Work Text:
Lan Zhan breaks away from his kiss, hands curling into his shirt, pulling it tight against his chest, his eyes downcast and away from Wei Ying's.
“Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying asks, his voice a soft murmur into the darkness.
Lan Zhan's mind has once again started spiralling.
What if this isn’t good enough for Wei Ying? What if it’s just a one-night thing of soft, deep kisses, even softer bodies pressed together, and a passionate and gentle act of give and take? What if it’s not enough? What if Wei Ying leaves again?
He’s forgotten the number of times he’s dreamed day and night of having Wei Ying like this. Exactly like this.
His colourful laughter, quick hands and even quicker mind; his rough yet always gentle hands; the smile so bright it puts the sun to shame. In all the years Lan Zhan has known and loved him, his best friend has been nothing but kind—a beautiful soul, so full of life in everything he did.
Lan Zhan knows, deep within the very last atom of his being, that even this is something Wei Ying will treat as special—will handle with care. That he will treat Lan Zhan as something precious, just as he always has. From the first time he held Lan Zhan’s hand at thirteen, beneath the soft wash of moonlight on their street, to this very moment, Wei Ying has always handled Lan Zhan with so much love, so much kindness, as if Lan Zhan was the most precious thing he’d ever known.
His mind is still spiralling further and further, his heart feeling like it’s about to crawl up his throat and out of his mouth. He won’t survive it if Wei Ying believes this is worth nothing more than a single night. If he thinks they’ll be able to go back to just being friends, thinks this is something casual—unaware that this is just another piece of longing Lan Zhan has carried with him for all these lonely years. He absolutely won’t survive it if Wei Ying leaves again.
His best friend’s bright smiles and beautiful laughter are so deeply imprinted into his soul, he knows he’ll recognise him anywhere in any lifetime just from that sound alone. Knows that his heart will always skip a beat and his mind will always scream “it’s Wei Ying” in recognition.
From the little dimples in his cheeks when he grins to the little crinkles around his eyes when he’s especially happy and full of joy, free with his laughter, eyes turning into little crescent moons when he smiles. Lan would know him blind.
“Lan Zhan? What’s wrong?” Wei Ying is now reaching out for his face. Lan Zhan hadn’t realized that, lost in his quiet internal crisis, he’d let his hands fall from Wei Ying’s chest and now sat staring at them, helpless, in his lap.
Soft fingers touch his chin, bringing his face upwards and in line with Wei Ying’s. He looks to find his best friend looking back at him with a soft look, worry in his soft grey eyes and eyebrows slightly knitted in concern. Wei ying cups lan Zhan’s face in his warm hands, moving slowly to brush a dark lock of hair that’s fallen in front of his eyes behind his ear, before returning back to cradling him in his palms.
“It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. We don’t have to do anything at all, Lan Zhan. We can just lie down and watch some-“
“No. I...“ Lan Zhan hadn’t realised his silence and sudden resignation had caused Wei Ying to think that he didn’t want this. Didn’t want him. What an absurd thought; There is no universe in existence where Lan Zhan does not want Wei Ying—does not need him as he needs oxygen, as something essential to survival itself.
“I do want. Wei Ying. I want.” And he wants and he wants and he wants. Lan Zhan wants this not just for tonight. He wants to give and to take until all the desire and love he has carried for the man before him finally has somewhere to rest.
He wants to wake tomorrow with Wei Ying in his arms, wants his beautiful laughter and sweet voice in his home—filling the silence and loneliness that have become constant companions, no matter how hard he tries not to think of them.
He wants Wei Ying’s presence here, forever, to fill up the void that’s made a home in his heart and continued to grow over the many years Lan Zhan thought he’d lost him.
He will forever want Wei Ying in every way possible, and he dares to believe that the universe may finally be kind enough to allow Lan Zhan to have him. After a lifetime spent longing and yearning and waiting, Wei Ying may finally get to be his to keep.