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They haven’t spoken since their argument, not a single word.
He figured something like this was bound to happen, an argument, he meant; he just didn’t expect it to be so soon. Things were still fine just a few days ago— things were perfectly fine just a few days ago in fact! Even after he’d confessed to him!
He only tried to learn more about Lu Guang. …And then he was upset when he barely told him anything new or anything surprising. It’s not that he’s mad at him, it’s more that… Lu Guang’s the type to barely open even to his closest friends, and having the same happen to him while he was the closest person to Lu Guang really just… made it seem like he still couldn’t trust him, even all these years.
…Maybe he wasn’t the closest, but honestly, he’s never seen him hang out with anyone else, anyway! There’s nothing wrong with his assumption!
Lu Guang, who always held the title of cold-blood king at their school, really had that air to him, for the first time in his eyes. He felt like he’s seen a whole new side of him, then.
“Lu Guang!” He yelled at him as his heart ached, so much more than usual. He had an idea why, but didn’t want to put it into words.
“I’ve told you everything you need to know. You don’t need to go prying any further into my life than you already have.”
Cold, curt, and final. That’s how his response felt— a rejection to his compassion.
“That’s enough. No more of this, Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang couldn’t even bring himself to face him.
Their argument ended there, after he’d left the room frustrated as Lu Guang said nothing more.. They haven’t spoken since, not when they crossed paths, nor when they worked together. Everything was done in a silence far too loud for the likes of both of them. Even so, he always left him a fresh toast for his breakfast and a warm cup of coffee in the morning.
It was raining heavily that night, unexpectedly. They were loud, the droplets hitting the frames of the sunroom.
Lu Guang had left earlier that day, before the rain, and before he woke up. He didn’t leave a note for him, nor a text or a message of any kind. He doesn’t know where he’s run off to, nor when he’s going to come back. He’s thankful that it happened during one of their day-offs, but at the same time, there’s really nothing to be glad about Lu Guang being absent the entire day. It’s the first time he’s pulled a stunt like this.
…That idiot. He didn’t even bring an umbrella with him. If he comes home now, he’ll be drenched through and through in water from the rain. He might even get a cold with the rain pouring this heavily. Who knows what he wore when he walked out of that door?
He told himself Lu Guang was definitely going to walk out that door sooner or later, that he just had to be a little more patient and then everything would end well. Lu Guang would be back home, and then they could resolve their little quarrel there.
A minute passed, then two after that. He grew impatient, and soon walked out the door himself with an umbrella and his phone in hand. The only thing that was important was finding Lu Guang amidst all the splatter.
He trailed around the neighbourhood, walked around the places he assumed Lu Guang could be which, in full honestly, were close to none, given Lu Guang was always the one that accompanied him out to places he liked, not the other way around. He found him walking before him toward the Photo Studio, though their location itself was quite far from it. It’s further than he’s ever gone before on a whim. He didn’t even know Lu Guang was aware of places like these outside their neighbourhood; he always had the impression he was more of an indoor person.
He didn’t say anything to him when he crept up to him, only raising his umbrella enough so it would cover both of them from the rain, and in its own way, it was enough for them. Lu Guang stopped, surprised, he supposes, then barely turned his head to him, before continuing to walk along the path.
He was breathing heavily after having run around the whole neighbourhood like that to find him.
“You’ll get a cold, Lu Guang.” Worry was what filled his thoughts at this very moment, worry for Lu Guang’s safety, and worry for Lu Guang’s wellbeing.
Lu Guang didn’t reply. His hair dripped water onto the ground from its ends. He took an extra step in front to walk beside him rather than behind him.
“Are you still mad at me?” It was innocent, the tone his voice took. Innocent was his tone if it meant curiosity, worry, amusement, disappointment, all at once.
Lu Guang kept on walking. He followed along.
‘Let’s go home.’ was something he figured he need not say, not when the gesture was so easily understandable. Even someone as blockheaded as Lu Guang when it came to love would figure it out in a matter of seconds.
“Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang’s voice cut through the silence. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
He paused, keeping silent as he swallowed once, his Adam’s apple bobbing along. The streets were rather empty at this hour and with this weather; he continued walking forward while his eyes were fixated on Lu Guang.
“Hm?”
Seconds passed, and though his expression had barely changed, he knew Lu Guang was becoming more and more hesitant of his choices.
