Chapter Text
The knife makes that awful screeching sound as she scrapes rice off of the edge of the plate. She shudders.
It’s been three weeks since Atom-Bomb-Gate as she’s calling it in her mind, and things feel..bleak. She had spent the first 4 days in a bottomless pit of whatever she had left in her liquor cabinet, spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling and a lot of time ignoring Manousos banging on her front door. She didn’t want to hear it. She couldn’t hear it. Initially. She knew she was the one who came back, told him she chose the world, but after she’d gone into her house, closed the door and saw her empty home, Carol needed it to all just stop for a while.
She’s brought back to the present by the sound of Manousos’ chair scraping across the floor.
‘Gracias, por la comida, Carol.’
Carol smirked. Well shit, they were sort of becoming friendly.
‘De nada, Manu - my pleasure.’
This had started to become a regular occurrence now, usually at Carol’s but occasionally they’d had dinner at his. The conversation was sparse, but Manousos’ English was getting better and he was teaching Carol some basic conversation too. They were friendly. And Carol had to admit, it was nice. In the clusterfuck of the last few months, Carol had really only come to know her, if you could even say that - had she even known her? Anyway, she liked him. Even if his personality was as prickly as a cactus.
He made his way towards her front door. It was getting late and this was when they’d part ways.
‘Again? Tomorrow?’
‘Sure’, Carol replied, ‘We work at yours and then comer after?’
‘Sí, voy a cocinar pescado.’
Carol smiled. She knew that Manousos still did not trust them and had been taking himself off some days to go fishing, so most of the dinners they share at his ‘house’ contain fish.
‘Sounds great, we never have fish.’
He frowned. Then he started laughing and soon after she joined in.
‘You are funny, Carol Sturka.’
‘What have I told you about the full name? You sound like you work for the fucking TSA.’
He cocked his head slightly, which made Carol smirk.
‘Buenas noches, Manousos.’
‘Buenas noches.’
And with that, he was gone.
And so was her company.
She had started to enjoy the days she spent with Manousos, working on his theory to try and reverse the joining. They spent hours pouring over books on electromagnetic waves, collecting up old radios and often butting heads.
But at night, she was back to being by herself.
And she couldn’t help but miss her.
The trip they took together now feels like a fever dream looking back. Carol was so blind to what was going on. She let herself believe that it was really Zosia coming through, the real Zosia. Deep down she knew it wasn’t. It was them. She’d said as much that first night but then they kissed and then that happened and then it was just too hard. She was - is - lonely, she craves human affection, shoot her.
After three weeks it was becoming harder and harder to remember the reason she had left her on that helicopter in the first place. Surely she could make her see, see that she needed to fix things, that that girl who loves mango ice cream is still in there and that she can be free again.
Carol seemed to have the same conversation with herself night after night. And it was getting harder to resist.
She poured herself a drink and went to sit down on the couch. The landline blinked away at her in the corner of the room.
‘Nope.’ She said to no one in particular.
Blink.
‘Nope, not happening.’
Carol willed herself to have some self-control and not give in to the gnawing ache inside of her chest.
Unsure as to how much time passed, Carol huffed.
‘Fuck it.’
She walked over to the landline, grabbed the phone and dialled zero.
It rang, and rang, and rang, then -
‘…Hi Carol.’
Her.
Every thought, every feeling, every emotion Carol had ever felt suddenly left her and she froze at the sound of Zosia’s voice on the other end of the phone. It had barely been a month and yet she had missed that sound more than she cared to admit.
‘Carol?’
But what was she going to say? What could she say? She was still fundamentally angry and hurt and betrayed by what had happened and yet she wanted to just beg her to come back again and forget everything.
‘Are you there? Is everything okay?’
The concern in her voice brought her back to the present and before she could stutter out a response she realised she had hung up the phone.
Surprisingly, Carol felt tears rush to her eyes.
She downed her drink and put the phone back on the receiver. That was enough for tonight.
—————
‘Entender?’
Carol frowned, she thought she entendered, but then again Manousos talked fast and she still didn’t understand a ton of Spanish.
Manousos groaned.
‘Focus, Carol.’
And she needed to. And she really was trying, but after the phone call the other night, Carol’s been antsy. Just hearing her voice was enough to stir up all of the feelings Carol had been trying to bottle.
