Work Text:
April 4th 2019 Call Log
"You sure picked up quick."
"Well, I'm all about being punctual. I need to make sure of that at least. Sorry for making you schedule a phone call with me, that's not exactly normal, is it? It’s just, my schedule is so busy lately and-"
“Nah, I get it. You were always the most responsible. That's why you're at Med School while I'm stuck here, haha!"
“...”
“S-Sorry, didn’t mean to make it all about me. Anyways, how’s school been for you lately?"
"Really good actually! All this stress and study is finally paying off! But, I’m also really scared.....
"Why? Did something happen?”
"Well, they're asking me to help operate on a patient. On a real surgery, not a test or trial or anything like that.”
"Don't sweat it too much, man. You’ve got this.”
“Hehe... thanks Rocco. That makes me feel a little bit better."
“You're going places! Hell, soon enough, you might be operating on me if my parents test me too hard one of these days!"
“That's... probably not happening. There's procedures put in place that prevent doctors from ever operating on people they know personally.”
"Hm, why's that?"
"Well, there needs to be a certain distance between the patient and operator or else things could get complicated and messy really quick. It never ends well when the person holding the knife and the person below it know each other."
"Ah... well that makes sense, I guess.”
"Yeah."
"...so um Rocco, how are things with you?"
“Well my parents & everyone at the hotel are still being the same incompetent bitches for me to handle, so same old same old, y'know"
"Oh... well, I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be. Anyways, I’ll feel all better once we go out to eat. Just tell me whenever you're free."
"Y-You're pretty close but isn't it a three hour drive?"
"Yup, but my parents can go suck dick and I'll have someone else cover my shift if I happen to work on a rare day you’re free. For once, I just wanna do something for myself, y'know?”
“Unless you don't want to."
"No! I mean, yes! I mean, it'd be great to go out with you next time I have some downtime! I’ll actually have a lot of it after I’m done assisting the surgery.”
“But erm… thanks Rocco, it actually means a lot that you’d even invite me. Normally I don’t really spend time outside of my dorm unless it's to get to class.”
"Looking forward to it!”
"But, it's all on me! I have enough leftover money to treat you. We could maybe even go somewhere pretty expensive if you’d like.”
"You better have that leftover money because you’re buying food for cheap instead of skipping out on meals!”
“I-it’s not on purpose! It’s just that I’ve been so distracted with studying it kind of just slips my mind. And when I do get hungry it’s just too late at night for any stores to be open, so I just settle on some instant noodles and head to sleep.”
“It’s still day out right now. Get your ass out of bed or desk or wherever you’re sitting and go get something to eat! AND do it on call. I want to hear you place your order-”
“Urgh, goddamit. Of course a customer chose right now to walk in. Hold up.”
“Erm actually, I think I have to go now. Sorry Rocco, I’ll talk to you again soon!”
BEEP
“...damn, he didn’t even wait for me to say bye back.”
September 15th 2019
194…195…196…197…
Shit, there’s fifteen dollars missing from the safe.
God, why did they leave me all alone? How am I supposed to fix this? Maybe I gave someone more change than they needed? Back at school I could easily study for hours and hours on end, but I’m nearing the end of my 5 hour shift as well as my sanity. All the job requires is doing chores and operating a cash register! How am I messing up something this easy!?
Maybe I’m just too pathetic to work a parttime job.
Maybe I’m just too pathetic to live by myself.
I’m just too pathetic to even be alive.
Yeah, that’s it. I’m pathetic and incompetent but at the very least, I’m not stupid. But when I think about how badly I botched that plan and how I got Rocco involved in it as well, I start to second guess myself. Now I’m going to get fired from the job he got me.
This is all just hurting my head the more I think about it. If only there was a way to put a pause to it, even for a little bit. Just any type of stimulation to distract me, even for a bit. It’s reckless, but I know they keep a pair of scissors around here somewhere-
A frustrated customer makes themselves known with an irritated cough.
“Agh! S-Sorry! How can I help-”
“You were really eyeing those cigarettes just now.” Rocco points out as he digs into his pocket. “Want me to buy you some?”
“No thanks… I’m kind of scarred from all those biology lectures about second hand smoke. But, thank you for the offer anyways.”
