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“I know your type, Rook.” Davrin had mentioned when they first spoke up in his loft, cleanly shearing down wood. “You may have had a change of heart back when you drew away those darkspawn, you could even drag a team through Weisshaupt, but your tail tucks easily. Makes me wonder.”
“About?” He'd asked, swallowing his tongue.
“Your morale rubs off on people. I don't think Lucanis missing the shot was a coincidence. Sure, not like that demon did him any favors but…” Davrin shrugged off the shavings of wood and Assan sniffed them as they dropped to the floor. “We’re facing Gods, here. Blighted, gods. They're not going to be as kind as darkspawn.”
“I know that now.” Aurel pursed his lips and they stuck out almost like a pout. “You're not exactly gifted a pamphlet when you join the Wardens, nor for fighting gods. Yes, I trembled! Maybe Lucanis missing was my fault. But yesterday was absolutely necessary. For all of us!”
“Was it?” Davrin slammed the sanded statuette down, making Assan slip to the floor and crawl backwards. “Necessary, so you can hide behind your more capable companions?”
“So we can know what we're up against!” Aurelius stepped forward with a rough sneer, hitting Davrin chest to chest. “You aren't exactly as seasoned as you'd like to think either! Davrin, the Grey Warden who couldn't even die as a Warden!”
Their stares clashed together and Aurelius knew he'd hit a nerve with the way Davrin's jaw tightened to a still, which he savored after Davrin had very much scored through him. That satisfied feeling could only last so long though before it was replaced with Davrin's words.
“You know, if you polished those words, you could use it as a blade to sheath against Ghilan'nain, maybe then it would've struck true.” Davrin was especially good at punctuating each word so it echoed hauntingly, making his eyes sting sour.
Aurelius sniffed sharply, scoffing with brisk breath, sarcastic thick in his frustrated tone. “So it's all well and good when you're the one delivering the slander. Good to know.”
“Dammit, Rook!” Davrin cursed, snapping back to him. “I just wish you had something! Some grand plan – a reason why people flock to you aside from always being near danger!”
“Keep your eyes open, you could learn a lot about me.” Aurelius’ lips stretched into a wry smirk, cocking his hip, his hand cupping it. “Whether you like it or not, Davrin the Great, I will be the one who leads this charge. We will kill Ghilan'nain and Elgar'nan, whether or not you're by my side and we will defeat Solas and put the world back together. If you wish to watch the world keep crumbling all because you can't come to your own terms with your failings, that's on you.”
The huff that Davrin left out could've summoned smoke, his breaths clearly trying to contain themselves before they could be fueled for rage. As reserved as it was, his corner gaze looked like it was fighting itself, eventually coming to terms with something. “No matter what Rook, I would've always been here. Could you say the same?”
His confident stride faltered, his hand gripping his hip with a steel grip as if to keep himself from falling over. From the inside out, it'd felt like someone had pried him open and dug out his heart, poking at it with a scalpel. He felt like he was being drained, confidence pouring away to the husk he truly was and all that was left was a young child enamored by stories of grandeur his clan would tell him of the Blight and the tale of Mahariel, who was ecstatic the day he got his first bow and arrow and who aspired for more than just being some hunter. For glory, for fame, for something larger.
When he'd joined Varric’s side, he thought it'd be much the same. Being the warden who could not only slay darkspawn, but who could track down and stop the mighty elvhen God who wished to tear down the veil. Admittedly, if only to himself, he was awestruck by that potential glory. But in the face of the Grey Warden who actually put his foot forward, who seemed to understand the mission better than him, Aurelius’ pride took the stronghold. His throat was just dry, completely lost the will to say, ‘I'm sorry.’
Aurelius instead pulled back, narrowing his eyes and turning his back to him. “This conversation is over. Was the moment it began,” He said, his tone so sharp it could cut the tension then and there but only hardened it. “I owe nothing to you. To anyone.”
For the longest time after that conversation, all Aurelius could do was haul through mission after mission, trek for trek and all that he would have at the end of the day aside from bleeding welts here and arrows lodged there, was a heaviness in his stomach. Deep down, Aurelius always knew he'd been wrong, terribly. Once he picked apart the hurt and anger that twisted his guts, he was left with the beaten up confidence that had long been dead, barely holding himself together. It felt like something had broken within him since the ritual, rubbing salt into the issues that had always been there, no fault of Davrin's whatsoever and yet, he took the angry dog's teeth. Just as well, the man avoided him like the Blight itself, keeping to his side of the Fade. He would've taken him, if he had the spine.