His eyes shifted over to the way his jacket— he wouldn’t even consider it as a jacket with how thin it is— and his shirt were thoroughly soaked to the brim, dripping with every step they took.
This man, he really…
“Hold the umbrella for a second.”
Lu Guang didn’t ask questions, and opened his hand the moment he shoved (lightly) into his palm. He didn’t say anything, his eyes only followed his movements where a raised brow came to be.
Watching Lu Guang soaked like that, knowing he was probably freezing to death every moment, even more so whenever the night breeze blew past them while he walked comfortably beside him in his sweater, the least he could do was to give him his sweater. He’d let him borrow it, you see. (indefinitely).
“Do you ever think a day would come where things would change? In me, and in you. In us.”
His question came out of the blue, entirely unexpected as he was draping his sweater over his shoulder, wiping off some water droplets that had fallen onto his face.
“What do you mean?” He’d planned on listening to him without saying a single word, and to give him all the time and comfort he needed for something like this, but noticing just how much heavier his sweater had become after the rain, he felt the need to ask. He still held back his question.
“Do you think you could come to hate me one day?”
It took him by surprise, what he asked him. Hate Lu Guang? No, never. Why would he ever hate him? Lu Guang wasn’t the type to turn his back on someone, not even a stranger. He’s the kindest person he’s ever met.
“That’s impossible.”
Lu Guang looked at him as if he’d already known this would’ve been his answer long ago. His eyes gaze upon the ground, even though he spoke to him.
“I’ll betray you someday. I’ll break your trust.”
Not a ‘What if’. Not a hypothetical scenario that would never happen in this life. He said it like it was a fact he’d acknowledged since the beginning of their relationship. ‘I will…’
“You probably had a reason for that. I don’t dare think even this moment right now was fake? At least your emotions here were real, were they not? That tells me all I need to know about what kind of person you are already.”
Lu Guang’s breath hitched, and he nearly noticed him going still mid-step.
“Lu Guang?” He spotted the Photo Studio in the distance. He grabbed Lu Guang’s hand and quickly hurried over. “Come on. Let’s get you somewhere warm. Are you able to keep up? I’ll adjust to you.”
“Mn. Not too fast though.”
The sounds of their footsteps against puddles of water echoed through the street, hasty, and rushed. His own forearm started getting wet by the rain because he didn’t want Lu Guang getting any more soaked than he already was. He felt Lu Guang’s hold tightening around his hand too when he was running. He didn’t let go even when he fumbled around to open the front door.
“I’ll go make you a cup of hot tea. You’re probably freezing from all that. Why didn’t you call me when it started raining? I would’ve come to find you in an instant.”
He wasn’t forcing him to call him next time something like this happens. It was rather to reach out to his withdrawn and distant heart, to let him know even after their fight, he would still, without a second thought, and as poetic as he could make it seem, ‘traverse the seven seas’ for him.
“I’m fine.”
All because he was absolutely smitten with him.
“Is there anything else you want? I’ll get it done for you.”
For the first time of that day, he’d finally seen Lu Guang looking at him in the eyes. They were tired, and red at the edges, the usual and expected complexion of someone who had just finished crying just moments ago.
If it were anyone else, he’d worry and fuss over them like any other person. That was if it was anyone else— he hadn’t seen Lu Guang cry before, not once in his entire life. (It wasn’t something he wanted to see either.) He didn’t know how to comfort him after seeing him like that.
‘Had he cried when he was away?’ was the first thing that came to mind. ‘Lu Guang, how do you expect me to be mad at you when you’re like this?’ was the second.
How could he ever be mad at Lu Guang? Sure, there might be bouts of frustration that come and go whenever they fight. But they come and go. It doesn’t linger, no, not at all. It doesn’t take longer for it to all disappear before changing into something like worry either.
“Do you want to rest instead? If you want, I’ll even tuck you in and sing a sweet little lullaby for you.”
It’s only then he realized he and Lu Guang still hadn’t let go of their hands back when they rushed back home, when Lu Guang turned and walked away without another word. He quickly let go, despite every part of him wanting the very opposite of that.
“Hey, I was just joking! Won’t you come back?”
He watched Lu Guang’s figure stop at the mention of his request— his stupid, childish request, and took the opportunity to rush toward him and wrap his arms around his neck with a jump.
“Pretty please?” He whispered, soft, sweet, and worst of all, coquettishly.
He tipped his head forward, just enough for him to turn over to Lu Guang and for him to see that signature grin of his. His hair still dripped water along the floor tiles.
