Chapter Text
To Run as You Desire
Chapter 1
Starlight, Star Bright
Haru Urara's smile was the biggest I'd ever seen, and my own smile felt just as impossibly big. She jumped at me for a hug and I only stayed upright because King Halo helped keep me there. The force and momentum instead turned the hug into a little spin in the walkway.
"Trainer! Trainer did you see! I won!" Haru proclaimed. I laughed, indulging the giddiness of the moment.
"I did see!" I told her, putting her back down. I was not capable of holding up Haru for long periods of time and she was practically vibrating in my arms. "You did great! I'm so proud of you!"
"It was so fun to run with everyone! I had such a good time! And everyone cheered really loud, too! They must also have had a lot of fun," Haru said. Her eyes and attention shifted to King. "King! I saw you cheering in the stands too! You looked really happy!"
King Halo flipped her hair back, ready to give a response, but was interrupted by Haru wrapping her up in a hug as well. King returned the hug as soon as she recovered, something about it softer than the loud celebratory hug Haru had leaped at me with.
"You did very well, Haru Urara. It was a first-rate performance you gave," King said, quietly. Then she followed up in her more typical volume. "I expect to see many more races like it! You have expectations now, after all."
"I still want to run more!" Haru declared, despite still being slightly out of breath from the race. "Can we do some laps? I want to race King, and Rice, and—"
"Easy there, Haru," I advised, trying to keep my infected enthusiasm contained. "You still have the concert to do. And for today, you should recover so we can continue training tomorrow." Though, even as I said that, I took note of how much energy she still seemed to have. Maybe Haru had the endurance to run miles, or even medium races? I'd have to let her try and cut loose, especially now that we weren't just working on winning her debut race anymore.
"Oh, right the concert! I almost forgot!" Haru beamed. She leaned in, the most conspiratorial I'd ever seen her look. "And after…"
"After?" I repeated, knowing full well what she was referring to. I couldn't help the smile as Haru vibrated at me as though that would clarify exactly what she meant.
"Trainer, you promised after we could get ice cream!" she explained. I laughed as she only seemed to build energy from the idea of it alone. I was tempted to play along a little more, but I was also concerned Haru would explode if I did.
"Right, right, of course. We'll head out and get ice cream after the concert," I promised. The smile I received was another one for the record books. "And speaking of, you should probably go get ready for the concert."
Haru bunched her fists in front of her as though she was embarking on an epic quest. "Right! See you after!" she yelled, darting down the tunnel. "Ooh! I'll wave if I see you on stage!"
"Stick to the routine!" King and I called back. Both of us still had smiles on our faces as though we had been the ones running. King sighed fondly.
"Sometimes I worry that worrying after Haru will end with me going gray early," King noted. "And other times—"
"Other times you wouldn't trade it for the world," I interrupted. I made a non-committal hum. "It's her drive—or spirit, or passion, or whatever word it's called. You just can't help but want to see it grow."
"Indeed. Haru Urara's delight in life itself is one of the greatest gifts she has, and she shares it so easily. If only it were so easy to nurture for oneself," King said, placing a hand on her chin.
I eyed my other trainee, taking note of her posture and tone. King Halo had only been my trainee for ten months, compared to Haru's almost full year. But despite the boasting and her retinue's cheers—oh goddesses the call and response cheers—every once in a while she was noticeably quieter. I had learned why from King directly, and I was determined to free her from that creeping doubt. "Don't sell yourself short, King. You have just as much ability to improve the lives of others around you," I told her.
"Hm! But of course! I am a first-rate umamusume, after all! Which means I am capable of achieving any result with enough work and effort," King announced haughtily. She started to laugh, only to blink and realize something. "Ah yes, that reminds me. I have already distributed the required tokens to my followers, but you will be needing these as well."
"Oh?" I muttered curiously, as King produce a small bag and handed me several items from it. It was a… headband? Glow sticks? Water bottle? A haori?! Oh. Ohh. She had really come prepared for Haru to win this race. That was awfully sweet of her. "Thanks, King. Did you buy these for today?"
King's answer was to flip her hair and laugh. "Of course not, Trainer! I prepared these for Haru's first race under your tutelage in June. And I have been waiting for the opportunity ever since," she explained. I couldn't help the soft smile that bloomed on my face as I imagined King getting everyone she knew gear to cheer Haru on for the concert after her first win. King had already moved on, discussing something else when she noticed my look. "Trainer?"
"This is really sweet of you, King," I said.
King smiled. "Of course! But feel free to continue," she agreed.
"And you worry about being as full of life when you do things like this?" I questioned, holding up the haori and glow sticks for emphasis. "You're good people, King."
