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"Saki-chan," I murmur, back of my hand pressed to her cheek. Her head lolls against the crook of my neck. Warmth mingles together – my kindhearted, hardworking Saki-chan's warmth.
My lips part to whisper that sacred name once more, but as soon as the thought crosses my mind, the soft crinkle of her eyes changes it almost as quickly. I feel myself smiling. Strange, isn't it? How little she's doing but lying there, yet just her presence, even if she weren't draped near me so closely, unties the tangled knots in my body.
I would give anything to be by her side, just like this, for forever.
Her nose creases in discomfort, and my breath hitches in my throat.
..I couldn't have said that out loud, right? My eyes shut tight, mouth dry. And then, I notice the light filtering through my eyelids.
The open music sheet on the laptop screen probably bothered Saki-chan, didn't it? I shift in place, careful not to wake the sleeping girl - god - universe - Saki-chan next to me. I save the file she's been working herself to the bone on, and shut the laptop as quietly as I can.
"Saki-chan," I try again, voice low but unsteady. I want to carry her in my arms and help her to bed, but the guilt seeping into my chest says otherwise.
Even touching her like this is sinful, isn't it? Saki-chan. It's Saki-chan, the purest girl I've ever known. The girl who holds her head high despite each struggle, who clawed her way out of despair, who went her own way even when the world was against her. When I, so very selfishly, turned it against her.
I trail my gaze over the specks of moonlight dotting her eyelashes. Hesitantly, heart thrumming in my chest, I turn my hand so that I'm cupping her cheek. "..Saki-chan," I let out again, breathy and light. She looks so peaceful like this. My martyr, the one I worship, at rest. I trace a finger down her face, to her chin. She doesn't so much as twitch, this time.
My traitorous lips part again, words infested with desire ready to spill out. They flutter shut and I lurch forward to embrace her.
"Uika..?" Saki-chan murmurs, shuffling as I hold her tighter. She's perfect, trapped in my arms like this. Those are the thoughts my once firm grasp lets slip into my conscious. For a moment, I let myself imagine how it would be like, if Saki-chan, her wings snapped and broken in two, stayed in this comfortable cage I made for myself. I let myself imagine pressing my lips against hers, her hands caressing mine, and her softly whispering: I love you, Hatsune.
Just like that, the fantasy shatters into pieces.
"..Saki-chan, don't leave me," I mumble, grasp wrinkling her nightshirt. Fingers having already tainted her pale, unblemished skin. Words having ruined the safe, innocent distance between us. Actions having soiled all I once thought dear, even her – my presence a sin so grave, a thousand lifetimes spent on good couldn't redeem the me rotten. My chest aches as I shake with awful, yearning want.
Saki-chan doesn't affirm my revolting needs. Saki-chan doesn't wake up, nor kiss me, nor does she tell me she's mine in the way I'll always be hers. But the Saki-chan I've worshipped into being my god, the Saki-chan who watches the stars with me from the flat's loft, the Saki-chan who didn't shun me as the rest – that Saki-chan snuggles closer into me, arms snaking around my waist.
She drowsily yawns into my neck, and I can't help the tingle going up my spine, as much as it makes me want to hurl and cradle the feeling closer at the same time.
My lips curl up despite the ache still worming its way into me. I lift her up as gently as I can. The way she clings onto me laces my heart with crumbling happiness, and my skin with a chilling crawl. I cover her slowly, making sure she's warm enough to not shiver. I sit there beside her for a moment, and before I can think better of it, I press a kiss to her forehead.
"Sleep well, ne?" I smile sadly. I turn to head back down, but my eyes linger on her face. "..I love you, Saki-chan."
Saki-chan stays asleep as peacefully as I hope she always would, and then, I'm gone.