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"Hello, my little superstar!" Caine's loud, performative voice breaking the silence made me flinch hard. I snapped my head up to see him.
Caine was hovering probably about 6 feet above my bed, which I was sat on, staring directly at me with his brightly pigmented eyes. I had accepted that was normal to him to pop up out of nowhere unexpected by now, but I didn't exactly want anyone to see me right now. Immediately, I began frantically wiping away the tears that were relentlessly streaming down my face.
He'd caught me crying.
I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want him to see me vunerable. I covered my face with my hands to cover my tear-stained cheeks.
But he'd already noticed.
Through my fingers, I saw his concerned face, still ceaselessly staring at me, but seeming to study me too.
He swooped down, his action performed slower and more careful than usual, and plopped himself down on the bed in front of me, settling to sit on his knees. He awkwardly fiddled with his cane in his fingers, something I'd seen him do before, usually when everybody comes back displeased after an adventure. He placed it down on the bed. I recoiled slightly, wiping my face with my arms to try and conceal my pitiful state.
"Uh..." He muttered, and took off his hat, holding it in his hands in his lap. He switched to awkwardly fidgeting with it instead, looking down at the bed below.
"Why...are you crying?" He questioned, his voice breaking slightly as he said the words. He tilted his head...or well jaws, back up to meet my eyes. I immediately broke the eye contact, preferring to stare down at the mattress I was sat on. It felt less...confrontational that way.
"It's-it's nothing." I sniffled. Unfortunately, my attempts at concealment were futile, the tears didn't cease to pour out like a running tap, all that I could still manage to stifle were sobs.
He suddenly leaned in his close, his head less than a foot from my face. I flinched in surprise, before tilting my head back up to meet his gaze
"Was it the adventure?"
I blinked,
"Wha-"
"I will admit, this one was supposed to be scary, but I didn't think it would make anyone...cry" His voice broke as he said the words, but it sounded uncharacteristically soft for him. He stared at me, seemingly searching my face for an answer. His face then contorted to one of pure sadness, his jaws contorting to look like the furrowed eyebrows of a heartbroken human.
"No Caine...it wasn't the adventure..."
"Great news, superstar!" He practically shouted.
His demeanour switched up concerningly fast, he propped himself back upright, no longer leaning towards me. His jaws curved upwards into his way of smiling.
His eyes, filled with relief, began to show concern again.
He then began studying my face again.
I curled up into a little ball, my arms wrapped round my legs and my face buried in my knees to hide it.
"Hm."
He fell silent. I peeked up a little from my knees, and his face was once again contorted into one of sorrow. His shoulders drooped.
I felt his hand rest on my shoulder.
"My dear..?" His voice was even softer than before, he was never usually this quiet.
The tears somehow managed to pool out even faster, running faster than I could wipe them away. I let out a little, pitiful hiccup.
Caine carefully lifted my hand into his, interlinking his fingers with mine. He gave it a gentle squeeze before softly rubbing his thumb over the back of it, back and forth, back and forth.
I did have to admit, it felt nice.
"What's the matter?" He questioned in a hushed tone, his voice so much gentler than how it usually sounds.
And then I broke.
Unable to control it anymore, I sobbed, the pathetic noises revealing the anguish built up inside of me.
"Oh...sweetheart."
I was suddenly jerked forwards, and onto Caine as he pulled me in. He wrapped his arms around me immediately, pulling me into his warm embrace.
At first, I froze up, unsure of how to react, before quickly melting into the hug. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, snuggling my face into his chest.
I felt his hand began to gently stroke my head, occasionally stopping to play with some of my hair, delicately wrapping the strands around his finger, before releasing it and smoothing it down to my scalp once again.
I hadn't realised how much I'd needed to be held, to be loved.
"It's all going to be okay, my dear, all okay."
Those words, they sounded so familiar, so commonly said by one of my fellow cast members, the very one I was crying about the loss of in that moment.
Or at least, it used to be said by them, before they...
I pulled away, sitting upright in his lap. He shifted his arms, opting to wrap them around my waist. I softly placed my hands on his shoulders, locking my eyes with him.
"Caine...can you bring her back?" I stuttered.
"Ragatha?" He responded. I sniffled at the sound of her name. Caine's eyes were suddenly filled with guilt. "No...I'm so sorry sweetheart, I...can't."
I looked down, quivering.
"I can't bring her back."
"Why, why did she have to leave me?"
I whimpered, reaching for his hands, to which he quickly interlocked his fingers with mine.
"Why did she have to...abstract?" The words came out cracked and broken, and I found myself blubbering in his arms again.
I pushed my face back into his chest, pressing my entire body against him now, practically laying on him. The sobs helplessly escaped me, rendering me a bawling mess in his embrace
"It's not going to be okay...is it?"
"It will, it will be okay, I promise."
Caine's body shifted beneath me, and I felt his legs suddenly come into contact with my lower back. He wrapped them around it, somehow pulling me even closer against him. His hands reached my back, rubbing it up and down, up and down. I quickly wrapped my arms back round him.
"It's okay, it's okay." He soothingly whispered into my ear.
"I miss her, Caine."
