Chapter Text
Will was having what looked like a serious conversation with his mother so Mike was about to leave and give them some space. But Will saw him before he could do that.
"Wait… I think you need to hear this too. Everyone does."
His expression was worrisome so Mike quickly turned around to gather everyone.
"Mike-" Will called out again, so he stopped in his tracks and looked over at him.
"On second thought, maybe not everyone. Just… just our party, okay?"
Mike slightly raised his eyebrows because he really had no idea what was going on and then, because this was Will, he gave him a soft, reassuring smile anyways.
"Of course"
A few minutes later Mike was back with Dustin, Eleven, Lucas and Max in her wheelchair. Somehow Jonathan, Steve and Robin had also found their way to Will and they were sitting in chairs opposite of him, leaving the couch next to him empty. Joyce was still sitting right next to him with a frown on her face.
The 5 of them sat down, forming a small circle- it had been a while since it was just them all together… they had gathered a pretty big crowd lately and Mike hadn't really gotten used to it.
Without really thinking about it Mike took the place on the couch that was closest to Will. He wondered what he wanted to say.
Did Vecna reveal something to him? Did something bad happen to him while he was in Vecna's mind?
Will looked restless, pale. He kept playing with the sleeves of his hoodie. It gave Mike the urge to reach out and hold his hand- he was SO close- but he instantly pushed away the thought, weirded out by himself. Will had already started talking so he tried his best to focus on that.
Stupid, unreasonable thoughts can wait. We aren't kids anymore… Will doesn't need stuff like that from me.
"I haven't told any of you this because… because I- I don't want you to see me differently, but the truth is, I am. I am different. I just pretended like I wasn't because… well I didn't want to be. I wanted to be like everyone else, most of all I wanted to be like my best friends." Will looked at Mike, Dustin and Lucas.
What is he saying?
Mike squinted while trying to figure out where this was going, but he really couldn't. Will was talking faster and faster and it was making Mike's heart beat faster in return while his brain was somehow getting slower. What the fuck did that bastard do to his friend to make him feel this insecure? Or was this not about One? Was this something completely different? Was Will really hiding something from them- from him- all along? He blinked and held his fist in his hand trying to ground himself.
"And you know I am like you. I am like you in almost every way. We like playing DnD and hanging out in Mike's basement. We like renting the same DVDs over and over again. We like screaming to each other through our walkies and biking around town all day and racing each other and exchanging comics. And we like making plans about saving the world even if things don't always go the way we want them to. And we like star wars and NASA and milkshakes and popcorn with extra butter and... and almost all the same things"
Mike had completely lost it by now but this monologue looked painful and draining for Will so once again he gave him a smile when their eyes met.
"I just" Will breathed out, his eyes glinting with tears that were seconds away from falling.
"I just don't like girls" he said and Mike's world went blank for a while; he really couldn't tell for how long.
Does- does that mean he likes boys? OF COURSE that's what it means, you idiot… How- how long has he known that about himself? Why is he telling us now? Why is he saying something so big and personal to so many people? These things- aren't these things supposed to be kept secret? How did he find the confidence to say something so… so… not normal?
Will looked at Robin who nodded at him with tears in her eyes as if gesturing him to continue.
Why is SHE crying? Did she know already? Why did she know but I didn't? And why is Steve holding her hand? And Jonathan has the same stupid expression- he looks like a proud, emotional father.
Not that Mike knew what that looked like exactly.
Did everyone already know except him?
"I mean- I do like them" Will chuckled softly which made Mike momentarily snap out of his hurricane of thoughts.
"Just not like you guys do"
"It's not my fault you don't like girls" Stupid stupid STUPID. How could I say that to him? How could I say that to him when I knew what it meant? When I knew deep down that it was his truth? Why did I make him think about all that and face it when I myself- when I had been… I...
Mike was starting to panic. This was too much. He felt like he was suffocating. Like he was the one being put in the spotlight. But somehow Will wasn't done yet. So he breathed in and out. And he looked at Will.
"And I had this crush on someone even though I know they are not like me. But then I realized he's just my Tammy. And by that I mean, it was never about him, it was about me" he was crying now.
Will was talking about some guy. Some straight guy probably. Who was it? Will had a crush… He'd never talked about crushes before. This was weird. Everything about this was driving Mike nuts. And who was Tammy anyways? He felt like he'd heard this name before at school.
"And I thought I was finally okay with myself, but then today Vecna showed me what would happen if I did this, if I told you the truth. He showed me the future…"
So this was about Vecna.
"A future where some of you don't understand me, some of you are… are repelled by me"
Never.
"And some of you are just worried about me like- like I am sick or something. And all that makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and I feel lonely and desperate and I push everyone away and slowly we all drift apart until I am completely and utterly alone. Laughed at. An outcast" Will's voice broke towards the end of his sentence and he squeezed his eyes shut trying to control his ragged breathing.
