Work Text:
Sometimes Leonard McCoy wished he didn't have any emotions. His existence ever since he met Jim Kirk has been a flurry of excitement, injury and diplomatic incidents. For a man who went to space as his last resort he ended up finding a family unlike the one he had on Earth. And that's part of the reason why Leonard wished that he could refrain from having certain emotions.
Leonard was hurt. Not physically, but mentally. He had never come to terms with the fact that Jim had died, in the moment he was too focused on bringing him back. It got better for awhile, his fear of being unable to save the member of the crew, his family, started to lessen. Then he ended up stranded on a planet with Spock seriously injured. He wasn't terrified of losing Spock, of failing him. Yet he didn't, even with outdated tools he saved his friend. But the fact that Spock survived didn't lessen his guilt or assuage his fears.
Bones is a fearful man. His mind bristled with his aviophobia and his fear of being unable to save those he cared about. He knew he should have these fears, that he was perfectly safe, but when did the mind ever listen to reason? So that's why weeks after his return to Yorktown Leonard McCoy found himself awake at 3am. His heart was pounding, a residual effect from the dream he just had. His treacherous mind supplied a scenario fulfilling one of his greatest fears.
Spock was injured, delirious from the blood loss. Only this time instead of confessing his respect for the doctor, Spock confessed how much he cared for and even loved the doctor. Bones was speechless, too focused on stopping the bleeding to respond. He kept trying to stop the blood but it just kept coming, pouring out of the Vulcans abdomen. Spock was watching Leonard, his face growing paler and paler. That was when Leonard started talking. "Please. No Spock. You can't die. Don't you leave me here on this godforsaken rock. Come on you pointy-eared bastard stay with me! Stay awake Spock please. I love you too. Don't you dare leave me". But Spock didn't respond. Frantically Bones checked for a pulse but he couldn't find him. Spock was dead, and Bones was left there alone covered in the blood of the man he loved. It was to this image that Leonard awoke with a slight shout.
Leonard was just lying in his bed replaying the dream and the guilt he associated with it. Where does one even start when explaining his guilt? He felt guilty about crashing the spacecraft, about not having a proper medkit, about not healing Spock better, about not telling Spock how he really felt about him.
This is why Leonard McCoy sometimes wished he didn't have emotions. He sometimes wished he was more like the Vulcan that he constantly antagonized. The Vulcan that despite everything he said, he actually loved. Once again Leonard was scared. This time it was a new fear, the fear of being rejected by the one person who truly mattered to him (next to Jim). After everything he had been through Bones was afraid of love. He was afraid of putting himself out there and then having that person tear his heart to shreds. Leonard wasn’t entirely sure if his heart could handle that yet again. But his heart didn’t listen to his caution. His heart had to go out there and make him fall in love with the one being who would never love him back. First he was a Vulcan, second he was sure that Spock would never extend his feelings for Leonard past respect (and even that was stretching it), and third Spock was still trying to get in Nyota’s good graces. Hell, if Leonard wasn’t so hung up on the emotionless Vulcan, he would be vying for Uhura’s affections. Though he was more content with their friendship and his unrequited feelings for Spock. He planned to just sit on his feelings, hoping that one day they would disappear. Hence why Leonard wished he didn’t have emotions.
His wish was not fulfilled, instead his fickle heart pushed him to go check and see if Spock okay. Bones’ 3 am brain seemed to agree with his heart as he reluctantly pulled on his discarded uniform. Exiting his room, Bones shuffled down the hall until he found himself in front of Spock's door. That’s when his anxiety set in. The thought of potentially waking Spock up at 3 in the morning just because of a stupid dream was too much. They didn’t have that kind of relationship. Hell, their relationship mainly consisted of insulting each other. With these thought plaguing his mind Leonard started pacing. After a few minutes he poised his hand over the door ready to knock. His hand dropped, he didn’t even know what he would say to Spock. He continued pacing as the door seemed to taunt him and his insecurities. After a few minutes Leonard sighed. He walked to the wall opposite the door and sunk to the floor. His mind was full of turmoil, his heart was palpitating. Leonard, in his attempts to stave off the imminent panic attack, took a deep breath. His head hit the wall with a loud thud, with the pain blossoming he closed his eyes and counted his breaths. He just focused on breathing, trying to forget the thoughts swirling around in his brain. Then he heard a door open, and he lost control over his breathing.
