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Carlos had always been open in love.
Whether it is friendship, family or love, Carlos never learned to hide his love.
So, it is very evident when he is in love.
No, it is not the over the top kind of love. It isn’t the ‘running around telling the world you love someone’ kind of love. It isn’t the blowing fireworks for the love of your life kind of love.
It is simpler. It is sweeter. It is kinder. It is quieter.
It is the ‘small acts you do for someone’ kind of love.
Getting a coffee if you see them yawning. Saving a seat just in case they might show up. Carrying their favorite chocolate just in case they need some. Always carrying headphones in case they forget their own.
Being open with your touches, letting it linger, just enough to convey that you mean something to them. Bending over backwards to hear a laugh from them. Doing absolutely anything to keep them happy.
That was Carlos in love.
He wore his heart out on his sleeve. For everyone to see, judge and evaluate. For people to whisper and gossip. It never stopped him. No matter what people said, he liked doing those things for someone he loves.
Every person Carlos has ever loved, has known how he felt about them, even before he has uttered the words.
Carlos in love was dedicated.
Carlos in love was obsessed.
Carlos in love was devoted.
Carlos in love was addicted.
He had loved a few people. It didn’t really always work out. He learned various things along the way, through the ups and downs, through the relationships and heartbreaks.
All those roads led him here.
Led him to the man in red. His teammate. His rival. His friend. The love of his life.
Charles Leclerc.
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Charles knew.
Charles always noticed the little things Carlos did for him.
Bringing him a hoodie if he was cold, leaving his favorite snack on his racing suit, giving him water even if Charles himself didn’t know he was hydrated.
At first Charles wondered if it was just friendliness. Because Carlos had always been a good friend. He was a great friend to Lando and Max, so maybe this was just normal.
When he started to hear the whispers around, that’s when his mind starts to wonder if it’s something else. He hears from the engineers, from other drivers on the grid, from his own friends even.
About Carlos being totally gone for Charles. How he was so in love with man, it should be visible even to the blind.
Charles had sat down, thinking long and hard. He started noticing all those things people talked about.
About how Carlos looked at him, how his touch lingered just a bit more when they were laughing, and how he smiled at Charles.
God that smile. It felt like he thought Charles had hung the fucking moon with how he smiled at him. That soft and sweet smile, combined with his brown eyes. That was a pure look of love.
So, Charles knew.
He never said anything though.
No matter what Carlos did for him, no matter what the world said, he never said anything.
Never acted any differently.
He had always known one thing. Racing was his world. Racing was his life. Nothing was above it, nothing came before it. That’s where his dedication lay. That’s all he has ever know.
He has had girlfriends before. Has been with some guys too, secretly. So he had his sexuality crisis a long time ago.
He had never been in love. He tried to be, he wished he had been in love. He even fooled himself sometimes, thinking he had been in love with his ex girlfriend. He had always known though. He knew that was not love.
His mum had once told him, ‘if you have to think so much about it, its not love Charles.’ He supposed that was right, so he had never been in actual love.
He was fine with it though. If that was one less distraction, if it got him on pole more often, if he stood on the podiums more often, he’d take it.
That’s what he had always heard right? In order to be the best at something, to be the greatest, you had to give up something. So maybe Charles had to give up on love.
He made his peace with it. He had never experienced it, and he was doing fine right? He convinced himself it wasn’t needed.
So, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t mention anything to Carlos, never reciprocated back. He just did what he had always done. Tried to be oblivious.
He stayed silent.
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Carlos was just walking by, brushing a hand through his hair, carrying a coffee cup. Carefree, just minding his business, thoughts filled with sim results and qualifying.
“Carlos is so obsessed with Charles.”
“I know right? It’s so pathetic at this point.”
“I mean, he knows Charles doesn’t love him back right? It couldn’t be more obvious.”
Carlos stops in his tracks. This was coming from the hospitality. He didn’t see who it was, but he heard enough. His heart felt heavy all of a sudden, breaths more erratic than usual now.
He turned on his heel quickly, walking back to the Ferrari garage, back to his driver’s room.
His breathing got more erratic, now having to breathe from his mouth completely. He placed down his coffee, sitting on the small bed, trying to get a grip onto himself.
Is that what everyone thought? He was pathetic? Pathetic for being in love with his teammate. He knew he was obvious. He always knew.
