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This was it, they were performing in front of what may be the biggest stage they'd ever get and now it was time for Yahaba to sing the last song of the day.
And not just any song but the one he wrote all on his own.
The one about his ex-boyfriend.
The one about Kyoutani.
Their guitarist.
He stood at the front of the stage, Watari on his right side, Kyoutani on his left. He took a deep breath as the music started and he began.
You could be my silver spring
Blue-green colors flashing
The Memory of Kyoutani's eyes flashed before him, the way that they once looked at him, the softness that was reserved for him and him only, or at least he thought so.
I could be your only dream
He remembered Kyoutani's words, all the claims of them being together forever. That he was his one true love, his soulmate. How far away they seemed now.
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing
He remembered their very first date, back when everything seemed so simple. It was a beautiful October evening, October 4th to be exact, he would never forget that date. They went to the beach, the day was still pleasantly warm, not warm enough to go swimming but warm enough to dip ones toes in the water without freezing.
They walked along the beach until they came to a more secluded area. The before endless seemingly sand replaced by big rocks, forming the transition between the beach and a cliff.
They sat there until the sun had fully set, talking about everything and nothing all at once. It was unlike any date he had before and also the one that would stay in is memory the longest.
Kyoutani had called him beautiful that day, another thing that Yahaba would never forget. The way he said it was more like a fact than a compliment. He elaborated by talking about the setting sun making him look gorgeous with it's golden light.
Back then he thought that he had found the one fo him.
And don't you say she was pretty?
It was the first sign.
Yahaba should've seen it and more important, he should've run when he still could, back when his heart wasn't entirely in Kyoutani's grip.
Kyoutani had met up with his ex-girlfriend, he had claimed that nothing had happened, that they were just friends, nothing more. He had claimed that Yahaba was still his one and only.
Oh how foolish Yahaba was back then.
And did you say that she loved you?
An interview with Kyoutani's ex came out. It was when their band had their first big breakthrough and Kyoutani's ex, a popular singer, was asked about him.
She was going on about how sweet he was aback then, that he really loved her. She was taking on and on about how their relationship was the best one she ever had.
But when asked why they broke up all she said was that it just didn't work out.
Baby, I don't wanna know
Yahaba had burnt the magazine that the interview was printed on, he didn't know why but he did.
He never told anyone though, he also never told anyone how jealous he sometimes felt. He envied her, from what he knew from the interview, Kyoutani seemed to always tell her how much he loved her but he never got that.
Not once in the year they've been together at that point did he say it out loud.
Even though Yahaba had.
To this day he often asked himself why never talked with his boyfriend about it, would 've everything ended differently if he had?
So I begin not love you
Turn around see me running
He remembered the first big fight they had, Yahaba had started it. He just felt like Kyoutani wasn't as interested in him as he used to be.
So as a result he told himself that he didn't love Kyoutani anymore, or at least tired to.
He had only started the fight to have a reason to leave, if he was honest. He thought it would be better if he ran before had fallen too deep, before he could get hurt.
But he failed to realize that he had already fallen too deep. He was already stuck on Kyoutani, his love like a drug to him.
So it wasn't really a surprise that they got together again, starting an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together.
I say, "I loved you years ago"
Tell myself you never loved me, no
And so it came again, they fought, nothing new by now, they broke up again, also nothing new.
They would've together soon, it was always that way, never did he even think that this time could be different.
The other band members were worried when they heard of the breakup, the feared that their group wouldn't be able to survive this one, though it had happened so often, it still made them all anxious that this time it really was the end. Both Yahaba and Kyoutani were important members, it wouldn't be the same if either of them left.
But they played it cool, said that they'd be able stay friends.
Yahaba claimed that he had fallen out of love some time ago, everyone knew that he was lying, even himself, but that was the only way he could get over this.
He told himself that Kyoutani never really loved him for that same reason, if he denied that it was never really there then he couldn't mourn the loss of it.
But eventually the did get back together and this time it seemed like it would really work out, the could be together.
But only in private, never in any place that was even remotely public.
And don't say that she's pretty?
And did you say that she loved you?
Baby, I don't wanna know
The next fight was the worst one they had, Kyoutani had cheated on him. He found him in bed with his ex, the one he said he shouldn't worry about.
Yahaba had never been angry like that before, he screamed, shouted, cried, threw things against the wall. It was a mess and he didn't like to think back to that time.
And worst of all, Kyoutani and that slut got back together.
After he had told him that he didn't love her anymore, that all feelings were lost to time.
But that was lie, Yahaba knew it, feelings couldn't be lost to time, or else he never would've been in this position. If feelings could be lost to time, then he would've left after their first fight.
Kyoutani's relationship with his ex was so public, it made Yahaba even more bitter. Because he never got that.
His relationship with Kyoutani was always a secret, his entire demeanor had shifted, as soon as they were in public. Not a single lingering look or a not so accidental brush of their hands.
Nothing.
She got everything, the holding hands in public, the short, sweet kisses at events when they thought that the attention wasn't on them, the songs written about her, songs that Yahaba had to sing.
And Yahaba he got nothing.
Oh, no
And can you tell me, was it worth it?
Baby, I don't wanna know
At least it seemed so at first.
But then, after Kyoutani and his girlfriend were already together for three years, did Yahaba suddenly get a text in the middle of the night.
It was Kyoutani, he had asked to come over. They were on tour and were both pretty drunk from their evening at a bar. Their hotel rooms were directly next to each other and Kyoutani hadn't seen his girlfriend in weeks since their schedules always clashed with each other.
