Chapter Text
"You're not going to drop out. Listen, with your brains and grades you could get a scholarship, and we could put you through college. But schoolwork's not the point. You're living in a vacuum, Pony, and you're going to have to cut it out. Johnny and Dallas were our buddies, too, but you don't just stop living because you lose someone. I thought you knew that by now. You don't quit! And anytime you don't like the way I'm running things you can get out."
I went tight and cold. We never talked about Dallas or Johnny.
“Fine.”
Darry looked startled—though I couldn’t understand why. He’s the one who just said I could leave if I wanted to.
I turned around and grabbed my jacket, and I walked out the door. I didn’t even run, and no one stopped me, not even Soda. I guess they were too surprised to do anything. Or they just didn’t care.
I walked on down to the lot. I haven’t been there since the night Dally died. It just didn’t seem right to go back. But the only other place I could think of was the park, and, well…I didn’t exactly wanna go back there. So, I kept walking, and soon enough I was there.
I didn’t sit down. I just stood there, staring. It felt like everything was happening too quick—I should be at home right now, I thought, watching TV or drawing something on the couch. Johnny would be there, sitting next to me and watching me draw like it was his favourite thing in the world. I never did get why he liked watching me draw so much.
And then Dally would barge in with Two-Bit drunker than anything, and Darry would yell at him to put out his cigarette and Two-Bit would fall onto the couch and mess up my hair even though I hate it when he does that. We’d all be joking, and laughing, and everything would be alright…
Sometimes I think I miss ‘em too much. I regret it now, the way I hated Dally. I hadn’t understood him, that’s why. Dallas was something else. But he was so angry at the world, all the time, that it was hard to find anything real. By the time I did, it was too late. And Johnny…
The world got blurry. I sat down in the grass, tears running down my cheeks. Johnny was…Johnny was different. Johnny and me were different. That’s why I’ve been so lousy in school lately. Darry doesn’t get it. He won’t get it, I know he won’t, even if I told him.
It’s different with Dally. I hate that he’s gone almost as much as I hate that Johnny’s gone, but it’s different. I would be as sad as I am for Dallas with Two-Bit or Steve. Johnny…well, I’m not too sure there’s anyone I could compare Johnny to. Johnny was one of a kind. I wouldn’t even feel the same about this whole thing if it had been Soda or Darry. I’d still get torn up just the same, but that’s because they’re my brothers. I’d feel the same way about them as I’d felt when Mom and Dad died. With Johnny…it’s hard to explain. Or it’s too easy. I’m not sure.
Even if I’ve known for a long time, and I’m comfortable with myself and everything, I still know everyone’d hate me. Just thinking about it still makes me feel a little guilty. Not just for breaking the law, but also for lying to everyone. And also, again, because I know what everyone’d think.
Let me put it like this—with Johnny gone, I feel a bit like a widower. I know that I must be exaggerating, but it really does feel that way. I loved Johnny, and I don’t mean like a brother. I don’t have anything to compare it to, because I’m not sure I’ve ever loved anyone the way I loved Johnny. And I don’t think it’d hurt this much if he hadn’t loved me too.
I would’ve been perfectly happy just pretending my whole life and hiding as long as he was right there with me. But he won’t be.
Sometimes I wonder if Dally figured it out right then. But he was so mad I’m not sure he was paying attention to the way I was whispering and pleading for Johnny not to die. I just hope none of the doctors heard me saying ‘I love you’. I hope Johnny heard me. I read somewhere that the last sense you lose when you die is your hearing. I hope it’s true.
I laid down, staring up at the stars. I should quit pretending, I know, but it’s nice sometimes. To act like Johnny’s laying right beside me and I just finished talking about the constellations and he’s holding my hand and smiling at me, like he should be, because he should be here, and…
And he’s not.
I can’t take it. I really can’t. Sometimes I get why Dally did all that. Why he blew up. But it was different. Johnny was like a little brother to him. Plus, Soda and Darry would be real upset if I killed myself and left them like Mom and Dad did, and I couldn’t do that to them.
I wish Darry could understand. Or Soda. Or Two-Bit. Or even Steve. Or heck, maybe Curly, if I see him once he gets out of the reformatory. All he’s got left is his older siblings because their parents left the lot of them when they were too young to remember. He wouldn’t have no reason to judge me, I’m sure. But still, I couldn’t risk it. I’d die before I told anyone.
I laughed a little. It’s so funny, how I lie to myself all the time, and I still never believe myself. I know I’d break eventually. Soda would say the things he always does, and he’d coax it out of me, and then I’d be there convinced he won’t hate me for it, and he’ll look at me like I’m disgusting.
It’s how things work in our world, unfortunately. I can’t love who I want to, because everyone thinks it’s wrong. The only thing I can do is do good in school, because otherwise I’ll get nowhere and everyone’ll always see me one way just ‘cause I’m grease.
I’m not as tough as I act, I know that. I’ll be home by tomorrow, I’ll just stay over at Two-Bit’s place if I get cold. It doesn’t matter if I get cold or not though, I know, because after that night I’ll never stay out late at night ever again. Maybe if I was with someone like I’d been that night, with Johnny, I wouldn’t be so scared. But I didn’t have anyone. I wasn’t as close with anyone as I was with Johnny, and not even just because we loved each other. We could understand each other without saying anything. I don’t have that level of connection with anyone else I know, and I don’t think I’ll find it ever again, at least not exactly. And even if I could, I just couldn’t stand to be around that person. I’d feel like I was replacing Johnny, and I’d hate myself if I did that.
The only person I’m really close with is Soda. But he’s my brother, and even if we’re as close as we are now, some part of me seems to think that one day, Soda’ll get married to some nice broad, and he’ll get a better job, and he’ll have it good, and him and Steve’ll still hang out all the time, I’m sure of it. Darry’ll be able to retire early, because of all the work he does now, and once Two-Bit manages to graduate high school and his mom forces him to get a job, he’ll have it good too. Everyone I know will leave eventually, and I’ll only see them maybe a few times a year, if all of us manage to get out of Tulsa. I will. I have to. I promised myself. As soon as I heard him say it—when Johnny’d told me he hadn’t done enough, that sixteen years just wasn’t long enough—I knew I had to. I had to get outta here, for him. I’ll live out in the country, just like we talked about. And I’ll get a dog, just like that one Johnny’d pointed to on the street when we were younger and he’d told me he wished he had one just like that.
I know wishing like that is pointless, though. Darry would tell me to get out of my head and start being realistic. I try to be realistic, but it’s nice to dream. I wish he’d understand. I wish everyone could understand. I wish the world could understand that I ain’t wrong, that me and Johnny weren’t wrong, that all we did was love each other. Same way Mom and Dad loved each other. I wish Soda and Darry knew, and I wish they wouldn’t hate me if they did, and I wish I could talk to someone, just anyone, about everything.
I sighed.
If only they knew.