Work Text:
“When are you coming home?”
I look at my phone screen blankly, racking my brain for the ETA of my 20-hour flight. “Twenty… third? I land at like… 3 in the morning.”
Behind the screen propped up on my bedside table, Loki shifts his stance. An ocean away, he drops a teabag in his mug and carries it to his sunlit balcony — the opposite of the city lights outside mine. But it’s too cold out to check. I continue folding my laundry, arranging them in neat piles on my bed.
“I’ll fetch you,” he announces, making me giggle.
“Natuto ka lang mag-drive, hatid-sundo agad? Makaka-gising ka ba?” I taunt.
His eyebrows furrow. “So much distrust.”
I smile at his expression. It’s been four months since I last saw it in person, the last being my brief return to the Philippines last summer break. While it tugs at my chest, it’s a sacrifice I chose to make. So really, no one else was to blame but me.
It’s been a year and a half since I started my master’s degree in New York. Here I am, weeks away from facing my second winter in the city.
And before you bring it up, no, it wasn’t a quarter-life crisis. If anything, it was a decision years in the making.
Honestly, the prospect of studying abroad has always been present to me. As early as high school, even. I was fortunate enough to have the grades, the financial capability, and relatives already settled in the States…
But then, things happened. I left Manila and, well, you know the rest.
And while I love Clark and everything — everyone — it has gifted me with since day one, a part of my subconscious has always wondered what life would have looked like if I didn’t give my past opportunities up.
“So, what’s stopping you?” Loki asked me in the past when I first brought it up. “You want it, don’t you?”
I scoffed. The bizarre idea.
“My work?” I started, mind buzzing with things to list down. “My job. My life here. This relationship.”
I wriggled my index finger between us to emphasize the thought until Loki caught it, grasping my finger in mid-air. He looked me straight in the eye, utterly serious. Almost mad?
“I’m breaking up with you.”
“Pinagsasabi mo?!” I exclaimed. Binawi ko ang daliri ko at muntik na siyang sinapak sa mukha.
Stern as he was, his eyes softened, warming up by a degree. The name ‘Lori’ was for everyday; ‘Lorelei’ was for when he had a point to make with me.
“Lorelei,” he began, “if what we have is holding you back, I’d rather end it right now.”
So, there. With my boyfriend’s support — threat? — I finally applied for a graduate program in investigative journalism. Fortunately, years of experience as a political and court journalist came in handy, and it wasn’t long before I found myself living in the bustling chaos of the Big Apple.
Welcome to New York, it’s been waiting for you. Or however the quote goes.
“Oh, you’re from the Philippines!” sabi ng kaklase kong Amerikana na kumikinang ang mga mata. It was the start of the semester so I was meeting my cohort for the first time. “You know, I’m from Iowa so we get, like, no sea? I’ve always wanted to visit! But like… work and stuff.”
“Work and stuff,” natatawang ulit ng isa pa naming kasama. Hindi ko pa kilala. “Don’t you write for the NYT?”
Lumaki ang mga mata ko. “NYT? As in–”
“New York Times,” paliwanag niya. Alam ko naman ‘yon.
“Acting like you weren’t with Harper’s! Or was it Vanity?”
I blinked in disbelief.
“And you? What have you been up to back home, Lorelei?”
Nagising nalang ang diwa ko nang lumingon sila sa akin. I swirled the straw of my iced coffee to try and distract my brain. “Uhm… not much? I did court news for a few years. Local politics.”
“Oh, that’s cool! You’re gonna fit right in!”
“I am not gonna fit in here,” reklamo ko kay Loki sa video call. I buried my face in my pillow in frustration and whined, the homesickness messing with my brain. “I want to go home…”
Narinig ko ang paghinga ni Loki from the other end. “I know I’m supposed to say something encouraging at this point but the idea of you coming home right now doesn’t sound so bad either.”
Bumangon ako sa sobrang pikon. “Kakarating ko lang dito!”
“I know,” sagot niya. “Against all odds. For what it’s worth.”
“As if.” I rolled my eyes. Worth? Not the word I would use. “Ivy League pala talaga ‘to, ano? Everyone’s so accomplished and I’m like… a writer from Clark.”
Loki arched an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with my hometown?”
“I mean!” I sighed in resignation. “Okay, my point is that… I study with people from these huge media companies, right? Big names. I’m talking New Yorker, Wall Street, LA Times. CNN. CNN! Eh, ako? Anong laban ko roon?”
