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Mayoi always had a hard time being under Tatsumi's gaze.
He was a kind, sweet person, and all such traits translated whenever he’d look at her. He wasn't the type to be shy with his affection. Love, adoration, admiration, it would all pierce her whenever she’d meet his eyes. He was so pure, and she, so filthy. Maybe that was why his stare would sometimes feel like a rain of judgement pouring down upon her. And this time was no different.
“EEE!!! Imsorryimsorry for wearing something so vulgarrr!! Please stop looking at me like that..!”
“Ah?”
The sentence erupted out of Mayoi in her usual shriek. Shaking Tatsumi out of the daze he had been in. A daze that had apparently left him staring intently at Mayoi's cleavage.
“Ah!” Tatsumi immediately turned away, his face red with shame. “Forgive me, Mayoi-san, I didn’t realize where I was looking.”
The pair had been winding down after an afternoon of going through the various shops around ES. Tatsumi especially, who had to sit down when his leg started hurting. Mayoi isn't sure when exactly he had started staring, but when she noticed, it started her usual spiral of shame.
“Uuuuu… no, no it's my fault! Ahh, I shouldn't have worn something like this! You must think I'm disgusting!! Gross, please forgive me for being so gross!!!”
“No, no, I wasn't thinking that at all. I was just thinking that… that, ah…”
Tatsumi started, but trailed off. His brow was slightly furrowed with eyes that wanted to look everywhere but her. It's an expression that she doesn't always see on the usually calm and collected Tatsumi. The rare sight was enough to tug Mayoi out of her anxiety spiral.
“What… were you thinking…?” She asked softly, cautiously. Tatsumi… didn't look like he wanted to answer. Actually, he looked so uncomfortable it seemed like he might just crawl out of his own skin. It felt so out of character to her, the way he squirmed in place, opened and closed his mouth, attempting to form words. She almost dropped it until he finally spoke.
“I- Well… I was thinking that, ah… Forgive my intrusive question, but Mayoi-san… your… chest wasn't always like that, right?”
“Um…” Mayoi didn’t know what else to do but nod. It was true, she was transfem after all. That was something everyone in ALKALOID knew, but it wasn't something that was brought up often. Which she didn't mind, she was happy with that actually. But it made it all the more out of place for Tatsumi of all people to call attention to it.
“It must've taken a while… to grow… I mean… they're just like a real woman's- or… well you are a real woman, but ah…” He stammered about. The slight offense stung a bit, but it's so blatant that there's something else beneath the surface that she didn’t focus on it.
“It's just… you're so lucky, is what I was thinking.”
“Lucky? Because of… my chest?”
Tatsumi clammed up, his flush going all the way up to his ears. He hunched himself down, visibly cringing at himself. She carefully patted his back. It’s a feeling Mayoi can understand as it's something she's more than used to. Again, it still looked odd on Tatsumi though.
Perception was one of Mayoi's best traits. It was something she had trained hard in her years as the Phantom of Yumenosaki. The Phantom who would watch students practicing late at night, and bless them with her guidance (or rather pay them in exchange for letting her indulge in her gross hobby of peeping). Of course, one didn't have to be an expert to notice Tatsumi was distressed over something. But through the confusion, Mayoi swam through and parsed this weird side of Tatsumi's. The thing about it all was… Well sure, it was strange, but there was something familiar about it. If it wasn't for her tendency to say whatever she was thinking out loud, her conclusion might have stayed in her head.
“Tatsumi-san, are you like me?”
His head snapped back up at her with a surprised look.
“What?”
“Uhm…! Are you… do you… want to be like me? Like… like a woman…?” The words felt odd as they fell from her mouth. The question was so personal, so invasive. Part of her was hoping Tatsumi would shut her down outright so that they could continue on like she never asked.
But he didn’t. He sat there, staring at her.
“Why would you think that…?”
“It's just… I'd only hear things like that from other girls, Tatsumi-san… and I don't think guys get jealous of girl's chests like that?”
“I'm not jealous.”
“Ahh…” Her fingers trembled as she started playing with her braid. It’s such a blatant lie, but she didn’t have the heart to question it. “I'm sorry for making assumptions…” She wasn’t sure how much more she could breach the topic without making Tatsumi too uncomfortable. If anything, she thought she already had. Maybe it's time to drop it then, find something else-
“It's impossible for me anyway.”
Mayoi saw him smile as he said so, but there's such a poignant sense of defeat to it that it did little to mask his despair.
“What do you mean?”
The question hung in the air with both parties falling silent. For a moment, all that could be heard was the faint bustle of people in the distance and the light breeze. It's calm, yet unnerving all the same.
With that same smile, Tatsumi broke the tension, “I think my leg has recovered, shall we head back now?”
It was hard for Mayoi to look at Tatsumi the same way after all of that. It's been a few days since then, but his words still echoed in her ears when she saw him. His dejected look, the light strain in his voice, a sentiment that she was all too familiar with.