I want to hug him.
"That's- that's how he got control of my mind this time. He showed me that I'll lose everyone if I am… myself. So I had to tell you all the truth"
Jonathan was suddenly up on his feet walking over to Will and hugging him. His mother too. They were both saying something about how this will never happen and Will will never lose them. But all Mike could think of was how much he hated One for playing with Will's head again, for making him come out to everyone even if he wasn't ready to do so. Mike really wished he could kill him with his own hands.
How dare he make him feel so scared and alone? How dare he make him think that his own friends would discard him? How dare he make my Will cry?
He hated him. But… but he also hated himself. How could he be such a bad friend? If he'd made it easier for Will to tell him… If he'd been there for him then- then maybe he wouldn't have had this weakness and Vecna wouldn't have been able to trap him and make him question himself again. If he'd been brave enough to face that part of himself first…
"You're not going to lose me either" Lucas said and got up to hug Will. Jonathan moved aside to give them space.
"Or me" Dustin followed and joined the hug.
Mike had to say something. He had to move. He wanted to hug Will so bad. But he was terrified of it. He couldn't understand why at the time. But this was Will. And Lucas and Dustin. And this was just a group hug, something they'd done plenty of times. Normal. And Will needed it. And Mike needed it too. He needed something familiar because he really felt like he was losing the earth under his feet.
So he forced himself up.
"Or me" he said and his voice was surprisingly sure and steady. Maybe because he meant what he said with every fiber of his being.
He joined the hug and because he had gotten taller and bigger than everyone his head rested on top of Will's and his arms pretty much fitted everyone inside. This was good. He could finally breathe. He hadn't even realized that he wasn't breathing properly up until now but his fingers and lips were tingling which was a pretty good tell of the state he'd been in.
“And of course you will not lose me either. I am your sister” El spoke up and Mike could tell she cried too. “I didn’t know boys could like each other like that but you’ve taught me many new things, so I am sure you will help me understand this too” she said while walking towards them and had the sweetest smile on her face. She was always so honest, so pure. Her comment made everyone- even Will- smile or laugh and the three boys gave her space so she could hug her brother directly. They didn’t let go just yet either though.
“I love you, bro” she mumbled while they were all still hugging like that and sighed softly against Will’s shoulder. “We all do” she continued and all Mike could do was nod in agreement, hoping that Will would notice.
“I love you too” Will replied with a small smile and his eyes met Mike who had been staring at him without realizing it. Mike quickly looked away, feeling his face heating up. This hug was getting a little too long now.
“Uh excuse me? Will you stop hogging him now? I want a hug too” Max snapped at them so they quickly broke the hug, chuckling. Her eyes were red and she had a huge smile on her face.
Everyone is so okay with this.
Was that a pang of jealousy he felt?
“I know this sucks but you’re gonna have to hug me yourself” she said, Will rushing towards her already. “I am so sorry this asshole made you feel so scared of telling us. He can be really… persuasive. But this is a good thing okay? Because we will beat the bastard and you’ll get to be yourself. No more hiding” Will had crouched down to be on Max’s eye level and was nodding to everything she was saying. He looked so calm now.
But Max had made Mike finally come back to reality. The crushing reality of what they had to do. Stop Henry’s spell, kill Vecna and the Mind-flayer while avoiding the Demogorgons, destroy the Upside-Down so no monsters could get to them ever again. If there was no connection between their world and dimension X then all of them would be safe; they’d get to live their “happily ever after”. No biggie. Only… their biggest, most dangerous, multi-part plan that needed perfect timing, for Eleven’s powers to work like never before and a hell of a lot of luck… They could die. Any one of them could die. Not to mention that his baby sister and a bunch of other innocent kids were in the middle of it all and that if they were wrong or their plan failed the whole world as they knew it would cease to exist.
“Max is right. We can beat him” Will stood up straight and looked at everyone around him. He looked… confident. That was not a usual look on him. It suited him. And Mike found himself hanging on his lips, waiting for his next words. Waiting for Will to calm him down, to knock some sense into him, like he always did.
“El you are strong enough to defeat him in his mind, you’ve done it before and with a lot less training. And you’ll have Kali with you too now. But he is smart, he might retreat to his physical body. That’s where I come in, I will come with you in dimension X so I can help you fight him there” he explained his plan looking first at El and then at Jonathan and their mother. “Max knows his mind inside out, she’s been in there far too long so she’ll help track the kids and get them out of there. And she told me that Henry has weaknesses so I might be able to use that against him, get in his mind too. I-” he trailed off for a second there. “That’s why I told you all these things just now. Because, the last time I fought him, that was the only thing he found to use against me and control me. And now… now that I got that out of the way I think I stand a better chance against him” Will continued with a reserved smile and Mike noticed his cheeks getting a little red. He opened and closed his mouth again as if unsure of what to say next.
