Chapter Text
You blush under your kakushi mask, your eyes shining with a typical spark that appears whenever you see a certain boy with black hair and blue eyes, specifically Tomioka Giyuu, the current Water Hashira.
To be honest, you don't have much reason to be in love, it's not like he treats you especially well or badly, he's just indifferent, and of course, you can't blame him either. You'd exchanged words with him once or twice, not because you didn't want to (and you didn't want to because you were sure you'd have some kind of heart attack if you had a conversation longer than 10 minutes with him), but because your position in the organization didn't allow it.
Kakushis are strictly prohibited from revealing any personal data or even removing their masks.
You certainly didn't expect less or more from his attitude; he's stoic, doesn't know you, and it's obvious he wouldn't treat you differently.
That means he doesn't treat you like a nuisance either.
It increases your silly hopes like a schoolgirl in love because, well, maybe not today but someday he might go from indifference to a smile, and in your mind taking about him, that could only mean marriage and two turtles.
You can't say your face is unknown to him, that he just doesn't remember you, and maybe that's why he doesn't smile or act kindly towards you, because in the first place, he never saw your face. If he did, would he think you're pretty? Maybe not, maybe he wouldn't even think you're ugly, maybe you'd just be another face in Tomioka Giyuu's life, a man always described as boring even by those of lower rank. Still, you believe the opposite.
You snap out of your pathetic and, to anyone else, strange and unknown daydream when a colleague gives you a light tap on the shoulder, reminding you of your work, which you'd paused to dream about the Hashira like a kid dreaming about opening Christmas presents early.
You nod and start taking the pulses of various injured people before attending to those in worse condition who need urgent help. From what you heard from other kakushis whose voices you don't recognize due to constant team rotations, it had been a Lower Moon, the fourth one specifically, though you only heard it was some kind of shapeless worm.
Details about appearance didn't matter much if the demon was dead. There were about four injured hunters, but the Hashira sent hadn't had a single scratch, which to you, someone who gets hurt and scrapes themselves on everything, was amazing and, of course, worthy of admiration.
Hashiras are certainly incredible!
Or at least that's what you think, assuming they all have the same strength as the one present. You don't like saying you're in love with him; you don't know him at all, you've just heard about the Water Pillar and exchanged maybe 2 or 3 words with the man, but you have to admit you like the sound of his monotonous voice, the calmness of his gaze, and of course, you admire how strong he is!
He seems kind and respectful, though unfortunately not very cheerful, which takes away a point from your mini list of things you like.
You've had small interactions with him, nothing beyond "Are you hurt?" or "Do you need medical assistance?" or "Can I help you with something?" Even knowing the answer would be no, it seems like fate makes you run into him every time he comes to help a group of exterminators and you go to treat them.
It's all fate's fault! You think angrily while carrying an exterminator and, with the rest of your group, taking others towards the Butterfly Estate. It's a miracle you didn't crash into a tree while daydreaming. It's not ideal to hurt an already injured hunter or receive a reprimand from your team leader.
Thankfully, you all arrive in a few hours; you didn't want to walk two days to the Butterfly State.
The sun is high, approaching midday, presumably not your favorite time. You prefer sunsets; if you didn't have to carry exterminators from afar, it's usually the least busy part of your day since you just have to wait until night to get back to work.
You can't help but smile under your mask; you already arrived! And quite early, maybe you'd have some extra free time to sleep in. Within minutes, y'all placed the injured hunters in the indicated rooms. You hoped not to be called until the next day's early hours; maybe you could spend part of the day sewing and embroidering clothes. Maybe you could also make a... Fuck.
Oh really fuck.
You press the left section of your chest until the pain subsides, leaving only a familiar tension. Suddenly, you feel a squeeze on your shoulder.
-Are you okay, young lady?! -You look up at the tall man examining you with a smile but furrowed brows of concern-
-uh… I'm fine! No need to worry! -you say, smiling through your mask and breathing slowly as the pain passes
Are you sure? The lives of kakushis are important to the Corporation too! -he gives you a few gentle but firm pats on the back, watching your breathing return to normal and your grip on the uniform relax
-I'm... it's normal, don't worry -you pat his hand on your shoulder, letting him know you're okay, but your expression tightens as the pain returns. You make a face and stop any action. Your breathing becomes slightly erratic as you quickly remove your hand and grab a wall.
A little girl passing by looks at you, her small hands gripping her dress. Kyojuro looks between you both, as you calms down, the younger one runned quickly towards where she came from. He can't help but raise an eyebrow, trying to open his mouth, though he doesn't know what to say, stopping when he sees you, "recovering" and being grabbed by the sleeve by the girl known as "Kanzaki Aoi" and taken towards the north part of the estate... leaving him with a confused expression mixed with slight concern. That didn't look normal to him.
