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He screams her name as the pod launches away, slamming on the glass and calling for her over and over. Then, Silence clamps around his throat like the jaws of a hellbeast. Even his breath is trapped in his chest as he watches another bright yellow beam tear through the last chunk of the Normandy, her body propelled into space from the force of the explosion.
For a moment he’s able to suspend logic and reason long enough to think she’ll still make it. He tells himself she’ll be okay, because she’s Commander Fucking Shepard, and she’s ALWAYS okay. She’s faced down Geth and Krogan and a goddamn Reaper, and he will not be the one who got her fucking killed.
For a full moment, he’s able to believe that. But as soon as the moment is over, he’s brought sharply back to reality when something - he’s not sure what, but something - makes her start flailing. As his pod drifts away and he squints to see through the increasing distance, he watches her arms and legs jerk forward and backward, watches her body rotate, and finally releases the final scream from his lungs as he watches her plummet into the atmosphere.
For hours, that’s all he sees. The only image that passes in front of his eyes as the pod crash lands, as the rescue team pulls him from it, as they check his vitals, administer medi-gel, and brace his broken bones,the only image is her final spasmodic movements before turning meteor.
For hours, all he hears is silence broken by memories of his own screams, calling her name over and over, and then his own name.
“Joker!”
He looks up. He’s sitting on a cot in the medical branch of an Alliance outpost. Which one, he’s not sure. How long, he can’t remember. The pain, he doesn’t notice. He attempts to break from Kaidan’s expectant gaze, but looking anywhere else does him no good. If it’s not Kaidan’s face, it’s Chakwas’, or Liara’s, or Garrus’. It seems like everyone is there except the one person who should be.
“Joker, what happened? The Commander said she was going back for you. Did she take a shuttle with you? Where is she?”
He doesn't reply.
“Joker? Joker, answer me!”
“She didn’t make it!” He yells, fists clenching the side of his mattress. He expects a shout, even a whisper of denial, but none comes. The silence is even worse. “She...she got me on the shuttle but there was an explosion, and we got separated, and she...she didn’t...” He shakes his head, dropping his gaze again, hiding his shame behind the brim of his hat.
“Oh, Keelah..” Tali’s wavering voice is the first in a cascade of grief. Gasps, no’s, it-can’t-be’s and other mutterings of disbelief swarmed like locusts around his ears. Tali buries herself in Liara’s embrace, Chakwas covers her mouth, Adams presses his fingers into his eyes, Garrus’ only movements are his flicking mandibles, Wrex lowers his head. Everyone moves, shifts, expels their emotions through word and body, except for Kaidan.
Kaidan doesn’t move at all, not even to break his gaze from Joker’s downturned head. “Are you sure...?” There’s something of a different tone in his voice apart from uncertainty.
“Yes, I’m sure. I saw her...” He can't muster the will to say it out loud.
“You should have just evacuated when you were told!” Kaidan suddenly shouts, his hands curling into fists, urging Joker to look up with a spark of anger in his eyes.
“I was trying to save the Normandy! Where were you? What were you doing?!”
“I was following orders like you should have--!”
“Oh, how convenient that your orders happened to be to turn tail and let Shepard deal with the real danger, as usual.”
Kaidan steps forward and Joker, in the heat of the argument, rises to meet him. Chakwas stepped between them, her words smothered under Kaidan’s shouts. “And you were blatantly disregarding a direct command, as usual!”
“At least I was trying to do something! If I could have -”
“It’s that insubordination that got her killed!”
“Don’t you think I know that?!” A sudden silence falls on the tail of Joker’s yell. He stares at Kaidan, expecting another retort, another shout, another accusation, but there is nothing more to be said. They’d all been thinking it. He could tell by the way they all look at him now, stunned, afraid, but unwilling to contradict him.
Tali, Liara, Adams, and most of the crew just stares. Garrus turns, walking away and exiting the med bay. Only Wrex turns to watch him go. Kaidan’s stance relaxes. Chakwas takes a step towards Joker. “I just thought...if I knew...I didn’t want...” He sinks back onto the bed, burying his face in his hands. A hand, presumably Karin’s, grips his shoulder.
“Jeff,” She says in a soft, maternal voice. “It was your expert maneuvering that saved the rest of us to begi--” Without looking up, Joker pulls away, shrugging her off and shaking his head.
“Except for Pressly. And Waaberi, and Emerson, and god knows who else, and...and Shepard.”
“Joker...I’m sorry, I - “ Kaidan begins, but is shortly cut off by Joker’s sharp gaze.
“Don’t. I know how you really feel, how you all feel. Don’t try to take that back now and pretend it’s not true.”
Suddenly Liara steps forward, tears unabashedly streaming down her cheeks. “Jeff, I understand your grief, but it could have been any one of us that she went back for.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t. It was me.”
“Yes, and you should be honored.” He falters, surprised at her new direction. “We all came to the Normandy for one purpose or another, but Shepard brought us together and has faced all manner of dangers on all of our behalfs. More times than I can count, has she been willing to lay down her life for any one of us, just as we would for her. She sacrificed so that you may live. Do not squander that gift, Jeff. None of us should. Do not let yourself be consumed by your grief. Surely, she saved you for greater reason than that.” Those that were not looking directly at the ground or wiping their eyes were now staring at Liara, moved by her words.
“I...” She stammered, suddenly aware of her affect. “Please, do not mistake my candor for indifference. I...I shall miss her dearly...” Fresh tears spill forward, and she closes her eyes in an attempt to collect herself. “But I choose to honor her sacrifice by remembering what she taught me. And I think, Jeff, that is especially important for you.”
They look at each other for a moment, and his gaze is the first to drop. “Yeah, I...I guess you’re right...” He mutters, only half believing it. Somewhere in his mind, he knows what she says is true. Accepting it, however, is another thing entirely.