Chapter Text
Alone in his bedroom, Ilya wrenched the door shut and fell back against it. He raked rough fingers through his hair as his chest began to heave with panicked sobs. He pressed his fist to his mouth to muffle the sound. He needed Shane to leave so he could let it out. And still, a small, mutinous part of him desperately wanted Shane to hear, to come up the stairs. But of course, he didn't. As soon as Ilya heard Shane’s car start in the driveway, he let out an anguished moan. Everything was fucked. He had ruined everything. Shane was gone.
Suddenly overwhelmed with the need to destroy something, Ilya flung his phone violently against the opposite wall. He regretted it instantly. Disgusted with himself, Ilya sank to the floor and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, still breathing too hard and too fast. He wanted to tear his heart out and smash it like his phone. He wanted to crack open his skull and see what the fuck was wrong with his brain.
He brought his face to his knees and struggled to calm down. The only coherent thought he could form was He’s gone. Like a drumbeat, the thought pounded against his aching temples: He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone.
Eventually, his tears slowed and his heart rate steadied. His mind made room for a torrent of memories and emotions, and Ilya was forced to relive every awful moment of the last two days. Ilya was tormented by the juxtaposition of Shane's harsh, unfair words and his confused, stricken face. Ilya had hurt Shane because Shane had hurt him. He had told Shane to go home. Ilya wasn't Shane's home in the way Shane was his. And Shane had left. He had fucking left.
Ilya rose shakily and retrieved his phone. He saw a text from Wyatt and quickly shut the phone off. He shouldn’t be around people tonight. He ran his thumb over the crack on his phone screen. No one would miss him. He was a fucking shitty captain and a fucking shittier person.
Though it was still light out, Ilya fell heavily onto his bed and curled into himself. He hugged a pillow that smelled faintly of Shane. He screwed his eyes shut and tried not to think of everything he should have done differently.
-
Hours later, Ilya was dimly aware that the sun had set and that he still hadn’t moved. His agony had subsided into numbness. He felt chilled but didn’t bother getting under the covers. His head hurt. He should get some water or something. Do anything. Instead, he just lay there, staring at the small dent he had put in the wall.
In the darkness, he registered soft sounds coming from downstairs. He didn’t have the energy to consider what they meant. He didn’t move until the door to his bedroom was pushed open and the light was turned on.
“Ilya?”
He looked over his shoulder to see Shane in the doorway, with puffy eyes and a face tight with concern.
“Oh my God, Ilya, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I don’t know why I…”
“You came back,” Ilya croaked. He dropped his head back onto the pillow, exhausted, and the tears started again.
“I turned around,” Shane said with a trembling voice. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I said any of that.”
Shane felt sick with fear when Ilya didn’t reply. Maybe Ilya didn’t want him here. Ilya had asked for space and Shane hadn’t given it to him. Maybe that was the kind of argument that meant it was over. Everything Shane had thought to say on the drive back flew from his head. Whatever he had expected, it wasn't this. He hesitated in the doorway, unsure of what to do. Then he noticed that Ilya’s shoulders were shaking with the effort to suppress his sobs.
Shane moved quickly then. He climbed onto the bed and put a hand on Ilya’s shoulder, tugging gently. Ilya turned and finally made eye contact, and the depth of the pain in his eyes made Shane’s fill with tears. Shane pulled Ilya’s head onto his lap, stroking his hair and searching his face for more things he had missed.
“I’m so sorry,” Shane murmured. “I love you.” He pressed a kiss to Ilya’s forehead. “I love you so much.”
“You came back,” Ilya repeated in a whisper, voice cracking. He took Shane’s hand and pressed it to his cheek. He let out a shuddering breath and shut his eyes in relief.