“Well, anything else fancy your eye? Maybe a snack?”
“No. I’m not hungry-”
“Bullshit!” He responds in a growl that only a truly frustrated dog could produce. “Er… sorry, I mean-”
He grabs a nearby danish and slams it onto the counter a little too hard and smushes it.
“Here’s your snack. I’ll pay for it. Now eat it.” His eyes look so kind, but he’s clearly hiding some fierce anger beneath that sweet voice. “Right now.”
“…okay.” I stuff the bread into my mouth.
It tastes so good. Really good. Really really good. The fruity flavor mixed with the cream really mash together to make a heavenly taste in my mouth. For a second, I completely lose myself in the sensation of taste and let out a moan as I lick my paws to really savor every bit of favor. Now that food has entered my system again, this intense pang of hunger hits me all at once.
“W-Was it that good?” Rocco asks, looking a lot more concerned than before.
“I uh- yeah. I guess you were right. I’m hungrier than I realized.”
“You’re not starving yourself, right?” He asks, looking at me like I’m his client and he’s my therapist. He’s looking at me like I need to be treated with utmost fragility or else I’ll break.
And I hate that he has a point.
“No! I just kinda forgot I was hungry, that’s all.”
“You forgot you were hungry?” He asks again in a more condescending tone.
“It happens.” It does. And I’m not lying either, I really did forget I was hungry because of my lack of appetite. I recognize the symptoms of course, but there’s no way in Hell that I’m telling Rocco or anyone else what they point to.
“Well, you get off in 10 minutes. I’m taking you out to eat whether you like it or not.”
It feels embarrassing to be talked down to like a mere patient rather than a full fledged person. I’m used to the Rocco who wasn’t afraid to throw around a couple light hearted jabs and jokes here and there, not this overly cautious version of him. But he’s correct to act the way he is right now, because it’s nothing but my fault he is in the first place.
So to spare him any more trouble, I just quietly nod my head “yes.”
“Ah, but it might take more time for me to clock out. There’s some money missing. Sorry Rocco.”
“I’ll wait till you clock out.” He stares at me, intensely. Almost like a guarddog. And it sends a shiver down my spine to see him so focused on me.
We stand around in silence as I get ready to close my shift and pass the till over to the next person. Neither Rooco nor I speak a word to the newcomer, but when I count the money again, the three missing $5 bills appear out of nowhere. Apparently they had stuck to each other while I counted the first time. For some reason I find myself looking over at Rocco when I realize my mistake, and for some reason, he looks relieved just from my own expression of relief.
~
September 20th 2019
It seems like I’m always looking out for other people.
At work, my respect for society crumbles with all the customer’s stupid questions. I’ll give them a key for Room 201, and they’ll somehow look everywhere but the second floor. At home, I’ve got my two bitchy parents who are always bickering with me and each other to get any shit done. Not that it bothers me too much, they’ll have their scornful selves to entertain each other with when they inevitably go.
As for my friends…
Well, I haven’t been doing a good job of that. And out of all the responsibilities I have, they're the only ones that actually mean something to me. I want to look after them, I want to get involved, especially since-
No. Don’t think about him right now, or else this spiral will only get worse.
Yeah. That’s right. I’m spiraling and I need something to distract myself with before it gets too bad. But before I launch TailRiser’s, I do a double take to make sure no one can see my screen, even on low brightness.
Even when alone, it always feels like there’s someone looking right over my shoulder
When did scrolling through the app become second nature? My fingers already know where to go and what to type before I can even register what I’m doing. This can’t be healthy, right? Driving around for miles just to get passed around like a blunt. But, it feels so good. Losing control and letting someone else take the lead for even a while… it just feels so good.
BRING!
Cody sent a message: <Thank you for helping me, Rocco.>
…why’d he send me this out of nowhere? He’s not thinking of doing anything stupid, right? Frantically, I move to call him and start rushing towards the car. Each ring Cody doesn’t answer sends another shiver down my spine,
“Rocco?! What-“
“CODY! Did something happen?! Where are you?! I’ll get you right now!”
“N-Nothing happened!”
“Then why’d you text me that all of a sudden?!”
