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Language:
English
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Published:
2013-04-26
Completed:
2013-08-01
Words:
5,840
Chapters:
4/4
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My last letter

Summary:

Clint's suicide note...

Notes:

This prompt at Avengerskink: Clint centric, OT6 polyamory TRIGGER WARNING! past child sexual abuse, depression, suicide

Inspired by several different prompts/fills, blended toghether.

The Avengers are in the beginning or about to enter a polyamorous relationship toghether, because, you know, they all love each other and are a family and stuff.

The only one with doubts is Clint. Clint is not not at all sure they love him. After all, he was abused and ran away as a child, joined the circus, and there suffered sever sexual abuse as well. It's not an understatement that he has a hard time trusting people.

Clint do have one memoribilia from his time at the circus, though, something he’s never gotten rid off because he never want to forget how helpless he was. It’s a video tape, shot during a night he got raped by several different men. And then, somehow, one of the other Avengers find it, thinking it’s just some regular porn Clint has hidden in his closet, and desides to watch it, trying to figure out what turns Clint on, since he’s always a little off during their times toghether. Which leads to the other findingo ut as well.

Clint has never told anyone about what he went through during his time at the circus, and he sure as hell isn’t going to do it now, now that some good stuff finally come his way.
Butt hen, they do find out. And not only do they find out, they throw him off the team, telling him he’s disgusting and sick. But the thing is, the others have no idea that the boy in the video is Clint. And Clint doesn’t know that they don’t know it’s him. He figures they don’t want to have anything to do with him now that they’ve seen him being gang raped. That he’s spoiled goods. And Clint can’t blame them. He knows he’s digusting, too.

So Clint leave and plunges right into depression, finally desiding to end his life. But before he goes, he pen his suicide letter, addressing it to Steve, since he is the most likely to not just delete it, where he desperatly try to explaine that he didn’t want it, that he was a child when thoat video tape was made, and that although that’s no excuse, he hopes the others one day can forgive him.

If the other Avengers saves Clint in time or if they’re too late is up to the filler. Happy-ish ending or tragic ending, I don’t really care.

God, I hate myself for putting poor Clint through all this. Runs off to hide in a dark corner now.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Dear Steve,

I hope you don't throw away this letter immediately.

When you read this, then I'm dead by my own hand. But I didn't want to go without an explanation why I did this. I hope you can tell the others. And maybe, just maybe, understand me, at least a little bit and I regret that it has to end this way but believe me when I say I can understand you.

I was really honored to be part of this team. And even if I couldn't always show it, I really loved you. All of you. After all what happened in my life it was not easy for me to show trust, but believe me, I did trust you. It was nice to know that there were people who cared for me without wanting something in return, who didn't see the tainted brat I was, who only saw who I had become. I'm sorry that it didn't last and that you had to find it out this way.

I know you all read my file as I read yours. But there isn't everything in it and you need to know everything to understand. You know that I ran away with my brother when we were kids, but the file didn't say why. It was because my brother wanted to save me and himself from our father. I was six years old when he came to me the first time. I didn't know that it was wrong what he did, all I knew was that it hurt so much and my mother couldn't help me because he beat the shit out of her when she tried. I was ten when we had finally managed to run away. We became part of Carson's carnival of traveling wonders. And it was nice at first. They didn't ask questions. When the authorities came they told them we were the kids of some of the carnies. We had to work hard for our living but it was okay, nothing we couldn't handle.

At the circus I've met Trick Shot, the best Marksman in the world. And he saw that I had a talent and said, he would teach me. I became his personal assistant, I worked only for him and Swordsman henceforward and they taught me how to shoot with a bow, with a gun, with a rifle and to fight with a sword or with my bare hands. The two became my mentors. I didn't know that I had to pay them someday. When I was thirteen, Swordsman called me to his trailer and there was this man. He paid for my service, the special service as Trick Shot called it. I didn't want it, please believe me. I fought but the man was so big and he held me down and once again it hurt so bad. They said, if I want to stay at the circus I had to pay them for my stay and for Barney's. That was, when they made the tape you saw. I know, I should've fought harder but I was fourteen years old and they were six grown men but I know now that this is not an excuse. I discovered that tape a few years later, when I finally fought against Trick Shot. I killed him, you know that. He had the tape, all of them, in his safe. I didn't know why I kept this one. Maybe to remind myself who I was once and who I had become, maybe to just remind myself that I didn't want to be this helpless ever again.

Then, after the incident with Loki and the Chitauri, I became a member of your team. And for the first time I felt accepted. No one at SHIELD ever trusted me like you did. They always saw the killer, the spy, the dumb ex-carnie. They tolerated me but they never trusted me, except Natasha and Phil and it is my fault that Phil is dead now. I helped Loki with his plan and I killed my colleagues and one of the few friends I had died because of me. But none of you ever blamed me for it and it felt so good. I know, it was selfish to not tell you but it was the first time I got accepted and I didn't want to screw it up. But I guess that was my mistake, wasn't it? I should've gone long before you found out that I'm only damaged goods. You've been right to throw me out of the team.

I should've told you. I know that now but I hoped, I really hoped, that it would be different this time, that maybe you could accept me the way I am. When this 'thing' started between us (yes, I still say us), it felt good, like family, like family should be and even if I wasn't able to show it to you most of the time, I loved you and I still love you and I know that I failed you, that I soiled that wonderful relationship. But I hope someday you all can forgive me.

I decided to end my life because I don't want to live without all of you, can't live without you. Since I left New York I miss you all. Every day I wake up and I feel so empty and I know it's my own fault. But I can't do anything against it. I still love you and I miss you and this life is inane without you. I screwed it up and I deserve to be alone but I can't stand it any longer. And so, this is my last letter. Please, forgive me what I've done to you.

Love, Clint

PS: I know I'm asking a lot but maybe you could arrange that I don't get buried but cremated and my ashes get spread over the ocean. Maybe some fisherman can do it.