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Amanda's Apology

Summary:

Amanda Grayson apologizes to her son Spock for striking him and saying hurtful things to him.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

After the Babel conference and Coridan’s successful admittance into the Federation, the Enterprise was preparing to take all the delegates it had escorted back to their own planets and starships. Spock was in his quarters alone when he heard a chime at the door.

“Come,” he called.

In walked Spock’s mother, Amanda Grayson.

“Mother?” Spock prompted.

Amanda walked in and the door closed behind her. “Spock, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything I said to you and especially for hitting you. That was uncalled for.”

“I agree,” said Spock.

“I didn’t mean it when I said that I’d hate you for the rest of my life,” Amanda continued. “Our family is particularly aware of the sacrifice of the few or the one being enacted in order to save the many.”

Spock realized that his mother was indicating their lost adoptive family member, Michael Burnham.

Noticing Spock’s expression, his mother nodded. “I’m relieved that she and her crew made it safely and that the galaxy was preserved, but I’ll always wish it didn’t have to end with her being separated from us.”

“She and her crewmates deduced that it was the only way,” Spock reminded her.

“But I wish it hadn’t been. I know wishful thinking isn’t logical, but even Vulcan mothers are always going to want the best for their children no matter what,” said Amanda.

“In the case of my father’s recovery, it is most agreeable that the ship was able to be saved and that I was able to become a blood donor for him,” Spock commented.

“Sometimes things work out that way,” Amanda replied. “I just hadn’t imagined that it would. After losing M—her, and after your brother cut contact, the thought of losing Sarek – or you for that matter – was just too much for me. I know we aren’t exactly the most usual family, but all I ever wanted was for all of us to be together peacefully.”

“Which is why you were also displeased about my father and I not being on speaking terms,” Spock added.

“That’s right,” Amanda confirmed. “On Vulcan, I’ve learned to hide my emotions. Same when I travel with Sarek so that he will not be judged for having an emotional human wife. But then, behind closed doors…”

“All that you’ve kept inside can come out unexpectedly,” Spock finished.

“And that’s what happened when I yelled at you and hit you.” Amanda still looked ashamed. “I just hope that kind of thing never happens with you, Spock. Maybe it’s somewhat easier for you with your Vulcan half.”

“Speaking of which, Mother, there is a sentiment which I have gone my entire life without expressing and I regret that it took me as long as it did to realize it.” Spock made sure he was looking directly into his mother’s eyes. “I love you, Mother.”

Amanda smiled. “You know I love you too, Spock. And I always will, no matter what. I figured you had your own reasons for not telling me before, just like I didn’t show emotion in front of you as a child so as not to confuse you. I regret that, too.”

“As you said, our family’s dynamic is most irregular,” Spock concurred.

“Did you ever tell her what you just told me, before she left?”

“I did, and she returned the words. It was the last that we ever said to one another.”

“That’s good, though I think you both would have known it either way,” said Amanda.

“Mother, were you... relieved when I was unable to follow her?”

Amanda thought for a moment. “Admittedly, I did prefer not having to lose you both at once,” Amanda confessed. “I’m glad Sarek and I got to say goodbye to her and that you and her said goodbye to each other, but were you planning to say goodbye to us?”

“My intent was to leave a message for you before we departed,” Spock answered.

“Were you going to address your father in that message?”

“I would have simply told him that I had found my place despite his expectations for me,” Spock stated.

“And I’m glad you have,” Amanda agreed. “Sarek should have told us all the truth about the Vulcan Expeditionary Group, or let the two of you choose which of you would join instead of him choosing for you. Your father and I never would have had you, or adopted her, if we had any doubt that the ideals of the Federation and of infinite diversity in infinite combinations would allow you both to be accepted as you were.”

“She found her people, time and again, as I have found mine,” said Spock.

“I just want you to know that you still have a home with us if you should ever choose to visit,” Amanda reminded him. “I always knew that the rift between you and your father was something that the two of you needed to work out on your own and not for me to intervene in. I hope that these recent events might be a step towards reconnection for you two.”

“Time will tell if and when it is logical for Sarek and I to fully reconcile,” said Spock.

“I can accept that,” said Amanda. “It’s also up to you whether to accept my apology.”

“I do not begrudge you mother, not only because it would be illogical, but because I am well aware that the pressures of being an ambassador’s wife must have an affect on your state of mind during stressful circumstances.”

“It’s no excuse for what I did, though,” Amanda acknowledged.

“We have all made mistakes in our lives, Mother,” Spock elaborated. “Choosing to follow logic and to not fall under the influence of one’s emotions is a decision we must constantly make. We are all imperfect, and so we will all falter at times. When we do so, we simply admit our faults, learn from them, and move on.”

“I’ll take that as an ‘I forgive you.’”

“I believe that is what I said, Mother.”

Amanda held out her arms in invitation of a genuine mother-son hug, and Spock obliged.

Notes:

Knowing what we now know about what happened with Michael in Discovery, I think it really puts Amanda's actions during this episode into context.