Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

mangud bane was walking around when he saw a bee. "hello bee." he said.
"hello man" said the bee.
"wait u can talk????????????" mganus said.
"ya i am barry benson an that woman over there is my wife" barry said.
"u have a wife???//???/???" manus said out of surprise.
"yes HEY VAN COME OVER HERE!!11!!1" barry yeled.
"okey" vanessa said. "hello i am vanessa bloom and i am barry's wife."
"i am mag us bane" magnus said. he looked at alec who walked over. "this is my bf alec hes cute"
"magnus dont embarras me" said alec.
"but ur so cute"
"nice 2 meet u" said vanessa.
sudently shrek waked in. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP" he shouted and then ate them.
then shrek looked at the camera. "what sort of idiot leaves their boyfriend FOR A BEE WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL"
shrek was all of us. shrek is love shrek is life. but the meteor man begged to differ. sudenylu a metero man fell and killed shrek. 

Chapter Text

Shrek opened his eyes. There was a glaring light in front of him. He jumped up in shock when he saw the two most beautiful men he had ever seen in his life, even more beautiful than fiona, who had died a year prior (so this isn't cheating shrek is faithful). One had long grey hair and a beard that shined like the gods, and the other was tall, really tall, with messy brown hair and beautiful doe eyes. Shrek vaguely recognised them from somewhere... maybe a book? or a movie? after fiona's tragic death books were the only thing that could occupy him. He stood gingerly, while remaining cautious.

"Oh good, you're awake," said the one with grey hair. his voice was deep and reminded shrek of honey.

"Yes, yes, I am. Where am I?" shrek inquired.

"I'm sorry to say this is Hell." said the tall one. Shrek was instantly attracted to both of them, which was a surprise because shrek didn't know he liked men that way.

"Who are you?"

Magnus woke up next to Alec. They were in a dark, hot room which had a smell like smoke. "God damnit." he shouted when he realised where he was. He shook Alec awake. "WAKE UP WE'RE IN EDOM AGAIN!" 

Alec shook awake. "What? Again?"

Alec fell back onto the ground in frustration. Magnus lied next to him, cuddling onto his chest. "We may as well make use of the time before we have to do anything" he said, looking suggestively at Alec. 

"Okay"

Barry watched Alec and Magnus from where he was, hidden in a dead bush. He couldn't help but notice how hot they both were, and when they started making out hard, he realised he wasn't in live with vanessa anymore. she just wasn't as attractive as the two hot men with their lips colliding. He flew over to vanessa who was trying to figure out their location. "I'm so sorry vanessa, but i just don't love you anymore."

"WHAT" she screeched. "I RUINED THE HUMAN RACE FOR YOU!!! HOW COULD YOU!" she grabbed a stick and attempted to stab herself in the neck.

"Van..." barry said softly. "I'm in love with magnus and alec now. im sorry."

Chapter Text

"VANESSA STOP!" barry yelled as she neared her nek with the stick. she paused and started to lower the stick. 

"But barry!" she sniffed. "I fell in love with you! I sued  the human for you barry!"

Barry looked at her softly. "I'm so sorry" he said to her, with sympathy. Suddenly there was a bang behidn them. "I'll go check it out!" barry said. "Van, you stay here."

"Fine!" she snapped. "I didn't want to go with you in the first place!" she folded her arms around her knees. "I don't even know where we are!" 

Barry ventured frwards, noticing that alec nd magnus had done the same. He looked around for the source of the noise but could see nothing but rolling plains of a few dead bushes. "What was that?" he shouted to magnus and alec.

Alec looked at him carefully. "It's probably demons." he said. "Last time we were here there were many of them."

"Demons?" Barry exclaimed. "They're real?"

"You are a talking bee." magnus pointed out.

"Fair enough. Wait, you've been here before?"

"Yep" they both said.

"This is edom, or as most people know it, Hell." magnus elaborated. "My father runs it, but this seems to have upgraded. Edom wasn't an afterlife, but it is now."

"Hell? What abut heaven?"

