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Sometimes Phuwin doesn’t know what to do with himself. With all the feelings he’s been trying to hold back for over 5 years now.
Sometimes he looks at Pond and he feels so much, too much, like it’s going to burst at the seems and spill out of him.
Sometimes he opens his mouth to try and explain, to try and say something, but then Pond smiles at him and it feels like an arrow in his heart and suddenly he forgets how to speak.
Sometimes he looks at Pond, and it feels like everything is right in the world, and other times he looks at Pond and his whole body hurts so much just from the proximity that he wants to curl up into a little ball and cry until the pain goes away.
Sometimes he looks at Pond and he feels nothing, and it scares him more than any of the feelings he tries to hide.
Phuwin, despite being an actor almost his whole life, is a shit liar. He can’t lie to his parents, he can’t lie to his friends, and he definitely can’t lie to Pond.
Sometimes he thinks his life would be eaiser if he never became an actor. If he lived a quiet life, if he chose a different dream to follow. He knows his parents would be proud of him regardless.
But sometimes he will look around, surrounded by his friends, and he can’t even imagine his life any other way.
Phuwin worries that everytime he looks at Pond, his feelings are written all over his face and that Pond will one day look him in the eye and balk at what he sees, and pull away and leave.
Phuwin worries that one day Pond will look him in the eye and say everything Phuwin wants to hear, and they will be together forever.
Phuwin worries that their pair will eventually end or they will be casted into different projects with different partners and go their separate ways and never speak again.
Phuwin worries, and worries, and worries.
Somehow, these worries never seem to reach Pond. Phuwin hopes they never do. He loves Pond, in ways he’s not willing to look into too deeply. That’s enough for now. He hopes it will continue to be enough.
Pond looks at Phuwin and his heart swells. Pond will look at Phuwin with his heart in his eyes and pray that Phuwin will look back and accept him.
Pond will look at Phuwin and will him to understand, to look back, to feel what Pond feels for him.
Pond never worries about things like separation or falling out or things like this. Pond only thinks about how much Phuwin means to him.
Pond will see Phuwin laugh and selfishly hope that Phuwin laughs like that for the rest of his life. Pond will see Phuwin smile and his heart will ache with the prayer that Phuwin never loses his smile. Pond will look at Phuwin and hope he never changes the kindness rooted inside him.
Pond doesn’t dwell on things like what if Phuwin doesn’t want him anymore or if Phuwin doesn’t love him.
Pond will sometimes look at Phuwin and his heart rate will speed up. He doesn’t think about it. He just hopes Phuwin will always be happy.
Pond sometimes looks at Phuwin and feels like Phuwin wants to say something, but he never does. Pond decides it’s not his problem until Phuwin opens his mouth and tells Pond he doesn’t want him anymore.
Pond will sometimes come across posts like “do you ever look at Phuwin and see the universe shining in his eyes” and he will be halfway to reposting them before realizing that’s not the image he’s meant to present to the public.
But sometimes he’ll see it and he’ll show Phuwin and Phuwin’s eyes will shine with a thousand stars and Pond’s heart will lurch and he hopes he never has to stop looking at Phuwin’s eyes, but then the moment will pass and Pond has to remind himself that he is content with what they have.
And sometimes Phuwin will see posts with sayings like “Pond is so kind, his heart bleeds for everyone” and Phuwin will feel the truth of it as a physical ache in his chest, and he hopes that he’s not just another thing Pond lets his heart bleeds for.
Phuwin wants to mean something to Pond, something beyond the surface and his bleeding heart. He wants to have a purpose in Pond’s heart, one similar to the space he unconsciously carved out in his own heart for Pond himself.
In the end, they don’t talk about it. It exists in the spaces around them, lingers in the spaces between their words, and wraps itself around the aches in their hearts as a temporary bandage. It’s not a solution. But for now, it’s all they allow themselves to have.