Chapter Text
It’s a night like any other on Copper-9. The freezing, howling wind is blowing through the air. The Worker Drones who are brave enough to venture outside of their bunkers being ripped apart and drained of their oil. The frozen skeletal remains of their past owners still stuck in the same positions they were in when they died.
Overall, a normal, run of the mill night on the frozen exoplanet for everyone.
Almost everyone.
“GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY SPIRE THIS INSTANT!!”, said the Disassembly Drone’s squad leader, Serial Designation J.
“NO!”, replied the very odd man who somehow hasn’t frozen to death yet, Suction Cup Man.
“WHY NOT!?”
”BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY!”
J finds herself in quite the predicament. Everything was going normally up until a few minutes ago. She woke up, waited for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb to wake up to make sure they wouldn’t slack off, yelled at N for waking up last, then went to go hunt for any Workers to who were foolish enough to step outside of the safety of their bunker.
After a few hours and only managing to find a few, she returned to the Corpse Spire.
…Only to find a weird human man scaling it with suction cups.
“WHY ARE YOU EVEN CLIMBING OUR SPIRE TO BEGIN WITH!?”
”WHY NOT YOUR SPIRE?”
“THERE ARE SO MANY BUILDINGS ALL AROUND, THERE’S NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE CLIMBING THIS IN PARTICULAR!”
”Sure there is! I’ve climbed a ton of buildings before, but I’ve never climbed a spire of robot corpses, so it’s a new experience!”
J was starting to reach her limit. She swapped her hand for a submachine gun and aimed it at Suction Cup Man.
“THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, PLUNGER-BRAIN! GET OFF OF OUR SPIRE OR I’LL ADD YOUR CORPSE TO IT!”
Suction Cup Man just scoffs, clearly unaffected by her threat.
“Sure you will, cla- FUCK!“
J starts shooting at Suction Cup Man. He narrowly avoids the bullets as he uses his suction cups to scuttle along the side of the Corpse Spire. J decides to change tactics, switching her other hand to a missile launcher.
“HAH! YOU CAN’T KILL SUCTION CUP MAN! LOOK AT ME GO- WOAH SHIT!”
J fires a missile directly at Suction Cup Man, sending him flying off of the Spire and into the freezing cold snow. It also blows up some of the wall, but she’ll just get the liability to fix it later. She walks over to Suction Cup Man and aims her submachine gun to the man’s head, grinning at her victory over the man.
“Any last words, scum?”
Suction Cup Man looks down in defeat as he lays helplessly in the snow.
”Yeah, just a few…”
Suddenly, he pulls some raisins out of his wallet and throws them at J’s face, giving him enough of a distraction to run for it.
“POCKET RAISINS, BITCH!”
J growls angrily. She brings out her wings and starts to give chase. She starts firing at Suction Cup Man, who dodges all of her shots.
Suddenly, he brings out a guitar as he keeps running.
“HEY, I WROTE YOU A SONG!”
J stops firing in confusion, stopping her chase completely after Suction Cup Man also does stops and turns around to face her.
“…What?”
”It goes a little something like this…”
J waits with bated breath. She starts to think, “You know what? Maybe this guy isn’t that bad after all, I mean, he wrote a song for me, so surely he must really appreciate me and what I do for my squa-“
🎵Fuck you bitch, fuck you fuck you, bitch! Fuck you bitch, fuck fuck fuck you, bitch!🎵
J immediately starts to shoot at Suction Cup Man again, chasing him as he runs away and continues singing.
As the two continue to run, they see a weird portal in the distance. J is intrigued by it, but Suction Cup Man doesn’t have any kind of reaction to it, running to it at full speed.
“BYE COPPER-9, YOU FUCKING SUCK ASS!”
Suction Cup Man runs through the portal and it immediately closes.
J just stands there for a few minutes, struggling to process everything that just happened now that it’s over.
“…Screw it, I’m just going to repress all of this and never think about it again.”
J starts to walk back to the Corpse Spire. Hopefully she can find a Worker Drone to take her frustration and anger out on. Or N.