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Suguru stared blankly at his phone, the time nearing 3 in the morning and he had yet to close his puffy eyes and call it a night. He tossed his phone onto the mattress below him, allowing him to turn in bed, only now feeling how giant his full sized bed truly felt without Satoru squeezed on the mattress with him.
It had only been two weeks since the pair called it quits, but God were those two weeks agonizing. Time was s l o w, seconds ticked by feeling like hours, taunting Suguru with memories of Satoru and how they spent the summer together.
Suguru allowed himself to lay in bed for only a few more minutes before sitting up straight and grabbing his phone once more. The violent urge to contact Satoru only grew worse at night, not because he was lonely but because his routine for the last few months consisted of calling Satoru and telling him about his day.. And now, well now he had no one to tell, and no one who would care even a sliver as much as how much Satoru did.
D i d… It was weird to think of Satoru as something in the past, as if he were dead. But he was not dead, he was alive and well and living his life without Suguru. In a way, Suguru envied how easy it seemed for Satoru to be so nonchalant about the whole thing, from the cruel way he broke up with Suguru through text message, to the way he was adamant that this break up was needed while Suguru pleaded on the phone for them to work things out, to the way he promised they would still be friends and would talk every day post break up only to go radio silent a few days later.
Suguru toys with his phone, thumb hovering over the call button of Satoru´s contact, the heart still beside his name reading ´Toru <3´ He takes a breath, wondering if he called would Satoru pick up? Perhaps not, it was late and he was probably asleep -- or perhaps he was up too, wondering where it went wrong between the two of them, perhaps he would contemplate answering the phone ultimately deciding it is best to leave Suguru alone. A l o n e. Suguru knew Satoru needed space and here he was invading said space, shoving himself back into Satoru´s life despite being told not to.
He sets the phone down, throwing himself back onto his bed in a way that knocks over his keys from the nightstand beside his bed. He reaches a hand down to the floor, patting around the area until he finds his keys and pulls them up, his brown eyes settling on the stupid cat keychain that hangs beside his house key.
A small smile tugs at his trembling lips, trying to convince himself to not cry over something so simple. In his head, it was anything but that; him and Satoru had picked out keychains of cats that looked like one another for them to carry around with each other, ´so you have a part of me with you everywhere you go ' Satoru had stated as he clicked the cat plush keychain onto Suguru's keys that day. Who knew that would be the last day things were remotely okay before everything fell apart.
In theory, Suguru knew the real reason they broke up was because they were failing to meet eye to eye. Small things would trigger arguments between the two, along with Suguru's deteriorating mental health and Satoru´s inability to open up about his personal issues he had going on -- the emotions between the two were heightened and in full swing. Of course taking a step back and space would do one another good, but it was still a hard reality to accept.
The day they broke up, Suguru knew it was going to happen -- anticipated doom is what his therapist called it. The two had been fighting over text all day, even going as far as making Suguru burst out in tears while at brunch with his friends. He knew the end was around the corner but the selfish part of him refused to believe so, choosing to hang on to what little hope he had for their relationship and turning a blind eye to the signs that their chapter was coming to a close.
That night, Satoru sent a carefully curated text, explaining that the break up was needed and one day Suguru will see that this was for the best as well. That just because he was breaking up with him, does not mean he loves Suguru any less, and that the break up did not have to be permanent, it just meant right now was not the time for them to be together. Suguru called Satoru exactly 33 times that night, refusing to accept that he would go to voicemail and hanging up only to call one more time. One more time, he kept telling himself each time he heard that damn voicemail, one. More. time.
Eventually, Satoru would pick up, staying quiet on the other line while Suguru word vomited, crying for Satoru to not do this to them only to be met with ¨I´m sorry, but my mind is made up.¨ His heart broke into a million pieces that night, and each little shard of what was once his heart would still beat for Satoru Gojo.
