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Chilly sensation, blur vision, unknown and squirming shadows dancing around. Jay opened slowly his eyes, readjusting his vision in the light streaming in the room. A warm body was resting beside him, snugging him closely. It was just a dream, again, or just an old memory reminding him all the cost and lost. Born on Earth, he never knew his parents. He was a stray dog, passing most of his childhood in shabby alley.
He was a leftover of the society. He joined Flynn, an annoying kid and his clique: Tenth Street Red and learnt how to survive. But this kind of living never suit him. You were like a dirty rat wandering around without purpose, seeing your friends shooting themselves with Red Sand, disapproving and pitiable stare locking on you and judging you.
I’m not like them!
He screamed loudly in his heart. He knew he was better than that, he knew he deserved better than that. He wanted to shout out loud his existence.
So hello and goodbye to you–past and welcome to you–better future. He enrolled for the Alliance Army, at 18. Then, with his high score, he joined the Special Force and went into N7 and when he learned he would be able to leave his home planet and go to space, he was gleeful, and gave not one, but two big middle finger to Earth.
It was a refreshing start for soldier Aiden Jay Shepard, and he worked hard to earn this place. Until, he was assigned to Torfan, until he lost his entire unit and almost lost his right eyes against Batarians. The macabre scene was dreadful. He smeared all the floor of their dirty blood. He slit throats, cut fingers, pierced tongues to make them abduct and plead – nauseabond odor, filthy corpses squatting around. When Captain Anderson found him, Jay was anointed in red, his gaze far away. Sure, people thought he lost his mind, the poor boy was probably suffering of PSTD (post-traumatic damage), but no, he was alright, he was kind of a rebellious, loco as James Vega said to him. But he was a rebel who needed discipline, something stable, straight to rely on. And so, the psychologist released him. He did his job right, and nobody could bitch about that.
He just had to suck it up his new name “Butcher of Torfan" and several others one: cold-blooded, the fucked-up boy, insane human. He shrugged it off, pretending it was nothing. He had found a new purpose in his life and did what people asked him to do. But, don’t ever dare to talk about it to him, or praised him as if he was some kind of monster, because he never felt proud about it and will never.
His best promotion was probably being Commander and being added in the N7 list, or was him being a Specter? All of it he earned it. It felt good, it tasted well, he was victorious, and still, he stayed humble. The most important, was… He had a purpose in his life.
Then, everything had to fall apart. He lost people he cared about on Virmire. "It’s not enough" he told himself. "I have to be better; I have to try harder" and paf! Two years later, on Thessia, the Asari homeworld crumpled, adding more pressure on his shoulders. He had to train more, he had to be stronger. And as if it was not sufficient, he had to make a choice, a choice where every species relies on him: he destroyed, clutching at the little ring around his dogtag, muttering sorrowful excuses. Feeble body, but strong mind and dusty finger pulled the trigger.
Then the wild fire, the pain, the oppression, the darkness, the certain death.
“Hey.” He heard a half-sleeping voice at the side of his ear. He turned around and stared at the man in front of his eyes. The man smiled at him, pecking him softly and brushing his hair away of his eyes. “What’s wrong?” The man queried. “Bad dream?”
He nodded, eyes watering from the sleepiness.
“I was lost in my thought.” He said almost like a whisper.
“And you were thinking about what?” Kaidan yawned and stirred his body, rubbing his eyes.
“My failures.”
“Your failures?” The older man frowned and shook his head. “If you are thinking about Joker and… EDI, forget about it. You don’t have to feel bad. You made the right choice. You could have kept it secretively but you told the truth, Shepard. You are an honest man.” He said so, taking his lover in his arm and resting his chin on his elbow.
“Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t talk to me anymore…, Kaidan.”
“That’s not true, and you know it. He is just busy recovering all her data. And what you have accomplished so far, nobody can gush about it. You’re a legend.” He caressed him, smiling and proud of his speech. “Not even a clone could replace your preciousness.” He added, kissing the back of neck of his lover.
“Thanks, my ego is refueled.” He joked with a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“I’m here for you, whatever the circumstances.”
“Yeah, yeah. In the good and in the bad, until Death parts us. Sorry…” He babbled without thinking and noticed Kaidan's sour face. The biotic took in his hand the girly ring hanging around his dogtag and caressed absent-mindly the jewel.
“Marry me, Jay.” Kaidan bluntly said, kissing the earlobe of Jay.
He stiffened, cheeks burning, it was rare his lover used his first name.
“Marry me” The tawny eyes man repeated, chortling to Shepard dumbfounded expression.
“W-hat?” He managed to ask. “You’re kidding, right?” He queried, getting away of the embrace and taking a sitting position on the bed. Kaidan didn’t move and was still lying on his elbow, watching the naked back of Shepard.
