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Dumb Ways To Die

Summary:

everyone kills mike in various ways

Notes:

whatever man. i don’t care anymore. whatever

Work Text:

ONE

“Friends? No way.”

Will’s eyes light up for a moment, a shred of hope in them, before Mike Wheeler rips it all away.

“Best friends,” Mike says, a cheeky smile on his face.

Will forced out a laugh. “Yeah! Yeah. Sure. Best friends. Um. Hey, Mike?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you turn around real quick?”

Mike raised an eyebrow, but does it anyway. Ever-trusting of Will, his best friend.

Will shoves him over the side with a swift push, a smile on his face.

Mike hardly even registers what’s happening before he hits the ground.

 

TWO

Mike, in his fifties now, is driving to work, when a familiar voice comes on the radio.

“Heyyy, you know who it is! Rockin’ Robin, back again, here to play the hit single by new rising pop star, Chappell Roan!”

Mike slams his head onto the steering wheel, causing his car to swerve wildly into oncoming traffic.

 

THREE

Will has been waiting for this moment for a long time. He lifts his foot off the brake pedal, moving it to the gas.

And he slammed it down.

Mike didn’t even have time to move; he just looked up, eyes wide and flashing in the headlights of Will’s car. His mouth moved to say something, maybe Will’s name, but he kept going.

Soon, his former best friend was just a mark on the pavement.

 

FOUR

Mike Wheeler had never been the most observant person in the world, but he didn’t think he would be stupid enough to step directly on a landmine.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened.

People talk about “the view from halfway down,” but no one ever talks about “the view from halfway up.”

Likely because no one steps on a landmine, Mike thought distantly, wind whistling in his ears as the ground got closer and closer.

Jonathan Byers smiled as he heard the distant splat from where he sat in wait, hand on the trigger for the landmine.

 

FIVE

Who even had hydraulic presses these days? And how had Mike gotten under one?

He watched it get closer, not knowing what to do, until a light turning on caught his gaze (caught his gaze…just like this gay was caught).

He turned to look, about to call for help, until the words died on his tongue.

It was Will, his hand on the lever that lowered the hydraulic press.

And that was the last thing he saw.

 

SIX

“Michael.”

Mike turned around, eyes widening to see Max, still in her wheelchair with a shotgun hoisted in front of her, her eye trained in the sights.

“Max? What—“

“Don’t move.”

He froze, and the shot rang out. Mike dropped to the ground, lifeless.

Max wheeled up to him, her expression blank, and she pulled out her walkie talkie.

“It’s done,” she said into it.

“Good,” Will’s voice crackled through. “Good.”

 

SEVEN

“You’re like Superman!” Mike was saying, but El wasn't listening. He had said this time and time again, and it didn’t mean anything to her.

He couldn’t even tell her that he loved her back.

Stupid…

“This is stupid,” El said, her voice low.

“—what? El, what are you—“

“SHUT UP!” she shouted, whirling on Mike. In a split second, his head exploded, blood splattering onto El’s face.

But it wasn’t the first time her hands had been coated in blood.

She stood up and flexed her fingers, feeling more powerful than ever before. She walked forward and stepped over Mike’s body, ready to finish her job.