"Yeah, we don't know if that is real. But I'd rather be in hell than purgatory" alec repsonded. "Purgatory is limbo. It's scary."

Vanessa looked around. She hated being alone, especially when she didnt know where she was. In the distance there was a light. She stood gingerly, her green eyes glittering with home. She started to walk towards it. It would be a bad idea but it was the best one she had had so far. There were winding hills of dead grass and the sky was a dark blood orange colour. it reminded her of the flowers she used to sell and she started crying when she remembered barry. barry broke her heart.

she kept walking.

Alec looked at magnus in concern. "What if sebastian didn't die?" he said. 

"He's dead, Alec." magnus assured him. "This is probably a new leader. or my dad."

"ok" 

barry looked at them. "Who's sebastian?"

neither of them responded. They walked in silence until they found a huge crater. At the bottom there appeared to be a small throne with other chairs aroud it. There ws an elevator going down to tje bottom ehich they hopped in. "Let's go downstairs!" shouted barry. They pressed the down button.

Shrek glanced at the two men who appeared to be considering answering him. Eventully they turned back to him. "I am Albus Dumbedore" said the beautiful one with grey hair. "And this is hagrid" he said pointing to the tall one. 

"We just found you." said hagrid, with his gruff yet sweet voice. "You look like u need help!" 

"Yes! I got hit by a meteor mqn and i woke up here" said shrek calmly. 

"ya u died" said hagrid. "this is the only afterlife other than purgatory" 

"would my dead ex-wife be herer" shrek asked

"prbably" said albus. "how about we try to find her"

they walked for a bit until they came across a swamp where they heard a voice. "WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN OUR SWAMP"

"FIONA!!!!!!!111!!!!" shrek screeched in happines. he ran forward until he saw her with a curvy hippootamus. "who's this" shouted the ogre

fiona looked embarrased. "this is gloria the hippo. she is umm my wife"

"UR WIFE????? U CHEATED O NME" shrek started crying green tears. 

'ya i was cheating on u for years because somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. and i just didnt lve u any more" fiona responded. 

"WHAT??????///????? WITH HER??" 

"ya"

slbus and and hagrid put their hads on his shoulders reassuringly.

"I LOVED U FIONA" shrek screamed.

"oh well"

shrek ran into the distance crying with albus and hagrid following closely behind. 

Chapter Text

Hi my name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and i have a long grey beard that reaches my midchest and i have eyes like eyes and a lot of people tell me i look like gandalf the grey (A/N if you dont know who that is get da hell out of here!) im not related to Voldermort but i wish i ws casue hes a hottie. i have pale wrinkly skin. im also a wizard. i was runing after shrek with bf hagrid. shrek was crying bc his wife was cheating on him with gloria the hippo. i reached out 2 cmfort him. "its ok shrek" i say. he cries tears of gren blood. he is so hot when hes sad and i knew that hagrid felt the same way abt him. 

"its not ok" sshrek screame, "my wife cheat on me with a hippo!" 

hagrid moved to embrace him and i did the same. I secretly sniffed his beautiful ears as he cried on my shoulder. they smell like chicken nuggets and i reall wanted to kiss him. i wispered into his ears 'its ok to be sad we'e here 4 u"

van kept walking towards the light. it didnt get any closer. she was contemplating why barry didnt love her any more. she loved him like fleas loved dog. she was dependant on him for life and support and she didn't want 2 live without him. she wanted to kil herself again but she didnt bc she thought that barry miht love her agaun. she keptt walkinh until her legs ached which means she stopped and then started walking again.

the elevator reached the bottom of the pit with a bang. magnus and alec and barry walked up to the throne. they walked around to the frnt of the throne where they saw a massive forehead with a mouth. "helo i am brendoon urie" said the forehead. "but they know me as satan. plsed t meet u" 

"hey i am barry benson and these hot men are magnus and alec" said barry

"cool" said satan. "u want a wish or nah"

"nah" said magnus and alec. 

"i do' barry said. he wantd magnus and alec 2 fall in love with him.

