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Janury 21st, 2016
To my father, Mr. Choi Yeonjun
I’m slipping.
The floor, coated in black ice, keeps me from going forward. Still, I’m running, as if it would allow me to get a hold of you quicker. I run, even though the length of my stride doesn't even reach half of yours. After all, I’m a little pipsqueak as you loved to call me, yeah?
Tears threaten to evade from under my reddened eyelids. The light is dim and I need to squint my eyes to see you turn around and look me in the eye while taking a few more steps back.
I bawl at you to wait for me, to explain yourself. But then you turn your back to me again, and you flee the scene once again.
No, I'm not just slipping, I'm drifting, and losing myself.
The moon crescent lights up your steps crunching on the frozen ground as your silhouette is fading in the darkness of unlit paths.
Why are you leaving, dad? We didn’t even get a single reason as to why. You woke us up this morning, Soobin and me, only because you wanted to talk, you said. So we got up as per your request, and sat on the teal sofa, waiting for you to explain what was troubling you. That is when you broke the news.
A short throat clearing, you scratch your neck and spill it : “I’m gonna leave. I’ll be gone soon.” “Where?” Replied Soobin, to which you couldn’t answer. The only thing you said was “far, far away from here.”. Then you turned around and got out by the window, like a robber would.
But I saw it, you know, and I’m pretty sure Soobin did too. You can’t fool us, dad, we know you. From the bottom of your soul, we’ve always known how to rip through all your layers. I saw everything. The remains of those tears on your cheeks, the trembling corners of your mouth, toujours clenched jaw. Everything. Your beautiful blue eyes still abhorred strings of redness, you looked on the brink of breaking.
So some days, I tell myself that maybe it wasn’t by choice that you’re gone, maybe something is holding you back in that far somewhere you are supposed to be.
Love you still,
Kai
February 3rd, 2016
To my father, Mr. Choi Yeonjun
Dear dad, last night an absolutely horrific nightmare pierced through my sleep. I looked at Soobin falling from the roof. But I couldn’t move. I tried to reason with him, to no avail. It was so fast, and then hé was on the floor facing me, an excruciating hopelessness painted in his gaze.
I tried to get him to come back, I did everything they told me on the phone. As expected, the cardiac massage quickly became rib crushing and Soobin started coughing blood. That led to him bleeding out at my feet. I screamed for you to help me get out of this hell on earth, but I strained my voice so much yelling your name I couldn’t even cry anymore. You never came.
And then I woke up in a cold sweat, freezing and shivering under my feather blanket, and went to you guys’ room to check if you were both still in bed and alive. In the end I remembered that you left Soobin alone with le and that you were roaming somewhere.
I’m begging you, come back to me safe and sound, make this nightmare end. Please. Soobin doesn't know how to be without you and neither do I. Dad, you’re a load-bearing wall for us.
We need you here with us.
Where did you go?
Kai.
May 30th, 2016
To my father, Mr. Choi Yeonjun.
Hey Dad, it’s been more than three full months since we’ve had any news from you. I tried to understand you, but failed every time I searched through my memory. I can’t seem to find any explanation as to why you would choose to disappear so suddenly.
If you were this mournful about leaving us, then why did you? So many questions that will forever remain unanswered…
Soobin cried yesterday. A lot, in the bathroom. He thought I couldn't hear him but he didn’t even bother to shut the door correctly. He was wrapped in the blanket you got him last year for his birthday. His eyes were burning holes in your marriage picture and he kept mumbling about what he's done to wrong you.
Flashes of my nightmares kept reminding me of how unstable he became since you left. Your absence is hurting him so bad, I feel like his judgement is becoming more and more clouded. He’s wrecked and I can’t do anything about it.
I was the happiest when he asked me if he could become my dad too, when we could finally sign the papers. At least you left me in the care of someone I can trust with my life.
I'm starting to lose hope, you know. Maybe I’ll never get to hold you in my arms again.
Love,
Kai
April 2nd, 2016
To my father, Mr. Choi Yeonjun.