Suguru threw the keychain out of his sight, letting it fall to the ground as he grabbed his phone once more. He did not hesitate this time, instantly calling Satoru, his eyes closing as he pleaded with the universe for Satoru to pick up. He doesn´t. So he calls again, and again, and again, and one last time he allows himself to be humiliated and calls Satoru once more. It was now three thirty in the morning, and he knew good and well by now Satoru would have woken up to one of his calls, he was just choosing to ignore him, and somehow the idea of that actually being the case made Suguru all the more determined to get through to Satoru.
¨Are you okay?¨ Satoru´s sleepy voice rang through the other end, it made Suguru want to throw up -- to hear his former lover´s voice for the first time since the break up hit him harder than he thought it would.
¨Uhm, yeah..¨ Suguru chokes out, closing his eyes as he tries to swallow the growing lump in his throat. If he could rip open his throat right now, he would.
¨Yeah?¨ Satoru asked on the other line, worry filled his voice. It was torture to hear that same stupid kind and loving tone in his voice after he ripped out Suguru´s heart right out of his chest the last time that they had called. In a way, it made Suguru want to scream at him, to tell him it is no longer his business if he is okay or not, to quit pretending like he cares when he left so easily, to yell that he hates his guts and hopes he is suffering as much as he is. But nothing came out, in fact Suguru just laid there with his eyes closed and lips trembling as he listened to Satoru´s quiet breathing on the other line.
¨Mhm..¨ Suguru managed to breathe out, realizing the phone call would come to an end soon and then that would be that. ¨Why haven´t you texted?¨ he asks, panicked, wanting to hear Satoru´s truth, no matter how painful it may be.
There was a long silence on the line, Suguru pulled the phone from his ear fearing Satoru had hung up, but there was his name in big letters ´Toru <3´ taunting him back, reminding him that they are exes and Satoru owes him nothing at this point.
¨I.. Uh..¨ Satoru´s voice is quiet, hesitant even.
Suguru doesn't speak, his eyes closing again.
¨I just don´t know what to say, or how to be..¨ Satoru admits, ¨this being exes when I am still in love with you thing is so hard, and I know it is my fault and my call to break up but God it is so hard to be this way..¨ Suguru can hear the crack in Satoru´s voice, the way he sounds so defeated.
For a moment, Suguru did not know whether to be angry at Satoru for throwing away their relationship so easily, or to sympathize with him based on how hard the break up seemed to be affecting him as well. Instead of choosing one or the other, he stayed quiet, listening to Satoru´s shaky breaths on the other line. It was going to be only a matter of seconds before Satoru hung up the phone, Suguru thought to himself -- but unlike before he did not panic to make another small talk filled conversation, he allowed the silence to take over.
The phone call never did end, both of them staying quite on the line seeming to enjoy one another´s company. It was weird in a way, to feel so close yet so far from someone you loved with your heart and soul. Suguru could not get used to the silence, itching for Satoru to say something else. But he never did.
¨Can you say something?¨ Suguru asked, eyes closing as he laid back down onto his bed, his hand clutching the phone so tight he felt like it would break under the pressure.
¨What do you want me to say?¨ Satoru asked, his voice was quiet still, nothing like the loud and sometimes obnoxious tone he would have.
¨Anything.¨ Suguru admitted, his heart still leaping at the sound of Satoru´s voice. He clutches his chest, feeling the way his heart pounded against its enclosure, awaiting to hear the voice of the man he still loves once more, even if it was a bunch of nothing.
¨Anything.¨ Satoru replied, Suguru could hear the small hint of laughter the other was holding back as he spoke.
¨Very funny.¨ Suguru´s voice was an unexpected whisper, not realizing how much it would hurt for things to feel the smallest bit normal between the two. For a second, it felt like they were cracking jokes on the phone again, debriefing how their day went, getting ready for the day to be over -- and the cruel reality was, things were not how they used to be, and probably wouldn´t be, not for a long time at least (or ever.)
¨I didn´t know what to say.¨ Satoru admitted, his own chest aching as well.