"too bad" sid satan. "i cant grant wishes anyway."

barry started crying limpid tears. he wanted it to be true but it wasnt and he was sad 5eva. magnu and alec looked confused. they started licking barry to make him feel better. 

barry was ok now. he stopped crying and started licing them back. theyre skin was soft and tasted like fl0wers.

satan looked erotically confused.

Chapter Text

Vanessa looked at the ground. she had been walking for what felt like decades. sudenyl she felt a tap on her shoulder. it was a DMEON!11!!1 she screeched when se saw it. 'DO NOT BE ADTAID' said the demon. 'u r hot vanessa' 

vanessa looked fritenrd 'how do u know my name' she sead.

'i was following you' said the demon. 'i know barry broke up with u but I WILL NEVER BREAK UR HEART AND I WJLL NEVER MAKE YOU SUE THE HUNAN RACE!1!' 

vanessa started crying. 'look i want 2 but i love barry so much'

the demon also started crying mayo tears. 'BUT I LOVE YOU BAREY DOESNT. YOURE ESSENCE COMPLETELES ME!'

'BUR I LOVE BAREY' Vanessa cryed harder.

the demon said 'ok but i can i be ur friend'

'ok'

'i will take u to my house' said the demon. 'we can play mario kart and be besties'

'ok 'said vanessa'

 meanwile alec and agnus and bary stopped licking each other when they were all happ. satan glanced at them. 'do u want any chickity nuggs' he saidd. 

'okay'' thhey all said. brendon urie (statan) summoned some beaitoful glistening chickeen nuggets. they ate them happily. 

magnus and alec then started to walka round. "what r u doing" said the talking forehead(brendon urie (satann)) 

'looking a roudn" alec said. magbus nodded.

barry flew over 2 them. 'i ned ti talk to you both"

"ok lets go over here" they said.

when they were in the farthest end from satan barry said 'look im in love with u both i left my wife 4 u"

"im barry but we dont feel the same way we love each other" said megnus

"ya" said alec

"BUT U MUST FEEL TH SAAME WAY" screechedeed barry

'sorry'

'U DONT LOVE ME U SHULD DIE"

albus and hagrid took shrek to their joint house. "lets play mnopoly" said albus.

"ok' said th e others.

they payed monopoly for a while and becane bestie.

Chapter Text

magnus and alec stared at barry. 'what' they said in perfect unison. they could barely believe their perfectly checked ears, or believe their respective cat and blue eyes.

'you heard me, mothercluckers' barry schreeched loudly. 'if you don't love me you should die'. barry looked around for a knife. mangud and alex were still staring in shock. how dare he kill us alex thought to magnus which was a power he had just gotten through the bower of chicken nugges

barry finelly found a knife but it was a toy knife meant to children so when he stabbed malec it did nothing 

'ALRIGHT BEE U HAVE TICKED OFF THE HIGH WARLCOK OF BROOMYLN' magnus screamed. he used his magic to burst barry into flames.

vanessa stared at hte demon. he was rlly good at maroo kart. he only fell off rainbow road six times. vanessa was too busy crying over barry to win. barry and her had spent an entire week trying to play mar kar but barry was too goshdang light to press the controls. 

the demon was Prettt with golden hair and golden eyes and golden skin and golden teeth and golden clothes the demonl looked up and said 'vanessa are we besties yet' no she said bc she wasn't sure she was at that point but they were friends so she told him that. the demon cried of happiness he had never had a friend while as a demon

'let me tell you of my parst' he screeched 

hagrid and albums were losing monopoly to shrek bc shrek used the powers of onions to win. he had one million trillion dollars and one thousand motels and albus and hagred only had one dollar each. they were crying tears of blood. but shrek gave them both a small loan of a million dollars and they were bestows again. 

shrek looked st them . 'look im in love with u both' he blurted out. alusb and hgrisassdnjska looked at him. W H AT they screamed. ' WE ARE IN LOVE WITH U 2' they said in unison. shrek kissed them both. we are dating now he said. shrek looked sad 'i know it's only been forty five minutes since i found out my wife cheated on me with gloria the hippo but i'm glad i have you to bcecuae i need validation.

vanessa looked at the demon 'ok' she said.

