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November 13th 1985
Dear Will,
It’s only been a month since you moved away but it feels longer than that. It’s weird, I think this is the longest we've ever been apart since we became friends. I hope everybody's settled into the new house okay. I wonder how El is doing, I bet its hard not having Hopper around. Even though I didn't love the guy at first (and I still think he's an asshole) that was her dad and he really cared about her. I'm jealous in a way, it feels like theres a big emotional wall between me and my own dad. I can't remember the last time I've argued with him let alone hugged him.
I think it's good she has you guys now, that she has a family.
Oh and I bet Lenora's nice. I don't know what kinds of things there are but I’m sure even the most boring place in California is still more exciting than the coolest place in Indiana. (Which isn't saying a lot) Some people say Hawkins has a “small-town charm” and I suppose that's true... I like how the streets are safe to bike down even late into the night and that even if most of the people here suck, everybody knows everybody. This is usually more annoying than not though because it just makes it seem like everyone's in your business. I can't wait to leave Hawkins someday. It’s too bad everything important to me, well almost everything, is here in this cursed town. Do you think you'll come back to Hawkins or move to the city once you're older?
I think I’d prefer living in the city. Anything beats living here. Sure, I grew up here, we all did, but sometimes I just feel trapped. In more ways than one. Living in Hawkins feels like swimming with sharks with an open wound. They smell blood and come circling before you knew you were even hurt. It's not long before you find yourself in the jaws of the haunted town that raised you.
It’s hard not having you around, the campaign obviously won't be the same without a cleric, and it isn't like we can just replace you. I can't wait for us all to play again together someday, if you still want to, that is. Is it hypocritical of me to want that? Sometimes I think about our fight and how much I regret what I said. Yet, look at me now, wanting to play DnD with everyone when that's all you wanted to do and I shamed you for it. I can be so stupid sometimes. The guilt eats me alive and you'd think as someone who writes as much as I do, I'd be better at saying the right things.
From Mike
December 20th 1985
Hi again Will,
It’s been two months since you moved, or since your family moved, and I’ve been thinking about some things. Things I can’t quite understand so I’ll tell you about what I did today instead. Today I went to the arcade with Dustin, Lucas and Max. It was pretty fun, we played on the machines for hours and shared a pizza afterwards. Max and Lucas are still going strong. it feels weird being the only one here in the group without their girlfriend around. Well, besides Dustin. But then again I guess he does still have a girlfriend even if she's long distance which is sorta what I'm dealing with now, with El in Lenora with you guys now. Do you like anyone at your new school yet?
By the way, I remember how I used to sneak extra quarters into your pocket so we you could play longer. Isn’t your favorite game Galaga? It would be nice to go when you're back in Hawkins.
From Mike
December 25th 1985
Hey Will,
Merry Christmas! It snowed a lot recently so Hawkins got to actually have a white Christmas this year. It’s been a while since we’ve had snow on Christmas so I was pretty surprised. It’s too bad you aren't here to see it. I wonder what this time of year is like in Lenora. I bet people overcompensate for their lack of snow and chilly winter weather with tons of Christmas lights. At least you don’t have to worry about staying warm over there.
Oh yeah, when my mom dragged me to go Christmas shopping with her, I saw this display of an awesome paintbrush set with brushes that looked like wizard wands! It made me laugh a bit how unbelievably you it was. It reminded me of how you would always paint pictures for our campaigns. I totally would have gotten it for you if it weren't sold out. I guess magical art supplies are pretty popular in Hawkins huh. I hope you had a nice Christmas.
From Mike
January 17th 1986
Dear Will,
I’ve been confused lately. For the past few months actually. I miss you. That's not what I'm confused about though, It's normal to miss a friend. It's just that this feels different than the kind of missing I've felt for other friends. I didn't miss Dustin like this when he was at summer camp. Maybe it's just because we're best friends. That makes the most sense anyways, we've known eachother the longest. At least 5 years before we met the rest of the party. Not that it matters.
For some reason though, I can’t find it in me to send any of these letters to you. I’ve been writing to El these past few months instead. I know I should be writing to her anyways because she’s my girlfriend and I care about her but for some reason I can't write to you too. Well, I can, clearly, but I don't have the balls to send any of them. I don’t know what I’m so scared of and why it’s harder to send letters to my best friend than my girlfriend. I guess right now I’m just overwhelmed by my thoughts. What kind of coward can’t even write to his best friend? Me apparently.
