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Jim found Leonard in the medical examination rooms he had been assigned in Yorktown, his face buried in his hands.
“What’s wrong?”
“Spock,” Leonard mumbled, knowing that his hands muffled his voice.
“I saw him like five minutes ago, what happened?,” Jim asked and Leonard could basically hear the frown. Of course Jim would immediately switch to concern.
“Nothing,” Leonard said and finally raised his head. Of course Jim would immediately worry about a crew member if Leonard said shit like this. They had been in mortal danger just two weeks ago. “He’s fine. But he is my ongoing problem.”
“Ohhh,” Jim made, relieved, and his expression changed to gleeful when the realization dawned on him. He grinned and hopped up on the table in front of Leonard. “Are you having an identity crisis?”
“I’m having a Spock crisis!” Leonard groaned. Jim’s humor really wasn’t helping right now. That identity crisis had come and passed years ago.
“No need to despair. Though he is known to drive people up a wall,” Jim said.
Leonard chose to ignore him. “What’s with him suddenly calling me by my first name?” That one had been bothering him for a while. Ever since they had gotten back to Yorktown, and then some.
“He’s called you Leonard twice.”
Leonard made an unidentifiable noise. “Three times now, actually.” And that had been enough already. He really didn’t want to deal with this, but at this point he didn’t think he could push it away anymore. “It’s unsettling,” he said. “You don’t call me Leonard either.”
Jim extended his leg and slightly kicked Leonard’s thigh. “Jesus, get yourself together.”
“Believe it or not, I’m trying.”
“Alright,” Jim sighed. “Your shift here ends in like two hours, right? Then we’ll have a drink and you can tell me all about it.”
“I can’t wait,” Leonard said sarcastically. But Jim wouldn’t let up until he talked to him, so he might as well do it.
The rest of his shift passed relatively uneventful but Leonard was still happy to hand over his duty at the end of it. He returned to his quarters, even though they felt unfamiliar to him. He couldn’t believe how used he had gotten to his rooms on the Enterprise – something he hadn’t noticed until it had been too late.
There was a common area on the same floor with a bar and a large observation window. Yorktown had entered its night cycle a while ago, so there was no one else around when Leonard entered it.
Except Jim was of course already waiting for him.
Leonard sniffed. “Is that a cocktail?” he asked, looking at the colorful drink in Jim’s hand.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got some vodka for you,” Jim said and grinned before handing him a glass.
“I wasn’t judging,” Leonard said, accepting the vodka gratefully. “It’s just not your usual choice.” He sat down next to Jim on one of the bar stools and was inevitably reminded of their time at the Academy. Except they weren’t on Earth anymore and Jim was at least marginally less out of control – still just as likely to get himself into impossible situations, though.
“I just felt like it,” Jim shrugged and brought the straw in his cocktail to his lips. He swallowed and then redirected his attention back to Leonard. “Alright, shoot.”
Leonard held up a hand and drank his vodka first. This was not a conversation he could have completely sober. Jim raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything.
“He’s driving me insane,” he finally said.
“You mentioned that, yes,” Jim said.
“It’s like me dragging him around on Altamid and trying to keep him alive suddenly flipped a switch,” Leonard groaned. It just made no sense.
“Something like that changes people,” Jim said, nudging his shoulder.
Leonard sighed. “Yes, but not like this.”
“Aww.” Jim put his head down on the bar and blinked up at Leonard. “Does Bones have a crush?”
“You are a menace,” Leonard said. Why he had expected to be able to have a proper conversation with Jim was beyond him.
“Honestly, if anyone tells you they haven’t been attracted to Spock they’re lying,” Jim said and waved a hand dismissively. Leonard gaped at him.
“What?” Jim asked. “I’m not immune either. I just never figured it’d be you who’d be losing his mind over him.”
“Yeah, me neither.” Leonard emptied his glass and Jim straightened up to refill it almost immediately. He remained silent for a moment before he blurted out the next thought. “It was probably seeing him laugh what did it.”
Jim slammed his hand down on the counter, making Leonard flinch. “You saw him laugh?!”
“See?” Leonard rolled his eyes. “It’s such an outlandish concept. All you ever see him do is quirk up that corner of his mouth, the sarcastic asshole, and suddenly he’s sitting next to me laughing in a cave on a hostile planet and I’m afraid he’s about to drop dead.”
Jim leaned back. “Wow.”
“Wow is right,” Leonard said.
“What was it like?” Jim grinned. Of course he would be curious. Leonard rolled his eyes.
“Fucking scary,” he said. Jim looked at him expectantly. “And kinda cute. There, I said it.”
Jim pet his arm sympathetically. “I can’t even imagine it… But wow, I’ve never even heard you say the word ‘cute’.”
Leonard ignored the last remark, opting instead to continue on his little rant. “Also he said he respects me and then I didn’t let him finish his next sentence. Like, who does that? I know he was probably like… expecting to die, even though I’m damn good at working against the odds but really. Who does that?”
“Spock, apparently,” Jim said and sucked at the straw in his cocktail.
“Figures...”
There was another moment of silence before Jim released the straw. “So, what are you gonna do about it?”
“I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”
Jim snorted. “Bones, I’m not Spock though.”
