Archive of Our Own ^beta

“And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
Now I know how Joan of Arc felt
As the flames rose to her Roman nose
And her Walkman star-”

There was a tap on his shoulder that sent electricity through his veins. Toge lifted his arms from the lunch table he was cleaning and paused his music, then turning around to see an unfamiliar face, one that looked equally startled.

“Um, excuse me?” the man asked. He was dressed in a crisp white button down with a tie and nice khakis. Meanwhile, everything about his body language screamed that he wanted to run. Interesting. Maybe he was the new teacher Maki was talking about earlier.

Toge paused his music before giving the man a nod, praying that his message got across.

“Well… I tripped over my feet, and I spilled my coffee all over my room and computer. I’d clean it up myself, but it literally got everywhere, and, I’m so sorry I’m a disaster. Um, can you help me?” The man let out a self deprecating laugh as he finished talking.

Toge nodded, gesturing for him to lead the way to his room.

For a second, the man stared at him like a deer in the headlights, but he did as Toge nonverbally asked, turning away and walking towards his room. After a short elevator ride, Toge’s cart in tow, they made it to the English floor. From there, they didn’t have to walk far to get to the man’s room.

“Mr. Okkotsu” said the label on his door. Now, Toge at least sort of had his name despite his own inability to ask…

The sight upon entering his room was baffling to say the least. Coffee coated not only the students’ desks, but Mr. Okkotsu’s as well, even touching his computer.

“I am so sorry. So, so sorry. Please forgive me.”

Toge gave him a nod before starting to clean, starting with just paper towels to soak up the coffee. Seeing his methods, Mr. Okkotsu began to help, laying down more paper towels and letting them absorb the liquid. The two worked in silence, a silence that was strangely comfortable considering the man’s anxious demeanor.

Toge soon moved onto the next step, collecting the paper towels, then beginning to spray and wipe down everything that was spilled on. There was only one rag and spray bottle, so Mr. Okkotsu couldn’t help him with this. It would have been strange if the teacher helped him with this. It was Toge’s job, not his. Most teachers would not have helped him with the paper towels. Did he do that out of some sort of guilt?

“So, how long have you been working here for?” Mr. Okkotsu asked, startling Toge out of his thoughts.

For Toge, this was a lucky question, one he could easily answer with his fingers, an answer that would hopefully clarify to the man that no, he could not speak. Lord knows Gojo didn’t think to tell this teacher that much.

Toge put down his spray bottle, holding up three fingers in response

The man’s eyes briefly widened in what Toge assumed was understanding.

“Three… years?”

Toge nodded.

“Oh, cool.” Toge expected him to start asking questions about his state of speech, but the man refrained. “Sorry to interrupt your work, I’ll let you finish cleaning. Thank you, by the way. I’m Yuuta Okkotsu, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” the man told him as a weary grin took hold of his features.

Toge nodded in acknowledgement before showing the man his badge, which had his name on it. After this, he returned to cleaning.

“Toge Inumaki..” he heard Yuuta mumble to himself as Toge continued to clean. For some reason, it was incredibly pleasant to hear his name in Yuuta’s voice. Toge would deal with the implications of that later. In the moment, he had a job to do.

“Thanks again. I’ll let you get to work,” Yuuta told him before leaving the room.

Toge nodded, hitting play on his music.

“Bigmouth, la-da-da, da-da
Bigmouth, la-da-da-da,
Bigmouth strikes again
And I’ve got no right to take my place in the Human race…”

—

“I met the new guy,” Toge told Maki and Panda during their lunch using sign language.

“How was he?” Maki asked.

“Incredibly anxious and eager to please. He even helped me clean the mess he made.”

“Sounds like someone I know.”

Toge glared at Maki before Panda started talking.

“I sat near him during the faculty meeting. He was fidgeting the whole time and he hardly ever looked up from the table,” Panda explained.

“If he’s so anxious, will he be able to handle the kids?” Maki asked.

“I’m sure they hired him for a reason, Maki. Let him prove himself.”

Maki sighed.

“Whatever, you big softie. I’m gonna go get ready for my next class. The freshmen are playing soccer, so I need to take the pinnies out of the dryer.”

“Good luck, Maki.”

“Thanks. I’ll need it.”

Maki then left, heading towards the gym where she usually taught, though it sounded like she was taking the kids outside today with the pleasant weather.

Toge waved as she walked out of the break room, the teacher break room where Toge usually ate with his teacher friends. There was a separate break room for custodians like him, but he tended to avoid it, and avoid his coworker in general. Mahito was… strange. Very strange. And creepy. Toge hoped he would get fired soon.

Toge soon left as well, returning to his own duties. He would have to wait and see what to think of the new guy, “Yuuta” his brain supplied. What a nice name…

—

Some days later, Toge was sent to the English floor bathrooms to deal with a mess. One of the toilets wasn’t flushing, so they were sending him in there with a plunger. On the way to the bathroom, Toge overheard the voice of the new guy, Yuuta.

“And indeed there will be time
to wonder, ‘do I dare?’ and ‘do I dare?’
Time to turn back and descend the stair
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair-“

Toge could hear the passion in Yuuta’s voice as he read the poem, the way his pitch bobbed up and down with the rhythm of the words. He was supposed to be heading to the bathroom, but he couldn’t help himself from continuing to listen as Yuuta finished reading.

“Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.”

Toge could feel Yuuta bracing himself for a second, and he was terrified he knew this much without looking. He barely knew the man.

“So, what did you notice about the speaker?” Yuuta asked the class. From there, the class rather than Yuuta started talking, and Toge thought he’d better remove himself from where he was pressed up against the wall and go clean the bathroom. He would remember the beauty of Yuuta’s voice, his excitement for the material, for later dates when he could once again linger and listen.

—

“He’s a completely different person in front of the kids,” Toge began to explain. It was lunch time again, the perfect time to gossip.

“Figures,” Maki responded.

“There’s this energy and passion in him. His voice becomes melodic.”

“Oooh, does Toge have a crush?” Panda teased.

Now, Toge glared at Panda.

“He totally does,” Maki asserted, completely deadpan.

