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Ryo wanted to deny it, to refuse to understand how it all started. If possible, he didn’t even want to admit that it had happened — that it was happening at that very moment. His wide eyes seemed to double now, staring in absolute shock at his own realization. With a hurried hand on his chest, he started to feel the frantic heartbeat, the sudden heat rising to his cheeks, the butterflies fluttering wildly in his stomach. Ryo swallowed hard and looked away from the taller boy. No. Absolutely not. He couldn’t possibly be feeling all the painful symptoms of falling in love. And above all, he couldn’t be feeling them towards his best friend.
It all started on a friday evening, when he and the rest of the group were finally done with the day’s recording. He had just gotten into the car he would soon be sharing with them, resting his neck and letting his head fall back against the seat, without any strength left to even lift the arm holding his phone. He glanced at his own hand with a slight pout and brought the screen closer to his eyes, the light illuminating his face as he eagerly searched for the X app. He logged into his secret account right away — the one he used to to quietly keep an eye on what the fans were saying and keep up with news about his favorite animes.
During one of those searches, he soon found something on his for you page that surprised him at first: a BL series. Both actors were so close in the behind-the-scenes footage, and that alone was enough to spark a new curiosity. Ryo was not really familiar with the genre, and also he had never actually stopped what he was doing to watch one of those, not even in his spare time.
And, well, he didn't want to deal with everything that came with it: sexuality questioning and all. Which he had never really stopped to think about either, and he had been fine with that. Until now.
He looked both ways, checking if any of the members were nearby or coming back, before reading to himself the name in japanese Shuugakuryokou de Nakayokunai Guruupu ni Hairimashita and, just like that, he clicked on the hashtag that came with the post. He lowered the volume, the way he used to when he didn’t want his hyungs complaining about him staying up late. And he wished he could do the same to his heart, which was pounding wildly inside his ribcage.
Since that day, Ryo was never the same.
-
Ryo had never really been the “fan type”, the kind who loves so intensely that the only option is to think about it for hours. The closest he had ever come to that feeling was the admiration he felt for his NCT sunbae, Doyoung. At first, the young japanese boy searched for every photo and edit he could find, for the actors’ real names, even their blood types. Did he even remember his own? Still, he wanted to know everything. It felt like an obsession, he guessed.
Since the BL series was from his country, everything came easily to him, no subtitles needed, no extra effort required. He couldn’t watch it in the car, nor anytime the group was nearby. Of course, the safest place was his room, which he shared with Sakuya. And suddenly another obstacle stood in the way of Ryo and his series.
Once again, he needed a plan. So he settled for his late nights, past midnight, the moment when everyone else was asleep, and the only sound he could hear, besides the series playing softly, was Sakuya mumbling in his sleep.
The show was still airing, with three episodes already out — all of which Ryo had watched in a single late night. Of course, his body ached during the activities of the following day, bringing back memories of Sion hyung’s concerned looks, thrown his way more than three times . Still, it had been worth it. The quiet internal chaos of everything that was happening made it worth it.
He didn’t know why, but at some point he began to feel an unusual attraction toward the main character. Expecting to see his pretty face in the next episode, smiling like a fool as soon as it started and sighing openly every morning afterward seeing the bts photos.
Once, he even burned himself — thankfully, Sakuya was with him in the kitchen, shouting with his typical tone “Watch out!” while trying to avoid a disaster. And unfortunately (or fortunately) he could not and the second before Sakuya cupped Ryo’s small hand in his larger one, biting the inside of his cheek in frustration. He ran his fingers over the red mark, blowing on it softly afterward, repeating phrases like “You need to be more careful” and “What’s with you these days?” The warm air against Ryo's fingers should have made him complain, but he couldn’t care less.
With a pout, Ryo could not avoid looking at the boy’s profile for too long. His cheeks were slowly losing the softness that usually made him look cuter, his eyes blinking rapidly as he searched the drawer for burn medicine, as if his life depended on it. He never looked more cute in Ryo’s eyes.
Ryo whispered a quiet “Gomen”, but got no response, the pink-haired boy was too busy applying the medicine.
“Daijoubu. You’re the one who’ll feel the pain, baka.”
And just like that, after checking once more, from Ryo’s eyes to his fingers, Sakuya smiled and left the kitchen.
Maybe that was the first time Ryo realized his heart was racing wildly because of him.
It could have stopped there — but it changed when his admiration began to shift toward someone else: his best friend.
When the simplest gesture of Sakuya lifting a finger to the corner of his lip to wipe away the faint traces of a macha frappé made him flinch in his seat.
When in one of those little fights of theirs, both on Sakuya’s bed at the dorm, it ended up with the youngest one pinning Ryo’s wrists against the mattress — not with too much force, but enough to make Ryo lose control of his own mind, to steal the air from his lungs, to leave him frozen in a breathless, dizzy stillness while they stared at each other as if searching for something unspoken in the other’s eyes.