"I—that is not what I said, Trainer!" King denied, lightly stamping her foot for emphasis. "I said such a thing was not easy to nurture! I said nothing about my own determination to do so!"
"Right. As you say, then," I agreed easily. I chose not to address the light blush in her expression. Instead I chose to change the topic. "I should go put on more durable shoes than I have right now, since I'm going to be jumping and cheering now."
"Oho, but of course! It would make it a lot easier to rehearse and perform the cheer routine I designed," King said, latching onto the change of topic.
It was a change of topic that made me pause. My mind flashed back to King's entourage performing their call and response cheers and I felt a tiny stab of dread. "The what?" I asked.
"Oh but I haven't told you yet, have I? I designed an entire cheer routine for us to use to celebrate Haru's first win! As her trainer, naturally you need to participate as well," King explained, raising an eyebrow in my direction. If I wasn't so caught out at the thought, I might have noticed the barest of smirks.
Participating in King's call and responses were already a stress test of my social aptitude. But, my mind tried to counter, performing a cheer in a crowd was far different; nobody would be staring at me. And this was Haru's first concert as the race winner…
I mustered my most fearless smile back at King. "No, you're right, of course. Let's go get better shoes so you can teach me this routine," I suggested. The pleased hum King Halo made suggested in turn that I had passed another wordless test from her as we walked out of the tunnel.
*****
The clinical trainer aspect of my mind made another note to see if Haru really could run longer distances as she darted just ahead of us yet again. The rest of me was taking in the heady atmosphere of the late evening.
Practically the entire market area knew Haru Urara. She had charmed and swept them off their feet before I had even met her, and they were all eager to congratulate her on her first win. Every turn and shop we passed by on our way, someone stepped out or was waiting to let her know. One of them had even managed to shove a bundle of carrots into my hands before I could even register how to respond. It made the emotional high from the concert last even longer.
Haru was still riding the high herself, dashing up to the store folk who called out to congratulate her and hurrying forward as though she could pull us faster towards the promised ice cream. She would pause only long enough to make sure King and I were right behind her and then hurry forward again, all smiles and enthusiasm. It made me feel tired just walking, but it was the good kind of tired that spoke of well placed effort.
King was showing far more concern for Haru's bursts of speed in the marketplace than me. "Haru! There's no need to dash everywhere, you might run somebody over," King called. "Besides, we have plenty of time to enjoy the ice cream before curfew."
"Oop!" Haru paused, tail straightening a moment. She smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, I'm just excited. The sooner we get there the sooner we can enjoy ice cream!"
"Well, can't argue with that logic," I commented, picking up the pace. King made the barest pretense of protest, a small huff of warm breath fogging the cool air, before hurrying up to join Haru in the front.
This, I thought. This was the type of good day people spent years working towards. I had spent years years working towards this moment: trainer school, getting hired by Tracen, training Haru. It had all led to a night that I wouldn't trade for anything else.
The ice cream vendor was just as happy to congratulate Haru as everyone else. "Miss Haru! I heard about your race today from my daughter! Congratulations!" he said.
Haru beamed. "Hi Mister Nagaski! Thank you! It was really fun! I hope you'll be able to come to my next race so I can win for you too!" she cheered.
Nagaski laughed. "I'll see what I can do. I'm waiting to hear if my application for Tracen's stand vendors will be accepted for next year," he offered. I cocked my head at that.
"It's already December. You haven't heard anything?" I asked. That didn't seem like a lot of time considering there were races the next week, like the Arima Kinen. Nagaski, however, only shrugged indifferently.
"I won't hear until the last week of December since I'm a local vendor. It's something to do with the URA's guidelines. It goes this way every time I've been accepted there," he told me. Then he grinned at Haru and King. "So, what can I get you ladies?"
Despite already knowing we were there for ice cream anyway—and that it was December—Haru's eyes glowed.
Nagaski had a couple seats outside his small store for customers to enjoy their food. It was too cold to properly consider staying out there and eating ice cream—I had a feeling both of my trainees would openly reject the idea if suggested—but I was sitting in one at the moment anyway. In my hands, I held King and Haru's bowls; they were using the bathroom inside. "It wouldn't be hygienic for food to be brought into the restroom," King had said.
I had settled for watching the handful of people out as I waited. I knew most of them by face, if not by name; Haru really had the entire market infected with her heartwarming spirit. A few who had missed Haru earlier offered their greetings and congratulations in passing, or just a small wave. The cold nipped at my nose, the chill only just starting to set in.
There wasn't really a moment I could point to, but I realized I was being watched.