“That’s it. I’m killing both of you,” Toge told them. He had to admit that there was some truth to the statement as he thought about it. Despite Yuuta’s awkwardness, Toge always found him endearing. He was relatable in a way;Toge knew if he ever tried to become a teacher, he would be a mess too. But then after hearing him teach… Toge wants to know what makes this man so passionate, what makes him tick. He’s not sure if he wants the man to know him too.

A wheeze of air came out of Toge as Maki thwacked him in the head, the only sound, a strained sound, his throat could make. He was born like this.

“I’m inviting him to lunch tomorrow. He seems nice enough,” Maki explained in too casual of a tone. The glint in her eye did the real talking.

“Fine.” Toge knew he would be shitting his pants, but maybe, just maybe, shitting his pants would be worth it.

—

It seemed that Yuuta, too, was shitting his pants if his face indicated anything.

“Hi, um, thanks for inviting me,” Yuuta told the table as he was taking his seat. “Oh! Hi Toge! I didn’t know you would be here!” Yuuta’s face seemed to instantly brighten upon seeing him. It made Toge want to sink into the floor.

Instead, Toge waved to him in greeting before returning to his food.

“Toge and I have been friends since we were kids,” Maki explained.

“Oh, cool!” Yuuta responded.

There was then a brief silence, an awkward one if Yuuta’s frantic eyes said anything, but luckily Panda saved the day.

“So, Yuuta, how’d you end up way out here?” Panda asked. The school they work at is essentially in the middle of nowhere, far from any city, and most people who work there are from the town, but Yuuta is an exception.

“Well, I got fired very suddenly from the school I was working at in the city. I got fired for reporting some bullies, and as someone who was bullied in school, I- couldn’t stand by and just let it happen. Because of that, I had to find work again quickly, and I got accepted here first. I don’t mind being out in the country. I like how open it is out here,” Yuuta explained. How admirable… People used to pick on Toge. He’d just give them the finger and mentally tell them to eat dirt. It did get annoying, but he eventually scared them enough to make them go away once he proved he was a threat. His trusty lighter and Maki’s barbed words were helpful for this task. God, they were such teenage dirtbags…

“I like that attitude,” Panda responded. “Don’t worry, Principal Gojo doesn’t tolerate bullying.”

“Unless it’s poking fun at his teachers,” Maki added.

“What?” Yuuta asked.

“Like, I bet he just told you to ask Toge for help without even telling you that the guy can’t talk, didn’t he?” Maki asked.

“Well, yes, but, I was surprised but I think it went fine!” Yuuta answered.

“Stop talking about me like I’m not right here,” Toge signed.

“Then act like it!” Maki exclaimed.

“Bitch.” Toge stuck his tongue out at her.

“Whore.”

“Wait. Toge, you use sign language?” Yuuta asked.

Toge nodded, scrunching and unscrunching his hands from where he'd hid them under the table.

“Cool! That makes sense. I’ll learn so I can talk to you too.” Something about his face, about him, was so warm. Toge couldn’t take it.

He shook his head, shaking his hands in front of him.

“No?” Yuuta asked. His face looked so sad…

“You really don’t have to. I know it’s a lot of work.” Luckily, Maki spoke this aloud for him.

“Dipshit can’t just accept something good for once in his life,” Maki added.

Toge stuck his tongue out at her and then Yuuta was talking.

“But I want to. I’m willing to put in the work. I want to know you, Toge, if you’ll let me.” Curse Yuuta and his earnest nature.

“Fine. Do what you want,” Toge responded, and Maki once again dutifully translated.

“Great.” That smile, that determined tone… Yuuta was going to be the death of him.

After lunch, as Toge returned to his duties, he put his music on full blast.

“I know I’m unloveable
You don’t have to tell me
I don’t have much in my life
But take it, it’s yours…”

—

Why do you want to know me?

It was written on a scrap of paper stuck on a desk at the end of the day, the end of Toge’s day. He always kept a notepad on hand since most of the teachers didn’t know sign language, let alone Mahito.

You captivate me.

He found the response the next day. Yuuta’s handwriting wasn’t perfect, but Toge liked the way the letters were all rounded.

What was so captivating about him? He didn’t dare ask. Despite his curiosity, Toge was scared of what the answer might be.

—

It was well past five pm once Toge had cleaned all the other rooms on the floor. All that was left was Yuuta’s. He peeped in the window in the door and saw the man hunched over his desk in concentration. Geez. He was still working.

Toge gave the door a quick knock before letting himself in. He wasn’t going to wait for Yuuta to finish whatever he was doing. No, he was going to clock out on time.

“Oh, hey, Toge. Am I in your way?” Yuuta asked as Toge walked into the room, lugging his supplies with him.

Toge shook his head before beginning to wipe down desks. As he wiped, he thought he caught something in his peripheral vision. When he looked up, he realized his eyes weren’t deceiving him.

“Good,” Yuuta signed. Toge turned himself away from Yuuta to hide the heat that he felt rising into his face. So he really is learning… That bastard, doing something nice for him…

As he cleaned, Toge decided to not put on music. If Yuuta wanted to talk to him, he wanted to know it was happening. Instead of music, the sounds of Yuuta typing and scribbling filled the silence. It was strange just existing with another person, strange how nice it felt. Well, of course it felt nice when there was nothing expected of him conversation wise.

Yuuta finished up his work when Toge was around half way done with his own, startling Toge as he started talking.

“My freshmen just turned in their first paper of the year,” Yuuta began to explain. “So now I have to grade them. I’m proud of them for the work they’ve put into this, especially since they’re still new to text dependent analysis. Not all of them are stellar of course, but now I have a baseline that will help me track their improvement. Some of their ideas were really interesting too.” His voice was relaxing to listen to as Toge cleaned. Toge could hear his passion, but it didn’t feel overwhelming or intense. Rather than a tidal wave, it felt like a small stream trickling out of Yuuta.

“Wait, you probably didn’t care to hear all that, I’m sorry about that. I’ll just-“

Toge looked up and shook his head. He strained his mind for some signs that Yuuta had a chance of understanding already.

“You are good,” Toge signed before yanking out his notepad and pen.

It was nice to listen to you as I cleaned. It was interesting. ‘You are interesting,’ Toge left out. He wasn’t quite brave enough to voice that yet.

