Work Text:
"Dad, I'm going to join the Dark Side."
"No son, don't make the same mistakes I did. I destroyed your Great-uncle Luke's Jedi Academy, I killed your Grandpa Han, I nearly killed your Uncle Finn, and I tortured your Uncle Poe. Your mother kicked my ass with what was supposed to be my lightsaber and gave me this nasty scar. I chased her through two sequels, across the galaxy, and she still dragged me kicking and screaming back to the Light Side. And if she hadn't done that, you would never have been born.
"Now sit down and drink your blue milk, we've got moisture to farm. You're not going to Toshi Station with your friends until you reprogram those two droids."
BZZZTT!!!!
"Dammit, Rey! Will you tell this beach ball to quit zapping me?!"