Maybe she was being too arrogant with her assumptions, but it broke her heart thinking that Tatsumi was going through the same things she had. A lot of her journey transitioning had been on her own. It was difficult, lonely especially, having to figure out so many things all by herself. The support from her newfound friends, Tatsumi included, had since made it all easier to bear with, and she was going to pay it forward.
As far as she knew, ALKALOID didn't have any work scheduled for today, nor did he seem to have any solo work at the time either. And Koga would be out for a while, so it felt like the perfect opportunity.
“Mayoi-san?”
“Eeek!!”
From her place in the ceiling, she could see Tatsumi looking up at her through the vent grating.
“Fufu, what a lovely surprise. But you know my door is always open to you, right?” His smile was so pure and genuine that Mayoi can feel herself melting on the spot.
She dropped down from the ceiling, carefully shielding the bag in her hand. Inside was her makeup kit, and an outfit that she hoped would suit Tatsumi. Mayoi had tried rehearsing what to say to convince him to let her dress him up. She had an excuse or two prepared, but God was it difficult to remember them while Tatsumi was looking at her so earnestly. Ahh… she wanted to combust on the spot for even thinking about deceiving him! Her thoughts spiralled down, down, down until they were a tangled mess of nerves without a single clear path in sight.
“What’s that you’re holding?”
“Please let me dress you up like a girl, Tatsumi-san!!!”
Silence, and a surprised expression from Tatsumi. He was familiar with her outbursts, but the contents of this particular one must have shaken him more than usual.
“...Why?”
“Uhm uhh…” Her eyes shot to the floor. How could she possibly hope to explain that she thought Tatsumi was an egg…?
Thankfully, she didn’t have to.
“Well… I suppose I don’t see why not?”
“Huh?! Really??”
“It’s a strange request, but you’ve always been full of those, haven’t you? I trust you, and I trust that you don’t have any malicious intent.”
“Ahaha… Ah! I definitely don’t!”
The idea suddenly felt silly to her, but Tatsumi's openness to it gave her hope.
“S-so… what do you think?” Mayoi asked, standing behind him in the dorm's full body mirror.
The outfit she picked out for him was simple. It's a knee length blue dress with minimal lace details around the waist and collar. It's a remnant from Mayoi’s earlier days into her transition when she still hadn't found her style. She remembered how the light curves and the way it swamped over her long legs gave the appearance of the dress swallowing her whole, but on Tatsumi it only seemed to add to the air of elegance that he naturally exudes. His makeup is light as well. It's similar to the natural looks that their makeup artists give them before live shows, but she’s changed the contouring to soften up his face shape rather than sharpen it like they usually do. Pride wasn’t something she let herself feel often, but she thought she did a good job dressing him up. If she randomly saw him on the street like this, she probably would've thought he was just like any other woman.
His face was unreadable at first, as if he was deeply contemplating something. He stood completely still. The only shifts in his movements were from his eyes glancing up and down the mirror. He fidgeted, resting his weight on his other leg.
Then, he smiled.
Tatsumi was smiling, but not in his usual way. No, it didn’t give off the usual sense of calm that had eased Mayoi more times than she could count. It was more like his smile from before. It's inscrutable. Something beneath it was gnarled, twisted, pained.
She wasn’t sure what reaction she was looking for, but that was definitely not it.
“It looks lovely, what a good job you've done.”
“Thank yo-”
“May I ask that you remove it now?”
“Ah… of course.” With how quickly he cut her off, she deflated a bit. She really had been too presumptuous. Did she really expect everything to fall into place after seeing himself with a more feminine appearance? Or that there was anything to fall into place at all? Her shoulders slumped, in a hope to “help” all she did was make him feel uncomfortable.
“Oh, but I really do like it, Mayoi-san. It just isn’t my sort of thing.” He must have noticed her dip in mood, and immediately moved to reassure her as he usually does. Seriously, what did she do to deserve someone like him?
He continued, “Mmm… if you're free after this, maybe we could go out to eat somewhere? Yesterday, I passed by a dessert place that had opened up just a few days ago. I was thinking we could go together.”
“O-Oh! Yes, I’d love to! I’ll help you get the makeup off… Ahhh, I’m so sorry for inconveniencing you like this, Tatsumi-san…”
“There’s no need for apologies. I agreed to it after all. And I told you-”
He looked back at himself in the mirror. The pained look from before was now softened into something more melancholic.
“You did a very good job.”
“Do you believe in reincarnation?”
“Hm?”
Kaname absentmindedly continued writing on his history worksheet. Tatsumi had finished his own a while ago, and had been using his time journaling. Their days had been busy with preparations for their new unit, so he hardly had time to write anymore.
“I thought Christians didn't believe in that stuff?”
“It's not in our scriptures, no, but the concept is fascinating, isn't it?”
“Hmmm…”
Kaname has looked up now, his pen tapping his chin.
“I've been thinking about it quite a lot lately,” Tatsumi continued, “There are plenty of possible scenarios, right? But lately I've been enjoying imagining myself as a woman.”
