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Bokuto was buzzing.
He felt it all over his body, thrumming insistently under skin, it made him dizzy. So dizzy he could start running, dancing, he felt he could float away altogether.
He could attribute the buzzing to the following: the coffee table scattered with empty cans of cheap beer he indulged in throughout the night. The upstairs neighbor's bass speakers blasting what could only be dance remixes of Christmas songs. The loud crashing and banging coming from whatever action movie was playing on the TV. Or it was because of the cuddly, bright boy laying his head in Bokuto’s lap.
Bokuto looked down at the spread of messy hair under him. All the buzzing got simultaneously worse yet quieter when he looked at Kuroo, his beautiful best friend Kuroo and his beautiful spiky hair. His fingers itched to run through them. So he did, once. Twice. Kuroo hummed under him, leaning into Bokuto's palm, eyes still locked on the movie. Bokuto felt like exploding into a million tiny stars. He sighed instead.
“Hey, you okay?” Kuroo twisted in Bokuto’s lap, turning his attention away from the TV to look at him, brows furrowed. Bokuto melted a little at the fact that Kuroo noticed such a small sigh. Then, there they are, Bokuto thought happily, distracted by the honey-brown eyes looking right at him. “Bo?”
Bokuto shook his head to clear his vision. Focus. “‘M floaty,” he answered with much effort. His hand stilled in Kuroo’s hair, his eyes stuck on Kuroo’s eyes, his heart stuck in his throat.
They had spent the cold winter evening together, that was when the buzzing started. Bokuto made his way to Kuroo’s apartment earlier this evening, walking so fast he might have been running despite himself—aware of how dangerous the fresh snow made it. He was greeted by the cat-like smirk stuck permanently on Kuroo’s face before having the chance to knock. How did he do that? How did he just know? Kuroo had said Bokuto looked good tonight. Bokuto had said likewise, out of breath from the running, of course. They had gotten dinner at a nearby ramen place, sat side by side, elbows brushing once in a while, the warm soup and many loud laughter they shared filling up his belly up to his heart.
This was one of many evenings they spend together, it had become a familiar routine for them. Though unspoken, Friday nights were reserved for Bokuto to spend with Kuroo. Sure, they had been fast friends ever since meeting one another at volleyball tryouts their freshman year. Bokuto's unlimited brightness easily fit Kuroo's sharp energy like puzzle pieces. They bonded over late-night spiking drills, away games, all the carb loading in the shared kitchen of Bokuto's flat, and many exam season cramming. To Bokuto, Kuroo has been a steady and dependable partner on and off the court.
They only started shifting closer since Kuroo took the position of captain this year—with Bokuto as his unofficial vice captain—the two of them spent most of their free time reviewing match recordings, or helping their freshmen teammates. Strict volleyball stuff. Or so Bokuto thought. The lines have blurred recently, as he found himself gravitating towards Kuroo more times than not. Always greedy for Kuroo's warm presence, whether it's right after a successful spike or when he's alone in bed. He was the only person he felt like this for. Was it possible that Kuroo had someone else? He'd never asked.
This incomprehensible feeling got far too big, big, and bigger in Bokuto's chest. He doesn't know what to name it. It always seemed to float away every time he tries to reach for it.
Bokuto heard Kuroo laugh, bringing him back down to earth. He felt that stupidly endearing cackle, too, reverberating from deep in Kuroo’s chest straight into his. Did the room get colder or warmer just now? “I told you not to drink too much of that crap,” Kuroo chided teasingly.
“Hmm. Made me warm, though,” Bokuto mumbled in reply. He was sure he wasn't that drunk, at least not because of the beer. He decided it was too much work for his neck to keep his head up, so he let his head flop onto the couch headrest behind him, staring at the ceiling.
He felt Kuroo sit up. Bokuto frowned at the movement, already missing Kuroo’s body heat. “Poor thing,” Kuroo cooed, setting his head right next to Bokuto's. He felt Kuroo's gaze burn the side of his neck. They were so close. "Are you feeling cold?"
Bokuto met Kuroo's gaze, inviting all those buzzing bees back to come attack his stomach. He can't help looking into the golden eyes he was sure were especially created to weaken him personally. It felt so safe, right here just the two of them. He let his gaze fall down to Kuroo's lips for just a second. It was then he was absolutely sure his heart is trying to float away from his body. He felt so, so much. He found himself imagining the warmth of his lips near Kuroo's and it made his chest tighten. All that he feels were threatening to escape from underneath his skin.
"Hey, you seem so—I don't know. I've never seen you like this before. Are you not having a good time? Are you not feeling well?" Kuroo said with a small smile, palm outstretched towards Bokuto's forehead to feel for a fever.
That made the buzzing much, much louder. Bokuto needed to do something. To let the bees fly away, to pull Kuroo's warmth closer, he was unsure.