'it all started when my best friend died from a meteor in a park. his name was alecsander he was a shadowhunters like me.'

'wait a meteor in the park?1?1??1? i was there!!!!! barry left me for him!' 'cool' said the demon.

'anyway so because he's my parbpatia, i died too because im weak af and i came here but because im super coool i turned into a demon instead. my gf clary didn't die but she is in love with science anyway so it didn't work out. but then i saw u and i AM IN LVOE IRRH YOU VANESSA UR SO HOT THAT OOC PART IS PVER YOU COMPETEN ME'

vanessa blushed. 'ok i luv u 2 bb but first i gotta find barry 2 tell him i don't love him anymore'

MEANWHILE

barry lay in a bundle of his own ashes. he could see magnaurs and alrc mecking out and he smiled. it was u til he SAW VANEESSSA

to he continued 

Chapter Text

there were approximatly 69 emotions running through barry,s mind right now.

on one hand, the overjoyment of seeing malc making out was still giving him a high. but seeing his ex wife who he left flirting with a demon was certainly killing the mood. the demon was golden, he had golden hair and eyes and skin and gold. gold was not  a batter colour than yellow, he thought to himself. he evaluated leaving her. he only left her bc he was in love with magnus and aleksandr, but since they didn’t love him back, he loved vanessa again. he figured it was a good time to tell vanessa he loved her again, before the demon stole her away. as he approcahed vanessa, he could hear snippedts of her conversation.

,i have to find barry and tell him i don’t love him anymore’ vanessa was saying. barry stopped in his traccs. 

‘WHAT????????????’ he couldn’t help but screech for several moments which was long enough to conveniently help malec hyptotheticsln navigate where they were.

vanessa looked up from where she was so tting. ‘barry hat r u doing here’

barryckooked at her with limpidctears in his eyes . ‘i came 2 tell u that mabmud and sled didn’t love me back, and i was coming back to you i love u van:’

vaneesa looked at him sadly. ‘barry i d not a love u anymore, i’m with demon now’

the golden deemom beamed at her with his golden teeth, then turned towards barry ‘i love her and you can’t take me away from her. you left her and now she loves me plush yellow is  bad colour compared 2 gold’

narrybwas starting to sob uncontrollably at this point. ‘but;i-‘ he started but he was cut off myby demin.

’it was your choose to l3ave okay barry? plus i love vanessa so much. in fact i love her so much i’m going 2 mary her.

’WHAT’ barry and van said together

‘van will u marry me?’ the deomn said, ancxiously waiting an answer. 

‘i-‘ van ness stammered before being cut off by another voice.

magnus and alec were still making out when they ehard the unmistakable screech of a hearboken barry. mag looked at his bf and said ‘i know he tried to kill us but should we see what’s going on?????’ 

alek nodded. they held hands as they walked towards the sauce of the noice. as they got closer they could make out two other voices, one clearly of vanessa and the other of,,,,,,,,,, jace?????

noticing alec,s parapie’s voice , they both started to walk quicker and soon saw face of jace. ‘JACE’ they both shouted. the other three all turned to look at thme. 

‘is jace ur real name’ vanessa said to him. magnus and alec were confused ‘do u guys know each other ‘ alec asked. 

‘yeah lol we’re in love’ jace responded. ‘in face i was just asking van essa to marry me u interrupted alec’

’sorry alec said ‘go ahead’

vandssa looked at jace confusedly ‘so aelc is ur parapaape’

’ya’ jace said, ‘but can u answer my question ‘

’oh sorry. ja i’ll marry u’ she said.

jace hugged her and started crying with joy. barry started uncokrtbakky sobbingnagain. alec and magnus both group hugged jace and van. ‘i’m so happy for u bro’ alec said to his brother. 

‘i’m happy too she’s so hot i love ehr’

’and i love him he can actually play mario kart’

malec and jacnessa both starting making out, leaving barry alone to cry. suddenly barry bolted, and flew as fast as his wings and fat body could.