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Sunoo: wait can i come over?
Riki stared at his phone. Boring holes into the screen. He waited to see if another text came through, waited to see if there was any sort of justification or explanation for why Sunoo wanted to see him at three in the morning, but when nothing else came through, he rubbed his eyes and sat up.
Riki: its three in the morning and im barely awake but sure as long as u tell me whats been keeping u up so long
Sunoo: k be there in five
Riki: be quiet though heeseung is a light sleeper and im not in the mood to have to deal with him tomorrow
It was a strange thing. What Riki and Sunoo had. Riki wouldn't describe it as a relationship. It wasn't romantic. It had never been romantic. Aside from that one time they made out on his bed and Sunoo fell asleep in his arms. He was gone the next morning, and when they crossed each other in the kitchen, he barely looked at Riki. Couldn't even hold his eyes above the countertop. He kept his head down. Maybe he was ashamed. Maybe he was guilty. Riki couldn't know for sure. Crucify him, but he also didn't really want to know. Whatever him and Sunoo had was barely a friendship. It was something warped and distorted and all wrong. It was jagged at the edges and it cut his skin a little too sharp. They barely spoke during the day. Constantly ignoring each other. But at night, for some reason, Sunoo always came to him.
Riki wasn't the best person when it came to giving other people advice. In fact, he wasn't the best person at all. He was selfish and twisted and sometimes he even considered himself to be violent, a mistake, an error, a glitch in a perfect system that had been created in the atmosphere around him and treated him almost like a pest. Almost like a leech. He never really understood why Sunoo always reached out to him instead of Jungwon—Jungwon was better at giving people advice, better at comforting people. Especially Sunoo. Mainly because Jungwon was best friends with Sunghoon, and Sunghoon was Sunoo's on and off boyfriend. On, because he had once admitted to being in love with Sunoo while he was drunk and him and Riki were playing cards. Off, because he was terrible at keeping a stable relationship.
Riki hadn't exactly been aware of Sunoo's relationship when they accidentally ended up making out. Sunghoon hadn't said anything about it, and neither had Sunoo. But when he did find out, he mysteriously stopped talking to Sunghoon and started avoiding him, as well. No one thought it was suspicious at first. Riki had always kept to himself the most out of all of them. He wasn't really one to join in on game nights, or film nights—not even when they were playing his favourite games, or watching his favourite films. He would always end up huddled in his room, headphones on, blanket over his head and lights off. He would always end up falling asleep earlier than everyone else, which made it easier for him to wake up whenever he felt his phone vibrate.
But after a while, it did start to become suspicious. Sunghoon would sometimes text him, other times he would try his luck and knock on Riki's door. Both times going unanswered. Riki would either leave him on delivered and silence his notifications soon after, or he would turn the music playing in his headphones louder until it fully drowned out the sound of Sunghoon's footsteps walking away. It wasn't that Riki didn't want to talk to Sunghoon, and it wasn't that Riki resented Sunghoon—or Sunoo, for that matter. He had always been terrible at keeping friendships, maybe even worse than Sunghoon's relationship with Sunoo, but he chose to blame it on himself instead of pinning it on others.
What had really turned the whole situation even more sour were the dinners. Jake would constantly nag Riki to have dinner with everyone in the living room, telling him that he was a sociable human being therefore, he needed friends—and on top of that, maybe even a boyfriend. Girlfriend. Whatever. Riki always shrugged him off and politely declined, chalking it up to being too tired after working out, or after dance practice. But Jake knew him. Jake knew him better than anyone else, and he knew that there was something strange in the way Riki had started moving throughout the house. In the way Riki had cut his five minute conversations down to three minutes and thirty seconds. Jake made sure to count.
