Work Text:
Shinya slumped over his desk, ignoring the mountain of paperwork on it. Kureto had a knack for giving him work at the worst possible moments. He looked at the date and then the time. His calendar showed December 24 and his clock showed 11:50 p.m., which meant that technically, in 10 minutes, it would be Christmas Day. Shinya let out a long sigh. He felt even less like working now.
Christmas... This festive season had died with the apocalypse. There was no one left to sing songs of hope and love, the streets smelled like death rather than roasted chestnuts, and no garlands brightened the long, depressing corridors of the Imperial Army headquarters. Shinya got up to look at the sky from his window. The stars were beautiful in the sky and the moon shone bright white, reflecting in his blue eyes. The night had always been his refuge, no matter his age. This calm and solitary atmosphere isolated him from the world he hated and from his own thoughts. He placed a hand against the frozen glass. Below, at the foot of headquarters, soldiers gathered to celebrate what remained of Christmas, so as not to sink into utter despair.
And Shinya watched them, alone, as always. Always the observer, never the one who was invited. He went and slumped down on one of the couches in his office, consumed by the desire to be the one everyone was looking at for once. Even his friends hardly looked at him anymore. They must have been at Goshi's apartment by now. Shinya hadn't even tried to join them. Before, when they were still 15, they got along wonderfully. They were a happy bunch in a rotten world, facing every obstacle in their path with their teenage enthusiasm. But since the disaster, everything has changed. They had gradually drifted apart, Guren and his squad on one side and Shinya, held back by the Hiragis, on the other.
He didn't belong anywhere. Not a true Hiragi pure enough to really count as one of them, and not an official member of Guren's squad, at least not anymore. There was nowhere he could take refuge and feel like he mattered to someone. That feeling of being held back and suffocated by chains that no one cared about, because deep down, Shinya was never the first choice.
He took a deep breath to ignore the shiver of anxiety running down his spine and decided to search for happy memories in his mind. He had never really celebrated Christmas, living in a nightmare since he was a child.
However, he remembered the only gift he had ever received. Before he was bought by the Hiragis when he was about to turn 5, someone had given him a stuffed animal, a simple stuffed animal in the shape of a white tiger. He didn't remember who had given it to him or in what context, but he had cherished that plush more than anything, ironic now that he knew his demon was a white tiger. The adults who had brought him to the Hiragi center so he could kill other children had allowed him to keep his plush for a while. So Shinya kept it with him during the first few months of his long nightmare. The stuffed animal helped calm the violent panic attacks that seized him at night. But as soon as the examiners decided he was mature enough, they destroyed the plush in front of the empty eyes of the 5-year-old boy he was.
Since then, whenever he felt anxious when he was alone, he would hug his ghost stuffed animal close to him, like a child whose childhood had been stolen from him. That's what he did when the clock struck midnight. He curled up and hugged the invisible air close to him, hoping to ease his wounded heart.
He jumped when someone suddenly knocked on the door, pulling him out of his downward spiral. He stood up and put on his best smile to prevent the person behind the door from seeing his vulnerability. He painfully pressed the handle and opened the door, unable to hide his surprise when he saw who was there.
“Guren? What on earth are you doing here?”
“What? You can walk into my office whenever you want, but I can't?” grumbled the lieutenant.
Shinya let out a small laugh. “Of course I can do whatever I want! I'm your superior!”
Guren let out a sigh and entered the office anyway, royally ignoring Shinya and sitting down on one of the couches. Shinya sat down on the couch opposite him.
“So what brings you here at midnight on December 25? Aren't you celebrating with the others?”
“I just got back from a mission, I'm not in the mood to party,” Guren said simply, looking away.
Shinya could sense that there was a lie behind these words, but this time he didn't have the strength to argue back. Guren was now a shadow of his former self when they were 16 years old. Something in him had changed, and he seemed to carry the misery of the world on his shoulders. He hardly spoke to Shinya anymore, but the major general remained loyal to him because Guren was all he had left and he just couldn't abandon him; it was beyond his strength.
“You still have work to do,” Guren remarked.
“Who wants to work on December 25th anyway? Kureto really has no sense of celebration.”
Shinya tried to make conversation, but his mind was wandering. He stared into space and didn't notice Guren looking at him. The lieutenant got up and sat down right next to Shinya. He took out a package wrapped in a shirt that must have belonged to him.
“I found this in a run-down store,” Guren whispered with a hint of embarrassment. “It was in good condition, so I... Anyway, Merry Christmas.”
Shinya remained in shock for a moment and stared at the package. Had he really just received a gift? From Guren? Receiving a gift, for him, meant a mutual affectionate relationship. His heart beat faster and faster in his chest.
“Open it... let's just end it...,” Guren looked away again."