Ryo’s gaze drifted slowly along Sakuya’s arm, as if he needed to relearn that familiar territory. He followed the faint line of a vein rising beneath the skin, revealed by the minimal, almost careless effort Sakuya was using to keep him still. It was a small detail — insignificant to anyone else — but to Ryo it seemed to pulse, alive, demanding his attention in a way that made his chest ache. His fingers curled against the mattress, gripping the fabric in a useless attempt to anchor himself to something solid, something that wasn’t the overwhelming awareness of the body hovering above him.
He felt as though the sound inside his ribcage, his heart, loud and unguarded, was exposed, laid bare for the taller one to hear. And Ryo thought, not for the first time, that Sakuya carried the whole universe inside his big brown eyes.
-
But nothing could possibly prepare Ryo for that fateful day.
School Trip: Joined a Group I’m Not Close To’s last episode was finally out — to Ryo’s misfortune and quiet despair. After they finished the last concert in Nagoya, the first thing he did was look for his cellphone in the dressing room. He knew it was dangerous to check anything so close to everyone, outside a whole venue still full of people.
But he needed it badly, as if desire whispered louder than caution.
His needy little heart betrayed him as he clicked on the episode, telling himself it would be just a sneaky peek.
Just one scene, he whispered, trying to comfort himself.
The episode wasn’t even halfway through, and Ryo was already dreading how many times he wouldn’t be able to see Watarai’s handsome face, the gentle way he took care of Hioki, before the confession and even after it.
He wished for someone who could like him the same way — that a certain someone could like him like that.
He had already lost so many opportunities in life because of his idol career, which was also, paradoxically, his fever dream. Still, he felt a selfish desire to be the object of someone’s admiration and affection, even knowing he was not allowed to.
So lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize someone was standing close to him.
On the screen, the main characters were chatting in the classroom, Watarai’s hand wrapping around Hioki’s, while Ryo’s fingers clenched tightly at the fabric of his shirt, right over his chest, unable to even blink during the scene. His lower lip was caught between his teeth when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. His body reacted immediately, the phone slipping from his grasp, his own hand reaching out to hold the wrist that touched him right after.
He pushed the body back against the door, the one that had been slightly open before, and only then realized who the culprit was: Sakuya.
“Ryo-”
He didn’t finish in time. Ryo’s eyes widened as he brought a hand up to cover Sakuya’s mouth, cutting him off mid-word. His legs trembled, his heart lodged painfully in his throat, breath coming shallow and unsteady.
Sakuya tried to move, only to fail, searching Ryo’s expression for something he couldn’t quite name.
“From now on… I’ll be counting on you too.”
“As your boyfriend.”
Ryo’s fingers trembled against Sakuya’s lips at the sound of the characters’ voices.
“Ah… s-same here.”
They stood frozen, listening to the sounds around them, eyes locked onto each other.
“Why are you blushing?”
“I’m not blushing.”
“You’re so cute.”
Ryo looked away, feeling his cheeks in shades of red. He couldn’t see it, but he felt it like never before.
When he turned his face to the side, his eyes followed Sakuya’s line of sight. Watarai’s hand was gripping the back of Hioki’s neck.
“Look at me.”
Ryo wished he had been faster, that he could have avoided that moment, the moment of pure embarrassment. He wanted to hide at the top of Mount Fuji until everyone forgot his shameful existence.
He wanted to stop Sakuya from seeing the two boys kissing on the screen of his phone.
Panic took over as his hand pressed the button, turning the screen off and angling it away from Sakuya.
“Heh… what was that? I must have played it by accident” he tried to say, his voice wavering, breaking into awkward pauses.
Kill me now, he thought. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Sakuya.
“Ryo,”
The boy tried again, softer than before.
But Ryo had already reached for the door handle.
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
And then, he left.
-
Late at night, Sakuya was too nervous to fall asleep. He and the rest of the group had been rehearsing nonstop for the tour, and all those negative scenarios kept running through his mind. Even though he had done this countless times and was a professional, he couldn’t help but spiral into thoughts. Of course, he never almost looked nervous, he was good at hiding it.
He turned over in his bed toward Ryo’s and noticed that the screen of his phone was still on. Confused, he whispered the smaller boy’s name gently, wondering if he was awake. After a minute with no response, worry settled in. He didn’t want the light to disturb Ryo’s sleep in any way. Sakuya stood up, moving in small, careful steps, guided only by the soft sound of Ryo’s breathing, which told him he was already deep in dreamland. He knelt beside the bed and took a moment to tuck a strand of hair behind Ryo’s ear; it kept falling into his eyes, making him flinch slightly. That made Sakuya smile. Ryo was even pouting a little in his sleep, his lower lip soft, visible, and unfairly plump. It felt cruel that Sakuya couldn’t squeeze his cheeks.