“The last thing I want to do is have another heart to heart with Spock,” Leonard said, shaking his head. Yes, maybe he was afraid of telling the truth in this case.
“Ah, I love my emotionally constipated crew,” Jim sighed.
“I’m not-” Leonard started, but Jim had already continued talking.
“I can’t believe you’re freaking out because he started calling you Leonard. He called me Jim after like a day.”
“See, that makes it... different,” Leonard said, only closely avoiding saying special instead. He didn’t know what had prompted Spock to call him by his first names after years of knowing each other. It was unsettling and most of all it had his head spinning whenever he remembered that first second after Spock had said it on Altamid.
Jim raised his eyebrows. “Damn, Bones.”
Leonard gripped his glass so tightly that it was a miracle it didn’t break.
“Jim, I think I love him.”
Of course Spock chose that moment to walk in.
Leonard froze.
Spock just stood there, his head slightly inclined, and for Leonard there was no doubt that he had heard. Sure, they were at the other side of the room but those Vulcan ears were good. Too good.
“Spock,” he said.
“Leonard,” Spock greeted. Number four, right there. “Jim.”
Jim let go of his glass. “I’ll leave you guys to talk,” he said and got up. Leonard wanted to hold him back because shit , he could really use a mediator now and that was what Jim was best at, it didn’t matter if they were on the bridge or on – relatively – solid ground. But he couldn’t say no without making it even more awkward, so he let him go. This wasn’t Jim’s responsibility, an y way.
Jim clapped his shoulder before he left and did the same to Spock.
Then they were alone.
Leonard moved so that he was standing facing the large window. Spock joined him. They stood next to each other, shoulders brushing, looking down at the Yorktown – or up, Leonard could never be sure. He had to admit that it was beautiful, despite space lurking just outside the artificial atmosphere.
Leonard sighed. Right. Better to bite the bullet then. “You heard that, didn’t you?”
Spock nodded. “I did.”
“Just great,” Leonard grumbled. He emptied his second glass of vodka. This was another conversation he didn’t want to have sober – although he probably should.
“You were talking about me,” Spock said and it wasn’t a question.
“We sure were.”
“I did not know you harbored feelings of this nature for me,” Spock said and Leonard really wanted to leave. “I am pleased.”
“You’re pleased?” Leonard asked.
“Of course I am,” Spock said.
Now Leonard was really confused.
Spock seemed to sense his bewilderment. “I thought I made my feelings clear on Altamid, but considering how you did not allow me to finish expressing myself, I realize now you did not fully understand.”
“Oh,” Leonard made. “I thought you were just...” He stopped himself. In fact, he wasn’t sure what he had thought Spock had been doing. He had been too caught up in sorting out his own feelings. Of course it had been eating at him, but he had thought that respect simply meant the basic definition of the word, and friendship at best.
Spock let out a breath, not quite a sigh. “ Forgive me, expressing myself in this manner is not my forte. Would you allow me to...” He trailed off, an d that was a new thing, too, but Leonard thought he understood.
“I… yeah,” he said even though his heart was thundering in his ears. Touch-telepathy.
Spock raised a hand to Leonard’s face. The gesture felt gentler than it had seemed when Leonard had seen him do it for the first time a while back. But then again maybe Spock did care.
Suddenly he was flooded with feelings that weren’t his own. Warmth. Familiarity. Affection. Something that could only be described as love .
Touch- empathy , he internally corrected immediately and Spock projected a hint of amusement.
He showed Leonard his memory of their time on Altamid, and how he had wanted to finish the sentence. Affection, again.
It wasn’t news to him that Vulcans could indeed have feelings – that Spock had emotions . But feeling them firsthand was something entirely different. It was so wildly different from the emotionless exterior appearance he had.
The memory of Spock laughing from his own perspective was the best and worst thing that Leonard had ever experienced.
When Spock withdrew his hand, Leonard gasped a little.
“So that’s how it is,” he said after a moment he had taken to collect himself.
Spock smiled – just a little, just a fraction, but it was noticeable enough for Leonard’s heart to skip a nother beat. “ Do you understand now?”
“Yeah,” Leonard said and surged up to kiss the damn Half-Vulcan. He had waited long enough.
S pock didn’t seem to have anticipated his vigor but still met him halfway. His hands settled on Leonard’s hips.
Spock’s kissing wasn’t as measured and clinical as Leonard had been expecting – and of course he had never asked Uhura, because that would have been wildly inappropriate. But now he got to know that it was r ather soft and breathy at first before revealing the ferocious intention underneath, the contained Vulcan strength. Spock pulled Leonard closer.
Leonard had been familiar with Spock’s face already, of course, but not this familiar. He realized that he wanted to know every centimeter of it, starting with his surprisingly soft lips. He reached up, one hand cupping the side of Spock’s face, fingertips just barely brushing the tip of his ear, the other coming to rest at the nape of his neck.
“You damn green-blooded hobgoblin,” he mumbled against Spock’s lips.
Spock hummed. “I am beginning to suspect that you do not mean these words as a derogatory insult, Leonard,” he said. Number five. Would he ever stop counting these?
“Oh, they’re an insult,” Leonard said. “But it’s an affectionate insult.”
“Fascinating,” Spock said.
He was, by far, the worst person Leonard had ever fallen for.