“Yeah?” Yuuta asked after reading it. He seemed strangely breathless.

Toge nodded.

“Oh, well, I’m glad. I should probably go. I’ll get out of your hair. See you around, Toge,” Yuuta told him with a shy smile before slinging his bag over his shoulder and leaving the room.

Toge waved bye, and it seemed that Yuuta saw it. Toge swiftly finished his cleaning duties, dusting off Yuuta’s keyboard and computer monitor as his final task, before locking up the room and heading to clock out. As he walked home, he thought about this little piece of Yuuta that he now had. He wanted to keep it safe, to not forget it. If Maki heard about how sentimental he’d gotten, she’d tease him to no end…

—

It was almost October when Toge found Yuuta crying at his desk. His breaths were labored and his head was down, occasionally letting out a choked sound. It eerily resembled what Toge looked like when he cried… Anyways, what to do, what to do… He couldn’t- they had more signs, but it wasn’t- what would he even say?

Hmmm… What might be comforting… Warmth. He always saw Yuuta drinking tea, so maybe… Toge went off to the teacher’s lounge and prepared a mug of herbal tea for Yuuta. This took a bit of time. Hopefully it wasn’t too long…

When Toge returned to Yuuta’s room, Yuuta was sitting up, though his eyes were red rimmed, and everything about his carriage felt tentative.

Toge walked towards Yuuta’s desk, setting the tea down, of course without a word.

“Oh Toge, how do you always- never mind that. Thank you. Today’s been rough.” Somehow, there was now a smile, though a weary one, on Yuuta’s face. Was that his doing? What a wondrous thing.

“What went on?” He kept his signs simple to make sure Yuuta got his point.

“The students can be rascals, and usually it’s fine, but- today a student said something really hurtful to me and- it seems I’ve been unable to not let it get under my skin,” Yuuta explained, his eyes gazing deep into his mug.

“Oh. What they said- know that- you are better than them, because you would not say things like that.” His wording felt a little lackluster, but he wasn’t used to this, and also trying to stick to signs Yuuta might know. Well, somehow it worked.

Yuuta sighed. “You’re probably right, Toge. Thank you, for being here.”

Toge nodded, soon starting to clean, because what was he supposed to do with this? How was he supposed to handle Yuuta smiling at him like that?

He put his music on again after leaving the room, doing what he always did to handle anything. 

“Panic on the streets of London,
Panic on the streets of Birmingham
I wonder to myself
Could life ever be sane again…”

—

As the year began to progress, Yuuta stayed late more and more often grading papers, meaning that Toge saw him more and more often. Well, of course Toge had to snoop and listen to him teach on occasion, but he tried not to do that too much, and that was neither here nor there. Sometimes when Toge came in to clean, Yuuta would be hard at work, others Toge would listen to the man babbling about literature or whatever his heart desired to talk about that day. Yuuta also became more knowledgeable with sign language over this time, and it was good to have the man be able to understand him.

As the first semester was finishing up, it began to take a toll on everyone, even Toge. The students were becoming more careless with their cleanliness with the stress, and that meant more work for Toge. On top of that, the colder weather meant that Mahito was spending more time indoors (and driving Toge crazy). If only Hanami didn’t strictly work outside—he’d take her over Mahito any day.

Anyways, Toge had a shit day. The cafeteria was especially messy and Mahito wouldn’t get out of his hair until their work divided. Well, it must’ve shown when he made it to Yuuta’s room.

“Rough day?” the man asked at the sight of him. Geez, did he really look that bad?

“You… really don’t look great…” It was a wonder that Yuuta was able to just read him like that, though Toge didn’t have much time to dwell on the thought. “Wait! No! You- you’re- pretty, Toge, you’re always pretty, but you look like you’ve been hit by a bus.” Yuuta thought he was pretty?…

Toge cast his eyes to the floor in an attempt to avoid whatever that was, hoping that by some miracle the other man would not notice the heat rushing into his face.

“Sorry about- whatever that was. Anyways, rough day?” Yuuta asked again.

Toge looked back up and saw such genuine concern in those blue eyes. He realized he didn’t have to be on high alert anymore. He let his shoulders slump and his arms hang and his body give. With a quick flick of his chin, Toge nodded.

“I’m sorry. Is there anything in particular bothering you?” Yuuta asked. Toge noticed in these past few months that Yuuta kept giving him opportunities to open up and talk about himself, yet he never seemed offended when Toge didn’t take them. It made something in Toge feel so warm. So, so warm.

“Mahito’s been on my ass,” Toge explained. By now, Yuuta definitely knew enough sign to understand him, and it made him feel seen. What a wondrous thing...

“Oh. I’m sorry. I always thought he was a little weird.”

“He is. He is unsettling.”

“Well, I hope I can provide a good break from him.”

Toge nodded, beginning to clean. As he cleaned, Yuuta graded papers. Settling into their familiar routine allowed the anxiety to lift off his chest.
As he finished up, he realized he didn’t just smell chemicals. He also smelled something… warm. Huh.

He looked up, and sitting on Yuuta’s desk was a paper plate with a warm chocolate chip cookie on it.

“It’s been a hard day, so I thought I’d get you a treat. I didn’t bake this, but I did send it through the microwave. I already got and ate one myself, don’t worry.”

Toge swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat that didn’t even work.

“Thank you,” Toge responded before walking over and grabbing the cookie.

“Of course. You deserve it.” His smile was just so warm. It felt that in that look, Toge would be swallowed whole.

Instead, Toge swallowed a bite of cookie and gave Yuuta a thumbs up as he chewed.

“I’m glad you like it.”

Toge nodded as he continued to work on his cookie. The two sat in a comfortable silence as Toge finished it up, and the two left the school together in a steady hum.

—

With winter break came some respite. While the teachers were off, Toge still had to go to work. It was pretty chill without any students around to make a mess of the place, though it also felt lonely.

Luckily, Maki had a plan, a plan that she informed him of via text message.

Maki: Rip Off is playing at the Newcom. We have to go. You should invite your boy.

Toge: Yes! …my boy?

Maki: Don’t play dumb with me. You know who I’m talking about.