Some buried sixth sense that people had surfaced, and I looked around for my watcher. I found them across the street, eyeing me quietly. A police officer I didn't recognize was standing in the street, hands still on the handlebars of their bike. Our eyes made contact as a result of me spotting them, and at once the officer straightened. Silently the officer walked their bike straight at me.
I could feel the chill and dread pit in my stomach as the officer approached me at my seat. I straightened subconsciously, still holding ice cream in both hands. Smile, Cynthia, I told myself. You haven't done anything wrong. You're just waiting for your trainees to finish using the restroom. The officer gave me a look over, and then spoke before I could open my mouth.
"Could I see your ID, sir?" they asked.
It hit me hard. Sir.
I didn't flinch. I think. I did feel my smile wipe off my face and the dread in my stomach grow like a sickening weight (He knows, he knows, all your effort to pretend otherwise was for nothing, if he can tell so can everyone else, it's all fake).
"Y-yes," I said, putting the ice cream down in a chair next to me. My mind was swirling like a drain current. What did I do wrong? What made me stick out? Did I wear something too masculine? I thought I passed. Was my voice too deep when I answered just then? I thought I—
I did my best to jam all those thoughts back in the box in the dark corners of my mind while my hands fumbled inside my purse. I found my id card and handed it to the officer. The officer studied it intently.
"Is something wrong?" I asked quietly. My voice definitely sounded wrong now. Forced. Incorrect. Wrong. Not practiced enough (Of course it doesn't).
The officer didn't answer my question right away. Instead their eyes widened slightly. "Oh, ma'am," they said, looking back at me. "Sorry, I couldn't tell."
This time, I flinched.
I flinched like I'd been physically hit. The dread was full-on dysphoria now, gripping my heart and squeezing the joy out of me. I felt a mix of pathetic and shame. Focus, Cynthia, I tried to tell myself. You're valid, it doesn't matter what they think, passing or not passing doesn't make you any less what you are, you're valid, you're valid (You're a freak, you're unnatural, you're going to be deported or imprisoned)—
I realized the officer was speaking to me. I blinked, trying to center myself. Despite sitting on a chair, I felt off balance. "Sorry," I apologized. "Could you say that again."
The officer's expression was hard to read. Were they angry? Judging me? Looking for a weakness? (You're not welcome here, they just need an excuse) Suddenly overcome with doubt and dysphoria, I could only see my own insecurities reflected in their face. "I asked, what are you doing out this late?" the officer asked.
How late was it? Had I kept them out too late? Was Tazuna waiting for us? Had she asked— "I'm waiting for my trainees," I answered. I hated how small and wrong I sounded. It was pathetic.
"Trainees? You're a trainer, then?" the officer questioned. "Do you have your trainer id? I want to see it."
The dark thoughts of my mind filled in the blanks as fumbled around in my purse for my trainer id and gate pass. I was suspected of ulterior motives (Unwelcome). They didn't believe me (Just like last time). They thought—they thought I was—I just—Why didn't I—(Why don't you what? What do you think you deserve)
Warm hands grabbed my wrists and held them steady. It took a moment for me to recognize who was holding me. My vision swung slowly—was I in slow motion?—to see Haru Urara looking back at me. Wait. When had Haru gotten back? How long had she been back? How much had she heard? Was she (She's going to quit)—no, Haru would never judge me. Not Haru. I looked back into Haru's eyes, the concern grounding me. Just a little.
"Trainer?" Haru said. She was speaking quietly. "Are you okay?"
Just a little. A little was all I needed. I wrangled all my thoughts—the dread, the doubt, the dysphoria, the hurtful hisses—back into the box and slammed it back into my mental corner. I breathed. My heartbeat slowed. With all my effort, I managed a small smile.
"I'm okay," I managed. It was a lie, but also not. I would be. Haru had seen to that. "I'm, I'm okay. Thank you, Haru."
Haru smiled like she didn't believe me. She smiled like she could banish my dark thoughts like the sunlight she was. It helped.
I became aware of what else was happening around me. Nagaski was debating, no arguing, with the officer, telling them to leave his customers alone. King was right behind Nagaski, joining in and giving the officer an expression that could curdle milk. The officer was in the middle of getting on his bike and driving off. Or, maybe more accurately, being driven off.
Once the officer was gone, Nagaski turned back to me with an apologetic expression. Haru still had me by the wrists and was gently squeezing them like she was trying to fix my heart-rate. "I'm sorry for the disruption," Nagaski offered. "They hired a bunch of new officers to replace some retirees and a lot of them don't seem to get just how threatening a badge can be to innocent people."
