whole, clawing at his intestines.
that wasn’t the right approach.
ness felt their burning eyes staring daggers at him. wasn't the reunion he expected.
then someone swept ness into their arms, hands resting at his nape as he was brought into a breath-taking hug. ness was squashed into an embrace of multiple other people. their bodies were familiar and warm against his flushed skin. his whole view was covered by the towering men over him.
”you stupid dick-cheese.” he identified erik’s voice, his breath hot against his neck as he shook. then he felt something damp against his shoulder. great they were crying.
”it’s not that serious!” ness has laughed, stroking their backs.
he felt something hard hit his head in response and he pouted, his perfect pink lips pressed against each other.
“ow!”
benedict, who was the first to hug him, pulled away staring at him with such a look of melancholy it made him sick.
”it is serious alexis. you tried killing yourself and you almost died.”
it was just the simple truth, something ness had heard countless of times at the hospital yet coming from benedict’s mouth he felt a warmth stream down his cheek.
great, now he was crying!
“waaaa i love all of you im so incredibly sorry!!”
he wailed, burying his face into his arm, sobbing into his sleeve. sticky, hot tears dampened his black long-sleeved as he rubbed it against his delicate face, harshly wiping off uninvited beads of tears.
ness let the last of his tears leak through the fabric before shifting his arm down slightly just so his now swollen eyes were peaking through. he scanned the room.
then he saw that strong, built figure he knew oh so well. tank top that traced over perfect abs and chest. his collarbones sculptured like the heavens themselves gave their love to him. baggy, light grey sweatpants that hung lazily on his wider hips. his beautiful, beautiful hips. peculiar cut blonde hair that faded into a deep blue, similar to his eyes. the way his hair rested on the side of his face was majestic. he truly was magnificent.
ness could stare at him forever and never get bored.
he saw kaiser. his sweet sweet kaiser.
he had a look of shock and horror. his jaw dropped slightly, parting his lips. eyes widened in a way ness had to reassure himself that he was real and not a hallucination to kaiser.
yes, of course ness knew that kaiser couldn’t process shock and well… big emotions easily or healthily infact but even ness started to feel his heart slowly breaking at kaiser’s gaze.
shit.
this whole little reunion from his trip to the hospital was supposed to be wholesome. a little i’m alright everyone but it has quickly escalated when he saw kaiser.
kaiser was always on ness’ mind. when he played in matches,
wheres kaiser? he would want the ball now. pass to kaiser!
when he went out on free days,
kaiser would like this. i wonder what he’s doing? did he want to go out today? i hope he’s not bored..
heck, even in his dreams kaiser was there. now…what happened in those dreams was private but the point still remains.
the one time kaiser wasn’t on his mind was this one time where he definitely should’ve however.
fuck i hate feeling guilty..
his arms fell against his sides, absently staring at kaiser. the usual light in his eyes gone. even the weak, kindled light that barley stayed lit after his attempt was gone.
no one else was around him. they disappeared a long time ago.
now it was just them.
god, the way kaiser’s face twisted made him sick.
the wrinkle of his nose. the slight forward tip of his head as he stared daggers into him.
“kaiser..” ness began. even walking now was heavily taxing his already weak mentality. he didn’t need this. he didn’t need anymore of this.
his arms raised slightly as he approached him carefully as if the blonde was a scared stray animal.
kaiser just stared, following ness’ eyes as he got closer. the disgust in his eyes as he watched the shorter was too much for him.
then he fled.
kaiser turned away from him and shut the door behind.
kaiser ran to his room, sinking into the mattress and drowning himself in the sheets. he pulled himself into a ball, fingers weaving through his vanilla-blonde roots.
his breath was heavy and unstable.
ness. ness. ness.
ness was fucking back.
unannounced. unexpected. and clearly un-fucking-bothered it seemed.
he waltzed into the lobby like he didn’t try poisoning himself to death 2 weeks prior. he looked completely normal expected for the string that hung around his throat with a blue safety pin handing off it.
that dumb necklace because of course he had to show off the fact he almost died. the audacity he had to have something like that similar to the colour of his own eyes.
ness really was going to make kaiser hate his own eyes, more than he did already.
kaiser cradled himself, gripping the fabric of his shirt hard until it wrinkled.
whenever kaiser would experience an anger as great as this, he’d always imagine hurting the person responsible. but this time…god…he can’t even imagine that about ness.
how fucking come huh?
he should’ve left his dumb foaming body on the floor. him dying would’ve saved them all the hassle. always making problems. typical ness. ness should’ve died.
strong hands gripped his own throat, grasping hard enough to send him into a hysteria of choking and spluttering, spit splattering on the white sheets. skin turned to a blue, yet he kept his clasped hands around his neck firm. what the hell was wrong with him. he didn’t want ness dead. how the hell did he feel about him?
his vision grew hazy, edges of objects growing softer until they blended together in a blur. tight fingers that choked him grew weak before they fell off completely. drool leaked from the corner of his lip, pooling onto the covers as his eyes flickered shut.
ness’ fingers brushed a strand of hair that found itself in kaiser’s mouth. the tips of his delicate fingers pinched the blonde hair as patted it away, leaving the taller to continue eating.
kaiser felt his cheeks grow warm against the moderately cool air of the blue lock cafeteria. his fingers barely touched him, yet that action felt so teasing and intimate. kaiser scowled, his brows knotting tight together.
“don’t touch me.” kaiser growled, swatting the magenta-haired’s hand away, slouching over his food.
ness’ lips parted into a soft yet pure laugh, his white teeth all for show as he tipped his head back and leaned against the chair. perfect curls rolled to the side of his face before he pulled himself to the table. his elbows were pressed against the sterile white table, propping his cute, round cheeks in his hands as he watched kaiser with such a intimate intensity, even the unbothered kaiser felt bothered.
his adam’s apple bobbed as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his fork slipping slightly at the sweat that started building between the crease of his fingers.
“i can’t stand that little yoichi kid, but damn is he funny.” ness started, spinning a chopstick in his fingers.
the way the wooden stick flicked around his fingers was intoxicating.
what the hell had ness done to him? he knew ness loved magic - he was obsessed - but never showed much a liking to black magic. had ness cursed him to feel such a strange sensation at anything he did? dumb, pathetic ness.
“i bumped into this boy. plays for france, incredibly hard to miss him. spiky blonde and pink hair…” his voice fizzled out, blocked out by kaiser’s internal monologue.
“KAISER!” a shrill voice snapped him out of his dream state, eyes lidded open just slightly. his body was bent, knees pressed against his chin and hands and foaming drool had dried up from his mouth. bruises coated the skin around his throat, appearing almost beautiful and vulnerable against the blue roses inked on the crook of his shoulders and neck.
“kaiser..please..no..” the voice spoke out again, now much weaker and pleading than before.
the figure held the other in an embrace, sweeping him up into a protective hug. he pressed his sticky face against kaiser’s cheek, letting out sobs of utter hysteria.
“nononononononononono-“ his words were uncoordinated and messy, as if he only spoke in a pace so quick, it was indecipherable.
“ness…get off me-“
”never!” his voice was dripping with such venom, it even got kaiser to give up to fight against him.
kaiser lost track of time, feeling himself slip into hibernation in ness’ arms. the warmth radiated onto his exhausted body, and ness’ soft hum was comforting and gentle. it even made kaiser forget what he tried strangling himself over for.