And just after that, he realized that Ryo was wearing an earbud in one ear, the other resting on the pillow. Sakuya glanced at the screen, gently taking it from Ryo’s hand, and saw the boy tucking his arm under the blanket. He checked that Ryo was still asleep before mirroring the screen.
Two boys were having a conversation, it looked like a TV show. The taller one suddenly hugged the other, wrapping him in a curtain with both of them getting caught in it, too close for Sakuya’s comfort. His eyes widened slightly as he looked back at Ryo, confused. The few seconds he stared at it felt like a lifetime, yet he couldn’t deny that he really wanted to watch more.
After all, Ryo had never mentioned it, and they usually talked about everything.
He paused the show to catch the name, repeating it to himself so he could remember it later, then laid the phone on Ryo’s bed and returned to his own. Anxiety fluttered in his chest, his heartbeat racing in a way that almost hurt with curiosity.
From that day on, Sakuya began looking for the episodes on his own phone. He downloaded them all at once. He was bolder than Ryo, watching the show even in the car they shared, taking the window seat with his phone on, grateful that weeks before he brought a phone screen protector that blocked the view from the sides.
He wouldn’t tell Ryo, since Ryo hadn’t mentioned anything. And, well, he understood why.
He liked the main dynamics; he even laughed at them, finding them cute and innocent. He was happy to finally have an actual hobby, something to do besides playing games. So he just tried to push the intrusive thoughts out of his mind and focus on the good things.
Before that day, Sakuya was convinced he liked girls, since he had only ever fallen for them at school and would usually comment on how pretty they were. But he also used to tell Ryo how pretty he was. Of course, more in his mind than out loud to the boy himself, and when he did speak, it was usually covered up with a joke. That thought lingered in his mind longer than he would have liked.
Of course, it couldn’t stop there. After all, he knew a lot of people would watch it just to entertain themselves, which Sakuya wished was his case. Something had started to change after that event. Sakuya spent more time than he liked watching Ryo play or sleep, making comparisons between his smiling eyes and the shape of a crescent moon — shining, vivid, enamored. Whenever he hugged him, something shifted inside Sakuya, like a button that had never been pressed before and finally was.
And Ryo had always liked hugging him, staying close, touching him. Now, every time it happened, it felt like an explosion of feelings inside Sakuya, dangerous to his very life.
And there were new thoughts, too: he wished it lasted longer, that they could stay like that for hours, maybe forever, if possible.
He started looking away whenever Ryo came out of the shower, hair still wet, wearing a tank top and shorts. His legs were really beautiful, just like that thing he had said once, back when it still felt like a joke.
“What? Am I that handsome?” Ryo caught him sometimes. Sakuya would deny it with a shake of his head, rolling his eyes at Ryo’s stupidly beautiful smile.
Sakuya, just like Ryo, wanted to deny it all — to avoid any thoughts that confirmed what was slowly forming in his heart and soul.
-
When they both got into the car that night, Ryo eagerly tried to convince his hyungs to switch rooms with him at the hotel, since he already knew it would be unbearable to share the same room with Sakuya. Alone. Just the two of them.
“Not today. Jaehee and I planned to watch a movie,” Riku said.
“I’m sorry, Ryo, but Yushi will kill me if I cancel our Mario Kart match one more time,” Sion whined.
There was no escape, then. He would have to face Sakuya making jokes about what he had seen on his phone.
But he wasn’t ready for that.
Not when his chest felt so full of confused feelings, desperated to be voiced. And not when his lips tingled, wanting to try with Sakuya the same thing Watarai and Hioki had done in the last episode of the show. He shook his head, trembling at the thought alone.
When the two of them entered the hotel room, Ryo quickly said he was going to take a shower first, before the taller japanese could make a sound. He wanted to run, and maybe the hot water could bring some clarity to his mind.
But it didn’t. Twenty minutes later, he was back.
And then it was Sakuya’s turn. He wanted to talk, but first he needed to freshen up.
When Sakuya returned, already in his pajamas, he looked at Ryo in the bed next to him and sighed slowly.
“We need to talk.”
Ryo lifted his eyes from his phone at the sound of Sakuya’s voice and shyly put it aside and nodding slightly.
He didn’t know what would come from that; he didn’t know if he was more afraid of a possible reprimand or of laughter coming from the other — though that seemed unlikely, since Sakuya’s expression was serious.
When Sakuya sat down on the same bed, Ryo started playing with his fingers, unable to look at the taller boy, with no bravery left in him.
“Ryo.”
Before he could feel the pain of his nail digging into his cuticle again, Sakuya’s hand covered his, forcing Ryo to face him, trying to stop Ryo from hurting himself — in every sense of the word. Ryo froze.
“Are you ashamed of what happened earlier?”