Dad. Yesterday at school we had to answer crucial papers for the next few school years. I didn’t understand the extent of it all, but all I know is the signature of both legal guardians was required. No exceptions.
I gave it to Soobin in the evening, and he signed in the left box without asking anything. But the second one stayed empty.
When the teacher asked us to hand it back this morning, he asked why I was only able to get one of the two signatures needed. He wouldn’t leave me alone unless I told him about the roots of the issue. He was terrifying at that moment.
I felt a weight lodge itself in my rib cage, next to the heart. I couldn’t speak, my voice was enclosed in the lump that formed in my throat. I burst into tears and he took me to the nurse’s office, while still asking me about it. He only left after I calmed down and opened my mouth.
Once in from of the red door of the office, I placed the palm of my hand against it, unable to push. I placed my second hand on my heart, pounding so hard. My cheeks were trembling, my vision blurring.
Then suddenly the door opened, revealing the nurse’s furrowed brows. A surprised expression drew itself on his face while my right hand fell limply against my body. She talked and talked but I couldn’t make out anything she was saying, the incessant buzzing in my ears hindering her voice from reaching me.
Annoyed, she pulled me by the arm, directing me towards a chair while still saying things. She sat down on his black chair, pulling handkerchiefs out from a seemingly handmade box - maybe his children did it for her - with short, frantic wrist motions. She handed them to me from the tips of her fingers, she only sat down properly once I had taken them in my sweaty hands.
We stayed in complete silence for quite a long moment, only troubled by my ragged breathing before she decided to ask why I came and how I ended up in such a miserable state.
So I let it all out, I guess.
Your departure, Soobin locking himself up, my own sorrow and all of these letters. Everything.
It was so liberating to finally talk about it to someone, to not keep it all to myself like I had been doing for months. The weight that had taken up residence in my chest had lightened. Although still present, ready to burst once again, I know, it shriveled.
I’ve mostly been devastated since you left, but nowadays my anger is taking over it.
Kai.
May 5th, 2016
To my father, Mr. Choi Yeonjun
I want to see you. I miss you. Soobin misses you too, even if he dodges every question about it. And you must miss feeding the neighbor's cat everyday, I'm sure. Many people would love to see you again, I think. At least once, just to see if you're still alive and well. I could mention Grandma, Uncle Beom, and my Aunt Lucia, her twins Hiyyih and Lea—everyone's worried about you.
But there's been no sign of you for months.
Kai
December 25th, 2016
To my father, Choi Yeonjun
This year, Christmas seems bleak. Christmas, it’s supposed to be such a joyous day. It’s supposed to feel like sharing, family, great mood and food. This year I'm starting to question the point of this holiday. Honestly, what's the point of decorating the house and giving gifts to loved ones when the person you cherish the most is moping around in a ball next to our pathetic Christmas tree? I feel sorry about it but it makes no sense to me anymore.
Seriously, he spent the night laying there even though the floor is mercilessly frigid and his clothes are thin.
He’s half sick and he still stays there. He could have gotten a plaid or something, maybe a boiling bath, but nothing. Why? Because of you, what a question.
Lately it seems more and more like your the sole cause of all our problems.
Kai.
January 20th, 2017
To my progenitor, Choi Yeonjun
As I write these words in the darkness of my bedroom, with only my ridiculous greenish pocket torch as a light source, it is about half past ten in the evening. In a few hours, it’ll be a year day for day that you’ve left, that I started this writing thing.
You’ll probably never ever see them, all these pieces of paper.
Still, I continue to write them.
This one’s the seventh, almost one every two months, do you realise? I had never felt such a profound need to write to anyone. Even Taehyun, my best friend, when his family moved to the US.
I don’t even understand why I find it so calming, it literally doesn’t make any sense to me. Could you explain it, you?
Why do I even address myself to you, you couldn’t even understand me anymore.
Anyways, wishing myself a good night since no one here is willing to do it for me anymore.
Kai.
