Chapter Text
I wonder when all this started, when I began to feel so many things for just one person, a woman. Being a woman myself, I already knew my feelings weren't platonic at all. Ever since these stupid flowers started growing in my lungs, it was when I was fourteen... or maybe fifteen, well, I don't even know anymore. I started coughing up buttercups, first just petals, then the whole flower. As the years went by, it wasn't just one flower anymore, but a bunch of different flowers. The craziest thing is that it seemed like I coughed them up depending on what I am feeling.
Right now I can feel a gardenia tickling my throat. After that, I start coughing, hurting my throat even more. Again, it's a whole flower, stem and all, covered in blood and saliva, but beautiful, though not as beautiful as Lapis. It would be crazy to say I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, right? But I wouldn't be lying. With a body like hers,.....fuck, my throat itches again. I started coughing once more. Dills... at least these don't hurt as much. It would also be crazy to think that surgery isn't an option. I know it could save my life, but what kind of life would it be if Lapis is just a stranger? I couldn't live like this... She's been my friend for so many years, my best friend. Thanks to her, I know how to swim
Oh, I still remember when she dragged me to the lake behind her house... We were about eight years old. I thought I was going to drown, but I didn't at the time. But now I am drowning in this sea of feelings: nostalgia, love, jealousy, shame, sadness, want. I want her. I want to have her close. I want to feel her arms around me. I want to be able to kiss, I want to be able to feel all of this without slowly dying, without having to swallow up my feelings to save our friendship.
Today Lapis invited me out, so I have to get out of bed and smoke a cigarette. I don't even like smoking; it's disgusting, the taste is horrible, but it calms the flowers in my lungs for a few hours. After smoking, I have to take a shower and pray that I don't smell like tobacco, otherwise Lapis will suspect something's wrong. Lapis isn't stupid; besides being beautiful, she's also smart. At least I have good taste. After going out on the balcony and smoking, I showered and brushed my teeth. I also doused myself in almost a full bottle of perfume, just in case. Oh, Lapis, if only you knew how much I love you, would you leave or stay here with me? I cough one last time. This time I force myself to cough just in case, and a wilted forget-me-not falls into the sink.
For some strange reason, I decide to pick up the dying flower and pluck its petals one by one. She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not. And so I continued until my phone rang, a message from Lapis: "I'm on my way to your house to pick you up." I look in the mirror one last time; everything seems to be in order, but I fix my hair one last time, just in case.