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About three nights after Alucard killed Dracula, his father, with the help of Trevor and Sypha. They had both left to rejoin Sypha’s caravan, and he was left all alone in his parent’s old bedroom, again. He couldn’t bring himself to re-enter the room where he ended his father’s life.
He couldn't sleep. Not after what Sypha said about him.
Alucard tossed and turned. He had pretended to not overhear her speaking to Trevor about him the other night, and had successfully managed to ignore it until now.
“It’s lonely even when you’re standing next to him.”
*What could she even mean by that?*
“He’s like a cold spot in the room. His sadness is like an icy well, it’s bottomless, swallowing up your voice and anything you try to drop into it.”
*I’m not sad.*
These thoughts bounced around Alucard's head. Maybe he was sad?
He’d always had his mother and father with him, he wasn’t even there that night when she was taken by the church and had to witness his father’s quick descent into absolute madness. His own father attacked him, an action that hurt him more than any wound possibly could. From there, he slept.
For an entire year, it was him, asleep, alone with his thoughts. He slumbered, but his dreams were filled with nightmares of his father, the man he once knew to be cold and precise, yet loving– in his own way, going insane. It was his idea of hell. Maybe that’s what Sypha meant about him being sad?
Alucard wanted to just ask her what she meant, but that would mean admitting he heard everything she said. Which would risk involving that beer-brained buffoon.
He sits up in his bed. He’s never going to fall asleep thinking about this. Unfortunately, all of the distractions in the entire castle remind him of his recently deceased father, which he was also actively trying to avoid thoughts of.
Alucard flops down again, wrapping himself in the blankets his parents once slept under just over a year ago. It brought him comfort, reminding him whenever he would have nightmares as a child his mother would allow him to sleep in the bed with her. He imagined her next to him, holding him tightly, telling him everything would be alright.
He eventually dozes off, the imaginary presence of his late mother allowing him to get his mind off of everything. His dreams, however, were filled with Sypha's words.
“He’s certainly half-human. More than half-human, he’s a person in his own right.”
He was back in that moment. He was in the Belmont hold, pretending to read the index, as Sypha and Trevor cuddled underneath the smelly blanket, talking about Alucard. Instead of just standing there like a pathetic idiot, he walked over to ask her what she meant. Just as she opened her mouth to reply, he woke up. Again. Damnit.
Alucard woke up to see the blinding sunlight in the corner of his eye. It was morning already, yet he was still dwelling on his thoughts from the night before.
He didn't understand. Sad? He was an immortal dhampir who had only lived 20 years, surely he was not the one to be sad. His father lived for centuries in solitude, so why couldn’t he?
Alucard gets dressed and heads to the kitchen to make himself breakfast. He goes about his day quietly and slowly. He eats breakfast, before cleaning up the main entrance hall to the castle, which was trashed during the fight. This place was one of the few in the palace that didn’t remind him of the fight with his father. He fought here, just not his father.
Afterwards, he adds items that cannot be repaired to a mental list. He’ll need to either make new ones himself or travel to the closest town and see if they can be made there. He takes a small break to eat lunch, some berries he picked outside the castle. He resumes cleaning, which only reminds him of how alone he is. He makes some dinner, which he pairs with a nice wine, and then heads off to bed.
Just him. Alone. Sad. An icy well, to be precise.
He didn't get it. Most vampires live on their own for centuries. Some are lucky and find their immortal love, others turn the humans they are infatuated by into vampires. Alucard didn’t like the idea of falling in love with a human, who would age and die, and he wasn't able to turn humans easily. His own father, the great and feared Dracula, had allies, but never someone he loved, not until he fell in love with Lisa.
They all made it look so easy. They live on their own for centuries, meanwhile Alucard is by himself for four days and goes mad. This must be what Sypha meant about him still being half-human.
*I’m not sad, Sypha.* Alucard says aloud, in response to what Sypha would’ve said if she were here. He doesn't get a reply. He really did miss them. Sypha, and even though he would sooner die than say this aloud–Trevor.
Alucard repeats this endless cycle for a few weeks, still barely scratching the surface with castle repairs. Every now and then, he’ll make a different lunch, or even go on a walk for an afternoon instead of cleaning. But it's still the same.
This is a moment Alucard would rather forget, but he went into the basement and found some fabric and cotton, leftover from his mother’s hobby of sewing various stuffed animals for him as a child.
One of his first memories was watching his mother try and teach his father how to sew stuffed animals. That was also the first of many times he heard his father use profanities.
From there, Alucard goes upstairs and begins sewing Sypha and Trevor dolls. Not voodoo dolls, just small little lookalikes, to help him feel less alone
*Would a sad person do this?* Alucard thinks, already knowing the true answer to this.
After that, Alucard props them up in his kitchen before resuming his endless cycle.
*Sad. Alone.*