Shinya began to unwrap the shirt and stopped breathing for a moment when he saw the content of the gift. In the middle of the shirt, a small white tiger stuffed animal stared at him with two big blue eyes. The stuffed animal was a little dusty and damaged at the tip of its tail, but that didn't matter. Shinya couldn't take his eyes off the plush. Words stuck in his mouth, emotion tightening his throat. How long had it been since he had felt something so intensely?
“So... Do you like it?” Guren asked, a little stressed. "I got it because, well... Byakkomaru is a tiger and you seem to like him, so it made me think of you, and then you have white hair and blue eyes, so..."
“Guren,” Shinya interrupted, “it’s... it's perfect. I don't have the words, it's just...”
Shinya hugged the stuffed animal close to him, silent tears appearing in the corners of his eyes. And for the first time in a long time, the gentle smile that graced Shinya's face was real. Of course, the major general couldn't see it himself, but if someone had asked Guren, "What do you have in front of you right now? ,“ he would surely have answered ”an angel, a wonderful angel" without hesitation.
“This is the most incredible gift I've ever received... thank you so much, Guren,” Shinya thanked him with a smile.
"I'm sure you haven't received many, so it doesn't really count. "
Shinya silenced him by leaning over and kissing the lieutenant’s cheek.
“I don't care about anything else,” Shinya said, his voice filled with rare emotion. “What I know is how much this plush means to me. You gave it to me with me in mind. I won't let you talk badly about it.”
Guren immediately relaxed, hiding the slight blush on his cheeks, and began to laugh softly.
“You sound like a girl in love with me.”
Shinya rolled his eyes with a smirk. “You'd like that, wouldn't you?”
“Maybe.”
Shinya, whose daily hobby was tormenting Guren, couldn't think of a response. He certainly didn't expect Guren to be receptive to his romantic teasing. He decided to change the subject so things wouldn't get awkward.
“In the meantime, I don't have anything to offer you in return... is there anything you'd like?”
“Hmm, there is one thing, actually.”
“If you're not more specific, I won't be able to get it for you, you know?”
Guren looked at him with an expression he had never seen on his face before. It was calm and affectionate, as if nothing else around them existed. Shinya clutched the stuffed animal to his chest as if to stifle the fact that his heart was racing like crazy. Maybe Guren was right after all; he was acting like a girl in love.
“What I want is stupid,” Guren announced in a very uncertain voice. “Would you still be willing to give it to me?”
“Stupid? What the hell do you want? Of course I'm willing to do it...”
“I'll do anything for you,” Shinya thought to himself. Guren took a deep breath and leaned toward him, caressing his cheek with a hesitant hand.
“Can I... can I listen to your heartbeat?” whispered the lieutenant.
At first, Shinya was surprised, but he quickly nodded. He had sensed the need in Guren's voice, and whatever the reason behind this strange request, he would never refuse. He lay down on his back, the stuffed animal still by his side, and let Guren lie down on top of him. The lieutenant took him in his arms and rested his head against his chest. It seemed timeless. Shinya allowed himself to run a hand through Guren's black hair, caressing it tenderly. In moments like these, Shinya's heart almost wanted to believe that his feelings were reciprocated, that the love he had felt for Guren since they were 16 might have a chance of being heard, understood, and returned. But he knew damn well that dreams never came true.
They remained like this for a long time, Shinya on the verge of falling asleep. Then Guren got up. Shinya shivered at the loss of contact but hid his disappointment.
“Come on,” Guren said, “I'll take you back to your apartment. You need to catch up on some sleep.”
Without warning, Guren picked up Shinya and the plush and left the office at a quick pace. Shinya tried to protest, but it was useless; Guren was too stubborn. So the major general decided to enjoy this new moment of peace that life had brought him. The corridors were empty; people were celebrating at home. Guren had no trouble bringing Shinya back to his place.
“Do you want to stay here tonight?” Shinya asked him once they were in the apartment.
Guren seemed to consider the question for far too long, so the major general left him no choice.
“I'll take that as a yes. Go take a shower and put on one of my pajamas. I'll wait for you in bed.”
Guren accepted his fate and headed for the bathroom. Meanwhile, Shinya put on his own pajamas and slipped under the covers. He admired the stuffed animal Guren had given him. It looked so much like the one he had as a child that it warmed his heart. He curled up in the blankets with the plush close to him. He wanted to wait for Guren, but, lulled by the comforting feeling of that start of Christmas, he fell asleep with a smile on his lips.
Guren entered the room in complete silence. He stopped not far from the bed to look at the wrapped-up figure of his sleeping beauty. He smiled softly and slipped under the sheets. They had slept together for various reasons over the past few years, but no night had ever felt so peaceful and loving. He couldn't take his eyes off Shinya. The major general always seemed to hide a deep loneliness, a violent pain beneath a perfect smile, but it was in those moments when he let his guard down that Guren found him most beautiful. In a burst of courage, he kissed the forehead of the man who had lit up his life for almost eight years.
“Merry Christmas, Shinya... You have always been my most precious gift, you are the only one I want. I love you.”
-END-