“No, I’m pretty serious, I was thinking about it quite a long time ago”
“Kaidan…”
“I lost you twice, Shepard….and I don’t want to experiment a thrice one. I wasn’t enough strong to assist you, and I have a lot of regret. I wished I was there for you”
“Kaidan, it’s…cra-”
“No, listen. This is too much for me to handle. I have this weight on my heart and I need to pour it down to you. I want to marry you; I want you and me to quit the army. We sacrificed our lives a bit too much for them, don’t you think so? I want you to go with me in Vancouver. I..." He paused, taking a short breath. "I would like to age with you, nag like an old couple in our daily life. Asking - Hey, what we will eat tonight . Hey, wanna go out? Or... Let’s go watch a movie, let’s make an apple pie to greet our new neighbors - and no more - Do you have bullet, I’m short. Reaved these assbutt I’ll throw a shockwave.” He snorted. “I need. you. in my. life.”
“It’s quite a long…declaration. You sure are talkative when you're nervous...”
“Always. And yes, I want you to think about it. No more war, no more fight, just us.”
“Backing away….”
“Yes. Because, I found someone more precious to protect, that any form of life.”
“I’m not frail, Kaidan” He said so, turning his face to stare his lover.
“Maybe or maybe not. But I can’t do this job anymore. I may have more shore leave since the Peace, and your recovery vacation is still on.... But I know it's short-lived. You're going to jump back to work, once your body full healed.” He sounded defeated, weary, ans rubbed nervously his face. “Please, think about it.”
Shepard lied down beside Kaidan, the latter one welcomed him in his embrace.
Light streaming in the bedroom. Warm sensation. Quiet eyes staring down at him. Well-known and familiar face pleading him. His thoughts lingered on the word ‘marriage’. What it would be like to marry Kaidan? They shared a lot and were still sharing. They were good friends, enjoyed movies, helping each other with Specter Tasks and liked to shoot with gun water on the Council (of course it was printed paper). Also, they had dinner, Shepard loved to pick in Kaidan’s plate, making the Canadian growled but still, he always let him do it, and he always had his revenge in picking in Shepard dessert. And, do not forget, the intimate shower and lot of good stuff under the sheets. It as if they were already married!
However… Marry someone, didn’t that mean “I want to build a family with you”? Then, they should have kids! Wow kids, thought Shepard.
“Kids…” He said softly.
“What?”
“Will we have kids?” He frowned, not sure of his question.
“Easy, Commander. You are too fast” He chuckled. “Let’s start slowly, we’ll quit the army, settle in Vancouver or whatever country, as long as it is Earth…We fought for it, so, we deserve a place there. And then, we will prepare our wedding, throwing a hell of party” He smiled gleefully, picturing probably their wedding.
“I liked to”
“Is it a yes?” He asked hopefully.
“Still need to think about it…And, what we will do for a living? I like my Spectre status…”
“Gonna be hard to convince you” He chortled and lowered his face to kiss Shepard. “We’ll work in a farm”
“You’re kidding!” Shepard made an ugly face and crossed his upper arms in air like a big no. “Rejected! Out of question! Never! Go raise your hens alone!”
Kaidan laughed loudly and kissed his lover’s cheek.
“Don’t wanna milk a cow, Shepard?”
“I prefer to milk something else” He shed a sneaky smile and squeezed the groin of Kaidan, making him jolt in surprise.
“Alright” He climbed on Shepard and said huskily: If we go live in Vancouver, I will cook for you tasty pancake, hell we could even play with maple syrup. I would cook for you crispy onion rings, blueberry pie, and moose lasagna”
“Moose? You eat moose?”
“Not really, more bison meat or venison. Well hope reapers didn’t beam them” He snorted with bitterness. “I miss coffee beverage. Once, I ordered two “Paralyzer” , it's a mix of coffee, cola, vodka and milk. Was pretty good, you need to try it.”
“Now I’m hungry” he grunted.
Kaidan smiled, and stared down at him “Please, think about it. If you want, we can delay the wedding and just start a new life on Earth….I am tired of the Citadel….” He sighed. “Too many memories and all were not that much enjoyable” He added with a faraway gaze.
“I-need time….I’ll think about it” He rolled away from Kaidan and got up. “Let’s grab some breakfast”
He nodded and grabbed a tee-shirt and pants on the floor. They headed to SilverSun Trip and chose some special menu breakfast. They ate silently, just enjoying the peaceful place, the common atmosphere, the common chattering, and the common noise of dishes clattering. The Citadel was still in reconstruction, most of it was already repaired, thanks to the Keepers -how the hell did they survive ? Another mysterie around their immunity)- and business was reflourishing slowly. In fact, this part of the Citadel didn't suffer much of the damage, fortunately.