Embarrassingly, he had entirely forgotten about that, for that split second, about their fight, about everything that had just happened only minutes ago.
“...You should probably clean up first.” he said, in between fake coughs. “I’ll brew a cup of tea for you.”
Too close.
He was way too close to Lu Guang, just now. He… He wouldn’t be able to form a coherent thought if he stayed that close to him. Definitely not. Something in Lu Guang’s eyes made it just so much worse, the fact that there was barely any distance between them. Why’d he have to go and look at him like that? It was… It was…! He… He looked like he…! What did that even mean for him anyway!!?
“Cheng Xiaoshi?” Lu Guang’s voice snapped him back to reality. “I’m going to take a shower.”
“Ah. Right. You go… do that. Everything’ll be ready once you’re out.” It probably will be in any case.
It’s terrible. How everything’s already gone back to normal. How they’ve already reverted back to their old routine. Mostly everything at least. (He’s calling it right now, he’ll forget all about this fight with how they’re going to act later in the night. Things are going to be resolved so quickly that he’ll just put the whole thing aside and pretend it was just another occasional thing for them. He’ll pretend that it was nothing or something; it’s too early for another argument.)
Lu Guang stared at him, for a second too long before stepping away. “Don’t get hurt.”
His gaze lingered on the same place where Lu Guang had stood only seconds before his figure disappeared up the stairs.
Don’t get hurt? As if he will! Who’s the better cook in this house?! He can manage things by himself no problem. He doesn’t need to call him for help. It’s one cup of tea! He’s done this millions of times before. He won’t mess up. He won’t mess up! He won’t… Right. Okay. He’s got the point already.
The water started running upstairs; He should hurry on with that tea he promised him. They should still have some leftover chamomile flower heads in the cupboard; it’ll probably help him sleep better tonight too. He looked like he hadn't had a good sleep in a while.
It’s not like he stayed up crazy late every night because of some mysterious insomnia he didn’t know he had. …Certainly not. There would’ve been signs if he did, right. Lu Guang, he just… What was keeping him like that? Other than nightmares, he couldn’t think of anything else. Lu Guang wasn't someone who often had nightmares, not as far as he knew.
Maybe it’ll just be a one time thing. Hopefully it’ll be a one time thing. He couldn’t possibly be able to go through all of this again.
The kettle switch clicked, loudly at that— He nearly jumped at the sound of it.
The tea brew, in one of those special mugs— there were two matching car and dog stickers on each mug, they’d given one another last Christmas. He waited for it to finish brewing as he brought it upstairs to their bedroom. Patiently. He even filled the other mug with tea for himself and left them steaming on their desk to cool down.
Lu Guang didn’t like his tea burning hot, he never did, not since the day he showed up at the Photo Studio, nor now. He liked it better a little warmer than just warm. Said how it was a lot more ‘home’ than the recommendations online.
“You’re already here?” Lu Guang’s voice came from behind. He was at the doorway when he turned around, standing there with a hand on its casing while the other held a towel drying off damper parts of his hair.
“Your hair’s still wet. Did you dry it at all?” He shot him an accusatory glance when he saw him walking over before gesturing to him to come closer. “Sit down. I’ll do it for you. You can sip on your tea in the meantime. I’m not taking any objections.”
“I–”
“No objections.”
Lu Guang sighed, helpless, then followed his ‘orders’.
“We have a hair dryer. What are you using regular towels for? That’s barely going to do anything when your hair’s this wet. Idiot.”
It felt odd being the one scolding Lu Guang. It was usually the other way around. Even calling him an idiot was more of a Lu Guang thing than a Cheng Xiaoshi thing. When has he ever called anyone an idiot before? When did he start talking like Lu Guang during moments like these? This is all his fault. Lu Guang will have to pay him back for that in the near future.
“My hair’s short enough that a towel will do.”
His hair was by no means any more special than any other human being’s. The only most striking thing about it was that it was white instead of the usual black and brown hair colours in China.
“Who do you think you’re fooling with that statement?”
The only thing that filled the air now were the sounds of the hairdryer and the moments Lu Guang would sip on his tea.
He had a sip of the tea he made from Lu Guang’s mug a while ago. It really was as good as he’s told him before, so good that it can't even compare with the ways the reviews and recommendations describe their best.
He had a handful of Lu Guang’s hair in his hand, sprawled across all five of his fingers, messy, but clean and smooth.