Toge sighed, though of course Maki couldn’t hear that over text.

Toge: I don’t know if he’d be into that sort of thing, but sure, I’ll invite him.

Maki: Good. See you there.

Toge then began a whole new string of texts to one Yuuta Okkotsu.

Toge: Hey, Maki and I are going to see this band that’s playing at the Newcom tonight. You should come.

Yuuta: Oh cool! Sure I’ll come! See you there!

Toge: See you. :)

When the day came, it was clear that Yuuta had no idea what he was getting into. His outfit was similar to one he might wear to school: a sweater, jeans and sneakers. To be fair, this sort of music was not the kind of thing Toge would listen to at work, and thus Yuuta would hear about. His love for metal has faded since his teenage years, but it hasn’t extinguished, especially with Maki around to help keep it alive.

Maki laughed at him upon first seeing him at the theater.

“Did Toge not tell you what kind of concert this is?” she asked.

“No? Am I underdressed?!” Yuuta asked. Meanwhile, Toge wore black ripped skinny jeans with a loose, revealing tank top and black converse (with a coat slung over his shoulder because of the weather). Similarly, Maki wore a tight black top with loose ripped pants and black boots.

“No, it’s fine,” Toge quickly reassured, “though you might get hot.”

Yuuta laughed.

“Oh. Well, thank goodness I have a shirt on under this.”

Toge nodded. The group soon went into the building. Maki went to get them drinks while Yuuta and Toge scouted out a place to stand. It wasn’t a big venue. It was old and poorly lit, but it served its purpose and survived through the graffiti on its walls.

“You know, Toge. You look- um- really nice,” Yuuta told him while they were alone. Oh. Toge prayed the dark space would cover any redness crawling onto his face, though based on Yuuta’s face, it seemed the low lighting wouldn’t do much for him.

“Thank you. You too,” Toge answered. He hoped Yuuta could see his signs in the dark.

In response, Yuuta smiled, and it was so bright and blinding that Toge felt his insides melt. Damnit… Luckily, Maki was soon back to save him with drinks.
Maki wordlessly handed them beers, which Toge gratefully sipped on as they waited for the show to start. The buzz of the alcohol helped sooth the butterflies in his stomach, which was quite the relief.

Eventually, Rip Off came on stage and started playing. Their singer, Nobara, greeted the audience before launching into their first song. Toge watched as Yuuta completely stiffened at the sound of the intense guitar and screaming.

Toge tapped him on the shoulder before asking,

“Hey, you okay? If it’s too much for you, we can leave.” He signed with one hand (his beer was in the other) in dim lighting, so he could only pray…

“No, no, it’s fine! I’ll get used to it. I don’t want to make you leave,” Yuuta signed in response, also one handed, with a nervous laugh. It made sense for him to be signing with how loud it was. The only things audible were the noises of people and the music.

“Are you sure? I’ve seen them so many times. It’s fine.”

“I’ll be okay, Toge. I swear. I think they’re growing on me.” There was this smile on his face… god, Toge was so gone for him.

“Whatever you say.”

True to his word, Rip Off did seem to grow on Yuuta. By the end of the night, he was jumping and dancing with everyone else. He would have made a true raver proud. Hell, he made Toge proud. He was so beautiful to watch, to the point that Toge was distracted from his own reverie.

“Loverboy,” Maki teased at some point during the concert.

Toge stuck his tongue out at her and gestured to the stage. “says you,” was his message. Maki couldn’t take her eyes off of Nobara if she tried. Right on cue, after Toge gestured to her, Nobara looked at Maki and made a ‘call me’ gesture before pointing back stage. Toge watched as Maki swallowed and nodded. He was going to drag her backstage even if it meant he got beat to hell after.

“Thank you all!” Nobara exclaimed after they finished their set. “I hope we’ll see some familiar faces next time we’re in town.” Nobara then winked before the lights went out over the group, indicating that the show was over.

Maki was trying to leave, that bitch. Toge grabbed her arm and stayed put. He wasn’t letting her leave this place without seeing Nobara.

“You asshole,” Maki told him.

Toge gave her a flat stare. He couldn’t sign while grabbing onto her.

“What’s going on?” Yuuta asked. Of course the guy missed the blatant flirting. Of course he did.

“The singer did a motion gesturing me to meet up with her after and Toge’s not letting me leave until I do,” Maki luckily explained.

“Oh. I think that’s rather kind of him. If the singer truly invited you, you should shoot your shot, Maki. You deserve love,” Yuuta responded.

“Shut up,” Maki responded while very pointedly staring at the floor. They stood and waited together a few minutes more, until enough people had cleared out the place and the group of them then headed back. Toge had to drag Maki. He was lucky he had such a strong grip.

There was a guy with pink spiky hair guarding the door to backstage. He seemed strangely nice for being this kind of security. Usually it was some large man with severe resting bitch face, not someone so… bouncy.

Maki wasn’t explaining herself and Toge couldn’t do shit. Shit! Now the guy was looking at them all confused! Toge sent a desperate glance Yuuta’s way.

“You know this area’s only for the band, right?” the pink haired guy asked.

“Yes, sorry, well, the singer made a gesture at my friend Maki here inviting her backstage,” Yuuta explained, and with this explanation, Toge was able to breathe again.

“Oh! Of course! Right this way!” The pink haired guy pointed as he opened the door. There was visible recognition in his face. Maybe he knew about Nobara's end of the situation. They followed the direction he was pointing, and they found the band packing up. The singer was easy to spot, as she instantly lit up as soon as she saw Maki.

“Yes! It’s you!” she exclaimed, rushing up towards Maki. “What did you think of the show?”

“I liked it,” Maki answered in that flat tone of hers.

“Good. Want to come grab a drink with me after we’re done cleaning up?” Nobara asked.

Toge stared Maki dead in the eyes and nodded his head up and down. He needed her to know that if she said no to this girl she clearly liked, he was going to kill her. He was going to her house with a knife.

“Sure,” Maki somehow managed to make come out.

“Yes! Sit tight, we’re almost done,” Nobara explained.

“We should probably leave now,” Toge told Yuuta.

“You’re probably right,” Yuuta answered. With that the two of them turned around. As they walked back out the door, the guy guarding it greeted them.

