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You've never really been the same since it happened. You don't know what caused it, Jean said it was a snowball effect in your brain. Not just one big moment but the cumulation of multiple stressors. Needless to say, your trauma was difficult to deal with. It felt unreal, without some moment to pin it on, what could've done it to you?
It was one of those days, where it felt as if your brain couldn't think right. Where trains of thought were left disjointed, without tracks or railway stations to go through. They floated aimlessly throughout your head, and the whole world felt unreal. Untouchable. Intangible. You could only see one angle, one dimension of reality but your brain couldn't make up for the rest.
You could only imagine what you looked like. Lack of sleep, the flush from your cheeks sucked out, leaving you paled and sickly. Pacing back and forth in a rhythmic almost dreamlike manner. When Illyana saw you, all she could focus on was your eyes. Dead and lifeless, like two still water pools that looked into nothing.
Her girlfriend, mumbling and pacing in the middle of the den, at 1 AM. Yea, she had some concerns.
"…What is wrong?" Magik winced at her words, harsh and cutthroat in tone. She wasn't a monster, at least, she tried not to be. The whole compassion thing was harder than she expected but it was something she was willing to test. Especially since it was you and despite not admitting it often, you were different and special and she loved you.
You pause, her words snapping you out of your awkward trauma induced haze. It felt as if the floor beneath you was spinning, and you really wanted it to stop. You didn't respond for a few moment, just gathering yourself up until you felt real enough to say anything. "S- sorry, can't sleep." You awkwardly chuckle, you didn't like how she looked at you.
"I call bullshit." She sits down on one of the chairs beside you, knees separating so you can crawl between them. Concern pinched at her blue eyes, roving over your body. Illyana looked as tired as you did, in only boxers and a sport bra. You could see all the bruises she got from training in the dim light, purple and yellowed up her sides and down her arms. "You look like you saw Limbo."
Magic was utterly beautiful. You were nearly jealous of it at times as you watched her muscles shift beneath her pale skin. Rough hands rubbed together, her eyes fluttering with pain when she moved.
You can't help but laugh at her comment, fingers finding your hair to run through, to do something with. You had been to Limbo with her a few times before, danger room simulations and the real thing. But it still didn't even add up to what you saw when you closed your eyes. Limbo didn't want to make you crawl out of your skin in shame, or scream sob in anger.
You wander for a few seconds, before she grabs the back of your shirt and yanks you down. You squeak, the breath sucked out of you before you could finally breathe again. Her thighs were solid and real beneath you. "Sorry, Yana, I-…I don't really wanna talk about it, ya know? I just feel all wrong on the inside, I can't sleep."
It felt like too much information, guilt already pulling at the bottom of your belly. You really couldn't keep your mouth shut at the best of times.
She pauses, nails tracing up and down your bare hips, your words mulling around in her head. Her blonde brows furrow slightly, breathing coming out in slight huffs. "Ah, I know…the feeling." Illyana gently admits, shrugging. "There is much you can do to get the mind off of such matters, if you wish."
The notion was kind, something you never really talked about before. Illyana did not speak about her problems, she hid away until she felt fine and could come back and assumed nearly everyone felt the same. But you weren't just another X-man for her to push away, Magik knew that. So as uncomfortable as it was, the two of you had to cope. She was not getting abandoned again.
"Can we just…cuddle?" You gently ask, fingers slipping down to tangle in themselves. And you looked so cute, in your little pj's and your pout, she couldn't dare so no to a request like that.
The little space heater shared between the two of you was enough for the room. Two girls, squeezed into a bed, you had to practically straddle Illyana to fit. You couldn't stop laughing, her breathless giggles fueling your own as you puzzle piece your way into something comfortable.
The scent of something woody and feminine filled your nose as you got closer and closer. Hidden, deep behind closed doors, Yana was your romantic. And you had noticed that she wore the same perfume every day that you complimented months ago, even if you didn't say anything.
"Omph— god, milaya you're so heavy" Magik playfully groaned, pulling you deeper into her. Hips atop her slim belly, lips tracing your forehead and temple. "Comfortable?"
"Very." You reassure, slipping back deeper into her muscled arms, biceps framing your skull. "This was…needed."
"I assumed. You looked so…" She caught herself, a sort of solemn silence filling up the space. You sigh, curling in just a deep closer. Without her, you would assume closing your eyes would mean something on the other side. Something awful waiting for you in your brain but it's hard when all you feel and smell and see and sense is your beautiful Yana.
"I know." You fill the silence, letting her just touch you. God only knew how much both of you needed it by now. "How's training?" You prod, you've never been good in silence.
"Tough, hurts like shit and none of these children know how to fight but…it is fine." She shifts, rolling over to stare into your eyes. "It is fine with you."
You smile and so does she, before pressing her lips into yours. Hands cradling you with the utmost gentleness. She pulls back to murmur a soft love you before pressing back in. There was a little bubble around where both of you lay, and nothing would break through