Kaname's worksheet was pretty much forgotten by then.
“A woman?” Kaname asked, setting his pencil down.
“...Yes. Is there something wrong with that?”
“No, it's just… Like you said, there's a bunch of other things you could be. Isn't a woman kind of boring? You'd just be you, but-” Kaname gestured towards Tatsumi, “-girl. What would you even do?”
“Well, I would dress up, go to my favorite café… Uhm…” Tatsumi had daydreamed a lot of scenarios, and upon being prompted by Kaname, he realized just how mundane it all was. It was exactly like Kaname said, he was just living out his regular life but as a girl.
“You’re right, it isn't all that different. It's… Not worth imagining.” Tatsumi smiled sheepishly. A light blush painted his cheeks as he looked away.
That was clearly where Tatsumi would've liked it to end. It would've been easy to move on from there. Let Kaname finish his worksheet, idle chatter about their subjects, their upcoming debut as a unit, it would've been so simple.
“Well… I guess some stuff would be different. Like, Reimei is all boys. You wouldn't be in Reimei if you were a girl.”
“Haha, yes. That's true-”
“But… What if you found a way-?” Kaname’s eyes flash.
There's a tone that Kaname had learned to pick up on when it comes to Tatsumi. It doesn't come up often. Shame clashed heavily with the natural traits of a revolutionary after all. But still, there were times when Tatsumi seemed to shrink away. When it came to things about himself, or things separate from their greater cause, he seemed to carry a great deal of shame. He couldn’t see what was so shameful about this hypothetical he's thrown at him though… But he did realize that he might have done something to contribute to it.
Kaname’s too prideful for formal apologies, so hopefully this will do.
"Kazehaya-senpai... Is a woman!"
Kaname said, clueless to the weight of his words as he turned his worksheet over and started doodling on the back.
"Kazehaya-senpai's always wanted to be an idol, but because she’s a woman, she wouldn't have been able to get into Reimei. She ended up disguising herself as a man. But even if she's found success as an idol, it doesn't feel right since it's not as herself. But now that she's forming a unit with her best friend and partner Kaname, she's going to be able to do as she likes! So for their debut, they profess together to the whole world who they really are."
Kaname’s hands worked quickly as he spoke. Inspiration has always struck him so fervently, and his willingness to seize it and run away to wherever it may lead is something that Tatsumi has always admired. It showed in his drawing as well, as he quickly scribbled lines, erased them, and moved to create whatever image had taken him. Tatsumi stared in awe. At the story he spun, and the drawing as Kaname held it up to him.
It's the two of them onstage, happily looking out at a crowd depicted as pairs of hands holding penlights. Kaname’s outfit was one that he'd seen before. He'd been conceptualizing outfits for their debut, and the one he'd drawn himself in is among the final designs they've been considering. "Girl" Tatsumi's was similar enough to be able to consider them as part of the same unit, but with some added feminine details. The pants had been converted to a skirt, with the top now extending to a train past it. It's a small change, but Kaname also softened the lines of this Tatsumi as well. It contrasted, yet still complemented Kaname. More than that they looked happy. She looked happy.
Tatsumi’s heart couldn’t stop pounding.
"I... I've never seen any idol groups with men and women together," Tatsumi said, carefully taking Kaname’s drawing into his hands.
"Then we'll be the first. We're already the first unit out of Reimei, why stop there?"
"Perhaps... I'm not sure about professing something like that since... I don’t really know, but..."
Tatsumi's eyes seemed to shine as she stared at Kaname’s crudely drawn version of herself. She said she wasn't sure, but if Kaname was willing to stay by her side then maybe... Maybe...
"This drawing is beautiful. Thank you."
"Keep it," Kaname said with a grin, leaning back into his chair as he crosses his arms. "Even if you're not sure for our debut, maybe we can use it somewhere down the line."
Tatsumi smiled as she neatly folded the paper to tuck into her bag-
"W-wait... I still haven't done my worksheet-"
Kaname’s chair toppled forward with a soft thud against the library floor. The cool image he was trying to project a moment ago disappeared just as quickly as it was put up. Tatsumi laughed a little as she smoothed the worksheet back down.
"I'll photocopy it."
He's dressed back into his usual clothes now. His button up, his pants, his coat on top of it all. All straight lines meshing into a boxy, solid form.
Tatsumi looked into the full body mirror, the same one that held an image of a girl just moments ago. He scrubbed the afterimage from his eyes. She isn't real. She was just one of his many delusions. His delusion that he could lead Reimei to revolution, that he could upend the whole system, that he could keep Kaname by his side. All dreams that were torn apart before his eyes. A dream he was undeserving of, ripped in half and left in the trashcan of his hospital room.
Even if he was undeserving, he let himself indulge for just a moment. He wished he had worded things better since he doesn’t think he properly conveyed his gratitude to Mayoi. She let him slip back for a moment into that dream Kaname had crafted so long ago. Kazehaya-senpai with her best friend and partner, Kaname, announcing to the world who they really are.
But it was impossible after all.