Quick pecks, they went each other in their own direction, attending to their own activities. And when the night came, the boys had dinner together in Anderson’s apartment. Shepard never recognized this place as his own and was surprised to discover the place didn’t suffer a lot of collateral damage from the war against the Reapers.
They made passionately love the night and the next day, Shepard was gone. I’ll be back tonight he left on a note for Kaidan. The biotic felt depressive, and clutched on the note praying for a yes from Shepard.
***
“You will leave?” Liara asked while sipping on her herbal tea. She was wearing an elegant purple dress, fitting well with the color of her skin.
“Yeah” Kaidan replied sheepishly.
“It’s good, when you will come back? The whole Citadel is almost on its feet” She said with a warm smile.
“I mean….quit, Liara.”
“Q-quit?” Her voice took an acute tone. “Quit the army?”
“Yes.”
“Oh…”
“With Shepard” He added, analyzing her reaction.
“What?” She stared at him with bewilderment, and put on the marble table her cup of tea. “Did he agree?”
“He is thinking about it”
“Oh…”
“You don’t think it’s a good idea, right?”
“I...I didn’t mean that.”
“And so…?”
“Listen…Shepard is a great (human) soldier, a really strong-minded man, only by thinking of it, I feel dizzy.”
“That means...”
“When I've entered in Shepard’s head, I knew he was a compelling creature, his mind is so….powerful and…” She sighed, creeping out Kaidan, reminding him the old Liara and her love for Shepard as a subject of research. “Whatever the decision, Shepard will take. I’ll be by his side. I know he will do the right choice, he is amazing, and with all the things he went through, I 'm sure it will be good for him to have a refreshing start. In other words, you have my support.”
“Thanks. I g-guess…”
“You are welcome.”
She bent and took back her cup, smiling warmly at Kaidan who didn’t seem to enjoy his herbal tea.
“Would you like some cake?” She asked, gesturing the green sponge on the plate.
“Ahm, no thanks, I’m full.”
There was a moment of silence. Kaidan opened his mouth but closed it right away, hesitating to how to phrase what he wanted to say. She stayed silent and waited for him to initiate the talk.
“I …”
“Yes?” She encouraging him with her blue smile.
“I proposed Jay…I want to marry him”
“That…surprising. Congratulations.”
“He needs to think about it, too” He sighed heavily, sinking his back in the armchair.
“Oh… I’m sure he will make a wise decision”
“So faithful of you, Liara…” He said with bitterness
“I-I’m sorry, Kaidan. If you want me to do something, I’ll gladly help you!” She started to panic, making Kaidan chuckle.
“Thanks Liara, but it’s okay. Or maybe you could knock him down ; it will be easier to bring his unconscious or stased body with me on Earth.
“Earth?” She squealed.
“What? It’s our home world” He said defensively.
“Kaidan, it isn’t a bit too much to ask? You want him to quit everything he worked so far to earn, then, marry him and now leave the place where he uses to live !?”
“I…I know. It’s selfish, right?”
“YES! And it could be frightening. Leaving everything behind and restart all…It’s…frightening.” She added in a frowned and thoughtful expression. "It's like you are digging for information to all your life and then someone destroy everything, and you have to restart all over again, in another place where you're not used to"
“Thanks Liara, I have to go, it’s getting late."
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you”
“No, you didn't, it’s the truth, anyway. Let’s talk another day.”
They stood up and hugged each other.
“You will always be welcome” She said so, guiding him to the doorway entrance.
“Thank you. My best regards to Thessia.”
“And, my best regards to Earth.”
They waved at each other and parted away.
Later on, Shepard entered in the apartment and found Kaidan sprawled on the sofa.
“Hey” he said softly, bending for a kiss.
“Hey” the man replied meekly.
“Man, your breath is awful! Did you drink?” Shepard asked putting his hand on his mouth.
“Yeah, sorry. I met lousy people in a pub and we drank quite a lot”
“I see….You’re such a mess. Looks like a varren dragged you away” He laughed, backing away a strand of hair on his boyfriend’s face.
“Where have you been” Kaidan asked with cautious, catching Shepard’s hand.
“On the Normandy… And wandering around… Thinking…” He sighed loudly. “Hey, let’s go to bed! I’m exhausted! But before that, brush your teeth, you reek!” He snorted and stood up, pulling Kaidan on his feet. "Come on Kaidan, lift that big ass of your!"
***
Once Kaidan finished in the bathroom, he noticed Shepard doing the hundred steps.
“Are you alright?” The L2 asked with a confused expression. He didn’t know why, but his heart started to race.
“You know why I left this morning, right? Of course you know, why you wouldn’t know… Was pretty obvious, right? ” Shepard babbled nervously, turning and facing him.