‘Say, Lu Guang, when did your hair get so soft?’ He wanted to ask— He was about to ask.
He never did, because Lu Guang had, to everyone’s surprise— everyone meaning him and him only, dozed off waiting for him to finish blow drying his hair. His head rested loosely on his palms, letting it follow whichever positions and angles he put it in to dry every last part of it without another care in the world.
Instead, while his head faced the ceiling to dry his bangs, he pressed a kiss to his forehead when he wasn’t paying attention, when he was most likely not going to notice it amidst the comfort of the warmth that surrounded him.
Lu Guang still fluttered his eyelashes open at its touch, and he could only force a guilty awkward and embarrassed smile for being found out under his gaze.
He’d gone and messed everything up with that kiss. It hadn’t even been a full twenty-four hours since things went back on track. It hasn’t even been two.
He didn’t say anything, neither did Lu Guang. He looked away from Lu Guang filled with guilt and regret while he felt his eyes glued to his face, searching for a semblance of who knows what.
“Cheng Xiaoshi.” Oh, please just forget about it. “That kiss…”
Lu Guang started slow, but he couldn’t bring himself to be any more patient.
“I’m sorry!! I acted without thinking and—”
He stopped after hearing Lu Guang stifle down a laugh.
“Pfft–”
???
“Lu Guang, are you laughing at me?”
It took him a few seconds to pull himself together, those same few seconds that turned out to be very long from his perspective and very precious to him.
“Oh, I would never.”
Lu Guang finally turned over on the chair, changing his posture to properly face him rather than having his back face him.
“You worry about the silliest things sometimes,” he said. The words themselves sounded like he was making fun of him, yet he’d said it with a kind of tenderness he didn’t know was possible for Lu Guang’s character. His eyes softened too. “Thank you, Cheng Xiaoshi.
He grabbed onto his hands, then slid his fingers up until their hands entwined.
“For helping me realize what's most important in this life.” It wasn’t said explicitly, but the meaning behind his words were clearer than ever.
‘You are the most important person to me.’
Knowing Lu Guang, he was almost a hundred percent sure that he still wouldn’t open up to him, even after all of this, and despite everything else.
“Hey, Lu Guang.” The crescent moon found its shape as the clouds drifted apart, its light illuminating the edges of his figure. “Can I—”
“Absolutely not,” he said, without any real bite despite how quick it came. Something in his voice made it seem more like a simple refusal than a rejection, like he’s already had enough with how many kisses he had pampered him with that day.
It’s a little funny, to him. The only kiss he’d ever given was the one to his forehead, and it had been his first too.
“Not even one? You wouldn’t grace me with a single peck of your lips?”
Lu Guang averted his eyes elsewhere, a faint blush bringing color to his cheeks.
“...One. Nothing more than that.”
He must be dreaming. Everything that’s happened until now, if he didn’t know any better, he really would’ve thought he was stuck in a dream.
His hands cupped his cheeks, and he pressed a kiss on his cheek, then one on his lips. “Lu Guang, I really like you, you know.”
“That’s two kisses.”
It was more an observation than a reprimand, and Lu Guang didn’t seem upset about it in the least. He kissed him under his eye.
“Three.”
His temple.
“Four. How many kisses do you plan to give me? Go to sleep. It’s late.” He kissed him on his lips again. “Cheng Xiaoshi.”
His jaw.
“I don’t want to.”
“Cheng Xiaoshi.”
He wrapped his hands around his neck and wouldn’t let go, burrowing his head in the crook of his neck, nuzzling the only patches of space that were available to him.
There was silence, then there was not. Lu Guang reached a hand out and cupped the back of his head, his touch delicate and gentle.
He breathed in, then out. He was happy— he didn’t have a reason not to, but something about this whole interaction made everything feel so bittersweet.
“Cheng Xiaoshi? What’s wrong?”
He didn’t let go— wouldn’t, let go.
“No, I’m just… really happy.” A whisper at best, a murmur at worst. He didn’t even know if it was loud enough for Lu Guang to hear.
“Mm.”
Even so, as long as he could stay with him forever, and stay close to him forever, he would be happy.
༝༚༝༚
Lu Guang looked down at Cheng Xiaoshi’s sleeping figure, his chest rising and descending with every breath he took. He leaned over, sweeping away the little bits of his hair that rested over his forehead, and pressed a kiss at the same spot.
“This is the least you owe for what you stole from me.”