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“RITO-KUN!”
Usami snapped his head towards his name, his eyes widened when he saw Saiki holding onto a rather sizable KOZAKA-C with his entire body. The creature struggled within its grasp, but Saiki’s grip around it was tight, barely able to move from where it stood.
“Kill it!”
“You’re holding onto it!”
“That’s the point!” Saiki yelled, his eyes desperate behind the broken lenses of his goggles. “Kill us both!”
The mere thought of it sent a pit down his stomach, but with how things were, there weren’t any other options. Hibachi was busy fighting off enemies in the air, while Akagi barely held back the rest around their area. The main problem was the giant KOZAKA-C that Saiki held on to. It was already a miracle that he got near it, much less hold onto it—
But to kill him?
“Rito-kun!” Saiki desperately cried out, “Hurry!”
Without another thought, Usami charged up his fist and took a head start. His figure blurred as lightning flickered around his body, eyes set on the creature. He grit his teeth when his fist met the scaly body, going through the flesh as his hand warmed with blood. He didn’t even close his eyes when black ooze and red hit his cheek, watching as his fist went through two bodies.
He retracted his arm, now wet with liquids he didn’t want to think about. He couldn’t even look away as the creature dissipated into smoke, and Saiki’s body fell onto the floor with a loud thump.
Usami’s chest heaved, fist balled into a tight grip as he looked at Saiki’s unmoving body. His mind refused to think—
“Rito!” Hibachi’s voice called out from the air. The lack of enemies surrounding him told that he was able to finish them off. “Wen’s still in trouble, come on!”
His body moved before he could think twice. Already running towards Akagi’s direction as he charged up his fist again, and swung.
***
The second time it happened, Usami didn’t realize it until it was too late.
He was so preoccupied with a bigger KOZAKA-C in front of him that he failed to notice another one that snuck up behind him. He barely caught them from the corner of his eye, before a flash of magenta passed by his peripheral then a sickening squelch filled his ears.
“Tetsu…?”
“You tell me to watch my back when you can’t even watch yours—!” Saiki forced out, hands clutched against the claw embedded in his chest. “Rito-kun, come on!”
As Usami swung his fist, his eyes could only lock on Saiki’s figure as it staggered, then fell.
***
Usami couldn’t count how many times he’s watched Saiki die in front of his eyes.
It was either by his hand, or Saiki saving his life. If he wasn’t the cause, then it was from protecting other heroes or civilians within the vicinity, leaving Usami at a loss of words. Each moment replaying in his head like a broken record. Each time, it got more vivid to the point it appeared in his dreams. His hands stretched out as he woke up, trying to reach out to Saiki, only to grasp the empty air.
And each time, Saiki would return to them like nothing happened to him.
It left Usami with zero time to grieve. Even if he knew that he would come back, the mere idea of losing his best friend in battle was something his heart couldn’t take, no matter how many times he saw it. Perhaps to other people, they would’ve gotten used to it, but to him?
It was mortifying.
He couldn’t exactly tell Saiki his problems, knowing full well of how it was just a part of their jobs. Eliminate the enemy by all means necessary. He was pretty sure Dytica went through the same thing, knowing how reckless Hoshirube can be in battle. However, the difference between him and Saiki was that Saiki was just human.
And if it wasn’t for the curse, he would’ve been dead months ago.
***
Another battle, another death.
And it was by Usami’s hand again.
The trek back to ORIENS’ base felt long. The three of them were tired, but Usami lagged behind, causing the other two to pause at times to wait for him. They didn’t talk, knowing full well of what Usami was thinking about.
Usami kept glancing at his clenched fist, flashes of different scenarios where Saiki was dead by his feet. He could clearly recall the way the light slowly vanished in Saiki’s eyes, but still grinning that stupid smile as he dropped onto the ground.
The lightning crackled around him as he remembered Saiki’s desperate cry. His emotions got the better of him to the point that the sky around them darkened, and the telltale thunder of rain threatened to fall. Not even the tiny pushes of Kirin-chan on his jacket could quell the turmoil in his head.
“Rito,” Hibachi called out gently, “Are you gonna be okay?”
“Yeah.” Usami’s voice was rough, “Let’s just go.”
Both Hibachi and Akagi looked at each other with knowing glances, then continued walking back.
The moment they arrived, they immediately de-transformed and slumped against any available seat. Usami took the couch, head hung between his shoulders as he leaned his elbows against his knees. His right hand slowly balled into a fist, the sensation of blood still lingered as the moment replayed again and again in his head.
He jolted when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and immediately looked over his shoulder to see Akagi looking down at him with worry.