Leonard opened his eyes, immediately focusing on the figure that could only be Spock. The panic quickly set in as Bones attempted to flee. Instead he ended up tripping on his own feet in his haste to get up. He was steadied by soft yet firm hands on his biceps. Taking a deep breathe Leonard slowly lifted his head, panicked brown eyes met calm yet inquisitive brown eyes. “Leonard” He heard Spock say. “So you finally learned my first name Mr. Spock”. Spock was taken aback, a slight flush rose on both of their cheeks. “If you do not wish for me to use it Doctor McCoy that is fine. I assumed that from your state and the time of day it would be appropriate.” And once again Bones was reminded of the reason he had come. With a shaky breath he stated “It’s okay Spock. I- I was just surprised. The last time you called me that we were about to die. I mean. Um. It’s nice Spock. You should use it more often.” Bones then hung his head in shame, afraid that his word vomit had given Spock a clue of why he was there. Just when he came up with a surprisingly athletic plan to escape his current situation he felt a hand gently touch his cheek. The hand, Spocks hand, lightly caressed his cheek till it grasped his chin tilting his head back up.
“Leonard, are you okay?”
It was a simple question, yet for the life of him Bones could not find an answer. “I-I don’t know Spock. Did I wake you up? I’m so sorry I never meant to- I was just…” Bones once again stopped himself on the verge of telling Spock everything. Spock picked up on this cooly stating “Leonard talk to me. It’s ok. Tell me what is wrong.”
Leonard took a deep breath and resolved to tell him the truth, at least part of the truth. But once he started Leonard could not seem to stop. “I am scared Spock. First I lose jim and then I almost lose you. What if i couldn’t save you? It would have been my fault. I failed not only as a pilot but as a doctor. The Enterprise wouldn’t be the same without you. I wouldn’t be able to go on without you Spock. You are too important. And I just keep thinking about what could have happened and I would have just regretted never letting you know that. Never letting you know that I care about you Spock. And I can’t deal with the thought that you could have died cause I don’t think I could, I mean, we could go on without you.” With this said Leonard turned to go, afraid that he would further embarrass himself.
The doctors escape was halted by Spock grabbing his wrist and then pulling McCoy back to him. Spock quickly wrapped his arms around Leonard, just holding him. Never in his wildest dreams did Leonard ever imagine Spock willingly pulling him into a hug, after a moment he relaxed his arms and returned the hug. There they stood in the early morning just hugging in the hallway. After a few minutes Spock began to speak, his words a soothing balm to McCoy's troubled mind.
“Leonard, what I said while injured was all true yet I was unable to tell you the full extent of my feelings for you. I respect you, deeply. Yet more than that I care for you as well. There is no one else in the universe that I would rather be stuck on a strange planet with than you. And despite my wariness over your methods of treatment, I implicitly trusted and still trust you with my life. I am perfectly healthy and alive. Leonard, that is because of you. There is no need to worry about what could have happened, I know that you would have done and did everything in your power to ensure our survival. And I thank you for it. And about what you won’t tell me, I understand. You seemed to have forgotten that I am a touch telepath. And what you feel for me and your fear about it is reciprocated. Leonard, when I tell you that I care for you I mean it in the exact same way that you mean it.”
Leonard was taken aback, for a moment he thought he was still dreaming. That thought was whisked away when Spock took a step back. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Leonard's forehead. A soft blush appeared on Spock's cheek bones while Leonard flushed red, his mouth gaping. Bone’s mind was racing again, thinking of how to react. Eventually he bit out, “Aren’t you still with Nyota?” At this Spock's mouth slightly curled upwards. “We decided that we would be better off as friends, seeing as we both have developed feeling for people outside of our relationship.” “Oh” was all McCoy could supply to the conversation as he realized the gravity of what Spock just said.
“Spock. You have feelings for me? Why? I mean all we do is fight.” Spock silenced him with another kiss, this time just a simple brushing of two mouths. “Leonard. I may even love you, if you believe me capable of that emotion. If you wish, perhaps we can explore our feeling together, preferably not in the middle of the hallway?” To this Leonard grinned, exhilarated by the Vulcans’ proposition. He leaned in, this time for a firmer kiss displaying just how willing he was to explore his feelings. Leaning back Bones saw a slight smile on Spock's blushing face. Spock grabbed his hand, interlacing their fingers with a steamy look and pulled McCoy towards the door. As Leonard walked through the door hand in hand with the man he loved he found that perhaps for the first time since he left Earth he was not afraid.