From Mike (the Not Brave)
January 29th 1986
Dear Will,
I wish you would call me sometimes. Well more than sometimes, I miss talking to you, I miss your voice. I never thought I would admit that but it isn’t like you’re going to see this anyways (or that I’ll let you see it) So this will stay hidden under my bed right next to the binder stuffed full of your art I still secretly look at when I miss you the way I do right now.
Love From Mike
February 8th 1986
My Dear Will,
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ve heard that before right? I mean it’s a pretty common saying. These past few months since you moved, I’ve had a lot to think about. At first I didn’t understand what this aching after you moved was. Ever since you left with your family that day, I felt hollow. I felt like something’s been missing--like a part of me had been ripped out of myself. I assumed it was just me grieving a friendship which I mean, it was, but I'm realizing it may be more than that.
I’ve been sending El letters when the person I needed to be sending letters to is the one person I couldn't, you.
I have a girlfriend but it’s you that I can’t stop thinking about, it’s you that I’ve been trying to call nearly everyday but couldn't because of your mom's new telemarketing job that clogged the line, and its your art I admire when things get hard. I wish you knew how much I’ve tried calling you these past few months. Then again, maybe it's better you didn't. It's a bit embarrassing how often I tried calling hoping to hear your voice on the other end but never did.
I'm probably wrong about these confusing and complicated feelings. Again, we haven't been apart as long as we are now and you are my best friend which is probably what makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
Crazy together, Mike
February 14th 1986
Dear Will,
I think I'm in love with you.
Today is Valentine's day. What a cheesy capitalistic holiday, sure flowers and chocolates are nice but corporations don't care about romance they only care about money! Do you have a valentine, Will? God, I feel sick. I have a girlfriend and the first person I thought about on the most romantic day of the year was my best friend. I can't even begin to tell you how guilty I feel right now, having all of these feelings for you while being in a relationship with El. It's Valentine's day though so I'll let myself have this, just this one time.
I miss your hazel eyes and soft brown hair, I always thought your bowl cut was cute and how your clothes were slightly too big for you. I miss your concentrated expression when you were focusing on drawing. I miss how we used to hold hands and sit closer than friends "should". I miss sharing a bed, sharing a blanket, sharing secrets, sharing glances that told the other exactly what the other were thinking without needing to speak. I miss your sarcasm. I miss your laugh. I miss our height difference that would make it so I'd have to bend down to hug you. I miss the way we'd melt into eachother in those hugs. I miss protecting you. I don't miss when you were possessed by the mindflayer but I miss falling asleep by your side and offering you comfort as you went to sleep. I miss your paint stains on your clothes, I miss the way you smelled slightly like crayon wax and cigarette smoke.
You know, this actually seems like a fitting letter to include this in but the day you, El, and the rest of your family were packing up your stuff before moving, El kissed me. This wasn't anything new, of course, but this time it was different. She kissed me and told me she loved me but I couldn't do anything except stand there. When she left the room, my stomach churned with guilt. I didn't understand it at the time but I do now, I get why I felt so off when she kissed me but so relieved to hear you wouldn't join another DnD party.
Sometimes when I was kissing El, my mind would wander to you. I think I felt like I had to kiss her because that's what you do in a relationship but it never felt right. I couldn't help but imagine, after a bit, what it would be like to kiss you instead. This made the kissing easier, I'd pretend it was you. When I realized this I felt disgusted and ashamed at first until it was the only way I could kiss El at all. I know it's not right, not fair to her I mean, but I can't help how I feel about you.
Even though she was is my girlfriend, in that moment she missed me in your packed up empty room, I subconsciously felt like I was betraying you. I hadn't felt as heartbroken since the day "your" body was pulled out of the lake. When your car drove away I felt my world falling apart and I didn't begin comprehending my love for you until the months without seeing you or hearing from you weighed on my heart. It's only now that I'm admitting it.
Love, Mike
February 20th 1986
Dear Will,
If you knew how I feel about you, would you think I’m disgusting? Would you even still want to be best friends, or friends at all? Would you even want to associate with me? I think it's just safer and easier to push everything down and stay with El. I know how bad it sounds to say this but it feels good to have this sense of normalcy with her. Maybe someday I won't be so afraid but that isn't now, not yet. I know how the people in Hawkins are, I want something I can never have and it makes me feel like I'm rotting from the inside out.
