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Everything feels different. Except that... Nothing changes at all.
The best part of dating your best friend is that since you already know every single thing about each other, the small stuff you end up discovering are a hundred times more special. Like for example, two weeks ago Chris had no idea that Darren shivers everytime he is kissed at that spot under his ear. Or that he kisses harder and more desperately when Chris bites at his bottom lip; or that he touches even more when they’re making out – even allows his hands to peek at some bare skin a couple of times.
But his favorite part – and it is one of the few things that really do change – is the way Darren smiles at him now. Of all those smiles (that Chris knows all too well), the one Darren has for him since they shared their second first kiss is one Chris has never seen before. It’s just so- open and honest and heartfelt.
It makes him want to look at his boyfriend forever.
Their sleepovers change, too. They have always cuddled, but it was always, um. Friendly cuddling. The kind of cuddling that happens now, though, is totally different. Because now Chris is allowed to press himself against Darren’s back and tangle their legs together and just lose himself in the warmth and familiarity without having to hold anything back. It’s not platonic anymore – Darren actually wants it, too. Wants to be with him just as badly.
The thought makes his heart stutter.
On Sunday, Chris had come over and they baked cookies and talked about everything and nothing. They sang together – making fools out of themselves more than once – and even had a small picnic at Darren’s garden. It was– perfect. Darren had been pliant once the afternoon was over, asking Chris to stay the night and attempting to convince him with low whispers and wet kisses, murmuring sweet nothings and giggling against Chris’s mouth every now and then.
(Not that Chris wouldn’t have stayed even without hot whispers and slow kisses. It was just a really, really nice bonus.)
“Chris,” Darren nudges gently at his arm, kisses the side of his neck. “Chris.”
“Hmpf,” he mumbles, hides his face under the pillow. “I’m sleeping.”
“No, come on, you know I hate doing this...” Just a whisper, Darren’s hot breath against his cheek. Another kiss. “We’re gonna be late for school.”
“Can’t we skip it?”
Darren chuckles and throws an arm over Chris’s stomach. “Baby, come on.”
It’s the endearment that does it. Chris turns around to face him – his tired eyes and gentle smile, a single curl falling over one eye.
He reaches up to fix it, murmurs a sleepy “’morning,” eyelids dropping.
Darren’s nose scruches up adorably as he giggles and moves closer to rub their noses together. “God, you’re adorable. And ridiculous. And you look really cute right now so please don’t make me force you to get up...”
It’s like Darren knows exactly what to say to make Chris’s face turn bright scarlet. He blushes – duh – and moves his hand down Darren’s arm until he finds his fingers, intertwining them with his own. Darren leans in and presses a close-mouthed, lingering kiss to Chris’s lips, but when he tries to deepen it, Chris laughs a little and shakes his head.
“Morning breath,” he explains, a hand covering his mouth.
But Darren just cups the back of his neck, blinks tiredly down at him. “Don’t care,” he murmurs and kisses Chris again. This time, Chris kisses back.
It should be disgusting, but it isn’t at all. Their lips slide perfectly together, slow and just a bit dirty, a moan escaping Chris’s throat when Darren’s fingers press against his hip. His own fingers disappear on the mattress and he has to break the kiss to breathe carefully in. For the sake of his sanity. (And his pants.)
He closes his eyes. “Class. We have class.”
“Right. Yeah.” Darren answers weakily. “Ugh, no, I changed my mind. Let’s stay here forever.”
Chris’s glare softens and his heart beats just a tiny bit faster. He chuckles and squeezes Darren’s hand. “Come on, go get changed.”
*
They arrive at school on time, but get late anyway because apparently, making out at the backseat of Darren’s car is more important than going to class. Chris is not even angry; the small gasps and groans Darren lets out are way too hot for him to care about school.
He pulls back just enough to talk, their lips still brushing. “Mhm, God. You’re a distracting asshole who is making me turn into a bad student.”
Darren finds his mouth again, bites softly at his lip. “I’m such a bad influence...” He whispers, voice low and coarse, mouth leaving a wet trail on Chris’s neck.
“We should go.” Chris says, but tilts his head to give Darren more skin.
“They won’t let us in, let’s just...” Another hard kiss, Darren’s tongue sliding hotly in. And Chris– oh, come on, he is a teenage boy. He has urges, okay? And right now his urge is to kiss his boyfriend so that is exactly what he does.
He presses down until they’re both lying and kisses Darren again.
That’s how they stay for a few good minutes, until something snaps on Chris’s brain and he breaks the kiss. He holds Darren’s wrist to look at his watch.