“Usami.” Akagi squeezed his shoulder, “You haven’t said anything ever since we got back.”
“Wen, how many are we right now?”
“What?”
“Just answer.”
Akagi took a cursory glance around him, “We’re three.”
“Three.” Usami repeated. “I’m pretty sure Oriens is four.”
Akagi had nothing to say to that, and simply slid his hand off.
***
“Tetsu.”
“Hm?”
It was an off-day when Usami decided he’s had enough. They were the only ones in the base, with the other two out with other people.
“Let’s talk.”
Saiki looked nervous, but nodded, allowing Usami to sit next to him on the couch.
“You look serious…”
“You could say that.”
Saiki shifted on his feet, but stayed put. Usami bit his lip, looking down at him for a few moments before finally speaking.
“Your life.” He started off. “Do you have any regards for it?”
“My… life?” Saiki repeated, as if testing the words on his tongue. “Uh. Not really?”
“Not really.” Usami repeated with a sigh, “Is that why you’re so reckless with it?”
“I can’t really die, so it’s okay if I take the brunt force of it, especially when it’s necessary.” Saiki justified it, but the way he casually said those words made Usami twitch. “Do you have… a problem with it?”
“Do I have a problem— Tetsu, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if I wasn’t.”
Saiki looked at the floor, shifting on his feet again, alternating his weight between his left and right. His hands fiddled with each other, eyes looking around nervously. He seemed guilty about it then. Good.
“Mana-kun said something to me too.” Saiki muttered out, but it was loud enough for Usami to hear. “He said I shouldn’t waste my life like this.”
“And yet?”
“But I come back?” Saiki raised his head to look at Usami straight on. “I come back to you guys. It takes a while for my life counter to fully revive me, but I—”
“Tetsu, that isn’t the point.”
The fact that Usami wasn’t shouting made the situation a bit more tense than usual. Even Usami could see how anxious Saiki was from how stiff he stood. He took a few steps forward, looming over Saiki with a pinched look on his face.
“The point is—” He paused, not wanting frustration to take over so early in the conversation. “It’s the way you don’t care. You don’t care that you die in battle, you don’t care about the pain before dying, you don’t care—!”
Usami took a deep breath, then placed his hands on Saiki’s shoulders. He gripped on them tightly, hoping it could transfer his feelings over to him.
“You don’t care how other people think when they see you die.”
His voice came out tight, ending in a whisper as his jaw clenched while he looked deep into Saiki’s eyes. The other could only look stunned, surprised by his outburst, but it was to be expected. After all, it was rare when he was truly mad, having controlled his anger over the years. But this time? It was too much to bear.
“Don’t you get it?” Usami continued, seeing as Saiki wasn’t going to speak. “We care about you— I care about you. While you aren’t wasting your life away through something else, having to see you die and die in front of my eyes is something… something I can’t keep doing, Tetsu.”
His grip tightened, earning a grunt from Saiki.
“The first time you asked me to kill you, how do you think that made me feel? How do you think that made Mana or Wen feel when you asked them to kill you? For the sake of the mission? For being a hero?” Usami’s throat felt tight, like someone was squeezing it. “I’m not asking you to throw away your life mission, or your goal, or whatever else you think you’re doing for us— for the world, nor am I asking you to stop caring, I’m just asking you to start caring for your life.”
“B-But if I didn’t—”
“We could always find another way to beat them.” Usami cut off, not wanting to hear excuses. “You don’t have to risk your life for one measly mission.”
“Rito-kun, that one measly mission could cause more havoc if we don’t—”
“It doesn’t matter.” Usami gritted out. “Tetsu, it won’t matter if you actually died. Nothing will matter.”
***
Dying has always been something that Saiki was familiar with.
The painful slice of a claw, the shocking pain of lighting fizzling against his nerves, the agonizing feel of a sword embedding itself into his chest— he’s felt it all throughout the years he’s been a hero.
He never really thought anything about it, willing to sacrifice himself without much thought. After all, even if it was a curse, it was somewhat of a blessing in disguise. This way, he could be more useful to the others if he used his body to fight against whatever enemy they faced. After all, despite all the pain, he was always met with a beautiful sea of flowers in his wake.
So why was Usami staring at him like he could lose him at the very next second?
Saiki could almost read Usami like the back of his hand. It wasn’t like Usami wore his heart on his sleeve, but it was easy for him to tell if he was happy, sad, frustrated or anything of the sort— but this time it felt different. Some type of emotion he couldn’t really tell.
Tears usually showed signs of sadness, but with the fierceness in those orange-teal eyes, they looked mad. They threatened to fall, but not one drop came, instead it just made Usami’s eyes glassy, almost sparkling under the fluorescent lights.