“So thank you… for being so cool about this. I- I really appreciate it” he finally said and rubbed the back of his neck while smiling at the floor.
“There is absolutely no reason to thank us about this” Robin cut in and put her hand on Will’s shoulder squeezing it gently. Will wrapped his arms around her waist in return and they hugged each other tightly.
“Yeah we are cool like that” Lucas offered with his smug look earning a few laughs from the crew.
“Thank you, Rockin Robin” Mike heard Will mumble. Nobody else seemed to notice but Mike was still standing pretty close. And well… he was watching them.
“No problem. You didn’t need truth serum after all” Robin replied to him in a small voice and they both laughed as they broke the hug.
So Robin definitely knew already. Why her? When did they get so close?
Robin glanced over at Mike for a split second, catching him off guard. The look she gave him was almost… judgmental. But she didn’t say anything to him or looked at him another time so maybe he was just imagining it? It still made him feel vaguely exposed, as if he had said something he shouldn’t have. He tried to shake it off since they were now finally getting ready to leave.
Their mission was about to start and Mike felt somehow more confident about their plan; Will was right about everything he had said. They could pull this off. He couldn’t stop thinking about Robin’s look though. Was he being a bad friend? Did she look at him like that because she expected more from him? But why him specifically?
He did want to say more to Will, to do more to show him he was okay with everything. But this whole conversation had taken him off guard. He couldn’t understand how Will found the courage to say all that in front of so many people, how he was able to talk about his feelings and his secrets with such honesty. Mike could never do that. Talking about his feelings… even FEELING his feelings was something he struggled with most of the time. There was no way he could have shown his support to Will in front of everyone. Because that would have made him feel vulnerable and weak and awkward. And he hated all that. And most of all he hated the idea that if he’d told Will he understood him, then the others might have suspected that he was the same as Will. That he was gay.
Which he wasn’t. He couldn’t be. Because being a man who likes men was unnatural, it was a mental illness, it was dangerous. Disgusting. A sin. That’s what he’d always heard from his father, from people on the news, from the bullies in his school. He’d heard Will being called all kinds of slurs over the years, especially when he had gone missing. It had made Mike furious back then. So furious he had lashed out. But after a while -this last year or maybe for a little longer than that- he had stopped reacting. Instead every time he heard someone badmouth gay people and queer culture he would just walk the other way or dissociate until the conversation was over. He always felt like hiding, he felt scared. Like they were talking about him. Because he had started to realize he was different. Maybe not exactly like Will, but different. However, that was not a fight he could win, not just yet, so he just pushed all these thoughts and feelings away every single time.
All the hatred and shame he felt was for himself though. Only for himself. He could never hate Will or feel disgusted by him. Never. He was his best friend, the person he had known for as long as he could remember. He cared about him. He loved him. Nothing could change that.
If Will is so open about his sexuality and everyone is so supportive of him then maybe one day… one day I can be as confident as he is.
Maybe… just maybe, since he loved Will for exactly who he was, he could learn to love himself too. But right now these were just corny thoughts that he couldn’t deal with. He wasn’t as brave as Will. He was still scared of being different. He couldn’t face that part of himself yet.
And being with El helped him forget about it, it made him feel normal. So he held onto her, even though their relationship wasn’t what it used to be. Even though his feelings weren’t as strong anymore. That was another thing he hated himself for… he wasn’t being honest with El.
He really did have a lot of shit to deal with after they won this fight. IF they won this fight…
A little while later everything was going according to plan. They had entered the Upside-Down and were slowly but surely climbing up the Squawk radio tower. Halfway up the tower there was a narrow platform and Mike felt the need to stop for a moment to catch his breath. He was leaning against the railing and drinking some water when Will appeared next to him. Mike looked up and realized everyone else was already ahead of them. So it was finally just the two of them. And there it was: Mike’s chance to do better.
“Are you thirsty?” he asked and offered Will his water bottle.
“Yeah, thanks” Will took it and drank while staring out at the view from the tower. Mike couldn’t help but notice how he was avoiding looking down.
“God I really hate heights, this thing is a lot taller and flimsier than I expected” Mike said just to break the ice and hopefully to voice out what Will was thinking about. Will was standing on the other end of the platform, as far away from him as possible. Mike wondered if that was intentional. They used to have a habit of being in each other’s personal space all the time. He really missed that casual closeness some times.
“Right? I thought I was the only one. I feel like this thing is going to fall before we even get to the top” Will replied with a nervous chuckle and looked over at Mike. He passed him his water bottle without taking any step closer to him but then he held onto the railing so now their hands were just a few inches away.