“We’re twenty minutes late, and I have a fucking test today, Jesus-”
“You have a test?” Darren’s eyes widen almost comically. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I forgot! And it’s your fault, you and your kisses...”
Darren’s gaze softens instantly. He runs a thumb over Chris’s cheek and leans in, grinning whispering against his lips, “I love your kisses.”
Chris blushes. His heart melts.
He doesn’t say anything back – just kisses Darren one last time before grabbing his bag and getting out of the car.
*
During lunch, they sit with Alice and Liza (sans the boyfriends) and everything is pretty much normal. Well, except that their fingers are locked together under the table, feet touching, matching smiles on their faces – which didn’t use to be normal not long ago.
When Darren excuses himself to go get some water, – kissing Chris’s cheek before he goes – Alice makes a gagging noise.
“You two make me sick.”
Chris shrugs, ignores her.
“So,” Liza says carefully, voice curious. “You were late today.”
His face turns red in less than a second. “Oh my God.”
“What?!” Alice almost yells, mouth opening.
Liza holds her arm and motions for her to shut up. “I saw you arriving on Darren’s car because I happened to be late, too. Come on, spill it!”
“There’s nothing to spill!” Chris hides his face behind both hands, but peeks between two fingers. “I hate you both.”
“If you don’t tell us exactly why you two arrived together and late, I will start assuming and-”
“Jesus,” Chris sighs, defeated. “I stayed the night at his place, alright? And I w-”
“Oh my God. You slept together!” Liza interrupts, making Chris jump.
“Just slept! God, why the sudden and completely inappropriate interest in my life?”
Alice points a finger at him. “Okay, first, we were always interested in your life because we fucking care about you, Chris. And come on, don’t tell me you’re not over the moon right now.” She smirks, one eyebrow lifting. “Let us be excited for you, too.”
Chris smiles at her, can’t help the warm feeling blooming up his chest.
He’s about to answer his friend when a familiar head of dark black hair suprisingly appears right next to him, occupying the place Darren was in.
He freezes for a moment – the whole table does, – but turns to face the girl.
“Hey, Chris,” Darren’s ex, Katherine, stares right at him, her huge blue eyes even bigger with the eyeliner she’s put on today. She looks... Pretty. “How are you?”
“Hi.” He hopes his smile doesn’t look as fake as it feels. “I’m really great, actually. How are you?”
He’s afraid of the answer, but she just shrugs and makes a face. “Chris, I need your help.”
“Oh?” He looks at Alice, eyes begging for help. She mouths a “what the fuck” and when Katherine looks at her, she looks down at her plate.
“Yeah, I- I mean, I know we were never, like, friends or anything, but... You know I like Darren, right? And you two are really close, so I thought...”
“Listen here, you little-” Alice begins, her perfectly manicured finger already pointing at Katherine – but is interrupted when Darren reappears and throws himself next to Chris, setting an arm around his waist and pulling him closer.
“Man, the damn line was huge so I decided to get a soda instead but that stupid machine is so fucked, like, it totally tried to rob me, Chris-” He stops when he catches sight of the girl, bright smile disappearing in two seconds. “Oh. Hi, Katherine.”
She’s looking at where Darren has a hand firmly placed on Chris’s side and her eyes manage to get even bigger. Her face– it turns pale, like she has just seen a ghost. Chris swears he can see tears welling up there, so he looks at Darren instead at her.
“Oh- okay. Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t– I think I’ll just...”
And she leaves, arms crossed, not looking back once.
Chris watches as she walks away. The sight breaks his heart.
“Fuck.” Darren runs a hand down his hair. “That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Yeah.” Chris pinches the tip of his nose. “It really wasn’t.”
*
Before Darren drops him home, Chris waits for him to turn off the ignition and looks right at him.
“We can’t do it again.”
“You mean–”
“Katherine, yes. Did you see her face?” Chris breathes in, closes his eyes. “We can’t act like that in front of her again.”
“Chris–”
“I know she’s a bitch but Darren, she’s still a person and she clearly has feelings for you and-”
“Hey, hey,” Darren undoes his seatbelt and turns, both hands grabbing Chris’s shaking ones. “It’s okay. God, you’re such a good person, you know that?”
“I just...”
“Ok, if I’m being honest, I hate the idea of having to act differently with you in front of her. But if it makes you feel better... It’s okay.” Darren grins, small and reassuring. “Really. If that’s what you want, I’m fine with it.”