“I…” Saiki trailed off, not knowing what to answer. “I don’t think…”
“That’s the problem you don’t.” Usami cut him off again, and there, Saiki could tell there was unrestrained frustration seeping through his words. “You think of yourself. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that you think about what’s best for others, instead of actually knowing what it actually is.”
“S-So what am I supposed to do?” He blurted out instead. His own feelings were jumbled, wanting to understand where Usami was coming from, but at the same time, wanting to stick with his own ideology.
To him, it didn’t matter if he got hurt, all he cared about was that his friends and others were safe.
“Get it in your head that your life matters too.” Usami said bluntly. “I don’t care if you can revive, I don’t care if you’ll come back to us the next day, I want you to act as if the next life will be your last.”
“My—?”
Life?
It’s been a long time since he last thought of his life that way.
The mere fact he could even revive was always such a constant, perhaps he forgot what it would feel to actually never wake up again. He grew more aware of the hands gripping his shoulders, the slight tremor in those hands, the way Usami’s voice had dropped to a whisper, despite being on the verge of yelling at him.
All too quickly, he was aware of being alive.
He thought back to those painful ways he’s died. The way he remembered how all three of them would react when he asked to die by their hands for a chance of winning. It was all the same:
Wide-eyed, hesitant, and wrecked.
Perhaps part of it was pride. Prideful of his curse to avoid permanent death. That he could potentially save someone with the cost of his life. Still, perhaps he didn’t think about the effect it would have on others.
After all, seeing a friend die and die again would be painful to him— for those who considered him a friend, wouldn’t it just be the same?
***
“Rito-kun.”
Usami perked up at his name, hope welled up in his chest when he saw a bit of clarity within Saiki’s eyes.
“I, um.” Saiki glanced over to his hands still on his shoulders. “You… I think I get what you’re trying to say?”
“And that is?”
“You care about me,” Saiki slowly said. “And you want me to start caring about myself.”
“In a way.”
Saiki nodded, as if piecing it together, “That means that just because I can revive, doesn’t mean I can keep abusing it like a health item in a video game.”
That earned a scoff from Usami, not from disbelief, but from amusement, “Sure, you can think of it like that.”
Saiki huffed, crossing his arms, contemplating, “I mean, I guess dying does hurt a lot, especially when you punch me.”
“You idiot.”
“But,” Saiki gave a pause, carefully picking out his next words, “Unless completely necessary, I don’t think I’ll stop doing it. But! But! I get it. I understand what you mean, I really do. It’s just… What is it? Unless we agree on a consensus, I won’t die unnecessarily. How’s that?”
The concept of Saiki dying by plan still made his skin crawl, but he supposed it would be better than unexpected deaths.
“Let’s talk to the others about it, how about that?”
Saiki looked up, a lopsided grin etched on his features. “Yeah… yeah. I feel like they’ll give me a talking too.”
“If Mana already got to you before I did, I’m sure they’ll be more intense.”
“Of course they will.” Saiki scoffed, but something akin to endearment was present in his eyes. “But I get it. You guys just care, I get it.”
“Good. Get it through your thick skull.” Usami finally let him go, and instead pressed a finger against Saiki’s forehead. Hard enough that it pushed him back a few steps. “Stop dying, seriously, I’ll get mad.”
“That wasn’t mad?” Saiki whined, holding onto his forehead as if he’d been slapped there instead. “What was that then? How scary.”
“Shut up, I can’t deal with you sometimes.”
“Tch, who’s the one that agreed to partner up with me?”
“I’m willing to switch to Dytica if you keep this up.”
“What?! No!”
Though the tension in the air cleared, at the very least Usami could live with the fact that Saiki could live on. His heart felt a bit lighter, but it couldn’t instantly erase the lingering feeling.
“Hey, Tetsu?”
“What? Are you gonna lecture me again?”
It was Usami’s turn to hesitate, lips trembling with unspoken words that he would possibly say. Instead, he settled with something more tame.
“Do you like being alive?”
Saiki’s eyes widened, then a look of disbelief washed over him.
“Of course! That’s why I like living life to the fullest! What kind of question... tsk, do you know me at all?”
Usami grinned, then wrapped an arm around Saiki’s shoulder, playfully pulling at him to make Saiki lose balance. It earned him a yelp and a few colorful words, but the thought kept him easy.
“Then I guess live on. Even if it’s for us, if not for you.”
Saiki’s tirade turned silent, his flailing stopped as he gently held onto Usami’s arm to keep himself from falling over.
“Sure, I think that can work too.”