“Hey, thanks for encouraging your friend to go back there. Nobara’s always talking about this cute girl she sees when we stop here and finally worked up the nerve to do something about it. I appreciate you guys. I’m Yuji Itadori, by the way.” He had a warm smile and he bounced from one foot to the other as he talked. It seemed his bouncing was more literal than Toge could have imagined.

Toge nodded in response before Yuuta began to speak.

“Of course! We’re all very lucky that Toge here noticed the singer, Nobara did you say? gesture to her, or else this may have never happened. I’m Yuuta Okkotsu, and my friend is Toge Inumaki, by the way,” Yuuta explained with that shining smile of his.

“Thank you Toge! I am in your debt!” Yuji exclaimed. “How about I buy you two drinks as repayment?”

Toge frantically nodded his head. Statistically, they would probably be tagging along with the band as they went and got drinks, and that would be a good chance to make sure Maki was doing what she was there for. He’d also been a fan of the band for a while and enjoyed going to their concerts, so it would be cool to be able to meet and talk to them. Would he be shitting his pants the whole time? Absolutely, but it would be worth it, and hopefully having Yuuta there would help… right?

“Ok! I think the band’ll just be a few more minutes before they’re ready to head out, but we’ll head out when they’re ready!” Yuuji explained with that casually cheerful tone of his. “Anyways, do you talk at all, Toge?”

“I use sign language, which you probably don’t understand, so I’ve been letting Yuuta do the talking,” Toge explained. People have asked similar questions too many times for him to not be prepared.

Yuuji’s blank stare was all Toge needed to know, and it seemed Yuuta also got the message.

“Toge said he uses sign language, which he assumes you don’t know, and so he’s been letting me do the talking,” Yuuta translated.

“Oh! Ok. But you can hear me?”

Toge nodded, internally sighing at the typical question.

“Great! I’ll try and pick up some sign language if we see each other more!” Yuuji responded.

Toge gave him a thumbs up since that wouldn’t have to be translated.

Soon enough, the group was off to a bar. Toge wasn’t sure which one, but he had an idea since there were limited options in town. During the walk, Toge stuck close to Yuuta, feeling just a little shy around the band while likely not having much of an ability to talk to them. Maki was up ahead with Nobara somewhere. It seemed like Nobara was chatting up a storm while Maki nodded along. Typical. Toge hoped Maki would open up a little more soon. Maybe some alcohol would help.

“Are you excited?” Yuuta asked as they walked.

Toge nodded. Having a chance to talk to this band he liked was amazing. He only hoped that he would be able to do just that. Thank goodness he had Yuuta with him.

“Great. I’m nervous about making a fool of myself, honestly. I already look out of place in my sweater while you all are dressed so cool. You guys are all so cool!” Yuuta exclaimed. He was a little loud on that last utterance.

“Thanks!” Nobara called back to them from up ahead before continuing her conversation with Maki. It seemed she was the loudest in the band. Everyone else was pretty quiet, but they followed her lead, starting with Kamo and Momo, and thanked Yuuta.

“See?” Yuuta whispered in Toge’s ear once that was done.

Toge couldn’t help but laugh. It was a breathy thing, and when he was done, he saw this look of wonder on Yuuta’s face… what?

“You look adorable, and if that interaction meant anything, you’ll be just fine,” Toge signed.

It was Yuuta’s turn to laugh, and it was Toge’s turn to be amazed at the sound that was so beautiful every time. Especially if he caused it, and especially if it wasn’t self deprecating.

“Whatever you say, Toge.”

Toge grabbed and squeezed Yuuta’s hand in reassurance. He needed the message to get through somehow.

When Yuuta squeezed back and never let go of his hand, Toge tried and failed to keep his heartbeat at a normal rate.

-

They made it to the bar soon enough. The group all settled at a table. Thank god Toge was next to Yuuta. On his other side was the band’s drummer, Muta if Toge remembered correctly, and across from him was the keyboardist, Momo.

Muta sat on the end of the table, since that’s what was easiest with his wheelchair. As someone who was also disabled, Toge was so curious as to how he navigated his disability (whatever it exactly was that was going on with him, let alone his wheelchair use) while in a metal band. Let alone, he had so many questions for the others. Now it was just a matter of expressing it (and getting over his own shyness).

“Toge, are you okay?” Yuuta asked. Bless his heart.

“I feel like a live wire,” he answered honestly. He wasn’t sure if he would have given that sort of answer to anyone else. After signing this, he felt eyes on him, and to his surprise, he looked over and saw that it was Muta. After receiving a nudge from Momo, Muta began to speak.

“Was that sign language?” Muta asked.

Toge faced Muta and nodded.

“Are you mute?” Muta asked. Damn, that was direct. After another nudge from Momo, he added on “Sorry if that was rude. Ask me whatever you want,” in a quieter voice, like he was shameful of asking the question.

Once again, Toge nodded.

“Have you always been?”

Again, Toge nodded, and longed for an easier way to say more.

Muta laughed. It was a dry, ragged thing.

“I, too, was born this way; So defected my parents threw me in the trash.” Oh. That’s- well, Toge knew a thing or two about that. He believed it too. If his memory served him correctly, Muta was missing part of both of his legs along with part of his arm. With his wheelchair use, Toge suspects he also might be paralyzed, but he might just have other issues making it difficult for him to use prosthetic legs. Next to him, Momo squeezed Muta’s hand, and he squeezed back. It didn’t seem romantic to Toge, but who was he to know?

“Mine weren’t- wait, do you sign?” Toge began before catching himself. Muta probably couldn’t understand him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know much sign, but I’ll try and learn more before we come back, though with my damn arm I doubt I could use it,” Muta explained, holding up his prosthetic arm. He looked remorseful, and for once, Toge actually believed someone was going to try for him. He looked over, and Yuuta had begun talking to Kamo.

Toge held up a finger to Muta before tugging on Yuuta’s shirt sleeve.

Yuuta whipped around.

“Yes?”

“‘Terp for me? Please?”

“Oh! Sure!”

Turning back towards Muta, Toge began to sign again, though he made sure to face so that Yuuta could see his signs as well.

“My parents weren’t much better.”