July 31st, 2017
To my progenitor, Choi Yeonjun
Heh, parents…
Soobin decided to shave his skull only to leave a few millimeters and then he colored the thing in some sort of disgusting khaki green ass gray. I don’t even understand how he could be so attached to you that he would become crazy without any contact but quite frankly I’m impressed. Very well done on your part. You succeeded in disrupting someone who was incredibly adorable to you.
PS : Don’t you find it exhausting how much some six year olds are more mature than adults like you?
I do. Bye,
Kai.
July 14th, 2018
To Choi Yeonjun
I kinda miss it. Seeing you, I mean. But now it’s been five half years since that day. I think I lost the hope of seeing you again someday. Yesterday Soobin decided to throw away anything that had been your’s one day because it reminded her of your presence too much. He told me he felt like he was finally starting to liberate his conscience, so I tried helping, I took care of your clothes, shoes, bags. Even your hats. I remember you giving them to me when the sun was too much during hikes. And it's true that it hurts less to think that you don't exist than to think that you abandoned us here.
We have to let go of the memory of you, my dear father. That is, if I can still allow you the luxury of keeping that place in my heart. A father doesn't abandon his family like that.
Following thatdecision, Soobin and I finished banishing everything that belonged to you or referred to you from this house.
You are no longer welcome here.
So from today onwards, I will no longer write you any letters. This decision is final.
Kai.
September 18th, 2019
To Choi Yeonjun.
I broke our promise. Oh well, it’s for a good cause I guess. Today, I’m nineteen, and Soobin’s been in the hospital for a few days, he broke some bones at work - I don’t remember the details - but I came to see him and when I asked for his room number, I saw your name on their files, because of your legal links to Soobin. So I asked about it, and they told me you died last year. Some incurable sickness, they said. I can’t remember how I made it through the day without telling Soobin.
Kai.
September 24th, 2019
To my father, Choi Yeonjun
I contacted grandma after finding out, I can’t believe she kept all of this a secret for such a long time. You made her promise after all. I understand that you didn’t wish for us to see you decay, but still. She must have felt so guilty every time she saw the letters, Soobin crying, me destroying your belongings. She gave me the address where they buried you, so I could go see you, and your testament. Everything you left Soobin and me. I’ve hated you for so long now that I don’t know how to look at you now that I’m in front of you again, so I’m writing it. I’m sorry for doubting you. I know you loved us with your whole heart. I think I need to tell Soobin, but I can’t figure out how. He loved you too much for his own good. He will always. A love this deep can’t go away. I need to speak to grandma, maybe she can figure something out for me.
By, I’ll come back to see you in a bit,
Kai.
October 20th, 2019
To my father, Choi Yeonjun
Hey, it’s me again. Soobin’s injury finally healed, so it’s time. Wish me luck, dad.
Grandma’ with me this time, and we’re gonna head home in a bit. It’s starting to get really chilly in the evening. I hope it snows this winter. I got you some flowers too, pretty dahlias. Hope you like them.
Kai.
October 21st, 2019
To my father, Choi Yeonjun
Well…
He didn’t take the news very well. It was expected I guess, but I didn’t think the calm and collected Soobin could scream this loud, let alone punch stuff. He never did. At least never in front of me.
He’s calmed down since then. He’s crying on my knees now. Grandma fell asleep holding him, and I don’t know how to help him now. I’ll just pretend I fell asleep too maybe. I can’t deal with wrecked Soobin, never knew how. It was always your job.
Love you, we’ll try to stop by during the week.
Kai.
October 27th, 2019
To my father, Choi Yeonjun
Here we are. Soobin is trembling. Can’t blame him though. His hands are cold in mine, he always hated wearing gloves. Grandma’s not here this time, she wanted us to have time for ourselves, as a family. For me the wound is healing, but for him, it’s just been reopened. He’ll come around, just give him time like you’ve always known how. Communicating is not my forte, but I try. At least I know he sees it, and he replicates the effort. We’re a bit less lonely now.
He read the testament too, and the letters you left in it. With time I forgot you did that too. Maybe it’s time we take a look at them.
Love you,
Your son, Kai.