Ryo was a little surprised by the approach, not really expecting that, even though he knew, deep down, that he could trust Sakuya and that all the thoughts he had before were nothing but fear creeping in. Ryo was rarely like that and couldn’t quite understand why he was reacting this way.
He only blinked, now looking directly at Sakuya.
“You know… I saw you watching that series one night, when you fell asleep before it ended. And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, but I was a little upset too that you didn’t comment on it with me either.”
He scratched the back of his neck, hesitating for a moment before speaking again.
“And, well… I might have started watching it too.”
His voice was so low that Ryo could barely hear it if they weren’t so close. The only reaction he managed was hooking his pinky around Sakuya’s instinctively, looking down as his face flushed deeply.
His thoughts started racing too fast. Oh my God, oh my God… Sakuya watched it too? What does that mean?
“Then I should be ashamed too, right?”
And that’s how Ryo realized he needed to speak, even if he didn’t know which words would be right—maybe even the wrong ones would be better than saying nothing at the moment.
“Sakuya, you don’t have to say that just to make me feel better…”
He knew it was his best friend speaking, one of the people he trusted the most, but that was all he could manage to say. After all, Sakuya had always taken care of him in so many ways, always prioritizing Ryo’s feelings, sometimes even over his own.
“I—”
Sakuya tried to continue, to say something, to give voice to the chaos inside him
But he didn’t know what he should say, even though he knew exactly what he wanted to.
“And I should be even more ashamed for wanting to do with you what Watarai was doing with Hioki in that episode.” His voice dropped again.
Ryo held his breath, releasing Sakuya’s hand in surprise. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. And just like that, he realized that watching the bl series was the clue he needed to finally understand that all the affection he had always felt for Sakuya was more than friendship, even if it still was friendship — a bond so great he wanted to give it a name, to go beyond just being friends.
But before he could even think, he noticed the sadness in Sakuya’s eyes as he stared at their now-separated hands, and Ryo immediately reached for him again.
He needed to react fast, he couldn’t let Sakuya overthink for even a second.
And with the sincerity he had always shown, he replied quickly, his voice rushed.
“I would be happy if you did that.”
He confessed in an even lower voice, grateful for being brave enough to maintain eye contact, allowing Sakuya to read his lips, just as he knew Sakuya could read his thoughts as well.
They both stared at each other with wide eyes, still trying to process the moment they were living. But Sakuya didn’t want to think too much about it, holding on to that impulsive, intense quality — sometimes reckless, sometimes necessary — so common in young people.
He moved closer to Ryo, lifting the hand that wasn’t holding his and bringing it to Ryo’s face, gently caressing his cheek. He leaned in slowly, as if with every millimeter of closeness he were quietly asking, “So… may I do this?” To which Ryo only needed to answer with a nod — only eyes that knew each other so well could ever have understood what the other meant.
Their lips met slowly, soft as a feather, sweet like Ryo’s favorite mango candies, delicate in a way only Sakuya could be. His lips tasted like roses, sending a shiver through Ryo, like the touch of the night’s gentle breeze. Ryo never wanted that moment to end. They didn’t move beyond that, with no desire for it to be anything other than what it was. It was as if they only wanted to trace an imaginary map of the texture and warmth of each other’s lips, so they would never forget it. Ryo’s fingers slid up along the hem of Sakuya’s pajama shorts, bunching the fabric in his grip when he felt his lower lip being caught in a slow, gentle suck. A second later, he pulled away, breathless for reasons he couldn’t quite explain. His cheeks ached, his breathing coming out fast and uneven. To that, Sakuya responded with a soft, slightly too-loud laugh.
“You’re so cute! That’s one of the many reasons why I like you so much, Ryo.”
Another arrow straight into Ryo’s small, fragile heart, already full and utterly taken by Sakuya.
It felt like Sakuya didn’t need to think much about it, as if things weren’t nearly as complicated as they seemed inside Ryo’s head.
Maybe that was one of the reasons why he liked Sakuya so much.
“Baka.”
He murmured it with his eyes closed, his forehead now pressed against his friend’s shoulder. He stayed there for a moment, breathing in the warmth of him, feeling Sakuya's chest rise and fall against his own.
“I like you too.”
At that moment, neither of them wanted to think about anything. Sakuya only wanted to kiss Ryo again, to explore what else he could do with his lips, and what other flavors he could discover, knowing too well it had been his first kiss, and that it was Ryo’s as well. That alone made it even more special. Consciously or not, he had always wanted to be the one to claim the older boy’s first kiss.
And with his body warm and his breathing uneven, he leaned in again, finger now intertwined, with more intensity and care, fitting his lips to Ryo’s once more — determined to keep every one of Hirose Ryo’s kisses for himself. And in that moment, Ryo was simply happy to let himself experience that not-so-selfish taste of love.