“…because I just wanted to thank you for helping me. If you didn’t help me get that job at the gas station, I honestly don’t know where I'd be right now without you. And I haven’t done much to pay you back, so I thought I’d just tell you I’m grateful because that’s all I can do.”
“…seriously?”
“Yeah. Sorry-“
“No it’s fine, it’s fine! Now I just feel like an idiot for overreacting, but glad to know things are going fine on your end.”
“…hehe, yeah.”
“…”
“Anyways, sorry for disturbing you. I’m gonna go now. Bye.”
“Cody-“
And before I can respond, the call ends.
“GODDAMIT!”
It's all so goddamn frustrating! The hotel staff always rely on me, and my bum parents too, even if they’re being bitches. But the one person I want to be responsible for, I can’t even look after him right! He’s probably curled up on the couch all sad and depressed because of my overreaction.
I’m not even in the mood for a hookup anymore.
~
September 16th 2019
Rocco and I are eating greasy fast food in his car. He asked me if I wanted to eat our food at a specific spot, but I just said inside his car was fine. He looked sort of mad at me though, so I said I phrased it differently and said I wanted to eat in his car, which made him break into a smile instead. He even insisted on buying my food for me. And when I ordered a single burger, he told the worker to give me a large combo instead.
And now he’s trying to get me to talk by asking me questions about my job, my hobbies, and all sorts of conversation topics. I’m responding but I’m not paying a lot of attention to what I’m even saying. Rocco coming to drag me out of my slump only makes me feel even more guilty than I did before. He’s trying so hard to cheer me up, but I’m not going to get any better. It’d be so much easier for us both if he just forgot about me, wouldn’t it?
But of course he can’t because I just had to call him that night and thrust responsibility onto him. I should never have called him. I should have just gone through with my plan right then and there actually. And of course, I messed up that first attempt. If I were smarter and had done it right, then he wouldn’t have to be so stressed worrying about me. His life would be so much easier if he had one less burden to look after. But I’m too much of a coward to try again so soon, but maybe if I build up the courage-
“Cody!”
“H-Huh?”
“You just randomly went still with your mouth wide open. It was freaky as hell.” He chuckles, clearly trying to lift the mood more than anything else. But I don’t laugh back.
“Rocco.”
“Hm?”
“You don’t have to look over me so closely.”
“What do you mean? Of course I do.”
I should back off. I should just shut up and get back to eating my food that he bought me. But I can see the accumulated stress on Rocco’s face, and it’s my responsibility to fix what I’ve put him through.
“It’s fine. It’s not fair of you to spend your already limited free time and money looking after me like I’m sick.”
“Well, you are and I want to help.” He sounds pissed off and he’s started to growl again. “Did something happen at work?”
To avoid having to talk, I take a bite out of the burger and take my time chewing. It doesn’t taste like how a burger should, in fact, it tastes like pure nothingness. And for some reason, that’s all it takes to get tears to form in my eyes.
Lack of taste can be linked to many things, but one of its many possible explanations is a lack of serotonin in the brain. This lack of serotonin can also explain my lack of appetite as well. And these together, as well as just my recent circumstances, all point to a pretty convincing explanation. But even though I can put all the puzzle pieces together, I can’t do jackshit about it! All there is to do is lie down and slowly rot away in front of Rocco.
I can’t even bring myself to look as my vision grows blurry and my voice grows wobbly. “…I just don’t want to be a burden to you.”
There’s a moment of silence before he speaks again.
“Don’t be a goddamn idiot, Cody.” He takes a deep breath and runs his hands past his ears to calm himself down, before resting his face in his hands, hiding his expression.
He’s mad at me.
He hates me.
He wants me dead.
And I want me dead as well.
“Sorry-”
“Can you just shut up and listen to me?!”
I shut up and listen to him, fearing the worst.
Instead, he slings his arms over me and pulls me into a deep hug. For a moment, I think Roccco’s trying to suffocate me with his embrace, but upon further thought, he’s just holding me tight like I’ll disappear into thin air if he doesn’t. And he wouldn’t be entirely wrong about that either. But it would feel like a betrayal to hug him back, so my arms dangle limply by my side as Rocco shivers.
It’s like I’m relieving the night of my attempt all over again.