‘No, no I get it. I do. But do you think we can call it a night? I’ve got a - a - dolor en mi cabeza?’
Carol hoped she’d remembered that right. It had come up a lot those first few days.
‘I just want to go home and rest.’
Manousos nodded slowly.
‘Sure. We try again tomorrow. But you must eat when you go home. And take medicine for your head.’
‘Yes, dad, I can take care of myself.’
‘Lo creeré cuando lo vea.’
Carol couldn’t quite put that together but was sure there was an insult in there somewhere.
‘Gracias.’ She said as she stood up and made her way to the front door.
‘Carol,’ Manousos called after her, ‘feel better.’
Ha, she thought. Fat chance of that. Carol wasn’t sure what was making her head hurt more, trying to keep up with his fast brain or the nagging feeling of her emotions pressing behind her eyes.
She got home and heated up some soup, planning to sit in front of Golden Girls and slurp away her troubles.
It was after the 6th episode that Carol found that feeling returning.
She couldn’t help it. She missed her voice. She missed her laugh. Her presence in the house. And she knows that Zosia can’t help it. She’s them, no matter how much she wishes that weren’t true.
She’s reaching for the phone before she even realises she’s doing it.
She picks up after two rings.
‘Carol.’
And there it is. Carol thinks that that voice would be enough to pull her out of a coma. God, who had she become?
‘You’re not going to hang up on me again this time, are you?’ Zosia playfully joked.
Carol noted the use of me and something inside her twinged.
‘Uh - no, no. I’m not.’
‘Hi.’
Carol swallowed. ‘Hi, hey.’
‘Is there something you need? You only have to ask and we will have it delivered.’
I need you to be you and I need you to be here, Carol thought to herself.
‘Um, no I don’t need anything I was just calling to ask, um, how - how have you been?’
Jesus, Carol thought, I sound like a teenager.
‘We- I’ve been fine, Carol, thank you for asking. How are you doing? Is Manousos still with you?’
‘Yeah he’s uh, he’s still in the area. And I’m fine too, thanks for asking.’
An awkward silence fell between them.
‘Carol, I -‘
‘Zosia listen -‘
They both laughed, Carol had almost forgotten what that sounded like.
‘Sorry, you go, you go first.’
She heard Zosia breathe in softly, and god if that wasn’t familiar to Carol for a whole host of reasons.
‘I miss you.’
Fuck. This is exactly what Carol was afraid of. Hearing Zosia again, her using ‘I’, her telling Carol she missed her. It’s exactly what she wanted to hear and exactly what she was dreading. Her heart squeezed and she dug her fingernails into her palms.
‘Carol? Did we say something wrong?’
‘No - uh, no. I…I miss you too.’
‘We’ve been thinking. It’s been almost a month and things seem to have calmed down. We can come back, if you’d like.’
Come back? Of course Carol wanted nothing more in this moment than for Zosia to be back with her, watching TV with her, telling her some random fact before she leaned in and kissed her, telling her to ‘shut up’. But did she really think she’d forgotten about the ski chalet? About the eggs, the conversation they’d had? A small wave of anger washed over her.
‘Do you really think I’m that easy?’
‘Carol, we don’t understand, we - I thought you’d be happy if I came back.’ Zosia sounded genuinely confused.
‘Do you think I’ve forgotten our trip? That you’re using my eggs to get me to be one of you? How can I trust you again?’
‘Carol, you have to understand, we want you to be happy, we want you to feel what it’s like to know contentment like you’ve never felt before.’
Carol huffed out an unbelieving laugh.
‘You know what’d make me happy? Bring the old Zosia back. The Zosia before she told me she was betraying me behind my back.’
And with that, Carol hung up.
Her chest was rising and falling like she’d run a marathon.
God, what was that. Carol didn’t even mean it, she didn’t want Zosia if it meant that she’d still be lying to her. She didn’t know what she wanted. She just missed her and wanted her back. Not that she’d ever ask.
Now that headache was definitely worse than before. She dragged herself upstairs, took two Advil and tried to sleep.
Even that she failed at.
—————
It’d been two days since the last call and Carol was starting to feel guilty for how she spoke to Zosia at the end of their conversation. Ironic, right? She was the one feeling guilty, even though Zosia - they - were trying to turn Carol into one of them. God, this was a mindfuck.