“Why is there a—” he made air quotes with his fingers “—laban in the first place?”
I couldn’t help but pout, discouraged by my own line of thoughts. I was hyperaware that I was being irrational. Para akong nilamon ng imposter syndrome against my will. I wasn’t even looking at the screen anymore.
“Hey,” Loki cut me off before I could continue spiraling. “This isn’t a competition, alright? You’re there because you’re equally worthy. Don’t undermine your career like that.”
I smiled bitterly from my subconscious. “They’re so much better than me. I feel like I should be doing more.”
“You can buy their companies.”
“No, I can’t?! Legal considerations.”
“Whatever. Just because you think they’re better doesn’t mean you’re not good to begin with.”
“I don’t actually think I’m not good begin wi—”
“You’re the best.”
The chaos in my mind fell to the ground, leaving me in frozen silence. I chuckled, letting his words wipe my tears before they could fall.
“Classmate ko ‘yung gumagawa ng Wordle mo,” tawa ko.
To keep myself from leaving on the next jetplane, I started making a more conscious effort to love my new life. I took time out to stroll along the university promenade with my cohort, realizing that they were much kinder beyond their intimidating facades. The same could be said for my roommate, Jamie, who was busy pursuing an MFA in Theater.
Aside from Jamie, I found solace in the familiarity of other Asian-Americans on campus who understood my yearning for rice. Jamie would introduce me to her friends and guide me to her favorite dinner spots. I would help her with her scripts in exchange. And to show gratitude for that, she’d drag me to Broadway and take me to see her favorite shows. Rinse and repeat.
Me:
Kumain kami sa labas today.
Me:
I think I saw your mom?
Loki:
Would be weirder if you didn’t after all this time.
Me:
Oh yeah, your mom works here pala.
Me:
May rice ba siya haha
Loki:
Calling her now.
Me:
HUH
Loki:
Send me your address.
Me:
WHAT NO
The following weekend, may natanggap na agad akong delivery sa apartment ko.
“Nakakahiya kay tita. Ba’t mo ba ako pinagluto?!” I complained.
Loki’s voice reverberated from my phone screen. “She enjoys cooking for you anyway. Let her be.”
Jamie was out for drinks so it was just me, my write-up, and the dinner I definitely did not order. I stared at the food containers lined up on the kitchen counter. Sisig, lumpia… A lot of the dishes Tita Martha used to cook for us back home, albeit with fancier garnish.
“Nag-abala ka pa ng ibang tao. Aanhin ko ‘yung same district kung palaging overtime ‘yung mama mo.”
“Abala is an understatement,” Loki stated matter-of-factly, face stoic as usual. “So long as you’re in her city — and I’m not there — you’re her favorite child. She likes you, you know.”
I laughed, trying to keep myself from crying at the gesture. “Siya lang?”
The months flew by fast, competing with the pace New York beats to. Papalapit nang papalapit ang Disyembre, paikli rin nang paikli ‘yung araw. Kaya siguro tila nagmamadali ang lahat.
‘Di rin naman sa perpekto ang tren dito — it’s miles far from perfect — pero natuto ko na ring mahalin. From my apartment, it was the most efficient way to 116th Street.
I imitated the way locals pushed through the crowd with purpose. But imitation could only bring me so far, if my reaction to the city’s first snowfall of the year was any sign. At the end of the day, I was still a foreigner experiencing things for the first time. A newborn child discovering the world.
Me:
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Me:
First snow in NYC!
Me:
[1 Attached Image]
Me:
Snowflake :)
Me:
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Loki:
That’s nice.
Me:
?
Me:
Mas cold ka pa sa hangin.
Loki:
:)
I blinked, melting the snowflakes on my eyelashes, and my first fall semester was suddenly over. Pero hindi pa rin ako pwedeng umuwi. By some December miracle, I landed an editorial internship! It wasn’t everyday that a company opened slots for winter kaya tinanggap ko naman after pondering it for a while. Most of them are scheduled kasi for spring or summer.
I vaguely consulted the offer with Loki, of course. But that meant consequences for our personal plans.
“I won’t be coming home for Christmas,” I announced in one of our calls.
There was an awkward silence from the other end. My stomach churned in guilt.
