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James Potter loves Regulus Black.
He loved a lot of things; Sun Rays hitting his skin just right, warming without burning; mint chocolate chip ice cream; the whiny noise old telephones made when ringing; a very specific type of green, the closest he could describe it would be to a Jade; Sirius and Moony and Wormtail, and — Regulus.
At least, that's what he told himself repeatedly.
It was easier to line Regulus up beside harmless, uncomplicated loves, to press him into a list where nothing demanded too much. Easier than admitting how tightly guilt had sunk its claws into his chest, how it never let go to the burning sensation gnawing at him.
When he came back to himself, Regulus was curled up next to him.
It was late, darkness having long since creeped into the house. The only remains of light was the soft glow coming from the TV; an endless loop of mind numbing shows. Regulus’s hair brushed James’s jaw when he breathed, soft and warm and familiar. One of his hands rested lightly on James’s chest, fingers splayed as if claiming the steady rise and fall beneath them.
James tried to stay as still as possible, dismissing the occasional jump of his heart as reactions to his lover – not an underlying guilt. What did James do to be guilty?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
This…This was real, wasn’t it? The warmth, the weight, the way Regulus fit against him almost perfectly. James let himself catalogue it the way he did everything else he loved: the curve of Regulus’s shoulder, the faint scent of parchment and something herbal, the way his breathing evened when James’s arm tightened around him.
James was doing good. He is a good boyfriend.
He was there when Regulus needed him. He bought him roses and carnations and amaryllis – his particular favourite. He kissed him and wanted him. He knew the movies he liked and how he liked his mugs. He met all his friends and spent time with them. He often took them out on small little dates. He reminded him daily that he loved him. What more could a guy do?
He most definitely loved Regulus Black and not another.
.•° ✿ °•.
The Great Hall was everything their dorm room wasn’t.
People crammed together on benches, thousands of tiny conversations about the mundane, laughter spilling across the tables. It was the place James thrived — easier to laugh, to make everyone around him love him, than to sit alone and question his innermost thoughts.
Across the table, Lily Evans was talking.
James didn’t mean to look. He never meant to. It happened anyway, instinctive as breathing. She was animated, hands moving as she spoke, eyes bright with that infuriating focus. Someone — Marlene, maybe — said something that made her laugh, head tipping back just slightly.
James felt it then. That stupid, traitorous lift in his chest.
No.
He loved Regulus.
“So where you gonna take my brother for a date, Prongs?” Sirius asked, snapping his attention back to their earlier conversation.
“Sorry- What?” He said, blinking.
“You know, Valentine's day? It's coming up, what have you planned? Its my brother so you better pull out the red carpet Jamie.” Sirius grinned. Ever since he found out about them, he’s been much too interested.
“Oh er… Yeah I have a picnic planned.” James replied, “I was thinking of going to the forest and setting up a few things there — have dinner under the stars.”
Sirius stared at him for a moment. “Fuck man, thats romantic. Do you think Moony will expect something like that?”
“Pads I think you could do the bare minimum and he would still be hopelessly in love with you.”
From just down the table, came Remus’s voice, “You know I can hear you two right? Sod off,”
“Fucking werewolf hearing,” Sirius muttered under his breath, eyes slowly sliding to meet James’s before they broke out into a fit of laughter.
This was good.
He was fine.
“Hey James — did you finish the Charms essay? Flitwick said he wanted it in by tomorrow.”
Her voice came ringing through the noise.
James froze.
It was ridiculous — how easily she could do that. Say his name and make the world narrow down to the sound of it. He turned slowly, forcing something casual onto his face.
“Yeah,” he said. “Finished it last night.”
Lily smiled, relieved. “Brilliant. Could I borrow it later? Just to check a citation.”
“Of course,” James said, too quickly. Always too quickly.
Her eyes shined the color he had memorized since he was thirteen before she turned back into her conversation.
A very specific shade of green.
He looked up and caught Regulus’s eyes, grey. He gave him a quick smile and a whispered ‘I love you’ before letting Sirius drag him away to their next class.
James exhaled slowly.
Picnic under the stars. Valentine’s Day. Proof, if anyone asked, that he was doing this right. That he wasn’t a liar. That wanting something else didn’t negate what he already had.
He loved Regulus.
He repeated it silently.
It didn’t work.
.•° ✿ °•.
Regulus didn’t wait until they were alone.
The door to their house shut behind them with more force than necessary, the sound echoing off the stone. James barely had time to drop his bag before Regulus turned on him, eyes bright with something sharp and burning.
“You think I don’t see it?” Regulus said with more anger than he had ever heard before.
James stilled. “See what?”
“That look! –” Regulus snapped, “These moments in time when I’ll be right next to you, staring into your eyes, but you don't see me back! Its this look of longing never directed at me, so much love and adoration to someone you see in me — but not me.” He points an accusing finger at himself.
James’s chest constricted. “That’s not—”
“Don’t,” Regulus said. His voice wavered despite the anger, and that seemed to make his rage intensify. “Don’t lie to me, James. It’s been three years of us — I’ve learnt to tell when you're making shit up.”
James scrubbed a hand through his hair, heart pounding. He can’t lose him. “Please, I promise there's no one else. Only you, baby–” his voice comes out trembling.