Yuuta said the words as he signed them, and it was a little terrifying. He knew what he was supposed to do?!

“I- learned how to ‘terp for you, Toge. I hope that’s okay.”

Toge nodded, wishing he could hide the damn heat coming into his face.

“So what you said is what Toge was signing as you said it?” Muta asked.

“Yep,” Yuuta answered. His boy (god why did he call him that?!) seemed nervous, but like he was powering through. Toge squeezed his hand under the table, and Yuuta smiled.

“Ok. That’s rough. We made it without them.”

Toge nodded before he began signing. As he signed, he felt himself hesitate at points, but he forced himself through it. He tried to tell himself that it was okay. Muta said he could ask questions!

“Is it hard navigating venues as a wheelchair user?” Yuuta did his job, and Muta heard his question loud and clear.

“God, it’s so shit. There have been multiple times where I’ve had to be lifted onto the stage by the band. Many others where I could not get to the dressing rooms, let alone my allergies. Have you struggled with your job?” Toge could hear the frustration and cynicism in Muta’s tone, and he could sympathise.

“That’s rough. I’m a janitor at the local high school, and I purposely picked a job that involved very little talking. I’ve got a coworker who’s a shit but really that’s the worst of it.” As Yuuta spoke Toge’s words aloud, Toge realized that his voice sounded different than usual. It was like he didn’t sound like himself. Was it because they were his words rather than Yuuta’s own?

“Would you pick something else if it weren’t for your muteness?”

“I- am not sure. I haven’t allowed myself to think much about that. Things are how they are and I don’t think it’s good for me to dwell on those what ifs.”

“You’d be such a good teacher, Toge,” said Yuuta after he finished talking for Toge. Toge could hear in Yuuta’s tone when he switched to his own words, and it seemed to him that Muta did as well.

Such a good teacher…

“Shut up.” His motions weren’t sharp. They weren’t menacing. It was more of a ‘please don’t make me think about that. Please don’t make me think about how much you mean to me.’ Yuuta didn’t seem too fussed.

“Alright, I’ll stop bothering you about that if you really want me to,” Yuuta responded.

“It’s not easy, but if you get the right accommodations, you can do whatever you damn please. You’re allowed to dream, Toge,” Muta told him.

What would he dream of? What would he even want beyond his normal life? It was comfortable. He enjoyed being able to see his friends on the daily, and Yuuta of course. The work was monotonous, but he kept himself entertained with music and podcasts and such. He realized he liked the life he’d carved out for himself. Did he want to change it?

“Whatever you say,” he responded. He would have to think on it.

The rest of the night went smoothly. Toge also got to talk to Kamo and Momo, and it was nice to get to know the band. Maki and Nobara seemed to be preoccupied with each other for most of the night. As their time progressed, Maki seemed less guarded, and Toge wondered if it was the alcohol, though he was happy for her nonetheless.

The group walked out of the bar as it closed around 2 AM. They headed back towards the venue, where the band’s vehicle was, and it was there that they parted ways.

“Bye! Please text me, Maki!” Nobara called as she headed into the band’s van.

Maki waved in response.

Other members said their goodbyes as they climbed in as well. Muta wheeled himself up a ramp at the back of the van.

“See you next time,” he said, looking at Yuuta and Toge.

Toge nodded and waved.

“It was nice to meet you all!” Yuuta exclaimed. God, he was so… He won the politeness award of their group. Toge loved him.

And then he and Yuuta were walking home together, eventually along the dirt road. The way ahead was long and flat and the stars twinkled above them.

“You know, I’m really glad you invited me, Toge. Although I was a bit overwhelmed at first, I had a great time, and it was really cool to be able to meet and talk with the band after. Thanks so much for inviting me,” Yuuta told him. The stars lit the way as they walked, but it was still dark without street lights. Toge didn’t trust Yuuta to see his signs, and so reluctantly, he began to type.

Toge: Maki told me to invite you. Thank her.

Yuuta startled as his phone buzzed, scrambling to yank it out of his pocket and read what Toge said.

“Oh. Then why didn’t she invite me herself?” Yuuta asked.

Toge didn’t dare answer. ‘Because she knows I have a crush on you and wanted me to make it a date. Because I am a coward,’ he thought, though he didn’t dare voice it. Voicing any of his thoughts was an ordeal anyways, well, unless people knew sign, like Yuuta. Yuuta had taken all that time to learn his language for him all while being an English teacher and having so many papers to grade and, god. Toge didn’t feel worth it. He stayed silent.

The two fell into silence. They walked along. Yuuta’s question remained unanswered, and the stars laughed at them from above. And then Toge felt a hand reach for his own and squeeze. There was nothing he could do but squeeze back and hold tight. He knew Yuuta was looking for reassurance and he’d be damned if he didn’t give it to him.

“I’m still glad you invited me,” Yuuta blurted out of the blue.

Toge looked towards him, raising a brow in question.

“I really am. I get to be with you here and now. If Maki did it, she would’ve driven me home. It’s a beautiful night, you know, and-“ Yuuta paused, shaking his head.
Toge watched as Yuuta’s hands balled into fists, and he could hardly stand seeing those lovely hands balled into fists, and so he took one and kissed it. ‘It’s okay. You’re so beautiful and shining in the starlight. I want to see your smile and the twinkle in your eyes,’ he attempted to say with the press of his lips.

Yuuta’s eyes widened and he stumbled backwards.

“Toge…” there was fear in his voice. Was he scaring him off?! Of course he was scaring him off. No one would ever want Toge like that anyway. God, why did he do that?!

Toge ran away, sprinting to his apartment, which wasn’t too far now. He could vaguely hear Yuuta chasing him, but he never caught up. After all, Toge is a speed demon. Once he made it into his apartment, the buzzer rang, and then it kept ringing. Toge didn’t answer it. He didn’t dare.

—

“And I know it’s over, still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over and over…”

The sound of the Smiths echoed against his walls as Toge curled himself into a ball. He has spent minimal time out of his bed outside of work and he didn’t have it in him to change that. Of course he had to go and ruin everything… He was hoping to not have to see Yuuta until school started back up, but he should’ve known better. Panda was hosting New Years Eve, Yuuta was invited, and Maki was going to drag his ass there if he didn’t show up by his own volition. Damnit.