Riki was barely home. And when he was home, he would lock himself in his room and make up some excuse about not wanting to talk to anyone because he either had a bad day, or just wasn't feeling up to it. There were only so many excuses he could go through without it becoming even more obvious that he was clearly avoiding someone. Better. Two whole people. A couple. Which made things worse. At least, for him. In his mind. He had sworn he wouldn't get involved in whatever relationship Sunghoon and Sunoo had, but he'd somehow ended up getting caught right in the middle of it—and he wasn't sure what to do. So, he did what he thought he knew best. Ignore, ignore, and ignore. He would ignore Jake's texts asking him if he wanted to play cards, or go out for drinks, or play a video game he'd recently bought on their shared Xbox (which was now more Jake's than his).
Sunoo: im at your door but i think i woke sunghoon up
Riki: the doors unlocked and thats also not really any of my business thats ur own relationship buddy
Riki heard the door creak open and reached to turn his light on, setting his headphones on the table and silencing his phone. Just in case. He had expected Sunoo to show up and be upset, he had expected Sunoo to be bothered and pissed and maybe even a little too aggravated by something Sunghoon might've said—but what he hadn't been expecting were tears. Sunoo didn't look just upset, he looked distraught. Disappointed. There wasn't the usual glint in his eyes. The usual curiosity, or the usual remark about how messy Riki's room had gotten. Instead, all Sunoo did was set a knee on Riki's bed and wait.
"You okay?" Riki scooted over and pulled the blankets back, patting the warm spot where he had just been laying. He waited for Sunoo to settle in beside him before throwing the blankets over his shoulders and fully turning towards him. "You're crying. You know I'm not the best when things involve crying. Actually, I'm just not the best in general. Which reminds me. Why are you even up?"
Sunoo sniffed, and when he spoke, his voice cracked. It was a gentle sound. It wasn't broken, it wasn't fragile. It was just Sunoo. But Riki had long ago lodged his feelings for him somewhere safe, somewhere he couldn't reach or tear into with his teeth whenever he found Sunoo in the practice room, crouched, knees tucked to his chest and his eyes tired. It wasn't like he was in love with Sunoo, it was just a crush, and a small one at that. Or at least, that's what he had convinced himself of. Well, tried to, at least.
"Sunghoon." Sunoo started. "I think he wants to break up with me and I know I say this every other week but this time I'm serious, and I think he really wants us to go our separate ways. I think he has a crush on Jungwon."
"Hold on now, friend. Sunghoon has a crush on Jungwon?" Riki frowned. "How did that thought even occur to you? They've been best friends for as long as I can remember, that doesn't make sense. Are you sure?"
"I'm not sure but," Sunoo started, rolling his eyes at the way Riki phrased it. He began fidgeting with one of Riki's necklaces, it had been one of his favourites for a while. Riki would never admit to it, but he rarely took it off. Sunoo's fingers were cold on Riki's warm skin and he did everything he could not to shudder at the touch. "I overheard one of their phone calls and it didn't sound best friend-ly."
"If you're not sure then you shouldn't assume things. I know you two aren't always on the best of terms but, to think he's cheating on you with his best friend is something you can't go back from." Riki sighed. Sunoo's fingers kept tracing the cross around his neck, but now, they traced the skin surrounding it as well. His spare hand found its way to the back of Riki's neck—toying with tuffs of hair.
"I'm not planning on confronting him about it. Well, at least not yet," Sunoo smiled. A little. Just barely there. A small upturn of the lips. But Riki saw it. And there was something so simple yet so beautiful about it, about Sunoo's ability to be vulnerable with him, about Sunoo's ability to be uncaring if he was embarrassing himself in front of Riki or not. He found it cute. Endearing, even. "I was thinking about it, though. Earlier. When I texted you."
"About confronting him?" Riki's eyebrows shot up, mostly in confusion, but also in shock. He knew Sunoo and Sunghoon had a strange and sometimes even dubious relationship, but he never thought they would ever break up. There was something magnetic about the two of them, some sort of balance that made sure they were constantly glued together. Even though, sometimes, those same scales tipped over and Riki was left to care for Sunoo, while Jungwon was most likely left to care for Sunghoon. It made sense, in a way. Why Sunoo would think Jungwon and Sunghoon had something more going on, but Riki tried to keep his thoughts to himself. At least, for now.
