Work Text:
Felix…
Yes Laoban?
Thank you.
Sigh...What did you ingest this time?
I myself loathe open endings, my chest feels tightened if everything isn't resolved the way it needs to be at the end of the day. Clarity is something I find precious, as much as beauty. Humour me if you’d like to but I noticed this after checking the last pulse of one of them. A strange thought formed inside my head, that even if I brought together all the lives I've taken it wouldn't compete with how vivid you were. So bright and lively that even when I put my head down at the end of the day and close my eyes I could still see it and oddly enough, sense it. But not anymore. Now all I have is a scrunch in my stomach that doesn't go away no matter what medication I take or how much puke I retch onto the cold tiles. I am sorry for mentioning such eerie things, I am not used to writing, nor treating beauty the way it deserves, which I can only admire from afar now.
Thank you Felix.
For, to put it very simply, being my light- though, I've never wanted you to be. Setting suffering aside, I've never even wanted you to wrinkle your delicate face because of me. But thank you. For brightening my way, for undoing the numbness of my bones. Thank you for sparing my wreck a sun view. Thank you for making me able to feel. So much.
It's not your fault that I feel disgusted by myself like never before. It's my fault for entering this forbidden area just to seek some of your shine greedily. I'm sorry for being a stingy boss and never giving anything of that sort in return.
I'm sorry for leaving you with illusions of me, none of which truly resemble the person behind them. I'm sorry for every moment I entered your garden of sunflowers, despite knowing I should just admire them from afar. Forgive me Felix, for being momentarily drawn into the mirage that I too could desire rays of sun.
I'm sorry that I don't regret the short time we spent. I'm sorry for never being fully sincere in anything I said. I’m sorry that even while writing this, a part of me that refuses to come out of the shadows lingers.
I know Felix, I am too greedy. I just liked too much how you looked towards my direction, how you pouted when I bullied you, how your brows slightly furrowed when you became so engrossed with explaining little matters, how you laughed at everything except the “strange” remarks I made... I liked trying to correct you in accordance with my understanding of “manners” and how you recklessly kept doing whatever came to your pretty little head.
I like your name. In fact, I like it so much that I don't think I've ever heard a more beautiful Chinese name than that. It is mellow, just like its owner. But you will be Felix to me nonetheless. Because my crooked brain also likes to think that we are similar in some small matters, and that we both hide behind flamboyant titles. I know that is not true though. I've never seen you miserably trying to hide the person your given name carries, unlike I ever did.
It was really amusing. It was amusing indeed, I can't recall another moment when I laughed so naturally and heartily that I thought I’d get wrinkles at the sides of my mouth. I don't think I’ll get wrinkles there.
I feel ashamed for making you believe in the illusion that I was as strong as I appeared. I’m not. Even this whole letter stands as a proof of it, because I still can't bring myself to name the things I've been feeling for too long. I can't. Not to myself, not to you.
But Felix, I can tell you this, just in case:
If coincidence hadn’t brought you into my life, I would have continued living in the same way, unaware of everything. You taught me that another kind of life exists in this world, and that I too have a soul. Though I will never be a part of that life and my soul will always be with this person who is out of reach.
I thought I was brave for coming all that way, only to end up handing the letter to your door. My gaze instinctively shifted to the window, trying to see a strand of your fluffy hair. I guess I will never change.
From: Yours, truly
To: My dearest, candy