In truth, Bokuto didn't know where they stood. They never talked about any of this before. They've always been close, yes, the best of friends. They've always been there when one needed the other, no questions asked. For years, that had been a simple fact—they understood each other with or without words. Now though, this buzzing feeling became a mystery to Bokuto that almost hurts to feel, if it didn't make him so giddy. Bokuto liked spending time with Kuroo. Bokuto liked Kuroo. Of course Bokuto liked Kuroo. Kuroo is his best friend. Then why did that title make his stomach twist? Why was he so dizzy with the need of more, more, more Kuroo?
For the first time in years of knowing Kuroo, he questioned their bond, their unspoken chemistry. He recalled all the Friday night dinners they shared and the tender touches when no one's looking. Did Kuroo share that with only him?
Was their friendship supposed to make his chest feel this full—and still not be enough?
Bokuto sat up suddenly, avoiding Kuroo's outstretched hand, his usual energy seemingly coming back into after all of his thinking and thinking. He felt a sudden wave of courage. This is Kuroo. He trusted Kuroo, he was Bokuto's safe space in human form. Bokuto liked him. It was always Bokuto and Kuroo. Bokuto liked him. Should he say something? The silence stretched too long. "Um. I'm not sick. I'm not that drunk, either! And any time I spend with you is good. It's just!"
Kuroo's hand fell back into his lap. He looked at Bokuto, waiting, patient. Kuroo was always so patient. His eyes searched Bokuto carefully. Bokuto's newfound courage slipped away just a little.
"Okay. Look, Kuroo, I-" Bokuto hesitated, the buzzing reached his tongue now, which was very inconvenient. "Promise you'll answer me honestly!"
"I always do, Bo," Kuroo perked up in curiosity. "I promise. Go on."
Bokuto's breath caught at that. His cheeks warmed. He took a moment to form his question. His fingers kept fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweater.
"If you were to put together a… draft of people you want to go out with, would I be on it?" Bokuto asked finally. His voice came out way too shaky and too loud, even for him. There. A harmless enough question, left out in the air. A way to know where he stood with the space to safely backtrack if it got too weird. Bokuto thought it was pretty brilliant.
A familiar smirk spread across Kuroo's lips. Bokuto tried extra hard to focus on literally anything else to stop the swooping swarm of bees in his ribcage.
"How many… Hm. H-How many slots?" Kuroo stammered, still with that stupidly charming smirk. Bokuto liked him so much.
"One." Uh oh. It slipped out of Bokuto's mouth before he really thought about it. Kuroo grinned widely at that, which made Bokuto feel anxious all of a sudden. "T-Two!" Did that make it better?
"Bokuto," Kuroo started carefully, still brightly smiling. Why did he look so happy? Was he laughing at him? Bokuto was dying! Kuroo sat up too, bringing them eye to eye, bodies facing each other. "What are you asking me right now?"
"Two slots!" Was Bokuto getting closer to Kuroo? Probably. It always felt better closer to Kuroo.
Kuroo cleared his throat. "Yeah, you would be on it," he answered almost lazily.
A swell of relief and want rose so quickly and unexpectedly in Bokuto’s chest that for a moment, he forgot he was supposed to say something back. They were so close. Bokuto felt he was frozen in place, stuck staring at Kuroo's eyes.
"Something on my face?" Kuroo winked. He winked at him. Bokuto felt like crying right here in the middle of his best friend's living room.
"Aaaagh!" It was too much. Kuroo's pretty face, his flirting, the relentless buzzing in his chest, all that he kept bottled up overwhelming him quite disastrously in this moment. He leaned forward and put his head on Kuroo's shoulder in surrender. Why was this so weird? It's Kuroo!
"You're right, it's just me, Kou," Kuroo murmured. His hand softly stroking Bokuto's arm, tethering him to the earth. And of course Bokuto said that out loud. Or maybe he was right, that Kuroo had the freakish ability to pick a thought from inside Bokuto's head with his fingers. He heard Kuroo grab for the remote to turn the TV off. "You wanna talk about it? What's got you thinking so hard? It's okay. I wasn't laughing at you. I'm sorry. You can tell me anything."
Bokuto lifted his head just a little, he didn't feel brave enough to look at Kuroo's face again, not yet. "I feel… confused," he sniffled.
"About the people I want to date?" Kuroo tugged lightly on Bokuto's wrist, making him look up. Bokuto had to blink the tears away to focus. He avoided Kuroo's gentle gaze.
Bokuto sat up straighter, "Well, yeah, because we're always together, even when the volleyball season's done. Every single win or loss, practices or real games, I'm the first person you run to right after. We pretty much have a ritual of dinner and cuddles every single week since this semester started. You always answer my calls even when it's 2am and I'm just feeling shitty. You help me study, I help you cook." Kuroo snickered. "Okay, you cook and I help you with the other stuff. This past year it's like—when I look to my side; there you are! You take care of me. Always! And, well."