"Not really, no. Not about that. I was thinking about when I kissed you. That one time. I don't know if you remember, you were half asleep." Sunoo looked up at Riki through bleary eyes. He hadn't stopped crying. Not completely. But he wasn't sniffing anymore, his chest wasn't heaving and he'd wiped most the tear streaks away with Sunghoon's oversized sweatshirt before placing his hand on the back of Riki's head.
Riki did remember. How could he not. He knew that it had been a mistake. Something created out of guilt and shame and sadness and anger. But there wasn't a second of it that he regretted. He knew Sunoo did. He knew Sunoo regretted it in the way he avoided his eyes, in the way he avoided speaking to him, in the way he avoided being in the same room as him. Riki didn't blame him—he couldn't blame him. He had been in a relationship when it happened. He was still in a relationship. Even now. Even as he was laying in Riki's bed, his arm wrapped around Riki's neck. He wasn't all too sure how they'd ended up in that position. But for some odd reason, he didn't seem to mind it.
"I don't really see how that's relevant, but in my defense, I wasn't half asleep and I did kiss you back." Riki sighed. He inhaled sharply when Sunoo tugged a little too harshly on a tuff of hair, but did his best to keep his composure. "You were already in a relationship with Sunghoon back then. You didn't tell me."
Sunoo smiled, again. That same vulnerability to it. That same transparency and openness that Riki couldn't seem to muster up. Maybe he was a coward, or maybe he really was the worst out of them all. Whichever one it may be, he couldn't seem to connect how one thing was relevant to the other. He tried to wrap his mind around it, tried to predict Sunoo's next words, only to fail. Miserably.
"Doesn't that make me a cheater, too?" Sunoo's voice was small. But there was certainty to it. Riki knew it was supposed to be a question, but it came off as a statement.
"I don't have an answer for you. I'm not the one who should decide if you cheated or not. That's up to you and the circumstances of your relationship back then." Riki felt Sunoo's fingers still at the back of his head, and for a quick moment, he swore he saw him flinch.
"What if I want to kiss you again? Does that make me a cheater?" Sunoo shook his head before speaking again. "I think that does make me a cheater."
"I'm not following." Riki couldn't understand. Or maybe, he didn't want to understand. Maybe understanding whatever it was him and Sunoo had would only ruin it, would only break it, would only make it shatter and make it bend and break. Maybe acknowledging it would be even worse. Maybe acknowledging it would only end with heartache, similar to the bruised relationship Sunoo had with Sunghoon. To be honest, Riki didn't even think there was something between him and Sunoo—and even if there was, he couldn't bring himself to indulge it first.
"There's not much to follow in the first place. I just said I wanted to kiss you again." Sunoo shrugged, his fingers moving again. They started tugging softly at loose strands of hair, they pulled and twisted and Riki felt like he was going insane. There was only so much he could do.
"Just because you think he's cheating on you doesn't mean you should do the same thing, Sunoo." Riki sighed. He reached up and wiped a stray tear from Sunoo's cheek, hand cupping his face, thumb stroking the skin. "Maybe we should just sleep."
"Riki," Sunoo started. "You don't understand, do you?" He turned his head gently, leaning into Riki's touch. There was an odd familiarity to it. They'd been in that situation before. They'd kissed because they'd been in a situation similar to this one, and Riki knew how things went. Riki knew that once whatever this was ended, Sunoo would go back to his room and would lay in that same bed, with Sunghoon, awake, thinking about all the things he'd done wrong and finding ways to pin the blame on himself.
"I don't think so." Riki's eyebrows furrowed. One plus one was four, right? Surely.
"I want to kiss you."