At least that’s something.
“Hey uhm, about what you said earlier at the Squawk…” Mike started speaking without even knowing what he was going to say. He leaned forward, closer to the railing, making his hand slide towards Will’s, just barely touching it.
“I am sorry. I mean, not sorry about what you said. That came out wrong”
SHIT.
“Or NOT came out wrong. Jesus Christ” he slapped his face with both of his palms and rubbed his eyes for a moment, wishing he could just fall off the tower.
“It’s okay” Will quickly said and Mike peeked through his fingers only to find him grinning and then pressing his lips together, barely holding back his laughter.
Okay, he is laughing at me. That’s good.
“No. No, it’s not” he sighed trying to concentrate. “I should have been there for you and I wasn’t” he put his hands down at the railing again. “I guess I was just so self-absorbed that I couldn’t see it. I mean- I kinda knew that this might be the case but I never talked to you about it, never made it easier for you to talk about it. And I feel like an idiot and… I am just sorry for being a crappy friend” he gave Will a quick look and then settled on staring at their hands.
I am sorry I couldn’t be more brave and honest with myself. I am sorry I ignored your problems because I focused so much on my own. I am sorry I couldn’t be there for you so we could figure these things out together.
Mike clenched his hand into a fist and dug his nails in the flesh of his palm. He needed the pain to keep himself grounded, to stop himself from crying and most of all… he just deserved it.
“You don’t have to be sorry and you’re not an idiot. You’re not. It’s just that I didn’t even understand it myself for the longest time so I couldn’t really talk about it with anyone. But I think that it needed to happen the way it happened. I needed to find my own way. And I did. What matters is that you’re still here and that you still think we can be friends” Will reassured him and when Mike forced himself to look at him he had a soft smile on his lips. His eyes lingered on that smile, unable to look away and he felt his body relax instantly. He unclenched his fist.
“Of course we can still be friends. Best friends. Nothing will change that” he blurted out without any hesitation and because it felt like the right thing to do he made himself smile and patted Will’s back, letting his hand rest on his shoulder-blade for just a second.
“Okay” Will let out a sigh of relief while nodding and then smiled again. The smile didn’t seem to reach his eyes though. He looked a little sad, troubled. Mike couldn’t understand why.
But he couldn’t think about that now because he was too preoccupied with something else. That last thing he’d said… about him and Will always being friends and how nothing could change that. That had felt wrong coming out of his mouth, it had felt untrue and somewhat disappointing.
“Okay” he mumbled forcing a smile and started climbing up the tower again. Because all of this was too much for him.
What is wrong with you? WHAT is wrong with you? You are in a relationship and Will does not like you like that. You are friends, just friends. Nothing more. Stupid-delusional-piece of shit. You’d never date a guy anyways. You can’t. You just can’t.
Mike was so angry and frustrated that he climbed up the rest of the way without slowing down for even a second. His inner thoughts were so loud that he couldn’t see or hear anything around him. He didn’t even realize it when he reached the top, he just snapped out of it when he heard a lot of people talking around him.
He had no idea how he would settle any of these feelings… He didn’t know how many more things he could bottle up. That “friends don’t lie" bullshit was slowly eating at his soul. He had to talk to El after all of this was over. That was the right thing to do.
But then the fight was over, they had won and everyone had made it out alive. Everyone except Eleven and Kali. El had once again sacrificed herself for the greater good. She had sacrificed herself for all of them, for the world as they knew it and for all the mothers and children that would now never fall victim to the government’s experiments and torture. She was gone. Gone before they got the chance to talk. Before they could celebrate their victory. Before they could try and find a way to solve their issues with the military and give her the chance to live a normal life.
And Mike… Mike was left alone. All alone with his guilt, his anger and this grief that felt like it would never end. So he did bottle everything up again. Because his hero was gone and part of him had died with her. So nothing else mattered. He couldn’t be happy again, he couldn’t have nice things. His sadness consumed him.
The first three months after that were bad. He was barely functioning, doing everything mechanically. He ate, he slept, he went to school, he went to the hospital to see his parents who were slowly recovering and he helped Nancy find construction workers to fix their house that was still a mess from the attack. But most of all he cried, he cried every day. That was all he could do every time he was alone.
The three months after that were even worse. His parents were back at the house, fully functioning, the renovation was over and nobody needed him anymore. It all started when he stopped crying, which at first he thought was a good thing. But then the numbness came. He couldn’t eat much, he didn’t want to talk to anybody and he was constantly exhausted. There were weeks he couldn’t sleep at all and other weeks when he would barely get out of bed. He felt useless, he was skipping school a lot and there was not a single thing that could pique his interest or make him feel better.
Until he started writing.