Still, she wanted to apologise, for whatever it was worth.
This time, it rang four times before she picked up.
‘Hi. Please don’t hang up. I’m sorry. About the other day. I didn’t mean to lash out, I mean - I kind of did but not at you, at them. Even though you are them. But it’s not you specifically I’m mad at. Well, it kind of is but not really and -‘
‘Carol.’
‘Yeah?’
‘You’re rambling.’
Carol laughed sheepishly and felt a tiny weight lift from her.
‘Sorry, ha, have a habit of uh, doing that.’
‘You say that as if I don’t know.’
Carol cringed. Why did this have to be so complicated.
‘And besides, we wanted to apologise. We know that you don’t want to be changed and that talking about it upsets you, but we can’t help it. It’s our-‘
‘Biological imperative, yep got it.’
‘Why don’t we talk about something else?’ She suggested.
That made Carol raise an eyebrow.’
‘Uh, sure. Such as?’
‘I’ve been dying to know, how is Wycaro going?’
In all the drama of saving the world, Carol had completely forgotten she’d written that first chapter.
‘Yeah it’s, yep it’s going. I’ve been a bit busy with you know, stuff, but I think I’m getting somewhere.’
Zosia hummed.
‘Well, we - I, can’t wait to read it.’
Silence.
‘If you’d let me, of course.’
Carol couldn’t help but give in to her soft tone.
‘Yes, sure. You can read some more, once I’ve you know, brushed it off.’
‘Great, looking forward to it.’
They spoke for a little longer, about nothing really, just both wanting to hear the others’ voice - at least Carol felt that way, she hoped it was the same for Zosia.
When she put the phone down, Carol smiled. Maybe, just maybe, they’d save the world and put all this right after all.
—————
The phone calls became more frequent after that. From once every other night to every night, to some spur of the moment calls when Carol thought of something she wanted Zosia to hear.
Tonight, it was Zosia that called.
‘Hey, Zosia?’
‘Hi, Carol. It’s me.’
Carol hummed. She’d just got in bed but had brought the phone up just in case.
‘Hey, everything okay?’
‘Yes, everything’s fine. There’s going to be a meteor shower tonight. I was thinking of our visit to the observatory. Thought you might like to see it.’
Over the last few calls, their conversation had become more comfortable, more familiar. Almost as if nothing had happened and they were still the way they were before.
‘Oh really? I didn’t know one was meant to happen.’
‘Yes. If you look from your balcony, you should be able to see it soon.’
Carol got out of bed and put on a cardigan. She pushed her feet into her slippers and made her way through the dark house to the balcony.
She wondered if Zosia could see the shower from wherever she was.
‘Hey, Zosia?’
‘Yes, Carol?’
‘Can you seem them?’
There was a pause and Carol wondered if they’d lost connection since she’d come outside.
‘Yes, I can see them.’
Carol hummed. So she wasn’t that far away. The thought was oddly comforting.
Above her, the rocks started to fall, streaking across the sky.
‘Wow.’ She breathed out.
‘Isn’t it beautiful? Did you know, meteor showers are named for the constellation from where they appear to originate?’
Carol would be lying if she said she didn’t secretly love Zosia’s fun facts.
‘I did not know that.’ She said into the phone. ‘So, what’s this one called? Big Bear?’
Zosia laughed softly.
‘This particular meteor shower is known as Lyrids - one of the oldest observed. The name comes from the star closest by, Lyra.’
‘Who was Lyra?’
Zosia chuckled. ‘No, Lyra is not a person, it is because the constellation is in the shape of a harp. It was named after the lyre that was once owned by Orpheus.’
‘You’ll have to forgive my lack of knowledge here, who’s Orpheus?’
Carol stared out into the night, noting how they had turned all of the city lights off so that she could see better. Manousos must be asleep by now, she thought. It was just her, and the sound of Zosia through the phone. Her train of thought broke when she continued to speak.
‘Orpheus was a musician and poet, from Greek mythology. They say his music could soothe any malaise or bring happiness to any soul. He fell in love with a nymph named Eurydice. They soon wed, but not long after, Eurydice was walking in a meadow and was bitten by a viper, dying instantly.’