Aoi is taking your blood pressure, this is routine. You just move your gaze from your arm to her and back, seeing her frown slightly... that doesn't make you happy.
-Kakushi-san...? -you jerk your head up at her voice, suddenly pulled from your thoughts- You know what you're saying about it not being a big deal and it must be just stress, I doubt that's all, I'm very worried about this. Kocho-sama isn't busy treating serious patients right now, and... I don't know what's going on with you, but I bet she could know. I feel this is important, and I need to do my job, keeping as many people alive as I can, and that's what I'll do.
-She looks at you with a straight, serious face, and you feel like a small child sitting, being scolded by her mother for going out on a snowy day and not wanting to come in when it's late. You want to refuse... but honestly, you can't right now. You bite your lower lip; on another day, you'd protest like they're making you eat something rotten, but... it's too early to have had two chest pains, one after the other. You hesitate, then finally nod.
-Yes... you might be right, Kanzaki-chan -you try to hide your disagreement, smiling knowing she's just seeing your eyes narrow slightly in supposed approval. She just looks at you before leaving through the door, assuming she's looking for Kocho-sama.
That makes you a bit nervous. All exterminators are incredible, but the Hashiras... they're impressive! You really admire they've killed so many high-ranking demons. You've only met Tomioka-san.... Well, Tomioka-sama when you're out of your mind.
You can't help but smile thinking about him, in your childhood and adolescence, you didn't know many boys. Your closest interactions were with boys you saw through the window. You still remember your dad's face when he caught you looking for a long time at a young man one afternoon he accompanied you to buy fabrics and things for dinner.
You can't help but shudder and play with your fingers; you're sure Tomioka-san wouldn't treat you like that, like all those men would, like your family said everyone would. ...he seems so kind... you don't feel he'd hurt you with his beautiful hands, don't think he'd yell insults with his calm voice, he, he wouldn't hurt you.
-You lift your head hearing the shoji opening, Kanzaki-san supports herself on the other side of the wall, since the woman you assumed by her golden-button uniform is Kocho Shinobu had entered too, looking at you with a delicate smile and nodding to Kanzaki. The next thing you hear is the shoji closing and the lady sitting in front of you-
-Well, Aoi told me everything about your pain visits and the clots in your arteries. I can't ask for your medical history right now, but I'd like you to tell me if you know you have any related illness -you quickly shake your head. You hadn't even gone to the doctor before you were 18; your mom was very good at curing every fever and cold for you and your siblings. She nods-
-Well, your case sounds like something, but I need to confirm. I'll proceed with some tests, okay? -As it's obvious, you just nod and let her do what she needs.
And so went your pleasant afternoon of sewing or just sleeping; still, Kocho-san said she'd talk to your boss to give you a break while she finished the analyses. That... makes you a bit nervous. As soon as you get home, you take a long bath, the kind that leaves your fingers wrinkled like a raisin in the sun. You're happy to be "home", or well, where you reside when there's no work and where you don't have to be a kakushi, worrying about responsibilities outside your spontaneous schedule. The only place you could talk about anything ans everything with yourself without being scolded for being childish or for silly things, without being another "kakushi-san" and just being what you want to be that day.
You smile while writing in your notebook, it's not so much a diary, you write whenever you want, but it helps you write things you don't want to forget, like how you saw Tomioka-san today! Even for a few minutes! It's a very useful way, sometimes you say such great things you don't want to forget! What good ideas you have when you're not being useless.
That's the last thing you write along with your signature in a corner and lots of little flower drawings done like a small child would do, it makes you, it makes you happy.
Time flies by, in just a week and some days you go to the estate to see the results of your exams.
This week you've been writing in your notebook every day, you try to keep that pace, it's calming to write what you think.
You slow down as you approach, you're a bit scared, but you'll be positive! You're sure it's just some kind of weird allergy, she'll give you some medication, and then you'll write Hurray! after your daily notes!
-You have coronary artery disease -maybe it's her serious expression and the strange word, but nothing in the atmosphere says it's something you can put next to a Hurray!-
-U-uh... W-what does that mean? -you ask confused, that doesn't seem very good to you, but names can be deceiving! Maybe it's something good!
-Definitely not something good, it's a disease that makes your arteries not dilate as they should, added to that I found your blood flow is slow, which causes clogs that can obstruct these arteries that transport blood with oxygen. When they're half obstructed is when they're described as "little pinches in the chest". If this increases, those pinches won't be anything but a fatal heart attack.