Unlike himself, Davrin had the guts to speak his mind and Aurelius after all of it, wasn't keen on hearing the strong ‘no.’ Besides, he'd come to the conclusion, along with Neve’s foresight, that Davrin definitely deserved a well worded apology.
“So, just what do I say? ‘As you well know, I'm a royal asshole and I suddenly feel bad, please forgive me?’.” Aurelius let out a sigh that was ready to give up, his arms guarding his chest. “Something tells me that won't do.”
Neve smirked. “Sounds like you want to impress him.”
“I-... What?” He gawked, sputtering. “Where is this coming from?”
“You tell me, Rook.” She shrugged, leisurely resting her behind on the table, hands gently curling around the edge, offering an innocent smile. “Feeling like you need something specific, as if there's a right ingredient for amends… Just my two sense.”
“It is when the man you're trying to apologize to is tougher to read than the Chant.” Aurelius let out a frustrated growl, rubbing his face. “And when you don't usually say sorry. What do I do?”
“What I'm also trying to say is that it's not that hard.” She offered, crossing one leg over the other. “Even if he may seem immovable, what he truly seems to appreciate is honesty and shame. The fact you'd be willing to apologize is something he might find to be an honorable trait for a Grey Warden. But if you want the right setting, I'd say make a personal detour to Arlathan. Assan's been making those frustrated chirps for a while, none of us have been able to get him out…” Neve stood and approached him, leaning on her hip. “Might be just the thing you both need. Fresh air might lead to some fresh beginnings. You won't know unless you try.”
Somehow, Neve cracked the right thing to do in a matter of seconds, something Aurelius was sure that would've taken him weeks to figure out on his own. Aurelius let out a scoff, relaxing into a smile. “You always make things sound so simple, Neve. You should've been a counselor. Heard they're a rarity in Mintrathous.”
“And cozy up to the psyche of the elite? I'd prefer to keep my distance.” She chuckled, “Being chin to chin with the Venatori is enough for me anyhow.”
“Suit yourself.” Aurelius smiled, then let out a heavy breath, looking down at his hands. “Suppose I better get going, before Assan preens his coat away. Thanks, Neve.”
“My pleasure, Rook. You know where I'll be if you need me.”
Surprisingly, when he approached Davrin's nook, he didn't get run through. He wasn't even given a cold shoulder. The man himself looked pretty occupied, his far away stare boring holes into the wooden statuette he mindlessly sanded down – but all the same, reacted indifferently to his offer. Not looking up, but otherwise agreeing. “Sure thing, Rook.” Davrin had said noncommittally, and Aurelius just stiffly nodded. With that, as soon as Davrin was suited up, they departed.
Arlathan was as gorgeous as always. With the blight pockets dealt with, the once dead wiry grass and plants began flourishing again with elfroot sprouting in mini gardens, flowers in bloom once more. Taking a stroll down, watching the little griffon squawk as he dug for his meal, the solitude and quiet could almost make one forget the cataclysmic threat that loomed over their heads. Somehow though, that wasn't the thing plaguing Aurelius' mind. Davrin did. His head was tilted high, like he didn't see the beauty at all, rather keeping his eyes open for any wandering creatures. His mind was so one-tracked, it made Aurel wonder if he'd miss something crucial in training or if he was just…defected.
He sighed, looking away briefly before removing his pack. “This looks as good a spot as any to have a break. Assan, you hungry, boy?”
“Rook, I wouldn't—” Davrin gawked, watching with a flat expression as the scruffy griffon halted digging in the dirt, cocked his head one eighty degrees and bolted. Thankfully, Aurelius had only dipped his hand into the pouch, concealing what was there before drawing up his foot to catch Assan by the chest. “– do that if I were you.”
Assan didn't fight his leg, the barricade working surprisingly well. Technically, he didn't really have to considering his neck could travel as far as it wanted. His head tilted as he reached Rook's elbow, placing his heavy head on it and cooing, as if pleading for what was inside.
“That's right, boy. Wait your turn.” Davrin knelt down beside the two of them, taking the initiative to grab the bag, drawing Assan off of Aurelius. Throwing the slip up, Davrin's eyebrows raised and he seemed surprised. “You did bring lunch.”
Aurelius scrunched his nose, bringing his legs back to center. “You say that as if I planned to starve us.” He scoffed, a choice of words that ended up making him wince. Words. He needed to watch his words. “Besides, who wouldn't want to have a picnic here?”
Davrin pulled out the neatly wrapped sandwiches, sitting them between the space of his and Aurelius' hips, quickly taking out the bagged treats made for Assan. “You made him butter-puffs?” He actually laughed, a sound that mimicked Ferelden wind chimes in the summer. “Careful, or he'll be very disappointed when he isn't digging up pastries out of the dirt.”