The silence was so loud it made space for the buzzing again. Bokuto rushed to fill it, "Well! You're my person, okay! All of this… everything that we do together means something to me. Our time together means everything to me. I- I really like you. You're my best friend in the world, and I like you more than that. It would really really suck if it turned out you were doing all of this with someone else, too."
Bokuto felt Kuroo's palm on his cheek. He was scared the tears would spill over at the touch. He was scared Kuroo could feel the buzz under his skin. He couldn't look at him. "Oh Koutarou. I'm sorry." Kuroo's voice is a gentle breeze, "I'm sorry I was never brave enough to say anything. Hey. Look at me for a sec."
Bokuto shook his head, eyes glued to his lap. His pinky brushed Kuroo's, just a touch.
"Of course you're my person, too. The only one I do this with, the one I like, the one I want to go on dinner dates, the one I look for in the crowds, the one I want to take care of," Kuroo chuckled nervously. "I was ready to say yes when you said there was only one slot! Promise!"
"I guess I've been selfish, huh? I kept you all to myself without taking the next step. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. You deserve to be wooed and dazzled, Kou. You deserve to be loved loudly," Kuroo paused to take a breath. "Okay. I guess I was scared. I never… I didn't want to lose you. I didn't know you felt the same way."
Bokuto knew he was breathing quickly. His sneaked a glance at Kuroo's face and regretted it immediately. Kuroo looked right at him. He looked beautiful right here, hair messy from the couch cuddles, eyes reflecting the streetlights by the window. He seemed nervous, as nervous as Bokuto felt. Somehow that's the one thing that makes the buzzing just a tad calmer—the fact that Kuroo felt just as scattered as he was. He slid his palm into Kuroo's and found it clammy.
"It's kind of silly, then," Bokuto felt taller. "We were scared for no reason. Right? It's you and me!"
Kuroo laughed, loud and bright, "That's right. You and me." Bokuto felt an electric pull towards that bright smile.
"Okay. We should do this properly!" It was Bokuto's turn to tug at Kuroo's hand, pulling Kuroo ever closer.
Kuroo raised his brows, "Going on dates and cuddle sessions every week isn't proper enough for you?"
"No, silly," Bokuto felt the buzz everywhere. In the tips of his fingers, his toes. "Get here and kiss me!"
It successfully wiped Kuroo's smirk off his face and replaced it with a small 'o'. Bokuto thought he could do better. His hands on Kuroo's waist, Bokuto put Kuroo square in his lap. He felt bold, and dizzy, and so, so happy. Kuroo threw his head back and laughed. "Only you, Bokuto Koutarou, would manhandle your volleyball team captain so easily."
Bokuto positively beamed. It made so much sense, the way Kuroo and Bokuto fit together this way. When Kuroo leaned in and put his sweet lips on Bokuto's, it was soft and hesitant and perfect, his fingertips carefully rested on Bokuto’s cheeks. Bokuto's hands on Kuroo's waist moved under the hem of his sweater. Could Kuroo feel the buzzing under his skin now?
"I like you so so much," Kuroo sighed. "You taste like yucky beer though."
Bokuto laughed loudly, wrapping his arms around Kuroo, feeling him warm right against his chest. "You, Kuroo Tetsurou, taste like stars!" He exclaimed. They laughed before they kissed again, and again, and it's almost too much for Bokuto when just earlier today he'd thought this wasn't possible, but Kuroo pulls him even closer, even tighter. Bokuto's hands were in Kuroo's unruly hair now, pulling another breath closer. It all felt oh so magical.
They kissed until they were both lightheaded. Bokuto's heart felt like exploding when he drew back to gasp for breath. Kuroo didn't let him move too far, locking his ankles behind Bokuto's back, hands fisted in the front of his sweater. The way he was looking at Bokuto right then, with lips swollen, eyes dark and downright evil, thighs flexed under Bokuto's palms, made the buzzing feel blazing hot. In his arms, Kuroo was the single brightest thing Bokuto had ever seen in his life. He smiled into Kuroo's neck, felt his racing pulse under him. He kept smiling and smiling.
"We could've done this the whole time!" The thought sent Bokuto into a fit of giggles. Somehow, this was proof he was never drunk off the beer, just this shining boy in front of him.
"Hmm. We could do this all the time now, too," Kuroo practically swallowed Bokuto's laughter in a slow kiss, smiling into it, too. It seemed they couldn't keep their brilliant smiles off their faces. Had the room grown brighter, somehow?
They stayed like that for a while. The cold winter evening they shared stretched into an infinite moment. Bokuto and Kuroo, heartbeats buzzing fast, right by one another's, here in this space that were theirs. It seemed ridiculous Bokuto was so scared of falling for Kuroo. As if he could help it. As if it wasn't inevitable.
Bokuto held Kuroo right there by his heart, unsure if he'd ever be able to let him go—but certain that he didn't need to.