What he didn’t know was how Charles felt. Did he think Carlos was pathetic too? And if all those people thought Charles didn’t love him back, well that might be the truth.
He had once asked Caco what he thought, and even though Caco hadn’t said that Charles didn’t love him, it seemed obvious.
He still tried to carry hope. He always tried to be hopeful. That maybe one day he’d be right. Charles would love him back. He’d hear the words, ‘I love you too Carlos’ from that beautiful Monegasque mouth. He had always hoped. He had been doing so for 2 years now.
That wasn’t the truth was it though? Charles never reciprocated back. He just acted the way a friend would. Laughed like a friend would. Cared like a friend would.
Carlos wasn’t special. He wasn’t a piece of Charles’ heart. No. He was just a good friend, and that’s how he was seen.
He was also seen as pathetic, desperate, and too obsessed with Charles. He usually didn’t care what people thought about him. He had enough haters, by the never cared.
He cared what Charles thought. Did he think he was clingy? Desperate? Pathetic? There is no way Charles is unaware that Carlos is in love with him. If everyone think Charles doesn’t love him back, he most probably doesn’t then.
Carlos tried to calm himself, tears pricking at his eyes, breathing still getting heavier. He couldn’t believe it, but at the same time, it felt like he always knew. Like it was just false hope.
“Carlos? Mate come out, I’ve been waiting for you!” He heard Lando call. He desperately wiped at his eyes, trying to be normal. Before he could get up, the door slammed open, Lando entering with his usual grin. When the younger one’s eyes fell on him, he stopped short in his tracks.
“Carlos? Hey, what’s wrong mate? Is everything okay?” Lando asked, worry evident in his eyes. He sat beside Carlos, looking at him, eyes furrowed.
“I’m fine. It’s nothing.” Carlos stood up, not making eye contact.
“Come on mate. I know something is up. Just tell me.”
“No, Lando. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” He moved around, trying to find some water. He was well aware of the pair of eyes that were on him.
“Carlos, I know you’ve been crying.” Lando spoke gently, walking towards him. Carlos stopped immediately, closing his eyes, trying to compose himself.
“I’m your best friend you muppet. I know when you’ve been crying. What happened?” Lando asks, pulling Carlos gently towards the bed.
So, Carlos recounted everything that he had heard, everything that had happened.
“What do they now mate? They are just a bunch of sick freaks. Talking as if they know everything. They know nothing mate, ignore them.” Lando tried to convince him, slight anger in his voice.
“I see it in his eyes Lando. I see it in his actions. He doesn’t love me, Lan. He doesn’t. That- that is the truth.” Carlos whimpers, trying to control his tears.
He can’t control it. A few tears fall out.
“Who knows Carlos? He might love you. Have you talked to him about it?”
“You know me mate. You know that he already knows. There is no way he does not know. He would have said something by now. He doesn’t love me.” Carlos stated, tone now monotonous.
Lando just looked at him, mouth slightly open, as if he was trying to form words. None came out. So, Carlos just sat there, staring ahead.
He felt an arm around his shoulders, and a body hugging him from the side. Lando whispered ‘it’ll be okay’ as he hugged Carlos tighter, leaning his head on his shoulder.
They sat there is silence for a few minutes, as the Ferrari garage around them bustled with qualifying energy.
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Carlos decided to stop.
He decided to pull back, to stop pursuing. He receded into the background. Faintly. Quietly.
He stopped wearing his heart on his sleeve, stopped being so open in love. No more deliberate touches, no more bending over backwards just to get a smile on Charles’ face.
He still smiled at Charles, still did all the interviews, still helped if Charles asked.
He stopped appearing next to Charles at every opportunity he could find, though. He stopped bringing coffee, stopped asking how he was five times a day, stopped trying to make him laugh even if Charles seemed just a bit off.
He decided to step back from it all.
He decided to protect his heart.
He made sure Charles won’t have to deal with his clinginess and desperation.
He set him free.
Charles noticed his absence.
He noticed it like he notices everything about Carlos. Every movement, every brush of hair, every smile. He always noticed.
He never said anything.
He thought it didn’t matter. That no matter what he said or did, Carlos would be there. How the sky is brightened almost every day, Carlos would appear by his side every day possible.
He never thought he’d feel alone. That it would feel suffocating to be without Carlos. He felt like Carlos had always been there. He was there whenever Charles needed him, not a second late. Not giving Charles ever a chance to find him, to ask for him, to miss him.