“Thank you.” Chris squeezes his hand. “It’s just- Darren, she looked so sad.”
“And if I know you well, it broke your heart. Because you can’t stand seeing people sad.”
Chris looks down at their hands, cheeks reddening. “Shut up.”
“Uh-uh,” Darren puts two fingers on Chris’s chin and makes him look up to meet his eyes. “Do I at least get a goodbye kiss?”
Chris bites his lip, flustered. “Of course,” he whispers as Darren leans in, pressing a firm, sweet kiss against his lips.
*
After they talk, Chris honestly thinks everything is going to be okay.
He isn’t expecting Katherine to happen, though.
It comes so out of nowhere that Chris actually has to take a step back when she approaches, long hair perfectly curled and jumping up and down as she jogs towards his direction.
“Chris, hey!” She says animatedly, reaching for his arm. Weird.
Chris is sure he looks incredibly confused, but looks down at her and tries to look unsurprised. “Katherine, hi. How are you?”
Her mouth opens around a word she doesn’t say. “I’m–”
“Not that good, I kn–” Chris pinches the tip of his nose, looks down at his feet. “Look, Kat–”
“This is really awkward.”
“Oh God, I know.”
“Just– Jesus. I like you, okay? You’re really nice, Chris, but honestly. Do you really think this is going to last?”
He takes a step back, the words cutting like a sharp knife against his skin. “Ex- excuse me?”
“I’m not trying to be mean but- it’s frustrating, okay? Because you’re the only one who can’t see it. It’s ridiculous, really, considering you and Darren know each other since, well. Always.” She pauses, runs a hand over her hair. “But this is just a phase, Chris.”
“I d-”
“How long do you think it’s gonna take until he gets tired of it? Until he starts missing girls and until he starts missing me?”
Chris’s knees feel weak. His lips quiver and he feels his eyes well up with tears. He hates the way he feels so broken – and he wants to run, to get out of there, away from her and away from those horrible words.
“You’re wrong.” He says weakily, feeling small and powerless.
Katherine has the decency to look sympathetic. “You know I’m not.”
And he does. Which is why he just turns and walks, not saying anything, with absolutely no idea where he’s going.
*
Chris ends up in the bathroom.
He should probably be heading to writer’s club, but instead he sits in one of the stalls and lets the tears fall.
Because– Katherine was right. Maybe Darren doesn’t know it yet, but what if it really is just a phase? What happens when he realizes Chris isn’t what he wants? What happens when he starts getting tired of him and starts missing her?
The thought stings. It’s a kind of hurt Chris has never felt before, so he allows himself to cry as he tries to breathe in more properly.
His cellphone vibrates on his pocket and he jumps a little before opening the new text.
(4:37)
Are we still up for dinner tonight?
(4:37)
I missed you today.
Chris cogitates not answering, but decides against it.
(4:39)
Yes, we are.
(4:40)
And I missed you, too.
(4:40)
Where are you, anyway? No writer’s club? You wouldn’t be answeringif you were there.
Truth is, Chris would answer him even if he was having tea with the fucking queen. But he doesn’t tell Darren that – because he is hurt, his eyes are still heavy with the tears insisting to fall, and he is not sure he would say it even if the circumstances were different.
(4:41)
Bathroom.
He presses the send button and closes his eyes, his still shaking fingers coming up to shed at the tears. He pockets his phone and steps out of the bathroom stall, his puffy eyes and red nose reflected right at him by one of the old mirrors there.
He washes his face, hopes it helps at least a little, and starts walking towards the garage.
All he wants is to just arrive home, take a hell of a good shower and just sleep. But then he told Darren they would have dinner tonight–
His head hurts like a motherfucker as he trips over something, someone, and suddenly there are two arms holding both of his elbows and stopping him from falling down.
Of course it’s Darren.
“Hey, watch out,” Darren says softly, his hands sliding up Chris’s arms to hold him into a warm hug. Chris hugs back – maybe too strongly, with a bit of desperation that wasn’t ever there before. Darren presses a sweet kiss against his temple. “Hm, you smell good. Missed you.”
Afraid Darren realizes he’s been crying, Chris lets go and looks down; he doesn’t say anything – his voice would give him away, so he stays quiet.
But Darren notices, anyway. “Chris, what’s wrong?” A comforting hand cups his cheek, makes him look up. “Have you been crying?”
He shakes his head, eyes widening. Darren runs a thumb under his right eye.
“Don’t lie to me,” he whispers. Chris leans into his touch. “I’ll take you home, ok? We can talk there.”