“We saw that coming, didn’t we?” Loki broke the ice.
“We did...” I pouted. “Next year na ako makakauwi. Baka nga summer pa.”
“Are you concerned about my patience?” kalmadong tanong niya. “You can take your time. I can wait for longer.”
I frown. “Do you not miss me?”
Another pause. At this point, my brain melts into an ice slush. Ba’t ko pa tinanong ‘yon? Shouldn’t I be happy?
“Lori—”
“I mean, ba’t parang ako lang ‘yung na-disappoint dito?” I asked further. Dapat talagang manahimik na ako. “You should be mad I took that offer.”
“But I’m not.”
“But you’re not! Exactly!” I pointed out, chest heaving. Why am I saying this? “Can I be honest with you? I feel like you don’t miss me…” — as much as I miss you.
Because I couldn’t bring myself to look at the screen, I imagined his face perplexed. Or annoyed. I’d appreciate it even, if I glanced up to discover he was angry.
“Anything else, Lorelei?”
I did so only to find out that his face was devoid of any emotion. His mind was unreadable. But he must be pretty annoyed with me now, huh?
“Uhm…” I racked my brain for other things to say. “Well, you should be mad I’m busy all this time, right? I’ll be even busier soon. We’re doing long-distance and the States is so far away and… this is my first holiday season away from home and… I kind of wish I was there with you instead of here.”
I rambled on about my other grievances, feeling like an irrational fool for the most part. He just let me be, sipping on tea like some virtual therapist, and I complained about that as well.
“Wala ka bang mga bagong hinanakit sa buhay? I feel like I do too much of the talking when we’re like this.” I frowned and bit my lip in shame. Ang dami na niyang alam tungkol sa ‘kin. Para akong madaldal na bata.
“Work is all the same,” Loki replied. “But for your sake, I’ll think of something new. Oh, I work overtime now.”
“Ikaw, nag-o-overtime?!” I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Tsaka ‘yun lang? “May pinag-iipunan ka ba or–”
“If you’re offering me money, don’t,” banta niya.
Looking back at our conversation, I couldn’t help but laugh. What was I thinking? There was so much more to worry about, particularly the winter internship I had at hand. The local tabloid I applied for had a focused section on feature and lifestyle, which wasn’t my forte nor what I went to university here for, but something I’ve wanted to try for so long. It was much closer to the blogging I did when I was younger, which felt like writing for fun.
“Long day, Lori?” tanong ni Jamie nang umuwi ako isang gabi. “You look…”
“It’s okay, you can say terrible.”
“You’re not that bad,” she laughed. “By the way, I’ll be flying home for the holidays. My flight’s on the weekend so if you want to talk about the rent and keeping the roaches out ahead of time and—”
“Oh, that’s okay! I’ll be staying here for work.” I waved my hands in front of her face. “I landed the internship.”
“Really?” Lumaki ang mga mata ni Jamie. “I mean, that’s great! But I thought you’re gonna be spending Christmas with your boyfriend or something…”
I slumped on our shared couch with a bitter laugh and shrug. “First Christmas in New York. He’s okay with it.”
“Okay, now I feel bad leaving you all alone like this.”
Jamie stormed into her room and fished something out of her purse, tossing the other stuff on her mattress. Whatever it was that she found, she shoved into my hands.
“A gift card?”
“A dinner party invite!” she exclaimed. “My friend’s hosting a Friendsmas for other Filipinos in the borough. Obviously, I couldn’t go but I told her I’ll be giving the invite to another friend.”
“That’s…”
“You’re free to bring a plus one if you want! Or you can just… not show up or whatever… You don’t know these people anyway. Just in case you feel lonely on Christmas, okay?” nagmamadali pa niyang dagdag. “I’ll get really mad if you return that.”
“I was going to say that’s really nice of you,” tawa ko while still fiddling with the envelope. “Tell her I’ll be there… with another friend if I can find one.”
“Oh, thank goodness.” She breathed a dramatic sigh of relief and beamed. “You don’t deserve to be alone on Christmas.”
Her words rang louder in my ear when Christmas Eve rolled around. There’s a warm halo around the huge Christmas tree at Rockefeller, a few blocks away from where Jamie’s friend lived. The skating rink underneath was speckled with couples dancing to the faint Jingle Bells medley in the background.