I jolted alive in response to Nagaski's apology. "No! It's okay, it's not your fault," I said. "Really, thank you for stepping in. And sorry for any trouble I just caused."
Nagaski wouldn't let hear it. "You're Haru Urara's trainer, and you've never been anything but polite and friendly. No overbearing cop is going to harass my customers, especially with credentials like that," he said.
His sincerity was touching. My eyes threatened to wet my cheeks. I worked my jaw for a moment (He just doesn't know ye—). "Thank you," I said again, uncertain what to say.
"Of course, Miss Franklin," Nagaski said. He offered all of us a friendly smile. "Well, aside from that I hope you all have a good night. Let me know if you want anything else." Haru offered a bright farewell as Nagaski went back inside his parlor.
I gently secured my freedom from Haru's grasp and stood up. King was right there at my side, watching me concernedly. I tried to offer her the ice cream I had been holding for her. She was not deterred by my lame attempt at changing the focus.
"Trainer, my loyalty is not something easily discarded over trifles or mountains," King asserted. "If you aren't okay, you can let it out."
Several objections raised up in my mind. I was making something out of nothing. I was the adult. The time was probably late and they needed to be back. It wasn't worth their concern. I wasn't—
I did my best to assert myself over my mind again. "Thank you, King," I told her. My eyes flitted between both of them. King and Haru were waiting, ready to help carry whatever burdens I was struggling with. I took a deep breath. I knew the real reason I was hesitant to talk. I didn't want to let it win. They deserved to know as my trainees. "That officer, they… clocked me. It rattled me a bit."
King's expression changed, her eyes widening before narrowing to indicate her annoyance. Her mouth set in a scowl. Haru tilted her entire head and looked more confused than anything. I already knew I was going to need to explain the expression to her.
"What do you mean clocked? Did your alarm beep?" Haru asked.
Still recovering from the moment and putting my thoughts back together, I was left to mouth wordlessly for a moment. "Ah, no. That's not what that means," I told her. Suddenly I was very conscious of my surroundings. I needed to be elsewhere. At Tracen. I handed both of them their ice creams and gestured. "Come on, we'll walk and talk."
Haru took her ice and cream and began eating it like she was afraid it would melt, but kept her eyes expectantly on me. King walked on my other side, not letting her attention be distracted. Already, moving elsewhere made it easier to summon up the courage. I took another deep breath to ready myself.
"Haru, do you know what a trans person is?" I asked her.
To my surprise, Haru's eyes lit up excitedly. "Yeah! My friend Tatsuhiko is trans!" she answered.
King looked to be just as surprised as me. "That's wonderful, Haru. But who's Tatsuhiko?" King asked.
"Oh, he's my friend. We went to the same primary school," Haru explained. She grinned in-between bites of ice cream. "He's really cool."
I relaxed more. "That is cool," I agreed. A brief pause. "I'm also trans."
"Really? That's cool! You found yourself!" Haru cheered.
"Indeed, and you don't deserve any less respect than anyone else," King said. She flipped her hair. "And I never would have realized it if you hadn't told me. Not that you would have been any less for it if you didn't pass."
I knew they wouldn't reject me, I thought as I let out a deep exhale. I knew they were both good accepting people, I knew they wouldn't—and yet hearing it felt so freeing. It was the exact sort of assurance I needed in the moment. And King wasn't saying anything I didn't already know. Passing wasn't validity. I knew that. I knew that. I repeated in my head like a mantra.
The motion was unavoidable. I wrapped my arms around both of them and gave them a brief hug. "Thank you for your acceptance," I said. Damn it, I was going to cry. Come on Cynthia, keep it together. Their smiled were warm and comforting. Safe. "But to answer your question, Haru: clocking someone is to notice a trans person is trans and call them out on it in public."
Haru's expression crumbled like a house of cards and I felt a different type of dread seize me. "Trainer," she muttered like she was at confession, "Did I just clock my friend Tatsuhiko?"
"Huh? No, no no you didn't," I assured her.
"Really?" Haru asked.
"Really," King answered for me. "You're still a good friend, Haru. Trust my word on this."
That seemed enough to dissuade Haru's thoughts at the moment. I couldn't help the small smile as she brightened again. The conversation died down as Haru resumed eating her ice cream and King decided to take a few bites. They were both far braver for enjoying ice cream in this cold than I. And far kinder than I imagined.
Haru froze, eyes upward. "A shooting star!" she shouted, pointing. I looked up where she was pointing, but I had already missed it by the time Haru pointed it out. Still, seeing a shooting star at all in the city sky was impressive.
"You get to make a wish," I mentioned offhandedly. I didn't realize how much Haru was staring at me for a moment. "Hm? What is it?"