Well. He would have to get dragged. The buzzer was going off nonstop, and Toge couldn’t be damned. He wanted to keep wallowing in a hole of his own patheticness.

And then his phone started ringing while the buzzer went off. Damnit, fine! Toge picked up to hear Maki yelling at him.

“I don’t know what the hell happened to turn you into a recluse, but stop sulking and get your ass outside. We can talk about it in the car.”

Toge breathed into the speaker as acknowledgement and ended the call. After throwing on a sweater, jeans, and sneakers, he left his apartment and met Maki in her car.

“Shit Toge, you look like you’ve been run over.”

Toge nodded. He knew the bags under his eyes weren’t pretty.

“What the hell happened?” Maki asked.

Toge sighed before beginning his spiel.

“Yuuta and I were walking back from the concert, and then we fell into silence after I didn’t answer his question and he held my hand, but he started talking about how he was glad I invited him and was being all mushy, but he then cut himself off and his mood visibly soured, so in a fit of 2 AM delirium, I took his hand again and kissed it, but- he said my name with this fear in his voice and I knew I messed up, so I ran.” It was times like this that he was glad to have Maki. There was no one else to whom he could have gotten this off of his chest like this, let alone so smoothly.

Maki sighed.

“I think you two need to explicitly talk about your feelings. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. This has to be a misunderstanding, Toge.”

“But Maki he sounded so afraid! What if he doesn’t want to see me again?!”

“Then he can leave the party. You’ll be fine, Toge.” And with that, she started the car, driving the two of them to Panda’s.

Okay, maybe Toge had to be dragged out of the car once they got to Panda’s. Maki had a firm grip on his arm, though Toge didn’t offer much resistance. She rang the doorbell, and Panda swung it open terrifyingly quickly.

“Maki! Toge! Welcome! Come on in!” Panda exclaimed as he moved out of their way. Sitting on the couch already was Yuuta, who offered them a shy wave. As Toge looked him over, he realized that Yuuta didn’t seem much better than himself. The man’s eye bags somehow looked worse than usual and his hair was a mess. Was this his fault?

Toge waved in return and quickly assessed where he might want to situate himself. Screw how he felt, but he was unsure if proximity to Yuuta would make him feel better or worse. He settled on compromising, sitting in a chair right by Yuuta rather than squished against him on the couch. He honestly wasn’t sure if he could take that kind of proximity. Yuuta didn’t move away. Phew. He didn’t know if his heart could take that.

“I propose we play a game,” Panda declared.

“What game?” Maki asked.

“Mario Kart, of course. Oh! Let me grab the snacks. I have drinks in the fridge, just help yourselves,” answered Panda before he moseyed off into the kitchen and grabbed chips and dip, a plate full of cheese and crackers, and bowl of popcorn.

Toge immediately reached for his beloved popcorn. Panda then turned on his wii and loaded up Mario Kart. Maki picked rainbow road first, and for that Toge knew for a fact that she was evil. She beat him by a hare. Of course. As they continued to play, Toge could feel his body relax. It was nice to spend some quality time with friends and just, forget about how his life was a mess for a little while, forget that he hadn’t talked to Yuuta in several days. He still wondered what he’d even dream of. Damn Muta.

Then, after so many races, the group got bored of Mario Kart and turned the tv off. Without warning, Maki was grabbing his arm, and Panda was grabbing Yuuta’s, and they were shoved out the door.

“We’re not letting you two back inside until you make up. Good luck making it back inside before midnight,” Maki told them as she shut the door in their faces, locking it behind her.

“Have fun!” Panda called.

“Well, so much for forgetting that ever happened,” Yuuta commented. Like Toge, he was wearing a sweater, but damnit it was cold! Winter in this town wasn’t merciful. Yuuta was shivering, and Toge felt his teeth starting to chatter. He was short and skinny and, really, he never handled the cold well. If only he had any clue what to say, how he could possibly amend this situation. He had the words with Yuuta, he was just at a loss on how to use them.

Before he could truly decide that, tears began to run down Yuuta’s eyes as he began to gasp and hiccup. Toge was not a monster, and so he wrapped his arms around the taller man, letting him cry into his shoulder. Toge held him. Yuuta tried to talk as he cried, but Toge shushed him. They could talk once Yuuta calmed down. For the moment, he let Yuuta cry it out.

With one last huff of air, Yuuta straightened and wiped his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Toge. I didn’t mean to scare you off that night. I- love you. Like- romantically.”

Toge felt the wind knocked out of him with the statement. He was frozen in shock.

“I think in that moment, when you kissed my hand, I just couldn’t believe you could ever- well- think I was that precious. You kissed my hand as if I was precious, and I’ve had things happen to me in the past, like being bullied for one, that have made it hard for me to believe that people would- well- care about me like that.”
Yuuta loved him. Yuuta loved him. He couldn’t say it back. He’d never be able to say it back. Sure, he could sign it back, but it wasn’t the same! How…

Toge reached up, grabbing Yuuta’s chin and pointing it down towards him.

“Toge?” Yuuta mumbled.

Toge pulled Yuuta’s chin closer, asking for permission. Once he felt Yuuta’s face approaching his own out of his own volition, Toge closed the gap and kissed him. He poured everything into the touch that he couldn’t say.

After a good fifteen seconds, Yuuta pulled back, gasping for air.

“Toge, I think I understand, but I want to be for sure.”

“I love you too, Yuuta. I do think you’re that precious. I heard fear in your voice that night, and I took that as rejection, and so I ran. I also have had things happen to me that make this hard to believe, you know. I’m sorry I was a coward.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t blame you. I’m sure I would have also high tailed it. We also have great friends, and so we’re here now, right?”

Toge nodded, burrowing himself into Yuuta’s side.

“Oh geez, you’re freezing! I should’ve known with your cold fingers on my face. As much as I’d love to spend some more time alone with you, we should probably get back inside, yeah?”

Toge sighed, yielding. His fingers were turning white (damn reynaud’s disease).

“Maki! Panda! We made up! Please let us back in!” Yuuta called.

