Work Text:
Once I’m finally a real nurse.
That had become Anya’s mantra. Long nights hunched over textbooks, boredom watering her eyes to the point where the words blended together, she’d say, “Once I’m finally a real nurse, I won’t have to read textbooks.”
Days spent racing around a cramped ship, making herself small, ducking out of people’s ways and asking, “How can I help?” She spent all of her free time thinking, “Once I’m finally a real nurse, I won’t feel so useless.”
Conversations spent with people staring through her and not at her, calling her anything but her name - Darling, Lady, Girl - and thickening tones with sarcasm they thought she couldn’t catch, Anya got through it by thinking, “Once I’m finally a real nurse, no one will speak down to me like that.”
Time wasted daydreaming about her colored pencil set, downtime spent doodling on sticky notes and imagining new characters to draw, only to collapse as soon as the day was done. She would roll over in bed and sigh, “Once I’m finally a real nurse, I’ll have enough downtime to draw.”
Every problem was brushed off with that stipulation.
“Once I’m finally a real nurse, I’ll have the health insurance to fix my back problems.”
“Once I’m finally a real nurse, my uniform won’t be so stuffy.”
“Once I’m finally a real nurse, I’ll have the money to afford a better apartment.”
“Once I’m finally a real nurse, I won’t have to eat shitty cafeteria food anymore.”
“Once I’m finally a real nurse, people will respect me.”
“Once I’m finally a real nurse, nobody will ever hurt me like that again.”
It was years later, hands shaking as she struggled to open a pill bottle, that Anya realized she barely even knew what a real nurse was like. It had become something mystical, something unreal in her mind. It was more of an ideal than an occupation. Real nurses got talked down to all the time. Real nurses worked twelve hour shifts with little downtime. Real nurses rushed around hospitals asking, “How can I help?” Real nurses got hurt all the time.
Anya laughed as she uncapped the pill bottle. Every life goal, every fun milestone, she’d put it off for after she became a nurse. After she became a nurse, she’d get a tattoo. After she became a nurse, she’d splurge on a spa day. After she became a nurse, she’d buy herself that dress. After she became a nurse, she’d go on a date with that special someone. After she became a nurse, her life would begin.
Based on her realization, though, hadn’t she been a real nurse?
Hadn’t she?
“This isn’t my worst moment…”