I looked around to take in the twinkling scenery of Midtown Manhattan flooded with holiday cheer. I must have looked quite happy because a family asked me to take their photo for them. Unbeknownst to them, we were quite the same — enjoying the holidays here for the first time. They posed with a hug on my count and ran off to The Rink for some skating of their own.
The view looked strangely familiar, like a scene from Home Alone or some other cliche Hallmark movie. Sa tutuusin, snow nalang ‘yung kulang.
But the festivity wasn't quite there. It felt… cold. The kind of cold you get from pale, white Christmas lights instead of the warm, yellowish ones in old films. The harsh kind that grants you the nightmare of frostbite. The melancholic kind that makes you realize you’re quite alone in this sea of people.
The lonely kind that makes you think of home… and wonder where it really is.
Me:
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Me:
Looks like a snowglobe, no? :)
Loki:
It does.
Loki:
Where are you?
Me:
Rockefeller.
Me:
The tree looks a lot better in real life.
Loki:
I’d sure hope so.
I fixed the knot of my scarf and blew out a white breath while pressing the call button on my phone.
“Merry Christmas,” I opened with a smile.
“Merry Christmas… Eve,” Loki’s voice stood out against a noisy crowd on his end of the call.
“Is this a bad time? Are you on your way to work?”
“I’m on leave, remember? Visiting relatives.”
I frowned in response. “Right… I wish I was there.”
“You do?” he coughed out. “I’d rather save you from the hassle of traveling with us. Unless you’re okay with constant arguing, that is.”
“Kayo lang naman ‘yan ng kuya mo. I often go shopping kaya with your mom!” My eyes reviewed the expanse of flagship designer stores in view. I know there’s more along Fifth Avenue. “Besides, anywhere should be better than here.”
“Still feeling down, huh,” Loki noted. “You’re not at your party yet?”
“You can tell? It’s pretty noisy, isn’t it?” I giggled to myself. “I’m near the ice skating rink, that’s why. People watching.”
Loki chuckled from his end. There’s a hoarseness to it somehow, which sounds ticklish and real.
“I see you’re turning into me. What do you see?” he probed.
“Kids with really good ice skating skills. They’re probably athletes or something.”
“Any chance you’re sponsoring them for Christmas?”
“Close to zero,” I grinned in disbelief. “You know, we should go ice skating when I get back.”
Loki sighed in resignation. “Whatever you’d like.”
I smiled, shivering a little. There’s a pensive frost in the air that settles on my lips and I imagine that if Loki were here, he’d dust it off for me. He’d hold my face afterwards and I’d question why his cheeks are so red. Then, he’d say it’s because of the cold, which he’s not used to because we grew up in a country that’s consistently 30 plus degrees Celsius.
And all that silly nonsense we shared. I’ve learned to appreciate it more ever since I left. ‘Di pa rin ako magaling sa long-distance.
“You know what I’m thinking?” I asked, dwelling on the feeling.
“Go ahead.”
“I should book a flight right now.”
“Oh no,” he scoffed. “Please don’t.”
“I know,” I laughed, imagining his upset face. “I’m just kidding. I–”
“Don’t book that flight. Turn around.”
“What?”
My heart started to swell with a dry ache and I felt it drop into the pit in my stomach. I expected the world to start spinning but it didn't. It stopped. The music dulled. Speckles of frost floated in mid-air. I watched the twinkling of the tree pause, frozen in time, as I snapped my head around.
And then I saw it. And I dropped everything. And I ran.
“What are you doing here!” I squealed, throwing myself onto Loki’s arms, so much so that he almost spins me around. I landed on my feet and wobbled a little, the strength in my knees nowhere to be found.
I patted his arms, making sure he was real, and allowed my gloves to caress the fabric of his trench coat. I stared at the scarf wrapped around his collar and, with a sigh, adjusted it to properly cover his neck.
“How did you find me?” I started.
“Well,” Loki explained, panting a little, “you had your location on.”
Ang unromantic. A chuckle escaped my lips and loosened my embrace. It’s so like him. “You were stalling for time, huh?”
His lips formed a gentle smile as he held onto my arms with care. He suddenly leaned forward and rested his forehead on my shoulder, his warm breath brushing the dip on my collarbone.
“I missed you,” he finally said.
My grin turned into a giggle at the mess he was. “You do?”
