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the shrine smells like old incensed and rain-soaked wood. the statue of buddha raised above him on a pedestal. It was almost like he was looking down at toritsuka in quiet judgement.
the light drops of rain poured onto the roof of the temple, enough to fill in the silence between toritsuka and the statue.
toritsuka’s hands press against each other with more force, a little harder.
forgiveness, he thinks, or maybe permission.
he kneeled longer than he should, as his head inched lower toward the cold oak floorboards. this was a penance, something that needed to be wiped away.
the presence of another could be felt before it was seen by the medium.
a familiar scent, the root of the cause that he was trying to erase from his mind.
saiki didn’t announce his entry, he never does. saiki kept a distance between the two of them, standing silently behind toritsuka.
prayers, rituals, statues, none of it was able to keep toritsuka’s attention. instead, his focus shifted over toward saiki.
“...saiki?” toritsuka’s voice sounded steadier than he was. since saiki is capable of teleportation, telepathy or any other crazy ability in the book, it started to faze toritsuka less.
your thoughts are louder than usual, that’s all.
saiki’s gaze flicked down and noticed toritsuka was wearing double the amount of prayer beads than before.
you look silly in that,
the prayer beads continuously clinked against each other just by any movement in the slightest
“thanks for the comment,” he fidgeted with a couple of beads around his wrist, rolling his eyes at saiki.
but toritsuka’s face laced with slight irritation dropped almost immediately after, it was back to looking gloomy, so upset
saiki studied his face, it was sort of unnerving. the glowing candles slowly died down, one by one.
what’s all of this even for?
the entire place inside the temple was eerie. it’s almost like it had become more cluttered than before, this specific room has gotten more messy since the last time saiki visited.
“...im really trying to stop this.” toritsuka let go of the beads on his wrists,
stop what?
saiki asked, already knowing. that was the cruelest part about this.
“wanting you,” the words came out of his mouth before he could even soften them
the old floorboards creaked beneath toritsuka’s knees, his hands resting against his lap.
“nobody taught me anything about this,” he paused, taking a glimpse of the buddha statue sitting before him, a little longer than he anticipated.
“about wanting somebody you aren’t supposed to, and then trying to pray it away and it just… doesn’t.”
saiki looked blank, though a trace of disappointment could be found, somewhere.
you can stop talking to me if it really bothers you this much.
toritsuka snapped, “that’s the problem, i don’t want to.” his palms slammed against the wooden floor, while the words rushed out of his mouth.
…
“i feel… maybe if i endure it enough, it would balance out.”
saiki hated hearing what toritsuka was led to believe, to hear such lies and yet be gullible enough to believe it.
there is no god monitoring your “sins”, so quit talking like that
“that’s easy for you to say.” toritsuka’s eyes sharpened, but something within was telling him to trust what saiki says instead of biting back.
toritsuka’s palms on the floorboard pushed him back up on his two feet, coming to eye level with saiki himself.
everything inside kept telling him to push away, to leave now, but he instead let himself get lost in his eyes, like he didn’t care if he would turn to stone or not.
the idea of two of the same gender loving the other didn’t make sense to anybody at all. the monks, and society as a whole were against it.
he was told that it was wrong, but then why did it feel so right?
it was cold silence between the two, the light continuously tapped onto the windows. saiki interrupted the train of thoughts inside of toritsuka’s head,
toritsuka, you can’t hate yourself for something you didn't choose
saiki’s words cut a little deeper than it was intended to, but there’s no point in sugarcoating it. if this helps toritsuka see past all of the shame he had silently sat in, then so be it.
toritsuka’s words came out ugly, a little desperate and soaked in shame. “but i feel so— filthy—”
he stopped himself before anything else could be said, like something was preventing him from saying so.
saiki stood still, slightly stunned by what came out of toritsuka's mouth
filthy?
toritsuka gathered a little courage to look into saiki’s eyes once more. “and the worst part is, i’m so bad at hiding it.”
he sucked in air through his teeth, then letting out a shaky exhale, “you probably already know, don’t you?”
saiki’s eyebrows narrowed slightly, he felt called out. but toritsuka wasn’t wrong, saiki knew that toritsuka liked him due to his telepathy.
saiki's silence was enough confirmation. he knew, but why didn't he say anything then? toritsuka's thoughts grew more curious, slightly more hateful toward himself,
about the teachings that toritsuka was told by the monks was completely at odds with his own feelings.
it was new, and so different
toritsuka’s throat tightened. “what am i supposed to do?”
saiki considers him, really considers him.
he looks over at the shrine, where toritsuka was previously begging to. he can’t understand why toritsuka felt so guilty, so dirty, but he had seen enough to know.
I don’t think you’re filthy.
saiki carefully took the prayer beads off of toritsuka’s wrists telekinetically, letting his wrists be able to breathe without a coat of weight reminding him of his dirty feelings
the beads carefully hit the floor. saiki closed the distance between him and toritsuka.
then finally, carefully removing the prayer beads around toritsuka’s neck with his own hands this time.
his hands brushed against saiki’s bare collarbones, causing toritsuka to breathe out a soft, inaudible gasp.
“isn’t this awkward for you…?” toritsuka took the prayer beads out of saiki’s hands, just another desperate excuse to feel his hands once more
“I mean, i like you, and you know that.”
saiki stole hesitant glances at toritsuka before looking away, admitting something that even for him was a first.
…I don’t mind that you do.