For once the air felt light. “You can blame Lucanis. He said something about them being used to train dogs in Orlais, so he figured one or two can't hurt him.”
Assan craned his neck up, his lupine ears flying up and tongue rolling out, seeming to nod in agreement. He padded closer, cooing once more as he nudged Davrin's hand and crinkled the bag. Ultimately, Davrin knew he couldn't win, gently unwrapping the ribbon. “You heard him now.” He chuckled, plucking a particularly crumbly, buttered delight with Assan standing to attention. “Don't go thinking you're a pampered prince. You're still a hunter.”
Whatever Davrin said, Assan squawked eagerly, flashing his wings and leaping up to catch the treat with a snap of his beak, all but forgetting what he agreed to. He then brushed his hand down, picked up one of the sandwiches and held it like a chalice. “Ham and jelly sandwiches…reminds me of my recruit days.” He chuckled, to which Aurelius took up his and nodded.
“I wish I was that lucky. Ferelden was my birthright… if there's anything to say about the south is that they love simplicity.” He had a wry grin at that memory. “You'd be lucky if your crust of bread wasn't weeks old and hard as a rock.”
Davrin smiled. “I wouldn't be surprised if that was on purpose. Humble your soldiers with scraps, and they'll serve for life.”
“Not that there was much choice…” Aurelius mumbled, stuck with himself as he stared at his lunch, the jellied ham suddenly not looking as appetizing as it used to. Felt more like slime, ripe from the dumpster. He sighed, his guilt gripping his chest and now his throat. He sat it down, and Davrin took notice.
“What's wrong, Rook?”
All Aurelius could do was offer a wry chuckle and sit his sandwich down in his lap, letting his back lean against the tree behind him for support. His eyes stared far off into the distance, the speech of an apology he promised to deliver seeming so far away now, blurry and out of his grasp. Over the endless horizon, the sky had melted into a bloody red, casting its crimson haze over the woodlands. Sunlight peaked over the cliffs, through the trees, marking crisp shadows and harsh lights over their faces. Although Aurelius couldn't see, the light going white the further he looked, he felt like he was seeing himself, damn near everything clearly.
“You were right... about everything.” He blurted, finally letting out the steep breath that held him hostage. “About me, my motives, my…calling. I wasn't fair to you, Davrin. I thought you just saw yourself as better than me and I didn't want to think that maybe…you had a fair point. I'd say you hit the nail on the head.”
Davrin wasn't saying anything. Perhaps he was stunned, gobsmacked that Aurelius was stepping off of his pedestal. He could see the worse end of it too; a jaded glare that felt justified, dropping the friendly act once and for all. He couldn't bring himself to look one pace to the side and check.
“I am…selfish. Crude. Callous and absorbed in myself.” Aurelius rasped, leaning his head on his perched shoulder. “I wanted what any ambitious elf dreamed of. Glory, recognition, something that could rise above the others and say I was different, that I didn't need to stay a hunter who frolicked among bushes his entire life. For that, I have nothing to show for it. Aside from anger and loathing and…fear.” He bit his lip, cursing himself. He'd been rambling for too long. Selfish indeed.
“It would be like me to lose the point,” He crudely chuckled with grit, grinding his teeth. “What I mean to say is that you did know me. Read my soul the moment we met, and it utterly pissed me off. I treated you terribly when you didn't deserve it… you are a true Grey Warden, a hero, no matter what strange blight is in those arch demons…frankly, I'm glad the legends didn't ring true then.”
Finally, he did turn to Davrin. Whether his eyes were glistening with tears, reddened and puffy could've been the feelings bubbling up to the surface or the sun burning his retinas. Of course, he would've said the latter. Thankfully, the man was blurry so he couldn't make that expression out. It was simply blank and for a moment, he hoped. “You deserve more than my ramblings but…I'm sorry, Davrin.”
In the midst of his clogged senses, Assan let out a concerned purr, nudging Rook under his trembling arm. His breath ruthlessly caught, almost sounding like a silent scream. His fingertips lightly grazed his feather, making him wrench up, snapping his head the other direction. He muttered a silent curse, bringing his sleeve to his eyes. “Fenedhis…”
“Rook…” Davrin's voice felt like a whip to his heart, cracking the glass. He strained more, burying his face deeper. Why did it kill him? What was killing him?
“Rook.”