Now? Now he wasn’t here.
It hit Charles like a couple of rocks in his chest. Every day that Carlos was distant, everyday that Charles wasn’t touched by Carlos, it felt like a huge rock had settled in his chest. And everyday these rocks kept piling on.
Safe to say, Charles missed the man. He missed those soft brown eyes on him. He missed that expensive cologne he got a whiff of whenever the Spaniard was too close to him. He missed that smile, he missed looking at those lips, he missed the laughs, the way he felt lighter whenever Carlos was around.
Charles had a lot of friends, he made many new friends, and he had lost a lot of good friends. It never felt as bad as how it feels right now. The ache of missing someone so closely, as if they were the opium needed for you to breathe easily. Hell, he hadn’t even felt that for his ex-girlfriends or boyfriends.
He felt that for Carlos.
He somehow felt everything for Carlos.
He couldn’t even deny the fact that it was love. What else would explain his misery? He had tried every possible theory that would fit, but nothing does. Only this one does.
He loves Carlos. Has been loving him for a while actually, now that he thinks of it. The realization is utterly and spitefully late, but it is there nonetheless.
Another fact that he has learned about himself? He needs Carlos around. He needs him to be there, to smile at him, to laugh at him, to just touch him casually, and just to shine around him.
It has been a month, since Carlos maintained his distance, and it has only gotten harder for Charles to pretend like it’s okay. He’s tired of pretending. He can’t anymore. He needs the man, desperately.
So, he reverses the chase.
He starts showing up near Carlos. Carlos could be conversing with anyone, and Charles would just stand near him, listening as if he was the part of the conversation.
He started showing up near his driver’s room, walking with him anywhere they had to be together. He wished him good morning every day, asked how his day was going.
He brought him coffee just the way Carlos liked, because of course he remembers. He’s noticed the man enough to know his likings. Sure, he just got aware for his obsession and love for the man, but he’s been noticing him for years. How could he not? It’s Carlos.
He kept a water bottle with him at all times, just in case Carlos was thirsty. He talked to Carlos about random things happening in his day, or some cute thing Leo did.
Carlos didn’t communicate much.
He heard what Charles had to say, he always did. But he didn’t laugh like he used to, didn’t talk to him like he used to, didn’t joke around like he used to. It’s like he still had his walls up, and he refused to let them go. He refused to open up to Charles again. And this was completely killing Charles.
He looked for Carlos’ smile across the room, but Carlos didn’t look at him anymore. The eyes that used to be so easy to find, they didn’t look at him anymore.
He wouldn’t give up though.
He’s going to fight. Fight for Carlos.
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Charles was simply boiling with rage.
Carlos currently stood with Lando, laughing over something, his arm going across Lando’s waist, trying to hold himself stable. Lando was also laughing back, his teeth gap at full display, looking too happy for Charles’ taste.
“Why are you looking at them like you’re going to kill them?” Max asked, suddenly appearing besides Charles.
“Not them. Only Lando.”
“Oh right of course. You could never harm Carlos.” Max muttered to himself, and Charles just ignored it. He was too busy looking at the way Lando was now grabbing onto Carlos’ arm, animatedly telling some story.
“Look at him. He’s literally stuck to Carlos. Doesn’t he know how to back off?” Charles grumbles, eyes thin, praying to God to end this torture right in front of him.
“You know they are best friends right?” Max answered casually, and it just seemed to anger Charles even more.
“So what? He doesn’t need to cling to Carlos for them to be best friends. What’s he trying to do? Just inhale Carlos?” Charles huffed, his brain going haywire with anger.
“He could do whatever he wants for now. Carlos is extremely single from what he’s told me, and I don’t see you doing anything about it.” Max grinned, as Charles turned to him, clearly offended.
“What the fuck? I’m doing a lot for your information.” Charles glared at him. He was. He was showing up, always initiating conversations first, even making Carlos laugh sometimes.
“I don’t see Carlos running back to you. You lost your chance once, and just doing things is a very slow process. You have to use your words Charles. Your words.” Max explains, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It most definitely isn’t for him.
Charles knows the man is right. He’s been wandering around Carlos for two months now. Maybe words would be much better. Maybe then Carlos would see how much love Charles has for him.
Before he could say anything, he sees Lando leaning so close to Carlos, his lips touching Carlos’ ear, his hand on the dip of Carlos’ waist. Oh how Charles saw red.