“You can’t-” His voice cracks. “I can’t do this again. There’s no way in hell that I’m reliving through that again. But even after seeing all the signs and doing my best, I don’t know how to stop it this time. I just know that I can’t live with that in my consciousness.”
Rocco runs a paw down my back, pressing down hard on my spine, as if to confirm my skeleton is still there. Suddenly, he moves his paws to my shoulders and holds me firmly in place. He backs away to examine my expression.
“I know firsthand how sneaky and tricky you are, which is the best and worst part about you. Your brain is also smart as hell, but you have a tendency to get lost inside of it. ” Rocco sighs deeply before he suddenly grins, full of genuine relief. “If you’re gonna kill yourself, than I guess I’ll have no choice but to join you!”
“YOU’LL WHAT-”
“You heard me. I’ll grab a rope and make myself a pretty ceiling decoration. And if you go before I do, I’ll just go ahead and follow you!” Rocco must be in some manic state of mind, but everything about him besides the words he’s saying tells me he’s thinking completely rationally. Like this is something he’s been thinking about for a while, long enough to feel confident in his morbid promise. “Did you think I was gonna stop you? What kind of friend would I be if I seriously tried something as stupid as that?!”
Rocco must see the shock on my face, because he pulls away and sits like normal, looking out the window and towards the setting sun.
“Call it selfish, but it’s be nice to give the world one final “fuck you.” And anyways, you know I could never leave you behind.”
He glances in my direction, awaiting an answer.
Am I a bad person if I don’t think Rocco’s going to see through on his threat?
I am. There’s no doubt about it. No one in a right state of mind would even think about saying such a thing, and there’s something in Rocco’s eyes that tells me he means every single word in his promise. If I jump, he’s going to jump right alongside me. Now that the implications of that declaration have settled in, I’m filled with both immense relief and dread.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I mumble as the corner of my mouth lifts.
“...good!” Rocco answers, satisfied for now. “But until we feel like we’ve had enough, let’s be selfish and live every day like it’s our last.”
I take another bite into my burger and it tastes like nothing. But, I think I can endure it a little longer if it gives me an excuse to spend some more time eating at Rocco’s side. We don’t end up doing a lot of talking afterwards, but the atmosphere somehow feels a lot less tense. Both of us silently contemplate as we stare at the same sunset slowly fading away under the horizon line.
~
September 17th 2019
He’s so warm.
I missed that relaxed sorta mischievous expression of his, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it. We’re sprawled out on the floor as he blissfully sleeps through the night, with the blanket clung to his chest. Raccoons have an enhanced sense of touch, which explains why they love to frisk and grab onto things. And Cody is no different.
So why am I the one clinging onto him?
When he asked me if we wanted to sleep together, a part of me panicked but reluctantly agreed. I did tell him to live more selfishly afterall, and if it’s me he wants, then it’s me he can have. I’m definitely no stranger to… that, but doing it with someone I’ve known for so long, just feels… like something I can’t describe.
When we made it to his room though, he grabbed two pillows, dropped them to the floor, and immediately collapsed. It scared me for a bit, but Cody told me it was just because our talk earlier made him realize how exhausted he actually was. I laid down beside him staring at the ceiling as he closed his eyes. From down on the floor, I can see the ceiling fan.
…
I never want to relive the sight of him dangling from above. I’ll do anything to avoid him from doing that again. And if nothing can be done about that, I’d kill myself before he had the chance to.
I was going to ask Cody more questions, but when I did, he responded with snoring. I went to grab a blanket to cover him with since it was getting cold. The blanket’s big enough to cover both of us with a fair amount of distance between the two of us, but that’s not what I want. Instead, I go under the blanket and scooch up right next to him. Paranoidly hugging him tight and searching for any sign of life.
I don’t know if he’d want this. I don’t know if he wants any of this in the first place. The apartment, the job, my company. Maybe he’s right, maybe it would be better for him if I let him go in peace, without the burden of me on his shoulders.
But for once in my life, I decide to act entirely selfishly and keep him in my arms.
I’m only hugging him, but it somehow feels like the most vulnerable experience I’ve had with another man, let alone person.
It doesn’t matter.
He’s so warm.