He doesn’t want to talk about it. Not now, not when everything is still so good and new between them.
But he lets Darren guide him, anyway.
*
Darren doesn’t bring him home because they both have their cars. Instead, they drive separately, and Chris sighs with relief when he notices there’s no one home.
They’re up at his room when Darren takes his hand and pulls him towards the bed. They both lie down, facing each other, Darren’s grin so comforting that Chris feels- incredibly safe, there.
“Are you going to tell me why you still have red eyes and a swollen nose?” Darren holds him by the waist, pulls him closer and joins their foreheads together.
Chris shakes his head, one hand flying to the back of Darren’s neck to pull him into a kiss. “Just drop it.”
Darren closes his eyes. Chris can feel him breathe carefully in. “Talk to me, Chris. Please.”
“It’s- it’s nothing, really. Just...”
“It was Katherine, wasn’t it? Just- no matter what she said-”
Chris opens his eyes. “How do you know that?”
“Shit. What did she say to you?”
“I...” He swallows, throat feeling dry. “Just. Darren, what is this?” He makes a vague hand gesture between them.
“What?”
“I mean. You... I.” He shakes his head, Darren’s fingers a light pressure against his waist. “It all just came so out of nowhere. I had feelings for you for years, and you just.”
“Chris...”
“What’s gonna happen when you realize I’m not what you want? If you start missing her...”
Darren shakes his head frantically, pulling Chris impossibly closer. “God, Chris. Do you honestly think this is just some experiment?”
“N-no.” He says; broken, afraid. “No,” more firmly. “It’s just...”
“You’re my boyfriend. You are the person I want to be with. Not- not Katherine or anybody else.” Chris feels Darren’s fingers twitching where they rest at the small of his back. “You have to trust me when I tell you that.”
His eyes start getting heavy again. “I- I do.”
“I don’t know what she said to you, but please, please don’t believe her, okay?”
It’s so small, so weak and insecure: “Okay.”
“Come on, baby, look at me.” Darren whispers, nudging at Chris’s cheek with his nose. He obbeys with a small grin, twirling one of Darren’s curls between two fingers.
“I’m looking at you.”
“Are you listening to me, though?”
He giggles, the hurt slowly melting away. “Yes, I am.”
“Good.” Darren pecks him once, their smiling lips meeting sweetly. “Because I need you to listen right now.”
“Mm,” he kisses Darren again. “I’m listening.”
Darren leans in one elbow, looking down at him. His expression turns serious, then – eyes going intense, teeth biting at his bottom lip, his other hand leaving Chris’s waist to touch his cheek. He looks right into his eyes.
“I love you.” He murmurs, eyes big and vulnerable.
And Chris– Chris melts.
“I love you, too.” He cups Darren’s cheek with one hand. “So much.”
Darren leans in for a slow, passionate kiss, and Chris has to focus to remember how to breathe. He pulls away just enough to speak, lips still dangerously close to Chris’s. “I’m in love with you. You, Chris.” Another kiss, small and gentle. “You can’t doubt that.”
Suddenly, everything Katherine said seems completely irrelevante and unimportant – and Chris smiles through their next kiss.
*
They’re still lying down on Darren’s bed, their fingers lacing and unlacing between their too-warm bodies.
“Darren?” He whispers, eyes searching for his.
“Mhm?”
“Do you think we’re getting out of here someday?”
This time, when their fingers intertwine, Darren brings their hands up to his lips and presses a kiss against Chris’s knuckles. “Yeah. I’m sure of it.” Chris grins, watching the way Darren’s eyelids drop sleepily as he talks. “You’re going to do such amazing stuff. Like...” He shifts, coming closer. “Publishers will kill to be the ones to sell your books.”
“Oh, really?” Chris chuckles, amused.
“Yeah. And we’ll live somewhere big. Like L.A. or New York or somewhere in fucking Europe.” Darren smiles, mind clearly travelling far away. “We could live in Italy, Chris.”
They both laugh lowly. “And what would you do?”
“Music. Duh.” Darren rolls his eyes; his nose brushes against Chris’s. “I could either be selling thousands of albums or playing at small cafés to make a living. I wouldn’t care, as long as I was making music and as long as I was with you.”
Chris’s glare softens. He tilts his head for a kiss, heart stuttering on his chest.
Darren can’t just say things like that.
“What about college, though?”
“We’ll still go. Even if we decide to go to different places, we’ll...” Chris can see Darren swallowing heavily. “We’ll figure it out.”
And Chris believes him.