You know when you accidentally shake or drop a bottle of soda and you don’t want it to explode so you keep it shut tight so the carbonation eventually fizzes down? That’s what this feels like. I have to keep that cap on tight no matter how much I want to drink the soda.
By the way Will, even though you moved 4 months ago, sometimes I’ll turn in class to tell you something only to remember you’re in a completely different state, over 2000 miles away. I know, it's stupid, I just wish you were here.
Love, Mike
February 28th 1986
To my cleric,
I remember when you said you'd never join another party, that it "wasn't possible". Would you hate me if you knew I joined a new party? Okay, not a new party, It's not a replacement at all but there happened to be one at school and I did miss playing so I figured I would join. The leader's name is Eddie, he's pretty cool, very eccentric. I think you would like him. Somehow we got Erica to join, oh yeah Erica Sinclair plays DnD now! Who would have thought. I wonder if your high school has a DnD club.
On another note, do you think about me too? Sometimes I feel ridiculous how much I miss you. I miss you more than a friend should. However much that is. I could just send you a letter, I mean I've written so many already but I can’t even do that. I guess it feels too vulnerable. In a way, letters feel like moments trapped in time, they even have dates in the top corner (like these). To me, letters just feel more sentimental, they feel like physical proof of how someone was feeling or thinking in a certain moment. You don't think when you're on the phone it just comes out, at least that's how it is when I talk. I don't really think before speaking, not like you do. When you write you have to really be intentional about what's going onto the paper, it's not as spontaneous. You can save letters in a box so you ever truly forget them, you can't do that with a phone call.
I think what makes it so difficult to send these is that there's this fear that if I sent these, even if just a few of the less sentimental ones, that too much would slip out, be unintentionally revealed, and you would see me differently. I hate lying, even moreso to you which is why it's easier to just not say anything at all. If I say nothing, there aren't any implications hidden in the letters or scribbled out words or tear stains or paper wrinkles from the frustration of knowing this a life I don't truly want.
I don't think you would judge or humiliate me, but there's the small voice in the back of my mind, the cruel and unrelenting what-if that acts as a poison infecting my mind that keeps me from saying everything I really want to. What if I by sending these letters, by trying to call more, I fuck everything up? I don't want to lose you Will, I can't.
Love, your paladin
March 5th 1986
Dear Will,
Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about you. Your drawings are often some of the last things I look at before I fall asleep. They always gave me a sense of comfort. You were always an amazing artist. Well, are, it's not like you stopped making art. I hope you continue creating beautiful art, and I hope someday I'll get a painting too. I'd cherish it so much the thought of getting something like that from you makes me want to cry.
Love Mike
March 15 1986
Dear Will,
You were in my dream last night. It felt so real that when I woke up I tried to go back to sleep again hoping that I would see you again. No luck. You're actually in an embarrassing amount of my dreams these days. (Or nights for that matter, ha ha ha) I've lost track at this point. I think it's because I think about you so much. I see things that remind me of you, I hear songs I wish I could show you, I miss you so much it physically hurts. I wonder if you've ever had a dream about me. Or anyone actually. It doesn't have to mean something I mean they're just dreams. I know mine mean something but sometimes you can have dreams with completely random people.
El told me, in a letter, about a girl you like? Well, she said she thinks there's a girl you like, and that you're making a painting for her. It's selfish because you've made so much art for me in the past and let me keep all of your old drawings, but a (big) part of me wishes I were the one you were making that painting for, that I were the girl you liked. That would make things easier, I think. Liking Loving you wouldn't feel so wrong if I were a girl. I barely even feel like a man as it is, I'm not into sports or politics or women and I'm nothing like my father. I'm scared of bugs and hate exercising. I can't imagine the disappointment I'd be to my family if they knew I were a queer.
Well, I’m going to see you in a few days. I should be excited. I mean I am of course, I miss you, I miss you so much my stomach does backflips when I think about you. But I'm also terrified that I'll fuck everything up like I wrote about before and that it'll all spill out. I'm scared you'll smell it off of me like its some sort of putrid disease. It shouldn’t be hard to think about what it'll be like seeing you again but nothing has ever been harder than being in love with my best friend and having to live a lie.
Love, Mike