Thump. Thump. “Yeah…. You wanted to think about it, right?” Thump. Thump.
“Right. And, I’m scared Kaidan.” He promptly added with a troubled face, rubbing nervously his fingers.
“You don’t have to, you are not alone in this” He said so stepping closer to his lover.
“I thought thoroughly about it” Shepard added hastily, stepping away from Kaidan.
Thump. Thump. “Then?” Thump.
“I managed to get this far, I never thought I’ll be so…useful, not like…a leftover”
“A leftover…? Is it the way you are seeing you?”
“I’m just a soldier, and I know only that. Fight. War. Death...” His voice rose, as if he wanted to convince himself about his own speech. “Normal life is not for me!”
Thump. Thump. “We can learn… To-together, I- I want this to work out with both of us, Shepard. I’ll help you...” Kaidan’s eyes were watering, it’s not like they were breaking up, right? But why it was so hard for him? The inevitable was coming.
“You are asking me to say goodbye to everything I worked so hard and so far” He said, almost with reproach. Kaidan felt like the sign of headache outlining. “I love what I’m doing. I love all these responsibilities they assigned to me. I love this contact with Aliens. I love head-butt Krogan, solving case. It's only in this way, I can feel alive.”
“I’m…sorry…It was ...my bad.” He quickly took a step towards the door.
“Where are you going?” Shepard asked with alert.
He stopped his track and faced his man. Thump. Thump.
“I haven’t finished yet. You can’t just leave like that when I’m exposing to you my feelings!”
“I know already the answer; it’s a big no, right?”
“Don’t assume anything. Get your ass back inside.”
“Aye, aye…” He smiled awkwardly and sat on the bed, rubbing his face. “Wait, I need painkiller; can I take some in the bathroom?”
“O-okay, go…” Shepard gave the feu vert, fidgeting and tugging the hem of his sleeve.
When he returned in the bedroom, Shepard was doing, again, the hundred steps.
“You’re going to burn your shoes…” He tried to joke and eased the atmosphere. Seeing no answer from Shepard, he added “I’m ready.” He sat down on the bed, gulping the water and medicine in one treat.
“I am not married...”
THUMP. THUMP. God, kill him already, his heart couldn’t take it anymore. He closed his eyes and listened to the unsure voice of Shepard. Was it selfish? Was he too demanding? too pushy ? He shouldn’t have asked. The life they were sharing together was satisfying me, why asking for more? Boshtet. You were too greedy.
“I am not married to the Normandy.” Shepard added resolutely.
Kaidan lifted his face and noticed the vanguard was staring right at him.
“I’m ex-commander Shepard and you are my favorite future husband - Kaidan Alenko” He smiled fondly.
Kaidan didn’t react right away; his brain didn’t yet process the information.
“I want…to marry….you. It’s a yes, in case you didn’t catch the joke… Do you still want to marry… me?” He asked with a pained expression, troubled by the lack of joy of his lover.
“I-I do…I DO, I DO” Kaidan shouted endlessly, jumping on his feet and bouncing on Shepard. “Thanks you” he whimpered, holding his boyfriend tightly “thanks you…” He kissed his forehead, tears falling down his cheeks.
“I-I can’t breathe...”
“Ah, sorry” He stepped back, but hug him again, cupping his cheek in his big palm and assaulting a growling Shepard with kiss. “You are sure? I can give you more time” In fact, he didn’t want to give him more time, but hey ! He had to play the good boyfriend.
“I walked, gathered, thought wholly…. And I ended up to the conclusion there was only death for me as partner, until you - came around.”
“I love you, Jay.” Kaidan said happily, caressing his chin.
Shepard opened slightly his mouth, but no sound came out.
“Yeah I know.” Kaidan added with a smile.
“Look, we should go to London… and visit Anderson’s grave. And yes, I want to live with you in Vancouver, to grow old with you, wake up in the morning and know there will be always the same face next to me. This body of mine is not perfect, I have my flaws, quite a lot, yeah, but I'll do my best if you stay by my side." He laughed soflty, passing nervously his hand on his forehead. "You'll have to bear with me. Man, it sounded perfect in my head, and now it just too awkward and cheesy” He snorted, clearly embarrassed.
Kaidan lifted him and kissed him "It's okay, Shepard. I like (heavy) challenge."
"Hey, it's mean to say to your fiance, that he is kind of fat ! And where the hell is my ring ?"
"Working on it Commander" Kaidan chuckled and kissed him again. "I love you. Always."
The ex-Commander hooked his legs around the ex-Major’s waist, and returned softly the kiss, brushing his hair with love. Yes, Aiden Jay Shepard, was not keen on saying the L-word, but Kaidan had just to lost himself in his eyes to find the most beautiful and quiet declaration of love.