Definitely the smile under your mask is gone while you process, you stay a few seconds almost frozen. You have small arteries and your blood has like blood balls that don't let your heart beat and go ba-dump like it should be beating and ba-dumping? All this felt like a punch in the stomach after not eating for days. Your breathing becomes somewhat shallow but still slow-
-D-does it have a solution?! A cure?? -you look at her, gripping your mask, then just, breathe deeper-
-Can I... keep working? -Kocho-san just nods, it makes you feel a bit relieved-
-It has a progressive treatment, with a good diet and antiplatelet medications. These medications help prevent the formation of blood clogs in the coronary arteries. Even so, your arteries are still very small, so you must be careful. Your condition worries me a lot. Obviously it's not normal. To tell you the truth. -pauses a bit-
-Do you think you can remember to take medications or eat certain foods at a certain time?-
You move your head nodding in an almost robotic way, it was a total lie but it was less humiliating than admitting that sometimes you cook almost watching birds because you forget to eat until the limit.
-Do you live with someone? -she sighs and sees how you deny-
-Any kakushi friend also who can monitor your schedule? -you also deny, since even if there were, they'd be spontaneously absent and maybe it'd be a problem taking care of you like a baby. You're an adult and you're supposed to take care of others. And of yourself too, at least you should.
-Her smile wavers for a moment that you almost don't notice-
-Are you sure you can remember when you have to take your medications?- You're an adult! You should... should, in introspection, you don't have the best memory, and you always forget to take pills for your headaches... maybe you're not a good adult. You look at her and your false security cracks, you deny embarrassed.
-Wouldn't you consider staying here for at least three or four months? You can help Aoi and if you want to keep protecting your identity, you can keep wearing your mask. I see your work matters to you, but under these conditions you can't do it correctly without putting yourself at risk, so you can work here and I'll pay you a salary corresponding to what you do, obviously deducting a third or a quarter of that for you to maintain yourself. Does that sound okay?
That sounds pretty good, pretty convenient. You put everything on a scale, would you be more worried about dying of hunger for not working, therefore not having money and forgetting your medications at home where you can do what you want, or would you rather be monitored about your health while working, being near a nurse and a doctor and keep working, in exchange for just a portion of money that even living alone you'd spend? You think the decision, despite being embarrassing, is obvious.
-I'm very grateful to Kocho-sama, it'd be a pleasure to accept your offer -you say calmly while crying mentally-
-I'll come back tomorrow with some clothes and some necessary things -you made a slight bow to which she nods with a soft smile, typical of her telling you that in that case she'll look for a room for you and look for an apron. You just nod.
As you leave the estate, the weight of everything comes down on you. You have a possibly fatal disease and basically you can die at any moment. You still don't assimilate everything correctly, you just know you arrived home to order some things. You write in your notebook though you don't feel like doing anything, it's just a brief summary and a signature, no drawings and nothing else. When you finish, you sleep earlier than usual.
As soon as it dawns, you drink a bit of tea while looking at the wood of your table which, despite the thousand insults it's received for hitting your poor innocent pinky, was a very pretty table in your opinion. At that moment, it seems the most interesting thing to look at. You don't have a fixed thought, you just dissociate. When you come back to your senses, the tea is cooling, you're still drinking it. All you can think is that you don't want to die and you won't.
You take the bag you made yesterday with your notebooks, hygiene things, and some clothes among other objects you considered necessary for the time you'd be away from home and walk the familiar path towards the Butterfly State. You want to think it'll be something fun, though you really don't believe it. It'll be the same, right? You'll keep wearing your mask and working for the same association, and after this you'll be able to go home and do the same as always. That consoles you.
After certain pauses on your way due to tugs in your chest, which to your annoyance and concern have become somewhat constant, you enter the estate where Kanzaki-san receives you. You wonder if you'll have to keep being kakushi-san for the workers. You just smile under your mask; the moment she says it, she seems like someone with a strong but very kind personality!
-Kocho-sama isn't here, but she told me to give you this and show you your room. I'll show you what I normally do so you know what things you can do and things by schedule. -Just like she told you, she shows you the room. You feel like a duckling; she helps you understand everything well. You put on the white apron, you feel a bit embarrassed, of course, you're in a place that's not your home, but Aoi (as she asked you to call her) makes you feel very welcome.
As soon as you settle into your new room, you immediately look for her to help. It's a different but calm afternoon. You wash clothes and while she goes to cook for the patients and give them their medications, you hang the clothes and take down the ones she had washed before to fold, you put them in a basket and look for her to ask where to leave it.
At least before sleeping you can write that you have something close to a friend though you don't know much about her and she knows less about you, because though you call her by her name, to her and everyone you're "kakushi-san".