“Dont call me baby!” He screams. “Look me in the eye and tell me that it's only me you truly love, James.”
He cupped Regulus' face in his palms, his face leaning into the heat without meaning to.
“I swear I only love you.”
The lie slipped out too smoothly now.
Regulus searched his face, eyes darting, cataloguing — the way he always did, looking for fractures. James let him. He softened his voice, made it warm, familiar.
“I choose you,” James said. “Every day. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be.”
Regulus’s breathing stuttered. “You don’t look at me like that,” he said, barely audible. “Not the way you look at—”
James pulled him closer, cutting the words off before they could finish forming. He pressed his forehead to Regulus’s, thumbs brushing over pale skin.
“Reg,” he murmured. “You’re imagining things.”
“I love you,” James said, because it was the thing Regulus needed to hear. Because saying it cost him nothing but sleep and self-respect. “You’re not second to anyone. There’s no one else. There never has been.”
Regulus’s hands curled into James’s jumper, knuckles white. He closed his eyes, leaning into the touch like he’d been waiting for permission.
“I just don’t want to lose you,” Regulus whispered.
James’s throat burned.
“You won’t,” he promised.
His body seemed to ease, the anger radiating off. He nodded once, before softly leaning up to place a gentle kiss to James’ lips.
He wished he was in love with Regulus.
.•° ✿ °•.
James Potter is in love with Lily Jane Evans.
He was in love with her since he knew what love meant. His love for her wasn't soft or delicate, it was burning and sharp. It was like fire under his skin — but it never burnt, it never could. It lived in the way her name settled in his chest, in the arguments that made him think rather than laugh, in the quiet, infuriating knowledge that she saw through him more clearly than anyone ever had.
Lily Evans did not love him back.
And somehow, that had never stopped him from feeling this burning emotion.
He loved and loved and loved her. Past, present and future he was sure to love her. Loving her was wanting without claiming, hoping without expectation, carrying something bright and painful that was never meant to be held. He never was given the grace to be able to love her.
Yet he did. And yet she didn't.
James had learned to live with it.
He had convinced himself that some loves just weren't meant to be. That whilst she would always be his ‘one true love’, he was merely but a friend. He told himself that he just had to keep it private, hide it away and fold it into the corners of the heart that beat for her.
His hands were steady where they were clasped in front of him.
That should have told him something.
The hall around him was hushed, sunlight filtering through enchanted glass and catching on pale flowers lining a narrow aisle. White and silver — Regulus’s colours. Not a Lily in sight, every single flower but a Lily.
She was, however, standing just a few spaces away. Part of the select few of friends he wanted to be part of the ceremony. One of his groomsperson. Would she know that he was fighting every urge to just pull her away and confess his underlying love?
No. She never would and never could.
It was Regulus who would walk down the aisle in just a few moments. Not her — no matter how many times she did in his recurring dreams wearing a beautiful white dress, he had no doubt she would look absolutely enthralling, carrying a bouquet of white lilies with his ring around her finger. But they were merely dreams, not a projection of reality.
The doors opened.
Regulus Black appeared at the far end of the hall, dark against the light, posture perfect, expression carefully schooled despite the tremor James could see in his hands. He walked toward James with the certainty of someone who had never doubted this moment, never questioned being chosen.
This was the man who had stayed. Who had believed him. Who had built a future on words James had spoken because they were needed, not because they were whole.
Regulus reached him and smiled. It was filled with sincerity, all of his guards down.
James smiled back.
When the time came, James spoke his vows without faltering. They were beautiful. They were loving. They only came out because he pictured Lily he was speaking them to.
When the ring was placed into his palm, he felt the weight of it — warm with magic, heavy with consequence.
Still hallucinating another, he slid the ring onto Regulus' finger.
The magic sealed.
James Potter, was fated to love Lily Evans, would now go on pretending it was Regulus Black's name on his heart instead.
.•° ✿ °•.
James' breaths were shallow, ragged, each one a small betrayal of the body that had carried him this far. The room was quiet — too quiet for any soul to peacefully exist.
He could feel Regulus’s hand in his, warm and steady, but it was a weight he could no longer lift with truth, only with memory. Every vow, every promise, every careful lie he had ever whispered into Regulus’s ears replayed itself in his mind, bitter and beautiful all at once.
This was the greatest act he had managed.
James tried to smile, but the effort felt hollow. His heart had always belonged elsewhere. He had loved Regulus — yes — but he had never stopped loving her. Lily Evans. Every laugh, every glance, every fragment of her he had carried inside him had stayed with him, even when he tried to bury it beneath comfort and duty.
The world blurred, light and shadow merging at the edges. His mind wandered to the first time he had truly seen her, the way green eyes had held him accountable, the defiance in her gaze, the fire he had never matched but had always chased. Red hair like flames he could never touch.
James’s lips parted in a whisper, words he could not speak aloud, not anymore.
As his body gave way, as the last warmth drained from him, it was her he saw. Her, the one he had never held. Her, the impossible, the untouchable, the only love that had ever truly mattered.
And as James took his last breath, it was green eyes and red hair he thought of.
Lily Evans was the name on James’ lips as he was buried for centuries to come.