Later, Yahaba blamed it on the alcohol, it was the only way to make peace with his conscious. He felt bad for her even though didn't want to, she did the same to him and never sowed a tiny bit of regret, so why should he?
But he did, and he hated it.
Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me
Time passed, Kyoutani and his girlfriend got engaged, but after that evening in the hotel it happened again and again and again.
His conscious was eating him alive, but he couldn't resist. He had fallen way too hard back then, and now the hole was too deep to even attempt to crawl out.
But still, Kyoutani didn't even spare him a glance when his fiancée was around and after every night they spent together, Yahaba woke up to an empty bed.
He regretted it every time, but he never hesitated to open his door when Kyoutani came back knocking.
I know I could've loved you
But you would not let me
Their wedding was beautiful. Picture perfect. She looked stunning as she walked down the aisle. A stunning white dress hugged her figure perfectly, white flowers adorned her hair.
She was beautiful, a kind of beautiful Yahaba knew that he could never even come close to. He stood beside Kyoutani as one of his groomsmen and held back tears. He wished he stood beside him as his husband to be, but that was a foolish dream he never should've had in the first place.
But it didn't even take a week until Kyoutani was back at Yahaba's door.
Time cast a spell on you
But you would not let me
I know i could've loved you
But you would not let me
After the wedding, their meet-ups were getting rarer, with Kyoutani living with his new wife. But he did call some weekends, the ones he spent at bars. Yahaba knew that the alcohol was talking but he couldn't resist, it's been so long since someone else had talked to him so sweet like Kyoutani always did.
If only he could say it sober.
So he did meet Kyoutani at some motel where no one would recognize them. And once again, he woke up to an empty bed. And this time he would end it. Kyoutani had a wife and Yahaba wouldn't be homewrecker, as much as she didn't deserve that kind of kindness.
He told himself that this would be the last time.
He would find himself someone who actually cared about him, someone who let him love them.
He needed to get over it somehow, needed to get over Kyoutani. So he started to write about Kyoutani, never a whole song, just adding some lines to the songs the band wrote together.
Except for one. He did write one song about Kyoutani all on his own.
He had written it in a fit of rage, the day Kyoutani and his wife announced that she was pregnant. Because as much as he told him that he was over him, a tiny part of him still hoped.
But now hat tiny bit of hope shattered apart, pure rage running through his veins. He'd make him regret everything, make him regret that they ever even went on that first date all those years ago.
He'd make Kyoutani regret it as much as he did.
I'll follow you down 'til the sound
Of my voice can haunt you
And now they stood there in front of thousands of people, and even more watching from live streams.
This was his chance, all the anger, all the feelings he had kept to himself for years, he could finally scream them all away.
He glanced over at Kyoutani for the whole performance but now he turned to him completely, facing him instead if the crowd.
Oh, give me just a chance
His voice got louder, his expression sterner.
He didn't care about all the people already starting to speculate about the meaning of this. They should, he wanted them to know, wanted Kyoutani's wife to know, their little girl should know, he didn't care if it hurt them. He wanted the world to know know, he wanted to let them speculate, he wanted to ruin Kyoutani.
As much as he had ruined him.
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the man that loves you
Yahaba basically stared at the other, not breaking eye contact once, as much as Kyoutani tried to avoid him.
He knew that this song was about him, he must have known. There hasn't been anyone else in Yahaba's life for years.
He knew this song was about him, it was the reason why he was always against performing it live, but this time Yahaba got his way.
Kyoutani may have won the battle but Yahaba will win the war.
Oh, was I just a fool
A rhetorical question really.
He was a fool, such fool. To think that Kyoutani would ever come back to him. He should've known that dream would always stay just that, a dream, a foolish wish.
Now he realized just how dumb he was for sticking around for Kyoutani for that long, for believing that there was even a sliver of a chance that Kyoutani actually loved him.
I'll follow you down 'til the sound
Of my voice will haunt you
He got louder and louder as he continued to stare at him. He wanted this song to haunt him, he wanted for him to think of him every time he listened to a song of their band.
He wanted to make sure he would never forget just what he did.
Give it just a chance
Yahaba was done.
He would never let anyone fuck with him the way Kyoutani had.
He was simply done.
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the the man that loves you.
He was basically screaming by now, all their band mates giving them worried glances. He could already feel their PR manager having a crisis, but he didn't care anymore.
This was for everything he never got, for all the secret touches, for all they could've had if Kyoutani hadn't been such a coward, if he would've let Yahaba loved him.
Time cast a spell on you
He saw the younger version of Kyoutani as he stared at him, the one he fell in love with. He couldn't help but notice all the signs of him aging, the little wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead and even one grey hair at the side of his head.
But you won't forget me
Kyoutani would never be able to escape this moment, it would haunt him for the rest of his life, just as Yahaba had wanted.
Yahaba wanted him to be haunted by the what if's for the rest of his lives, just as Yahaba has been for the past years.
I know I could've loved you
But you would not let me
He wanted Kyoutani to regret ever breaking up with him, he wanted him to stay with his wife for the rest of his lives but never be quite as happy as he could've been with him.
He wanted Kyoutani to one day sit in his living room when he's eighty and think about him.
I'll follow you down 'til the sound
The music faded out and so did the light.
And the show was over with that, the last song they played that day, leaving the crowd speculating, giving the media thing to talk about.
This was Yahaba's revenge.
Because what none of the people in the crowd, nor the other band members he had just stared the stage with knew, was that this was their last performance, Yahaba officially left the band that evening.
The band would never be the same anyway, it would've all gone downhill after this anyway. So better leave now than wait until they inevitable would split up.
Because he wanted to burn out and rather than fade away.