"I know sweetheart, I do too." Caine's voice sounded broken, I'd never heard him like that before, I doubted that anyone in the circus had before. He must have been hurting too. I mean, he always tried his best to entertain and make his guests happy, tried every type of adventure, but another one of them had abstracted despite all his efforts. He must've felt like he had failed Ragatha, like he was a failure.
We stayed like that for a while, him reassuring me, cuddling me close, and me reciprocating by desperately clinging to him. The way he stroked my back, the way he whispered into my ear, it was strangely grounding, and after a while my bawling calmed to soft crying.
After what must have been about 15 minutes, he pulled away, cupping my face in his hands. He had a hopeful look on his face, his eyes sparkling slightly.
"I think I know what might calm you down..."
I furrowed my brows in confusion, after all, I was already being soothed by him.
He released my face, allowing me to sit up by myself. He rubbed his jaw, the equivalent of a human rubbing their neck, I suppose.
"I saw some of Gangle's art and..."
I tilted my head in curiosity.
"Well...she said that the dynamic would be soothing to her. I thought it might be soothing...for you too."
I blinked in surprise. I'd seen some of Gangle's art, she mostly drew Zooble...and she used to draw Ragatha too. I rubbed away newly emerging tears at the memory. I swiftly changed my train of thought to think about something else she drew, blank figures, quite like the NPC mannequins here in the circus, all getting up to different things. But most notably, she'd draw them hugging or cuddling, with lots of different size differences between them. I wondered if that was it.
"What...what is it?"
"Um." He continued to rub his jaw. "Let me show you, just don't freak out, okay?"
"What-what are you gon-"
Suddenly, the surface beneath me disappeared, and I was falling, but almost immediately landed on something. The surface was somewhat plush beneath me, too firm to be my bed. I sat up, trying to figure out what the heck had just happened to me.
And there he was, absolutely humongous, and holding me in the palm of his hand. My eyes widened and I inhaled sharply. He''d shrunk me.
"Are you alright, my dear?" His voice was suddenly deafening in my ears, echoing everywhere at once, I quickly lifted my hands to cover them. Caine's face contorted to one of surprise.
"Oh, sorry." He awkwardly rubbed his jaw, looking away.
I gulped thickly, and focused on my breathing. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, it's going to be okay. I lowered my hands back down to my sides. He suddenly snapped his head to look back at me, eyes wide and seeming to study me again. His arm shifted, and he began to lift his free hand up. l flinched. He slowly began to reach for me. I inhaled sharply before instantly backpedalling in his hand until I was pushing myself backwards against his fingers, my whole body trembling slightly.
Caine arched his jaws into a guilty expression.
"It's..it's okay." He said, his voice soft.
He suddenly looked heartbroken,
"You're afraid of me, aren't you?" He retreated, placing his hand back at his side. I took a deep breath, and stuttered out,
"No-no..." I gulped, nervously rubbing my arm with my hand. "...yes, a little" His fingers twitched behind me. I lifted myself so I wasn't leaning against his fingers, and settled to sit on my knees.
"But-but don't worry, I can...get used to this."
He slowly began to lift his hand again. I took a deep breath, he isn't going to hurt you, I told myself in my head.
"Can I, can I touch you?" He questioned, hope beginning to return to his face. I nodded meekly.
He began to reach for me, slowly and carefully, watching my face to search for any reaction, for any sign of fear. Until finally, it reached me. He gently brushed his finger against my hand. I flinched, but didn't resist. I exhaled, realising how nice it felt. I smiled warmly up at him. He gingerly lifted my hand up between his thumb and forefinger, and just held it there.
From this perspective, I could truly see how giant he was compared to me. My hand was only half the size of one of his finger pads. My eyes widened at the realisation. Suddenly, he released my hand, and swiftly shifted it to behind me. I quickly snapped my head around to see what he was doing.
No, I need to trust him.
He brushed his fingers against the back of my head. I whimpered, more in surprise than fear, but didn't shy away.
"It's okay sweetheart."
"Mhm."
I gazed up at him and into his eyes, enjoying the sensation of him petting me. It amazed me how a person so giant, could be so gentle. I leaned into his touch.
He continued to stroke me, slowly moving down to my back and tenderly rubbing circles on it.
It was so, so soothing.
"Don't be afraid, I'm not going to hurt you."
I smiled up at him once again,
"I know Caine." I reached up and pulled the finger that was petting me.
"I know." I hugged it to my chest, wrapping my arms around it and nuzzling my face into it.
I watched as the relief washed over his face, changing to one of contentment.
But with the shock of being shrunk having worn off, I remembered why he shrank me in the first place.
My hold on his finger changed, I gripped it tightly.
"Hm?"
I found myself choking back tears once again, and he noticed, concern glittering in his eyes.
I was suddenly jerked from my position, and quickly found myself pressed against his chest once again, his hand pressing me into it.
"It's okay little one...you ca-can cry if you need to, I'll be here."
Instantly, i snuggled into his chest, gripping the fabric in my hands. The tears began to flow once again, I hid my face in his chest.
I felt his fingers once again gently stroke the back of my head, and I melted into the touch.
Everything was going to be okay.