¨Say what is on your mind.¨ Suguru challenged him, bracing himself for the possibility of Satoru breaking his heart a second time.
There was a small pause before Satoru took a breath, holding it in for what felt like ages before exhaling out loudly into the microphone.
¨I miss you, so fucking much.¨ Satoru spoke quietly, the words hanging in the air as he awaited for Suguru to reply back to his confession.
¨I miss you so fucking much.¨ Suguru whispered back, his eyes opening to look at the ceiling. There was a tight knot that formed in his stomach as he allowed their confessions of missing one another to sink in.
In Suguru´s head, it was simple: they both missed each other, and they both still loved one another, so the question was- why can´t they be together? It was an easy question to answer when he really thought about all the issues that led to their break up, but in this moment all he craved to hear from the other was ¨then we don´t have to be broken up, we can still fix this.´ But he knew better than to wish such silly things, after all -- Satoru had always been a more rational thinker than Suguru was. Maybe that was the issue between them, that Suguru was fueled by emotions vs Satoru being filled by logic. In this moment, Suguru realized this was a war between emotion and rationality and he knew that rational thinking would win. Not because Satoru did not love him anymore, but because Satoru´s mind had been made up from the start of their break up, convinced that this was for the best -- for the both of them.
¨I wish we did not have to be broken up.¨ Suguru added, allowing himself to let out some of the word vomit he had been swallowing since the start of their call. If it were up to him, he would beg and scream and cry until Satoru took him back, until they could be them again.
¨I know.¨
-- ¨We don't have to be.. Broken up I mean.¨
¨Please don't do this.¨ Satoru whispered back, his tone was gentle but yet to Suguru it still felt so cruel, as if Satoru was only twisting the knife he had shoved into his heart.
-- ¨Okay.¨ Suguru stopped himself from embarrassing himself further, tears prickling at the side of his eyes. He swallowed the rest of the word vomit that was sitting at the tip of his tongue, allowing himself to settle in the new found silence that filled the air.
Minutes go by and neither of them say anything to one another, staying in one another´s presence for a few minutes longer before things go back to the way they were.
¨Do you see us getting back together in the future?¨ Suguru asked, hoping the answer was yes.
-- ¨Maybe.¨
¨Yeah?¨
-- ¨Yeah.¨
The conversation had come to an end once more, there was nothing else Suguru could think of asking and he knew Satoru had work in a few hours so maybe needed to leave him alone and return to their reality of not being a couple anymore.
¨I love you.¨ Suguru whispered, just barely loud enough for Satoru to hear.
** CALL ENDED **
Suguru stayed quiet, holding the phone to his ear still as his eyes remained glued to the ceiling. He did not move, he did not breathe, he did not know how to process that response. But then he heard his phone ding, a text notification from Toru <3 that read ¨I love you, I´m sorry. Get some rest.¨
He chucks his phone at the end of the room, the phone hitting the wall before sliding down to the floor. It was so cruel of Satoru to be so nonchalant about things, even more cruel of him to not be able to give Suguru the confirmation of them being able to get back together some day.
It would have been easier for Satoru to tell Suguru he hated him and that there was no possibility of them getting back together, it would be even easier if Satoru had done something unspeakable like cheat on him or abuse him in some way -- but the truth of their break up being two people who are unable to handle being in a relationship at the moment was unbearable.
Right person, wrong time, or whatever the saying was. Suguru could only hope sometime down the line their paths would cross again, and that the next time they will do it right.
He settles down into bed, scooting over to the side where Satoru used to sleep -- it still even smelled like him and his expensive cologne. He hugs his pillow, squeezing it tightly against his chest. ¨I wish I could hate you Satoru Gojo¨ he whispered to himself, tears spilling from his eyes. ¨I wish I could hate you so bad, but I love you more than anything on this planet.¨
He whispered the same sentences over and over again until his eyes eventually closed, flowing into a peaceful dream in which they are still together and nothing bad has happened to them yet.
FIN