“Did you turn back into a man through true love’s kiss?” Panda teased through the door.

“Yes! It’s freezing! Please let us back in!”

The door unlocked with a click, and the two of them were herded inside, curled up together on the couch, and burrowed themselves in blankets.

“This is why I’m the best wing woman,” said Maki.

“Excuse me, remind me who had to drag you backstage to talk to the lead singer you’ve been pining for when she literally gave you the ‘call me’ gesture?” Toge asked.

“Lead singer? Why did no one tell me about this?” Panda asked.

“The concert you didn’t go to because you hate metal,” Maki explained.

Panda nodded sagely.

“How’s Nobara anyways? Do you know where Rip Off is right now?” Yuuta asked.

“They’re performing, of course. Some town like an hour from here. I think they’re based like 30 minutes south of us,” Maki answered.

“I hope they enjoy that, and I hope people go,” Yuuta said.

Toge nodded.

“Wait, Yuuta, I thought you didn’t like metal?” Panda asked.

Yuuta laughed.

“Well, Toge invited me, and I also wasn’t told it was metal. I think it’s grown on me,” Yuuta told him with a smile.

“God, you two are disgusting,” said Maki.

And then the ball dropped on the tv, and Toge would be damned if he didn’t get his new years kiss. This was also perfectly timed retaliation. Toge grabbed Yuuta’s chin, smashing his lips against his own. They soon settled into the kiss, and Toge felt their lips sticking together as they pulled apart. He then stuck his tongue out at Maki.

“Why did I cause this?” Maki asked herself, and then her phone buzzed. She yanked it out of her pocket. As she looked at it, Toge watched as her face slowly brightened.

“From the band,” she told the group as she showed them her phone. It was a snapchat selfie of the band backstage somewhere. “Happy New Year!!” the text read. It was from Nobara.

“Let’s send one back!” Yuuta exclaimed.

“Fine,” said Maki as she positioned herself to take the selfie. Toge, Yuuta, and Panda were careful to make sure they were in frame, and so a similar image was sent in return. “Happy New Year” the text read. Toge and Yuuta were still on the couch as Maki and Panda peeked into the image.

~~~

“Guys!” Nobara exclaimed. “Maki responded to my snap!” Nobara declared.

Yuuji gasped. “What did she send?!”

“I’m getting to that!” Nobara unlocked her phone with lightning speed, and staring back at her was a selfie of Maki, Yuuta, Toge, and someone else in a well lit living room. “Happy New Year” the caption read. Maki was smiling at the camera, and it seemed confident, almost devious. Hot. Man, she was fucked for real, for real.

“Look at what Maki sent me!” Nobara exclaimed as she showed the selfie to her bandmates and crew (Yuuji). Most of their faces didn’t change much. Besides herself and Yuuji, her bandmates weren’t very expressive, but she’d long gotten over that. She could absolutely bring all the energy if she had to!

“They look cozy,” Momo commented. “Makes me miss my bed.”

“Wait. Since when were Toge and Yuuta close like that?” Yuuji asked.

***

“You really didn’t notice?” Muta answered. 2+2=4, 5+5=10… “They stuck so closely to each other the whole night. The way Toge looked at Yuuta when he started ‘terping for him was criminal. You must’ve been too distracted with your own damn boyfriend to notice.”

Yuuji let out a nervous laugh. “You caught me.” Muta didn’t miss the reddening of Megumi’s cheeks and the way he looked towards the ground.

“Well, I hope they are a benefit to each other and give each other great pleasure,” said Kamo. Kamo really needed to think just a bit more about what came out of his mouth. Muta sighed. He knew what was coming.

“Yes, I’m sure they’ll give each other great pleasure, Kamo. I just hope I can get the same from a certain Zenin…” Nobara responded. Kamo was never going to learn. It all went above his damn head.

“I’m sure you’ll get there, Nobara!” Yuuji exclaimed.

“Careful, Nobara. Maki’s scary,” Megumi told her. Right. Those two are cousins. Megumi would know. Well, if Yuuta of all people managed to be friends with her, she couldn’t be that bad, Muta reasoned.

“What do you mean? I’m not scared!” Nobara answered. Muta let himself zone out as the conversation turned into petty squabbling, instead allowing himself to dwell on what Toge and Yuuta seemed to have. To have a partner love him the way he is, let alone have one that didn’t blanch at his disabilities and instead accommodated them. He wondered what the bliss of that was like. Maybe he’d ask Toge next time he saw him. He’d have to work on his sign language.

~~~

Of course school started up again in the new year, and life went back to normal. With the beginning of a new semester, Toge’s friends weren’t nearly as stressed, and his life was back to its normal hum. Well, maybe his visits to Yuuta’s room went a little differently.

“Hey Toge! How’s your day been?” Yuuta asked. His tone was warm and his lips were parted in a smile.

“Good. I’ve only seen Mahito once. Yours?”

“That’s great. My 10th graders just started reading Macbeth, and I’ve been having a ball going through it with them. The scene with the witches is so fun, and I think they’ve been having fun with reading it aloud too.” God, Toge could listen to Yuuta ramble on like this forever, though since he seemed to be done, Toge decided to lean in for a quick kiss. Through the touch, he expressed his own thoughts while finding a sense of bliss that only Yuuta could give to him.

Yuuta laughed as their lips parted. “I’m glad you enjoy the sound of my voice, though I think I’ve used it enough today. What are you thinking and feeling, Toge?”

“My stomach feels hungry and I think we should get take out later. You’ll have to call them of course, but I can go grab it at the end of my shift,” Toge answered.

Yuuta laughed. Perfect. Well, he knew the bullet was only dodged for the moment. Yuuta was going to make him discuss his feelings later, and surprisingly, that was something he loved about him.

“I think I can manage that. See you later, Toge. I love you.” And with that, Yuuta was out the door. New semester, no papers yet, and so Yuuta was out the door.

Toge was fine with this. He’d see him later. Yuuta and take out, what wonderful things to look forward to. That was enough of a dream for him.

Toge turned on his music and got back to work.

“Young bones groan
And the rocks below say
‘Throw your skinny body down, son’
But I'm going to meet the one I love
So please don't stand in my way
Because I'm going to meet the one I love…”