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They always meet up at Tommy's house, never Bobby's and while that doesn't really bother Tommy- he gets it, he does- really. But it feels like it's for a reason. If it were anybody else, Tommy would maybe think Bobby has a secret family. But Bobby's straight-laced and a bit old fashioned, and Tommy really doesn't think he'd have an affair like that.
Still, there's something uneasy about it. Of course, Bobby isn't a selfish lover. In fact, he's leagues above the men that Tommy's met via apps and furtive hookups in bars. But he's never really vocal about what he wants from Tommy. Never really vocal about Tommy's appearance or actions. Or vocal at all really. Which isn't necessarily bad, Tommy knows, but Tommy's a bit of a talker when he gets going. He's not exactly chatty, but he's not afraid of giving a bit of praise. Bobby doesn't do that. And it's making Tommy start to wonder if this whole thing is a bit one-sided. It's not eating away at him, but he does notice the absence.
Sure Bobby is attracted to him. That much has been pretty clear given their activities. But Tommy gets the impression that Bobby's not really as into it as he is. Not that Tommy can tell him that he thinks that of course. Can't even properly come out really. Still a coward, still too ashamed... Even if he is getting better about it.
When he and Sal were fooling around, Sal gave him a lot of praise. And maybe it's also foolish, to compare his hookups with Bobby to jerk off sessions with a straight man, but Tommy doesn't really have a lot of experience to compare it to otherwise.
None of his girlfriends had ever been very vocal, so maybe it was just the kind of person that Tommy attracted. As much as he didn't want to think about it, Abby wasn't very vocal during sex either. At the time, it had been a blessing and Tommy had been vocal enough for the both of them- all praise, and appreciation to keep the din of denial at bay. Now Tommy's starting to wonder if maybe it's a sign.
Which brings him back to Bobby. They haven't been hooking up for that long: hand jobs here and there, one memorable kiss on the roof after a particularly bad shift, trading blowjobs in the shower and once Tommy bought his house, Bobby had railed him into the mattress so good Tommy had had to call out the next day. And they've been continuing that pattern for three months. Tommy hasn't even opened grindr in that entire time. Hasn't needed to, hasn't wanted to. And he knows Bobby isn't dating- he'd been pretty vehement about it when Hen asked if he was going to go on a date anytime soon.
Which didn't clear it up for Tommy at all. Because sure, he didn't think that they were dating either, but they were something. And something, in Tommy's limited expertise, usually meant some level of communication.
Of course, they did talk. But it was limited, Bobby was a closed book. He clearly didn't want, or need anyone knowing too much about him. Tommy could kind of relate. But he's starting to understand that he can want people in his corner. Starting to think that maybe he doesn't have to be alone in this- or in the closet.
It's something he desperately wants to talk to Bobby about. Not so much a 'what are we 'conversation as a 'what could we be'.
***
The conversations they don't have about their sex life, they do have about their work life. Unsurprisingly Bobby has a lot of opinions about their work. Codes he wished were taken more seriously, tips and tricks that made the job easier- smoother. He truly understood the job in a way that Tommy's only really experienced with Sal. More than once he'd gotten heated enough about it that Tommy had to blow him about it.
And he thinks Tommy should leave the 118. Which had been one unexpected conversation that Tommy still wasn't one hundred percent sure actually happened.
It had happened on a shift that had been tedious at best, aggravating at worst. The worst calls of the day were where they were virtually helpless while other houses were IC. They'd been on standby for almost an hour when Tommy had quipped that he really wished he still had his license to fly. He hadn't thought very far past his little daydream of swooping in with a helicopter to perfectly save the day. This scene, this day, this call was just a long enough wait he'd allowed himself a moment of wishful thinking.
Bobby hadn't said much on scene but after, when they were both curled up in Tommy's king-size bed, Bobby had turned to him and said fairly bluntly "You should transfer to Air Ops. I know the Captain at the 217 and they're always looking for more pilots."
It had thrown Tommy for such a loop. He'd only mentioned it once and hadn't thought too much on it beyond that, but maybe Bobby had a point.
After Abby -God it really had only been months ago, Tommy had wondered if maybe he'd been premature on trying to live for himself. A snap judgment that cost him his only real sense of normality. Or what normal was supposed to look like. But here Bobby was telling him to push forward, to go for it. To reach for something that he'd barely even articulated to himself that he'd wanted.
Against all odds that's what did the trick for him. He'd handed in his transfer papers to Bobby about a week later. Bobby had grinned- something genuine and warm that made Tommy realize this too was something he needed to change. He hadn't seen that look on Bobby's face before. It made him ache. What were they doing if they weren't making each other happy? Is this really all Tommy wanted?
***
So he took a chance, planned everything out. It was either going to be the start of something wonderful or the end before it ever started. After his last shift at the 118, he prepared a nice meal, and waited for Bobby to come to him.
When Bobby showed up that night, Tommy told himself not to get his hopes up. Told himself that what he was asking for was more than they'd agreed on. But Bobby hadn't seemed put out by the unexpected meal. Or by the fact that Tommy wanted to talk more than fuck. He'd seemed almost proud.
The dinner goes well, and Tommy agrees to give Bobby his Nonna's lasagna recipe when Bobby compliments it thoroughly. And it almost feels normal. Almost feels right. And that's how Tommy knows it's all about to go sideways.
***
He's proven right later that night when Bobby pauses at the door to the bedroom. "I don't think I should stay."
The rejection had cut sharp and immediate and despite knowing this was a possibility, it still feels like a blow to his ego in an unexpected way. Maybe he'd hoped against his gut feeling that Bobby would fight for them.
Instead, he nods and Bobby pulls him in for a tight hug. "I can't be what you need Tommy. I don't think I'm ready. To be happy." He clarifies before Tommy even asks. Tommy doesn't know what to say to that.
Instead, he pulls Bobby in for a soft kiss. Something he would never have done before. "It's ok." Tommy says finally, when they part.
Bobby smiles at him. "There'll be someone else, Tommy. I'm just the first."
"Presumptuous." Tommy can't help but quip back.
"The first of something steady, something honest." Bobby amends with a quirk to his lips.
"The first, not the last." Tommy agrees then.
He feels settled when Bobby leaves and wonders if this counts as an ending at all.
***
It's years later that he sees Bobby again. With his wife. And his boyfriend. Their boyfriend? Evan hadn't said anything about it in the air, but he imagined whatever was happening between the three of them wasn't heavily discussed publicly. Especially not during a cruise ship rescue in a hurricane if Tommy really thought about it. But Tommy could clock the way Bobby looks at Evan from a mile away.
To be fair to the three of them it's not overt. Bobby and his wife were embracing, relieved to be alive and Evan was hanging back at Bobby's elbow, one hand against Bobby's arm. It's discreet but intimate and Tommy feels a surge of both vicarious joy and unearned jealousy.
Tommy isn't unhappy of course, but he's not settled the way Bobby had thought he would be when they parted but it seems Bobby is. Then he looks at the rest of the 118 and thinks of that feeling of family he's been chasing for longer than he'd care to admit. I want to be part of that.