‘Jesus, this is depressing.’
‘Would you like me to stop?’
Carol, now curious, shook her head.
‘No no, I want to know what happens. Continue, please.’
‘Orpheus couldn’t bear the loss of Eurydice and decided to journey to the Underworld, pleading Hades to bring his back his beloved. Hades agreed to release Eurydice on one condition: Orpheus must walk in front of Eurydice on their journey out and not turn back to look at her until they are both completely in the sunlight.’
Zosia paused and Carol wondered if she should say something, but she quickly resumed.
‘They were almost in the clear, out of the Underworld and back on Earth, but doubt quickly filled Orpheus’ mind. Some say it was desperation, his need to see Eurydice again. Either way, he turned to look back before she had reached sunlight, and her shade vanished from in front of his eyes, Eurydice being taken back to the Underworld forever.’
Carol’s heart ached. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have the love of your life ripped from you like that, right in front of your eyes. But then she blanched. Yes she could. It had happened.
She felt tears race to the edge of her eyelids.
‘There are many versions of how the tale goes, but it is said that Orpheus was so heartbroken, he turned away the attention of any women. He was torn apart by the frenzied Maenads and his head was washed ashore, said to continue singing. Upon his death, one version of the story claims that Zeus sent an eagle down to Earth to retrieve his lyre, before placing it in the sky, forming Lyra.’
The warm night air rippled over Carol as she stood there, unable to speak.
‘Carol? Are you there?’
‘Yes - yeah, I’m uh I’m here.’
Zosia could tell her voice had changed.
‘You’re crying. Did I upset you?’
Carol laughed softly, she hadn’t upset her. She just made her realise how much she really missed her. Missed having someone to hold, to share the evening with. She missed Helen. She missed Zosia. God. Why is everything so hard and when did everything get so fucked?
‘No, you didn’t. That was a beautiful story.’
‘It is. The love of Orpheus and Eurydice is one of the most tragic love stories told.’
Just then, Carol saw a light come on outside the house Manousos was staying in. He looked up towards her house, noticing her on the balcony and waving her down.
‘Hey, uh Zosia? I’ve, I’ve got to go, sorry.’
‘We’re sorry if we upset you Carol, really, it wasn’t the intention.’
‘No, you didn’t, really. And thank you. For this evening, the shower and - and the story. It really was beautiful.’
‘You’re welcome, Carol.’
Manousos was still waving and she threw her hands towards him, I’m coming.
‘I miss you.’
God. God.
‘I miss you too, Carol.’
‘Goodnight, Zosia.’ Carol spoke softly.
‘Goodnight, Carol. Sweet dreams.’
And with that, she reluctantly hung up, her heat feeling heavy.
She quickly rubbed at her eyes and cheeks and made her way back inside, before going out to meet Manousos.
‘Hey, are you okay? It’s like, what, 1am?’
‘I think, I think I have done it.’
Carol frowned, still caught up in five minutes ago.
‘Done what?’
‘Descubrí cómo revertirlo.’
Carol needed him to remember that it was 1am and her brain was not in Spanish mode.
‘Yeah okay, I’m gonna need you to say it in English.’
‘How to reverse. I know.’
That slapped Carol in the face like a cold bucket of water.
‘You did it? How?’
Manousos started reeling off information about radio signals and blocking them and isolating frequencies.
‘Okay, okay. This is great. Oh my god. Right. So, how do we test it?’
‘La chica.’
‘La - la chica? Who is la chica?’
‘Zosia.’
Carol swallowed. Of course. Quieres salvar el mundo o recuperar a tu chica?
What if it didn’t work? Could she handle seeing Zosia only to have her taken from her again? What if it did work? Would she even remember Carol? What if she hated her? What if everything that had happened between them was just a memory for her? What if she did remember Carol but hated her? She’s not sure she could take it.
But then again, Carol thought, Zosia deserved to have her life back, whether that meant Carol was in it or not. She deserved autonomy. That little girl deserved to have her favourite ice cream and see the ships come into shore and feel genuine, authentic, personal happiness from it. She deserved choice. And Carol wanted to give her that.
‘Entonces, ¿qué será?’
She turned towards Manousos and swallowed.
‘Esta noche, salvamos a la chica.’
Tonight, we save the girl.