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"Taerae?”
He only dignifies the unasked question with a short hum.
“Spare some room for me?”
He’s already halfway asleep when Matthew slowly creaks open his door and calls his name. It's hard to see in the dark regardless of his imperfect eyesight, and Taerae taps on his phone that's beside his pillow to bring some amount of light. Matthew hovers near his bed, already moving to set a knee on the edge.
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” Matthew pauses, his knee already on the bed and a hand bracing himself. “Sorry, do you want me to go?”
“No, it's just–”
“Great!” Matthew says a bit louder than his soft voice has been, pushing Taerae's blanket aside.
Taerae lets out a long-suffering sigh, resigning himself to Matthew's arm thrown over him as he tosses himself on the bed and wiggles ever closer.
“You couldn't have asked Gyuvin? Or Gunwook–?”
“What, should I cuddle everyone else before considering you?” Matthew's voice is back to soft, fading into the silence as if he never spoke.
In daytime, in regular circumstances, Taerae would've answered one of two extremes; a flat ‘Yeah’, or a teasing, saccharine ‘No, only hug me’. In the dead of night, it's only them and the muted sounds of the building around them. He can't be bothered to put on further airs.
“No, I'm right here.”
The truth is Taerae doesn't know why Matthew chooses him so much. Other times, maybe, but especially not now. Again and again Matthew will find his way to Taerae's side, or to his room, or in some cases dragging him to his own side. If Taerae is stubborn, Matthew is more stubborn. It's just in an almost effortless way that most others don't even realize.
Without another word between them, Taerae rests his own hand against Matthew's back and lightly caresses between his shoulder blades.
That only enables Matthew to shift impossibly closer, breathing a faint ‘That feels nice’.
Though Taerae doesn't get why Matthew chooses him, he still knows why he's here. The apartment is chilly, dead space in between their busy schedules of the year-end holidays. Neither of them can go home, and the last time Taerae went to church with his family was too long ago, but it’d be an affront to compare himself to Matthew.
If that's why Matthew is here, then that's why Taerae gives in so easily to him now; that's why he's trying. He accepts stray hair from the top of Matthew's head tickling his face, the crossing of his personal boundaries all the way into his bed. Even setting aside his own fast-beating heart. It's the least he can offer with everything Matthew does when he accepts Taerae's peculiarities.
“Thank you,” Matthew murmurs sleepily into his neck, and this time he can't suppress a shiver. “Are you cold? Sorry.”
The blanket is still near Taerae's legs, and Matthew moves away for a moment to pull it back over both of them. So that's how it's going to be, huh?
“Not that cold, especially if you're here. But thanks,” Taerae replies after Matthew settles back down, though not the same as before. He wishes Matthew went back to holding him too close, because now he's far enough to be looking into Taerae's face. Not that either of them can see much, but he can still make out a few details. Namely, the slight glimmer of Matthew's eyes on him.
“I'm glad you let me stay.” He can barely see Matthew's smile, the flash of his white teeth even through the dark.
“I don't mind.” Taerae shrugs, a bit gruff, but he isn't being difficult now. It's just the truth.
Silence extends between them and he wonders if Matthew will just fall asleep here, next to him like this. The outline of his body, breathing in and out, is admittedly comforting. Maybe Taerae could fall asleep like this, too.
“No, I know– You don't like too much PDA, and like to be prepared, but I guess this isn't public… but, you know.”
He doesn't. He has absolutely no idea where Matthew is trying to go with this, but he wishes he'd stop. It's easier during the day, or under practice room lights, or in front of others. So many exceptions that let Taerae compartmentalize things into a joke with acceptable boundaries. There are still months left. He still can't help asking.
“Are you lonely?”
There's silence again, once Taerae has dropped the question he shouldn't have. It's honestly something that he hoped Matthew would have a quick answer for; No, he isn't, the members are still around, and after holding on a bit longer he’ll have time for a break, to truly visit home.
What made Taerae ask in the first place must be why it didn't turn out that way. He can't see any smile through the dark, now.
“You weren't supposed to ask,” Matthew finally responds, voice airy though his words are far too heavy for it to work.
There are plenty of times where they've talked through their problems with each other, where Matthew vented, where Taerae offered up his T logic or simply just listened. Some problems are more serious than others. Usually Matthew isn't too shy, his heart always open and on his sleeve with no need to lurk around in the dark. If he ever did this kind of thing with any of the other members, Taerae doesn't know about it. He counts on that, how the others can make up for what he lacks and he isn't insecure over it.
It only makes him want to question why me, why now. But that isn't really helpful for whatever Matthew is feeling.
“Okay. Then don't answer,” Taerae says with finality.
Matthew must not expect that response, because he makes a ‘Huh?’ in response, but it's nothing compared to Taerae's next surprise.
There's some resistance as Taerae slides his hand between Matthew's side and the bed, but he manages. He reaches around his other side to complete the circle of his arms, pulling Matthew full against him, who makes another stunned cartoon character noise. Reflexively, Matthew wraps his own arms around Taerae in return so they aren't trapped between them.
Before Matthew can say anything, Taerae half burrows his face into his shoulder.
“Does this help?”
"Help? You don't have to do this,” Matthew doesn't answer, but he doesn't try to push away, doesn't ask him to let go.
“That wasn't the question. Now, could you sleep like this?”
“Could you…” He mutters. That's honestly a good question, since Taerae's arm underneath him is already starting to feel a bit sore. As if reading his mind, Matthew shifts to move that arm under his neck instead.
“Maybe now. If you're fine with it,” Matthew finally gives him a direct answer, yawning and adjusting his head against the shared pillow. He can’t see his eyes open in the dark anymore.
Taerae smiles to himself, leaning closer so their foreheads are almost touching. Almost.
“I am.”
There are any number of replies that could've stirred up Matthew a bit more, distracted him or made him laugh, but Taerae just wants to set down the teasing for this moment. No sarcasm or jokes. Just them. After a beat of silence, Taerae assumes that's all, and resigns himself to how it'll feel to drift off with his arm stretched out weirdly under Matthew.
So quiet he almost doesn’t hear, it’s like Matthew is sleep-talking in English when he says, “Don’t go anywhere… ‘rae…”
Taerae isn’t sure he knows how to respond even if he wanted to disturb the remaining silence. So he doesn’t. It’s easier to close his own eyes and finally let his consciousness slip away.
If Yujin walks into Taerae's room the next morning to see them curled around each other, he doesn't immediately wake them, instead sneaking a quick photo. Whether he sends it to Hanbin or no one, at least the serene moment is captured before he has to rudely bring them back to reality.