"I really get to make a wish?" Haru repeated excitedly. Her tail wagged like it was going to shake off.
"Yeah," I told her, a little amused. I turned to King. "That's a thing here, too, right?"
"It is," King confirmed, equally amused. "Make your wish, Haru Urara! And try with all your being to make it come true!"
"Okay!" Haru promised. She closed her eyes and focused. I let out a little sigh and took one of her hands so she didn't crash into anything. It was quiet only a few seconds before Haru opened her eyes again. "I did it! You want to hear?"
"Usually you have to keep it a secret so it comes true. Maybe that's only birthday wishes though?" I wondered aloud. "Up to you."
Haru's face scrunched up a little. "I'll keep it a secret then. I want it to come true the most, so I'll be extra careful," she declared.
"There you go. Now, let's get both of you back to Tracen already. King needs all the rest she can get for her race next week," I suggested.
"Ohohoho! Don't you worry, Trainer! I will achieve a victory worthy of my name! After all, I am a king!" King said, laughing extravagantly.
"You will," I agreed. I'd seen firsthand how much work she had put in since becoming my trainee. It wasn't even a question. Will, not can.
That seemed to encourage King to ask me for a call and response, her eyes twinkling. I maybe, maybe didn't deliver with as much volume as I knew I could.
*****
The alarm clock beeped at me.
"Unnngh," I grumbled. It was painfully loud. I silenced the alarm and muttered into my pillow. "Oh boy, 6AM." I stretched in bed, trying to rouse some wakefulness. My ears itched and my rear was… pinched? That's not a good feeling. I scratched my ears as I rolled to the edge.
I tried to scratch my ears.
I paused.
Where were my ears?
The sides of my head, where my ears should be, were earless. And yet my ears were itching.
That forced me awake better than any cold water or alarm clock.
I frantically rolled out of bed, nearly falling onto the floor, and tried to shake the sheets off me. Something in my hair was twitching. Was something else in my bed? A glance and suspicious pat confirmed no. I needed a mirror.
With a bed sheet still stubbornly wrapped around my foot I dragged myself into the bathroom and slapped the light on.
I stared into the mirror. My reflection stared back.
It… was off.
It was me, unquestionably so. Same eyes, same nose, same bewildered expression I knew I was wearing. But I looked younger? Like someone had knocked ten or more years off my age. And I was more feminine. Like I'd had a super dose of estrogen. And my ears…
My ears were not on the sides of my head.
I reached for the twitching ears on top, using the mirror to make sure I did so successfully. My touch confirmed what I was seeing. My ears were itchy. And shaped like an umamusume's.
Slowly, I glanced behind myself at my… previously pinched rear. My tail was twitching nervously.
Silence reigned in my brain for a minute. I think. I kind of blacked out.
Then the panic came in.
"What the actual hell?" I half shouted. My voice came out wrong. Not deep wrong, but too high wrong. Like I was over correcting. I made a strangled noise and felt my throat. No adam's apple. I checked elsewhere.
Yep, still me. A woman on the inside and out. And now with a tail and umamusume ears.
"What the actual hell?!" I shouted, louder this time.
I needed a doctor. I needed a psychiatrist. I needed… something, I didn't know what. I needed clothes.
Shaking the rogue sheet off my foot I scrambled to my dresser. An ensemble was yanked out at random and tossed on the bed. I climbed out of my pajamas, admittedly took a moment to look myself over and make sure nothing else was changed, and then started dressing. Forget breakfast. Forget makeup. I was in a state of confusion and panic.
My stomach grumbled. No, can't eat, too freaked out.
I pulled up my pants and yelped. The hem had slammed into my tail and it had hurt. Bad. I held onto the appendage carefully, trying to soothe the pain away. Right. Tail. I need… I need umamusume pants. I did not own umamusume pants.
But I couldn't just walk out without pants either.
Maybe wear a really big shirt and a skirt, with the skirt pulled right under the tail? Maybe. But I knew that wouldn't stay and I didn't want to be seen hanging onto my skirt for dear life. Cut a hole in some pants? But how would I feed my tail through without hurting it worse? That last attempt had been really unpleasant.
I needed someone to bring me pants. Or a skirt. Or shorts, or anything. But who?
There was really only one option, I thought as I pulled my phone off the nightstand. A trainer's best friend and confidant for all the insanity that Tracen could offer.
I slapped the phone against the side of my head before realizing my ears had moved. After a few fumbled presses, I put it on speakerphone.
The other side answered. "Hello, this is Tazuna Hayakawa speaking," she answered.
"Hayakawa-san," I said, too worked up to realize how desperate I sounded. "I need your help."