Work Text:
You have always been the kind of person that does not feel much, even though you have always seeked to feel things. It was this need to feel that drove you to join the Survey Corps in the first place. You wanted to know if you’d fear death, if you’d feel sad for the losses of those around you.
But you never once did. You never once felt the natural human fear of when death was just arond the corner. You never once felt the sadness striking you hard every time the others that surrounded you died.
Despite that there was someone who did feel every single things deeply than everyone else, but this person always wore this fierce expression that didn’t allow anyone to see through it. You, however, was much more of na observer than the others.
You could see through that cold look in those steel blue eyes. You could see him mourn the death of every fallen comrade. He would speak less, would get rougher each time it happened. And you were the only one who knew that it was nothing more than his way to mourn.
Erwin would try to build a wall to keep all of his pain and grief out, because if he showed it like the others did, everyone would eventually fall apart. Erwin and Levi were the pillars that kept hope inside those walls. While they lived, there was still hope that the nightmare would end.
He never hesitated to put others or even himself in the line if the meant to reach his goals. In the beggining, you had the wrong idea that Erwin was like you because of how people would say he was a monster that had no feelings, that he was willing to sacrifice every last one of you if it meant he would reach his goal.
“You really are a monster.” You muttered after you swallowed the hot tea. “You feel more than anyone here, yet you continue to cause yourself to grieve. Are you a masochist of some sort?”
Hanji and Levi raised their looks to meet you, while Erwin had his eyes fixed on the hot liquid in his mug.
“More than anything, I wish to understand.” He answered after some time. “I also wish to save the lives of those inside these walls.”
“You are doing that by sacrificing the lives of those who are brave enough to fight outside these walls.” You couldn’t help but say it, tilting your head to the side as he glanced up at his troubled expression.
“Someone has to go outside the walls if you want to save the ones that are inside, if we just cower in a corner and deffend ourselves, we’ll fall eventually.” Hanji got inbetween the two of you when Erwin finally looked into your eyes, a serious expression on her face.
“Sacrifices are to be made if we are to get somewhere.” The commander spoke finally, moving to stand across from you. “If you are not ready to die for our cause at this point, then I do not know what you are still doing here.”
“Not our cause, yours.” You glanced up at him, a smug look on your face. “My cause is to find out if I can feel. The cause of those sacrifices as you call is to save themselves and those inside these walls.” You tilted your head to the side. “Your cause, however, is to find out the truth about the titans.”
“It is, indeed. But by finding the truth about them, we can find a way out of this hell. And-“
“Even if finding this truth didn’t meant a way out, you’d still want to know it anyway.” You cut him, (size) eyes glancing up at him. “You seek the truth as I seek to feel, I understand that. But at the same time, you’re damaged beyond repair. This truth you seek is costing you not only your humanity, but your sanity. You do know that, don’t you? Yet you still fallow this path that’ll lead you nowhere but to your own grave, commander.”
This time you could not tell what was in his eyes as he stood there stilently, watching you as you crushed him with your harsh words.
“I do not say this to wish you harm, or anything bad. It’s only what I can see for all of our futures; that we will die before we find whatever it is each of us look for. It’s nothing but the truth of this world where we live in.” You sighed, glancing at Levi and Hanji before looking back at your commander. “But I do wish for you to find the truth you’re looking for, Erwin.”
Your smile after those words ended the conversation. The room was now quiet, the four old friends sipping their teas as the bittersweet words still lingered in that small room in the past where you were all together. You meant it. Wishing that the commander found what he was looking for. You really did. That was perhaps the first feeling of your own, even though you did not know it yourself at the time.