Riki carded his spare hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his palm over his eyes. The words that came out of his lips afterwards, the words that tumbled out, jumbled and incoherent and in one soft murmur—he knew those, he would regret. "Then, don't go back to him."
"Riki," Sunoo croaked, and it would've sounded cute if it weren't for the crestfallen look on his face, exhaustion seeping from his body and worming its way deep into the marrow of Riki's bones. He ran a thumb over Riki's cupid's bow, then, over his bottom lip. Easily. Almost naturally.
And just as naturally, he leaned up to press their lips together. It was brief, at first. So brief that Riki barely had the chance to close his eyes. Then, another press of the lips. Again. And again. And again. So agonisingly slow. He licked along the seam of Riki's mouth, teasing it open. And when he parted his lips, Riki could taste the salt from Sunoo's tears mixed with a hint of mint. Riki kissed back. Quietly. Tauntingly. His movements were more controlled, less desperate. Sunoo was greedy in the way he kissed, greedy in the way he twisted his fingers deeper and deeper into Riki's hair—they dug into his scalp.
Riki was the first to pull back, and as soon as he did, Sunoo's hands shifted from his neck to his shoulders, to his chest. They stayed there, gripping onto his shirt, fingers clutching soft fabric. He snorted, then shook his head and reached to toy with Sunoo's messy fringe. "What are we doing?"
"I'm not going back to him," Sunoo's chin jutted out. Confident, despite the uneasiness in the way his hands shook against Riki's chest, and despite the slight crack in his voice and the tears welling up in his eyes. "Not this time. Not again. Not after this."
"After this? Sunoo, what is this? We barely talk to each other, and when we do, you're either upset or crying or you're too pissed off to form coherent sentences, but you always come to me first, and I've always been here for you. The next morning, you can't even look me in the eye." Riki's hand stilled for a second, then, resumed its ministrations.
Sunoo was silent. And at that same exact moment, right before he spoke, Riki's phone vibrated against the table. He sighed, reaching over Sunoo to grab at his phone, only for Sunoo to shove him back down with certainty. His eyes were burning, fingers heavy, hands pressed fully against Riki's chest, splayed out.
"I don't want you to think I'm just using you," Sunoo started. "I want this to be something more, but—"
"But you love him. But you don't know what you feel for me. But you dont know what will happen if you walk out that door right now and tell Sunghoon you think he's been cheating on you with his own best friend. But you don't know what will happen once Sunghoon figures out you've been coming here every other week whenever you two have a fight. You don't have to tell me." Riki held Sunoo's wrists, carefully, and pried them off him. He grabbed his phone and unlocked it, already knowing who had messaged him and already knowing what the messages were going to be about.
Hoon: is sunoo with you?
Riki: depends on why ure asking
Hoon: hes my boyfriend and he isnt with me and i figured he mightve gone to get some fresh air i dont know youre always the one who stays up late
Riki: nah havent seen him
Hoon: thanks anyways
"You should get going," Riki turned his phone off and tossed it on the bed. "Wouldn't want to make your boyfriend go on a hunt for you."
"Riki." Sunoo's eyes glistened with unshed tears. Riki swallowed around the thickness in his throat and nodded once, waiting for Sunoo to keep talking, waiting for him to say something—anything. But nothing came. Just silence. Just laboured breathing and curt sobs. They were muffled by Riki's chest, muffled by Riki's arms around Sunoo.
"You should get going." Riki slowly pushed Sunoo off of him and pulled the covers back. He watched Sunoo's face contort. Watched as he sat up and rubbed his eyes, rubbed his cheeks and finally got off the bed with one final sniffle and a small nod.
"Talk to you tomorrow?" Sunoo asked before closing the door. There was a hopeful glimmer in his eyes, a spark that Riki wished he could feed. There was something about the way Sunoo looked at him then, that made his heart crumble. That made his insides shake and wrap around each other and bend and mould and completely contort.
"Yeah. Talk to you tomorrow."