“So much,” he groaned. “I never say it but I do. So, so much…”
“Okay, that’s enough. Breathe.” I pulled him away from me and grasped his hands. “How are you here? Since when?”
Loki let out a final puff of air, almost like a sigh of relief. His hair was disheveled, akin to a wet dog clinging to his owner, and I tried to pat it down.
“I told you, visiting relatives. Relative being my mom. She’s having dinner with my dad right now.”
My jaw almost dropped. I should have known.
“Ayaw mong sumama sa kanila?”
“You said you were lonely.” He rubbed his cheek. “You said you were looking for a plus one.”
I laughed at his awkward state, white condensation forming in the air. “So what, you just flew here?”
“We have connections in the embassy.”
I rolled my eyes at his proud smirk.
“Just so you understand what you’ve gotten yourself into,” I sighed, “we’re having noche buena with strangers. So flee now if you wish, my love.”
“Better yet, we ditch them and run.”
“Absolutely not.”
“I know a place with rice.”
“Tempting…” I ran my finger along the bridge of his nose. “But no. That’s impolite.”
In the midst of our dramatics, we looked at each other and laughed. The hearty kind that shuts your eyes closed and makes your stomach ache. I held onto his forearms, still lost in our joy, afraid that he would disappear into thin air if I didn’t.
And he found me, too. His eyes wandered across the span of my face, memorizing what I looked like. He took his time, desperate, with an unfamiliar flame in his eyes. It burned with affection that gently poured over like honey — something I could only discern because I knew him well.
I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his chest.
“Are you crying?” biglang tanong ni Loki.
“No!” I sniffed. “No… not yet.”
I raised my head, his face starting to blur because of the tears welling up in my eyes. I let out an awkward giggle. “I just thought I was going to spend Christmas alone and… I hate being alone.”
“You never are and never will be.” Loki brushed away the hair in my face with a heartfelt smile that will always be etched in my mind.
“Merry Christmas, Lori.”
—
“Ladies and gentlemen, once again, this is from the flight deck. Your first officer Alfonso speaking. We are now starting our descent towards Manila. Traffic permitting, we will be—”
I groan as I try to stretch my back, rubbing the shoulder I just leaned on. I was dreaming about last year again. Ilang oras ba akong nakatulog?
The ache slowly fades away and I turn my head to the stretch of dark outside my window. Madaling araw pa rin yata. Wala pa kasing hint of sunrise.
So, I press my face closer to the glass. My camera wouldn’t be able to capture such a precious view. Constellations were generously scattered across the sky, illuminating the faint outline of feathery clouds below.
He’s there, somewhere under those clouds.
Maya-maya ay nag-land na rin ang eroplano namin kaya pinakuha ko na ang overhead luggage ko at naglakad palabas. In classic sentimental fashion, I savored the feeling of stepping out onto the boarding bridge — technically, my first step back into Philippine territory. The last time I did so was in June nang umuwi ako after spring semester, which really wasn’t that long ago, but a lengthy period all the same.
Me:
Just landed.
Me:
On my way out. :)
“Taga-Pampanga ka pala, ma’am? Pareho po tayo,” nakangiting tanong ng naka-assign sa ‘kin sa immigration. Sa Clark kasi ako nag-renew ng passport.
“Malaus ko pu, ma’am,” dagdag niya pa nang matapos na.
I quickly take my other luggage from the conveyor belt and push my cart towards the arrivals exit. The crowd becomes increasingly noisy and the tension — the atmosphere of reunion — presses on my chest.
And then it doesn’t. Because the world stops.
And I see him, right in the middle of the waiting crowd. I almost leave my cart behind as I run to meet him halfway.
“I missed you!” I squeal, throwing myself onto Loki’s arms, so much so that he almost spins me around. I land on my feet and wobble a little. We’re still the same.
“I missed you, too.”
But Loki’s much braver now, saying it back without hesitation. He even has the audacity to plant a kiss on the top of my head. I don’t mind it though. It’s cozy, gentle, and every pleasant thing he has grown to be.
“Welcome back, Lori,” he whispers.
I nuzzle his chest, drowning in his scent and the surreal reality of it all. He’s here. I’m finally here. I raise my head, arms still wrapped around his lean waist.
There’s a familiar glint in his eyes. Just a little, but it’s still there. I giggle to myself when I spot it and grin.
“It’s nice to be back home.”
(ending theme: Dive - Olivia Dean)