No, he couldn't. He could hardly bear looking at the blurry reflection of him, so why must he…
“Aurelius.” Davrin called, firmly enough to draw him back into this painful reality. “An apology means nothing if you can't face who you're saying sorry to.”
His eyes rolled heavily, aching as they cursed up at the sky first. He was searching for some why but truly, the why was beside him, so he blinked the rest droplets of his tears and looked back. First at his uniform and then, him. The expression was less cold than he expected, the only firm traits having come from trying to get his attention. When their eyes lingered, finally meeting for a tense moment, Davrin took him by his shoulder with a strong hand, bobbing the man's head so they were closer, their gazes matching each other still.
“Now was that so hard…” Davrin mustered a half smile, his touch trailing up Aurelius' neck where his fingers brushed the base, touching him as if he were handling porcelain. “Listen, I'm not one to hold grudges. I believe you mean what you said. Besides…I should've recognized the weight you have on your shoulders.”
“That's it?” He breathlessly said, furrowing his brows until they pinched. “You forgive me, just like that? I'm still the same person, just because I've realized something doesn't mean I've…”
“The Grey Wardens have brought in worse people. Murderers, burglars, assassins…” Davrin said, dragging his thumb down his nape. “What you're looking for is what we're all looking for, a sense of purpose. Shit, I know I believe it. It's why I was so…angry. Still angry, but you aren't the cause of that. Neither is Lucanis.”
Aurelius casted his head down, feeling like he'd been thrust into a dream. But Davrin was faster than his thoughts, tilting his head to catch him before he could hide.
“Any other grounds I should cover?” He asked, but genuinely, Aurelius felt so twisted up that he didn't know.
“This wasn't for me, Davrin. Well, maybe a little–” Aurelius crumbled with a frustrated sigh, his voice straining against himself, “It wasn't supposed to be. I should be the one asking you all this.”
Aurelius' eyes caught a gentle smile on the Warden's lips, one that was absolutely dangerous considering the position he was in. Something told him Davrin knew this too, but simply loved tiptoing the line.
“You're on the right track, Aurelius.” He told him, with a tone that shattered his heart and again came the warm, tender trail up his neck. Aurelius' eyes drooped and by the sanctity of Mythal – Mythal'enaste – Davrin lifted him up with a firm thumb pointing his chin up towards him, seizing his spirit. “There's nothing you could do better than what you're doing right now. Eolasa?”
The lesson was clear : shut up and listen. It wouldn't be a problem, Davrin had said enough to shut him up and even if he'd said nothing at all, this very essence, this touch he granted him stole his words and even his thoughts from his mind. Truth be told, there always was something about Davrin that grabbed him by the throat and made him watch.
Whether it be his raw bravery and willingness to do what was right, even if it was the very right to bitch at him, or the surprisingly gentle touch he had for keeping creatures – and him, Aurelius felt it no more potent than now. Davrin, being caressed by the thinning sunset, doused with shaded violet, was a softer image than ever before. His eyes… he never paid much attention to the man's eyes before aside from seeing them as perpetually angry – but they now were flushed of animosity, just made of soft, indestructible oak, softening over something and his touch, his thumb stroking mindless circles, up and down his pulse point. The moment was biding its own time with Davrin lingering on, gently pulling him closer and guiding Aurelius to tilt his head.
He followed, like an obedient pup, no short pace behind until he could feel the soft huff from Davrin's nose, the one that was just an inch close to pressing into his cheek, those lips that threatened to claim each other…
Yet, all he could taste however was the rough beak shoehorning itself between the two; Assan perked up with a proud squawk as he gained two kisses at once. They both pulled back, having been snapped out of… whatever that must've been. It felt so close to possession. He cleared his throat, letting out a raspy laugh and giving the griffon a fearsome noogie, making him fall in defeat and let out a dreadful squeal, rolling on his back.
Aurelius tumbled with him, leaning on an elbow and patting Assan's fluffy chest before rubbing his belly. “Oh, so dramatic..” He playfully mused, and Davrin also chuckled, following suit and laying down on Assan's other side, rubbing his tummy in circles.
“Feel better?” He asked, nonchalantly as if the moment they had before was gone to the wind. Somehow Aurelius, for now, was okay with that. “Yeah…I think I am.” He softened into a small smile, threading his fingers through Assan's feathers. “Thank you.”
It felt like somewhere, somehow, they'd touched new ground. A calmer place amidst a storm that had been brewing, tossing both of their feelings here or there. The fog was clearing little by little, and the true sentiments to one another were seeping into every action, every word. Davrin seemed to realize it before Aurelius did, and with a knowing smile, just nodded. “You're welcome.”