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Erik sat alone in their darkened bedroom. They were used to being alone but this time was different. This time they have lost everything they might have even called a life. Any dreams for the future have washed away and now he must wobble aimlessly in an attempt to gather the pieces of himself. He doesn’t quite know how yet…Grieving what you lost is normal, but it is beyond painful. To cry and mope around everyday doesn’t fix the ache, it only worsens it. The thought of doing anything else made him feel sick. The motivation to create art washed away with everything else. How do you gain the courage to do something other than stare at the wall and feel bad for yourself? How do you swallow that lump in your throat every time you think about her? How do you blink away your tears without letting them fall? All of it felt like way too much.
His hands clenched his chest tightly and leaned over, their jaw clenched as tears poured from their eyes. What has it been? Two weeks like this? And still sobbing like a baby. Pathetic, Erik thought.
Their unfamiliar bedroom doesn’t help the heartache either. When their life broke apart it made their home unsafe to stay in. He would’ve tried to stay if the crowd of policemen didn’t stick around to inspect the place. Erik truly lost everything; their instrument, their music, their best friend, their love, and their will to live. What’s the point of living when you have ruined your life already? Erik hoped to be happy with their beloved by now, but life had to make sure that wouldn’t happen. Erik had tried and tried and tried over and over and over again. Nothing good ever happened to them. So, of course the moment they gained some happiness it was stripped away from them at full force.
That night might’ve been the most painful night of their whole life. More painful than his mother’s cruel words and beatings. More painful than the screams and laughter at the fair. More painful than having to flee back to Paris after a failed life underneath the shah. He would go through all of that again if it made sure he forgot all about this heartbreak. Or perhaps all that pain is what made this so extra painful. The fact that any joy must fall apart at some point. To get rejected by his lovely Christine and for her to not want any contact with him…to want to ignore the lies she told him and talk to her again…to break down and watch your best friend walk away because you’ve gone too far. How could one ever be happy again?
A painful cry tore through his throat as he collapsed on his unmade bed. He seemed to cry more than he did anything else. Eating was too difficult when the smell of food made him nauseous. Reading was impossible when his thoughts were louder than the words on the page. Sleep was hard to get when your aching heart kept you awake. There truly was nothing else to do other than sob.
“Christine, I miss you,” Erik whimpered. Saying her name felt like misfortune, but he still loved that name. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help it. He truly thought that one day they would be married, maybe if he was brave they would have a child too. He thought he would have felt loved every day for the rest of his life. Things would be so much easier if love withered away quickly. Those stupid dreams could go away too.
Their hand moved to claw into their arm, he dug his nails into his skin as deeply as he could. He couldn’t help but feel like he deserved this pain. He started it whenever he wanted to stop crying, but now he does it whenever his mind keeps bringing him through dreadful memories. It doesn’t help but he did it anyway. Erik shut their eyes firmly. He whimpered yet again, “Oh daroga..please come back. Come back and tell me everything is going to be okay.” His throat burned as he tried to hold back this next sob, but he couldn’t prevent it. A long whine left him. They didn’t know they could create such a noise. Erik pressed their face to their pillow and let their cries come as they pleased. Clearly tonight was not the night that they can hold themself together. All they can do is hope that one day things might be able to be good again.