“That’s fucking it. He’s dead.”
He starts walking over to the duo, and immediately pushes Lando away from Carlos.
“Woah, mate. What the hell?” Lando reacts, stumbling back.
“You fucking stay away from him alright?” Charles growls, looking at Lando with fury in his eyes.
“Charles? What are you doing? What’s wrong?” That is when he finally looks at Carlos, who is looking ultimately confused.
“What is your problem mate?” Lando asks, walking back up to him and Carlos. He was going to stand near Carlos again, but Charles couldn’t take it.
He pushed him back, harder this time, and he almost fell, if it weren’t for Max who caught him.
“Just stay the fuck away from him.”
“Charles? What are you even doing?” He hears Carlos yell, and he snaps back into him senses. He looks into those brown eyes, looking at him with heavy confusion, and borderline anger.
He slowly calmed down, looking at Carlos, just really looking at him. Why couldn’t he see it? How in love with him Charles was?
Max’s words were ringing in his ears, and he has had enough. Enough of not being able to touch Carlos, not being able to kiss him, to see him laughing with Charles, not being able to stand as close to him as Lando does.
He grabs Carlos’ hand, dragging him towards the Ferrari hospitality. He can hear Lando in the background complaining to Max about something, but he couldn’t give less of a fuck. Carlos, for most part, quietly follows Charles.
Charles guides him back to his own driver’s room, shoving him in, closing the door behind him.
“Charles what are you doing. Why did you push Lando back? Did he do something?” Carlos asks him, now genuine anger lacing his voice. All Charles can focus on is the way the man says his name. As if it was ‘Sharls’. It’s been a while since he heard that.
“Yeah. He did. He was all over you.” Charles grumbled, avoiding looking Carlos in the eye.
“All over me? What are you talking about?” He asks, looking even more confused.
“He was clinging to you. His hands were all over you. And you were letting him do all that.” Charles spat, anger coming back to him, as he lifted his eyes to stare back at Carlos.
“Let him? Who are you to decide if I let him? I’m not dating anyone Charles, I could do whatever the fuck I want. I’m single.” Carlos groaned, looking at the ceiling.
“Oh yeah sure. You’re single. That makes everything okay?” He scoffed.
“Why does this bother you so much, Charles?” Carlos asked. Charles stopped in his tracks, taking a moment. He could back away, say it was all a misunderstanding. The way Carlos was, he would even forgive him.
“Because I’m in love with you.” Charles said, a bit slower, as he saw Carlos stop pacing, his brown eyes wide. He looked like a deer caught in between headlights.
“Carlos, I’m in love with you. I- I realized it a couple months back, but I am so in love with you, that it hurts.” Charles explained, walking towards him.
“I- I know I only realized it after you stopped talking to me, which I don’t know why that happened. But it made me realize, that I love you. I need you here with me. I want you around me at all times.” Charles finished, a small smile on his lips.
Carlos’ eyes shine with mirth, as a slow smile graces his lips. He looks at Charles as if he’s been wanting to hear those words for so long, and now Charles isn’t scared of saying it anymore. He knows racing is his love, and his only purpose, but not anymore.
He needs Carlos too. Carlos is way too important. He can’t back away from him, he could never walk away. Racing is his life, yes. But he can’t imagine his life with anything other than Carlos. He was a constant rendition in his brain, even if he was in the car. It never stops, and Charles doesn’t want it to.
“I love you too, carino.” Carlos grins back, pulling Charles closer, grabbing onto his waist. Charles immediately follows, puts his arms around the older one’s neck.
“I was hoping you did.” He whispered, as he leaned in, catching Carlos’s soft plump lips, with his own. He couldn’t believe he got to do this, to kiss this man he’s been in love with for god knows how long.
He feels Carlos kissing him back, softly, but oh so passionately. Their lips move with each other in such a rythym, as if this wasn’t their first kiss. Sparks travelled through Charles’ entire body, as he pulled Carlos impossibly close, his hand in the Spaniard’s hair.
They broke apart when they just couldn’t breathe, but never letting each other go. They stood in each other’s arms, smiling like morons, looking at each other as if the whole world had stopped.
Now that Charles knew the taste of Carlos’ lips, he’s never going back.
“Charles! Man I want to talk!” They heard Lando outside his driver’s room. They both broke into a fit of giggles, like little kids.
“Looks like you’ve got some explaining to do, carino.”